I learned lately that being depressed makes me prefer intense and sad movies rather than all-fun-and-entertaining movies. I also learned that if I am surrounded with those who are so happy about their lives, I can feel even worse about mine. Talking to friends who share some sort of pain in their life is more comforting than talking to friends who said they have just succeeded something or have been blessed with a lot of things. It makes me feel very lonely in my agony. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that they are happy and I want them to be. I just don't want to hear about it.
I learned that being depressed makes it very hard just to get up and take a shower. I learned that being depressed makes me long for any tiny kindness, any little beauty, any little thing at all that will be like a soothing balm to the wound inside of me. If a person, like at a store or coffee shop, smiles at me and speaks nicely to me, I would feel very grateful already. I am trapped inside the blue, I can't feel the joy, I can't get out of this prison, but those little kindness can be helpful from outside anyway.
I also learn that being among nature can help me quite a lot. There is a part of me that seems to take in the soft song that are sung by the trees, flowers, birds, etc. I feel that a part of me can rest in them. Nature soothes my soul at its dark moment. It doesn't expect anything from me. It lets me enjoy beauty freely. Nature also has kindness.
I learned that I have to collect every small little things in order to survive. But today there are very few of them. And the wound is still bleeding inside.
