It was as if I consigned God to the backseat of my car;
I wanted him to be present, but didn't want Him to distract me
and I certainly didn't want Him to drive the car.
Thankfully, God is patient and God is faithful.
He sits in the backseat just waiting for our invitation to move up to the front
so that He can steer and press the pedals.
If we give him the car key,
He will take us on an unbelievable ride.
I think I've been doing the same thing. I want God to be in my life. I want to follow his advice. However, I have lost some courage that I used to have...the courage to allow God to tell me where to go and what to do with my life...the courage to totally surrender the wheel. Yes, I did ask for advice. I ask Him a lot in terms of my career path. I want him to guide that part of my life. However, I admit that if I heard Him tell me to do something crazy, something that put me at risk of bankrupting or losing my chance to travel, I wouldn't do it. It's like I said to God "No, no...not vow of poverty. I'm not a nun. I walked away from that goal many years ago and actually you told me to do so. Please get my saving account back to where it used to be" I sort of fix the main destination by myself and ask God to take me to that destination.
Several days ago, I watched a clip of Joyce Mayor speaking to her audience. The last sentence she said was "I'm telling you this...being a Christian is a Full-Time Job."
That got me thinking. Yes, I am a freelance, but I often view my worldly work as the main tasks that I have to do everyday. I often view God and His assignments as second. Many times the worldly work consume so much of my time that I forget to pray and postpone being loving to the people around me. Only on some of my self-retreat trips that I managed to keep God as the first priority. Actually, I don't want it that way. I used to ask God to be my employer, doing everything for him, and get payment from Him. But after my lack of self-discipline kicked him, I just didn't dare to do that anymore. I'm afraid that God would want to fire me and He wouldn't be paying me because I wasn't a worthy employee anyway. And another thing, there were major events that made me lose much faith in Him and sometimes I'm afraid that God will not take care of me and my financial well-being. (Well, he let me get totally broke once, what if He would do it again?).
Overall...I can just summarize that I lack faith.
Nevertheless, Joyce made me consider this matter again. She's the one who worked full-time for God and God didn't let her starve or become broke. Yet, she's not someone who is afraid of difficulty or pain or obstacle; she faced them all and kept on placing her trust in God. She said in her book "Trusting God Day by Day" that we should not keep postponing God's request by saying that we're not ready or it's not convenient time. An example is also found in the Old Testament. Let me quote a part of what she said.
When the Israelites were traveling through the wilderness, they were led by cloud during the day and a pillar of fire by night. When the cloud moved, they had to move. And when it hovered, they stayed where they were (See Num. 9:15-23)...I seriously doubt that at night they hung Do Not Disturb signs on the opening of their tents to let God know they did not want to be inconvenienced. When He decided it was time to go, they packed up and followed Him. So when God decides that it is time for us to move the next level of our journey, we should never say "This is just not a good time!"
I know that I've been doing that for the past few years. I just keep telling God that it's not the right time for me to surrender to Him the driver's seat. It's not the right time for the world to get into the Great Tribulation in which the whole civilization is so completely damaged that it needs to be rebuilt again because I'm just not ready. My main reason is that I'm afraid...afraid of pain, of hardship, of losing my own identity, of losing my comfort zone, of losing the chance to make my dreams come true, of losing control of everything and falling down into nowhere. If only I gain my faith and trust back, I might be able to let God drive the car again. The way I did many years ago. I'm waiting for myself to be ready. I'm searching for some reasons to make me trust God more so I can give him the steering wheel.
It was as if the book can read my thought. The next paragraph Joyce said exactly the thing that I need to hear.
God knows best, and His timing is always right. The fact that I don't feel ready to deal with something in my life doesn't mean that I'm not ready. God's timing is perfect, and His ways are not our ways, but they are higher and better than our ways (see Isa. 55:9).
Joyce also mentioned example of the disciples: Peter, James, and John. When Jesus said, "Follow Me." They left everything and followed Jesus right away.
The disciples didn't ask how long they would be gone or what the salary package would be. They didn't ask about benefits, compensation, time for travel, or what kind of hotel they would be staying in. They didn't even ask Jesus what their job description would be. They simply left everything behind and followed Him.
Joyce also mentioned a teaching from the book of Ecclesiastes, and also other examples from the Old Testament.
King Solomon said if we wait for all conditions to be favorable before we sow, we will never reap (see Eccl. 11:4) In other words, we must give and obey God when it is not convenient and when it is costly if want to reap our reward...
Abraham had to leave his country, his relatives, and his home and go to a place God would not even tell him about until he went there. Joseph saved a nation from starvation, but not before he was violently removed from his comfortable home and put in an inconvenient place for many years...
These people we read about were inconvenienced so that someone else's life could be easier. Jesus died so we could have life and have it abundantly. Soldiers die so that civilians can remain safe at home. Fathers go to work so their families can have nice lives, and mothers go through pain of childbirth to bring another life into the world. It seems quite obvious that someone usually has to experience pain or inconvenience for anyone to gain anything...If you make a decision that you don't mind inconvenience or interruption, then God can use you. You can make a difference to the world. But if you remain addicted to your comfort, God will have to pass you by for someone who is more willing to endure the hard things in life in order to do God's will.
After I read the last sentence, I felt so sad. I think it's the kind of sadness that the rich young man felt while walking away after Jesus told him to sell everything, give money to the poor, and follow Him.
On the same day, I also came across a text in the middle of the book Confessions by Saint Augustine, there is a part that I happened to read on the same day that I read the above passage from Joyce Meyer's book. It showed that, at one point in his life, Saint Augustine himself used to get trapped between the desire for the full and complete truth of God and the comfort of this world. In the below quote he was talking about the condition of himself, torn between the two worlds.
(So far, I have only the translated version of the book, so I will have to put it in Thai language here for now.)
...ฉะนี้แล้ว ทำไมเราจึงยังรีรออยู่อีกเล่า ทำไมจึงยังไม่ทิ้งความหวังแบบโลกๆ และมอบถวายตนเองทั้งกายและใจ ทุ่มเทให้แก่การแสวงหาองค์พระผู้เป็นเจ้า และการแสวงหาชีวิตดีอันมีสุขแท้จริงเล่า แต่ช้าก่อน ชีวิตโลกนี้เองก็หวานชื่นไม่น้อย ชีวิตมันก็มีเสน่ห์ของมันเอง เสน่ห์เหล่านี้ไม่เล็กน้อยนิดหน่อยเลย และที่สำคัญ เราคงไม่อาจรีบร้อนถอนไถ่จิตใจตนเองหลุดพ้นจากเสน่ห์เหล่านั้นไปได้ง่ายๆ...
...ดวงใจข้าก็โลดเต้นไปทางโน้นทีทางนี้ที ตามแรงลมซึ่งหอบพัดมาจากทิศต่างๆกัน กาลเวลาก็ล่วงเลยไป แต่ข้าก็ยังรีรอลังเลที่จะกลับใจมาหาพระองค์ วันแล้ววันเล่าที่ข้าผัดผ่อนการหันมาดำเนินชีวิตอยู่ในพระองค์...ข้าเฝ้าใฝ่ฝันชีวิตที่มีความสุข แต่กลับตระหนกตกใจกลัวที่จะเข้าใกล้สถานที่แท้จริงแห่งชีวิตที่ดียิ่งกว่า...
The messages from these books seem to be a way that God talks to me. Maybe where I am is where many people have been. Maybe one day God will help me move away from the illusions of this life further. Bit by bit and day by day, I will try to build up my trust in the Lord again. I will try to face more conveniences and try to let go of the steering wheel of my life a little more. Trust God a little more. I can't be sure or guarantee that tomorrow I will be able to say this because I know how weak I am. But I am still hoping that God knows me well and will guide me to walk each baby step and protect me from the kind of storm that will corrupt my faith.
