God Belongs to the Driver's Seat

Sometimes God speaks through a book and, occasionally, through many books at the same time. Lately, I was reading a near-death experience account of a doctor named Mary McNeal and I came across a few sentences that struck me hard. It was when she talked about how she was living her life before the NDE happened.

It was as if I consigned God to the backseat of my car;

I wanted him to be present, but didn't want Him to distract me

and I certainly didn't want Him to drive the car.

Thankfully, God is patient and God is faithful. 

He sits in the backseat just waiting for our invitation to move up to the front

so that He can steer and press the pedals.

If we give him the car key,

He will take us on an unbelievable ride. 

I think I've been doing the same thing. I want God to be in my life. I want to follow his advice. However, I have lost some courage that I used to have...the courage to allow God to tell me where to go and what to do with my life...the courage to totally surrender the wheel. Yes, I did ask for advice.  I ask Him a lot in terms of my career path. I want him to guide that part of my life. However, I admit that if I heard Him tell me to do something crazy, something that put me at risk of bankrupting or losing my chance to travel, I wouldn't do it. It's like I said to God "No, no...not vow of poverty. I'm not a nun. I walked away from that goal many years ago and actually you told me to do so. Please get my saving account back to where it used to be" I sort of fix the main destination by myself and ask God to take me to that destination. 

Several days ago, I watched a clip of Joyce Mayor speaking to her audience. The last sentence she said was "I'm telling you this...being a Christian is a Full-Time Job."

That got me thinking. Yes, I am a freelance, but I often view my worldly work as the main tasks that I have to do everyday. I often view God and His assignments as second. Many times the worldly work consume so much of my time that I forget to pray and postpone being loving to the people around me. Only on some of my self-retreat trips that I managed to keep God as the first priority. Actually, I don't want it that way. I used to ask God to be my employer, doing everything for him, and get payment from Him. But after my lack of self-discipline kicked him, I just didn't dare to do that anymore. I'm afraid that God would want to fire me and He wouldn't be paying me because I wasn't a worthy employee anyway. And another thing, there were major events that made me lose much faith in Him and sometimes I'm afraid that God will not take care of me and my financial well-being. (Well, he let me get totally broke once, what if He would do it again?). 

Overall...I can just summarize that I lack faith. 

Nevertheless, Joyce made me consider this matter again. She's the one who worked full-time for God and God didn't let her starve or become broke. Yet, she's not someone who is afraid of difficulty or pain or obstacle; she faced them all and kept on placing her trust in God. She said in her book "Trusting God Day by Day" that we should not keep postponing God's request by saying that we're not ready or it's not convenient time. An example is also found in the Old Testament. Let me quote a part of what she said.

When the Israelites were traveling through the wilderness, they were led by cloud during the day and a pillar of fire by night. When the cloud moved, they had to move. And when it hovered, they stayed where they were (See Num. 9:15-23)...I seriously doubt that at night they hung Do Not Disturb signs on the opening of their tents to let God know they did not want to be inconvenienced. When He decided it was time to go, they packed up and followed Him. So when God decides that it is time for us to move the next level of our journey, we should never say "This is just not a good time!"

I know that I've been doing that for the past few years. I just keep telling God that it's not the right time for me to surrender to Him the driver's seat. It's not the right time for the world to get into the Great Tribulation in which the whole civilization is so completely damaged that it needs to be rebuilt again because I'm just not ready. My main reason is that I'm afraid...afraid of pain, of hardship, of losing my own identity, of losing my comfort zone, of losing the chance to make my dreams come true, of losing control of everything and falling down into nowhere. If only I gain my faith and trust back, I might be able to let God drive the car again. The way I did many years ago. I'm waiting for myself to be ready. I'm searching for some reasons to make me trust God more so I can give him the steering wheel. 

It was as if the book can read my thought. The next paragraph Joyce said exactly the thing that I need to hear.

God knows best, and His timing is always right. The fact that I don't feel ready to deal with something in my life doesn't mean that I'm not ready. God's timing is perfect, and His ways are not our ways, but they are higher and better than our ways (see Isa. 55:9).  

Joyce also mentioned example of the disciples: Peter, James, and John. When Jesus said, "Follow Me." They left everything and followed Jesus right away. 

The disciples didn't ask how long they would be gone or what the salary package would be. They didn't ask about benefits, compensation, time for travel, or what kind of hotel they would be staying in. They didn't even ask Jesus what their job description would be. They simply left everything behind and followed Him. 

Joyce also mentioned a teaching from the book of Ecclesiastes, and also other examples from the Old Testament. 

King Solomon said if we wait for all conditions to be favorable before we sow, we will never reap (see Eccl. 11:4) In other words, we must give and obey God when it is not convenient and when it is costly if want to reap our reward...

Abraham had to leave his country, his relatives, and his home and go to a place God would not even tell him about until he went there. Joseph saved a nation from starvation, but not before he was violently removed from his comfortable home and put in an inconvenient place for many years...

These people we read about were inconvenienced so that someone else's life could be easier. Jesus died so we could have life and have it abundantly. Soldiers die so that civilians can remain safe at home. Fathers go to work so their families can have nice lives, and mothers go through pain of childbirth to bring another life into the world. It seems quite obvious that someone usually has to experience pain or inconvenience for anyone to gain anything...If you make a decision that you don't mind inconvenience or interruption, then God  can use you. You can make a difference to the world. But if you remain addicted to your comfort, God will have to pass you by for someone who is more willing to endure the hard things in life in order to do God's will. 

After I read the last sentence, I felt so sad. I think it's the kind of sadness that the rich young man felt while walking away after Jesus told him to sell everything, give money to the poor, and follow Him. 

On the same day, I also came across a text in the middle of the book Confessions by Saint Augustine, there is a part that I happened to read on the same day that I read the above passage from Joyce Meyer's book. It showed that, at one point in his life, Saint Augustine himself used to get trapped between the desire for the full and complete truth of God and the comfort of this world. In the below quote he was talking about the condition of himself, torn between the two worlds.

(So far, I have only the translated version of the book, so I will have to put it in Thai language here for now.)

...ฉะนี้แล้ว ทำไมเราจึงยังรีรออยู่อีกเล่า ทำไมจึงยังไม่ทิ้งความหวังแบบโลกๆ และมอบถวายตนเองทั้งกายและใจ ทุ่มเทให้แก่การแสวงหาองค์พระผู้เป็นเจ้า  และการแสวงหาชีวิตดีอันมีสุขแท้จริงเล่า แต่ช้าก่อน ชีวิตโลกนี้เองก็หวานชื่นไม่น้อย ชีวิตมันก็มีเสน่ห์ของมันเอง เสน่ห์เหล่านี้ไม่เล็กน้อยนิดหน่อยเลย และที่สำคัญ เราคงไม่อาจรีบร้อนถอนไถ่จิตใจตนเองหลุดพ้นจากเสน่ห์เหล่านั้นไปได้ง่ายๆ...

...ดวงใจข้าก็โลดเต้นไปทางโน้นทีทางนี้ที ตามแรงลมซึ่งหอบพัดมาจากทิศต่างๆกัน  กาลเวลาก็ล่วงเลยไป แต่ข้าก็ยังรีรอลังเลที่จะกลับใจมาหาพระองค์ วันแล้ววันเล่าที่ข้าผัดผ่อนการหันมาดำเนินชีวิตอยู่ในพระองค์...ข้าเฝ้าใฝ่ฝันชีวิตที่มีความสุข แต่กลับตระหนกตกใจกลัวที่จะเข้าใกล้สถานที่แท้จริงแห่งชีวิตที่ดียิ่งกว่า...

The messages from these books seem to be a way that God talks to me. Maybe where I am is where many people have been. Maybe one day God will help me move away from the illusions of this life further. Bit by bit and day by day, I will try to build up my trust in the Lord again. I will try to face more conveniences and try to let go of the steering wheel of my life a little more. Trust God a little more. I can't be sure or guarantee that tomorrow I will be able to say this because I know how weak I am. But I am still hoping that God knows me well and will guide me to walk each baby step and protect me from the kind of storm that will corrupt my faith. 

Wonderful Things About My Father

My father is a good artist, an experienced director, and a talented singer. However, I am not going to discuss all these abilities but I am going to describe why I feel most peaceful when my father is around. These qualities are the true wonderful things about him. My father is a happy receiver, is mostly calm and happy, is clear and straightforward in communication and is focused on his spiritual practice.

Firstly, my father always gives me the opportunity to be the giver. He is happy to receive things or help with open hand and smiling face. I have always had difficulty with those who always try to be givers but do not allow me  to give anything back to them. Sometimes  I miss an opportunity to be a good daughter, I postpone doing things for my parents, and I realize later that I was wrong. My father is the one who always give me the second chance to do it again. My father would be patient with a dirty bathroom or a dirty sink until I finally manage to find the time and manage to get up and clean it. He usually does not get angry, did the chore himself, and complain later. He waits for me to do it. My father does not say no to gifts or treats of meal. When he is sick, he does not keep it secretly to himself or try to "bear all the pain" bravely and alone. For me that is a good thing. My father let others know that he is sick and does not hesitate to ask for help. This means I have an opportunity to care for a sick parent. When I ask "Dad, how are you feeling now?" He would willingly let me know his condition in details and might ask gently, "can you help me do the  dishes today, daughter?" And I would be willing to do it. He gives me ways to be a good daughter, to feel a little bit better about myself. I really do have difficulty with those who do not let me know that they are sick and feel bitter toward me later for not noticing it.

My father usually has calm temperament. He moves slow, not rushing with things. He enjoys eating food and expresses his joy openly when he eats something delicious. When he finishes cooking a bowl of Tom Yum Kung, he would smile, present the food proudly like a child, and share happily. When I am around him, I could talk about small things with him and forget my troubles or heartaches for a while. Nevertheless, the most important thing is that he is patient with my bad temper. Actually his anger is very scary, but he is very slow to anger. I admit that sometimes I and my sister said thing to him with such a bad mood, showing irritation openly in our voice, talking to him so disrespectfully. My father would bear with it and did not strike back with hurtful words. I am a little bit spoiled by this kindness of my dad, but it is a truly wonderful thing of him and it makes me regret my own bad behavior later. This aspect of my dad becomes the image of our "Father in Heaven" and is also part of the reason why sometimes I behave like a spoiled child toward God.

My father talks openly and directly, without sarcasm or irony in his voice. I do not have to decipher his real intention from the speech because he expresses things honestly. This is so important to me because I really have hard time with people who talk sarcastically, saying things with insulting tone of the voice. I have been hurt so many many times in my life by this way of communication that I even develop phobia of it. This is why I feel peaceful around my dad. If he likes it, he says he likes it. If he doesn't like it, he says he doesn't like it. If he wants me to do something, he asks me directly and kindly. When he wants to teach me something about life or wants to give me advice or wants to express himself that he cares, he would just say it directly and state his intention clearly. I can understand my father's intention and meaning  when he communicates. I don't hear any knives hidden in his speech. It is a wonderful thing indeed.

Lastly, my father always holds fast to his spiritual belief and practice. He is a Buddhist. He usually has his daily hour of chanting prayer and "Phae Metta" or wishing happiness to all creatures. I believe that his "Phae Metta" has been sending an atmosphere of peace that covers this house and the surrounding area. I remember one day that I was so depressed and could not get out of bed. My father went into his prayer room and in just a short while the heaviness inside me was lifted and I was able to get up. My father has always been serious about his spiritual belief. He sincerely shares his spiritual experience to others; he even writes articles about them in social media. Most importantly, he does not hesitate to share his religious belief with me although I have become a believer of Christ. He did not react negatively to me or shun away when I was converted to Christianity. He was the only family member presented in my baptism ceremony. He told me that "all roads lead to one destination." Furthermore, my father and I have some spiritual experience that seem to be in common, like lucid dream and out of body experience. So when I talk to him about it, he can understand me more than those who have not had the experience.

Both my mother and my father are normal people with the good and the bad in themselves. But it makes me happy to describe only the good things about them. It is better to send more light into the world by talking positively about people around us. I don't want to write negative and dark views on this blog anymore.

Very good information on preventing demonic attack

I found that the information on these websites are very helpful. It is good to prevent the risk of getting attack or noticing that one is under attack. The world is full of danger these days.

https://www.mit.edu/~rei/spir-help.html#what

https://exemplore.com/paranormal/Demonic-Hauntings-Signs-Your-Home-is-Haunted-by-a-Demon-and-Things-that-Attract-Demons

http://web.comhem.se/abzu/english/demon.html

Wonderful Things About My Mother

It is way passed Mother Day but that does not matter. Actually, I should have written this since I was asked to write a composition for Mother Day in high school, but I was just a foolish kid back then and I was blind to see what wonderful things my mother have in herself. She is a person with many qualities that I want to imitate or take after, but unfortunately, I didn't inherit much of these traits. Anyway, although it will take time for me to build these qualities, I will try. There are four characters that I admire so much in my mother: her strength, her adaptability and practicality, her spirit of teacher, and her quality as food provider.

My mother is a strong lady. She has lived a life full of hard work and lots of obstacles but she was able to pass through them with endurance. She often tells me that problems and difficulties are very normal things of life. When I complained about work, she usually said that there's no work that is easy, why do I expect anything to be easy. My mother has worked as teacher for more than 30 years. She went through all the hard work that Thai teachers required to do, plus the terrible politics in the school. She had to fight in problematic situations that caused by  selfish motive of executives and colleagues. Furthermore, after tiring long day at work, she came home and still cooked and cared for our family. It was amazing how she was able to go through all that for years and years, not to mention during our family's financial crisis. My mother would not complain when she got sick unless she got really, really sick. She has so much endurance in herself. And now as an elderly lady, she often advises me to just let things go, not to carry all the troubles within my heart or to make things worse for myself by being so emotional. I think that's her secret. She knows how to let go. She sees problems as they are; she doesn't make small problems seem like mountains the way I usually do. I admire my mother's strength so much and I hope that one day I can be like her when I get older.

My mother is a practical lady and a quick learner. She can look at the the problem in front of her and design her techniques or creative ways to get that problem solved. She is not someone who is attached to old way of doing things. She likes new gadget in the kitchen. She likes to try new recipes. She likes to learn how to use new technology. (She had learned to use smartphone and tablet way before I did) She is comfortable when adapting herself to the changing world. She catches up with news every evening. It seems funny. I am from newer generation and she is from older generation but she is usually the one saying to me "Hey, you're doing things in the outmoded way. Now the world has changed they have new way to do that even quicker. Don't you know?" I really admire the way she can fix things up with whatever resources we have. When we travel abroad together, and there is a kitchen, with some raw food, ingredients, and a few gadgets, my mother would somehow be able to fix a meal out of that quickly. If we don't have a cup but we need to use a cup, she would find something else that can be used in place of that cup. She is one of the most practical person I've ever known. She is also a fast and light packer. Her suitcase is always thin while mine is always bulky.  My mother is so good at fixing problems with her hand and her brain. Unfortunately, I am a very "impractical" girl, a dreamy type. And a lot of time my mother had to worry about me. Often, when I asked, "Mommy, can you help me do this please?" She would say, "Dear, you should use your brain and try doing it yourself. I know you can do it. I won't be here on earth forever to help you, one day I'll be gone, you know." Sometimes I took it personally and felt hurt, thinking that my mother didn't care to help me. But when I look back, I know that she really wanted me to help myself because that would be good for me in a long run. She wanted to give me something more precious than just a one-time help, the ability to be practical like her.

My mother is a great teacher. No matter how terrible the politics in school are, she is always focused on teaching her students, getting them to read and write and learn. She used lots of games to make the learning fun. She was a teacher who cared about students more than her own success in career path. She used to spend her evening helping the students who fell behind academically. When I began my teaching career, I learned a lot about classroom management and teaching techniques from my mom. Today, as a  retired teacher, my mother is always busy going out for meals and trips that her ex-students arranged for her. It seems that her ex-students are everywhere in town and all of them remember and love her. She was also a great teacher to me. The good English skill that I have now, the very thing that gives me my livelihood, I owe it all to my mom. She taught me to read English since I was a little girl. She bought me beautiful story books and read them together with me. She gave me expensive cassette set to help with my English speaking skill. She sat with me through homework time in my primary years. I really have to say that the strong English still that I have came from the basic that my mother taught me in my early years. And although today she no longer taught at school, she still teaches our little niece who lives nearby. She would not mind spending hours to get the little girl finished her homework. Maybe someday, when I have gained enough strength and overcome depression and anxiety permanently, I would go back to teaching career. I could feel this trait of my mother living in me although I'm not as strong and devoting as she is.

Last but not least, my mother always keeps everybody's stomach full! Through years of experience, she is a wonderful cook and I love her meals so much. Even today, I feel like old baby, but I admit that mother still cooks for me and I love it! My mother is especially caring when it comes to food. She makes sure that everyone is full after the meal. She always stock lots of food in the kitchen and refrigerator, including snacks and fruits on the table. In my house, we can eat all day long. The fact that my mother doesn't let anyone go hungry is not limited to our family. My mother makes sure that my dog get her meal every evening. When I was too busy with work, she would say, "Talew is hungry now, you better go and give her food. If you keep an animal as a pet, never let it go hungry" Actually, she often gives my dog something to eat all day long and I'm not surprised that Talew is especially fond of my mom. In addition, her generosity goes out to our neighbor. Whenever my uncle next door had to live by himself because his family had gone away on vacation or business trip, my mother sometimes invited him to join the meal or brought him some food and snacks. It seems like she has to ensure that everyone is full and not hungry. Also, she has a habit of giving quality food to others and to monks, while keeping not-so-high quality food to herself. Bigger pieces go to others, smaller pieces go to herself. This is such a wonderful thing of her and I believe that life will return it to her fully. In this life and the next, I believe that she would never go hungry.

After writing all these qualities of my mom, I feel a bit sad for not having so much of her good traits in myself. But I will try not to sink in despair because I remember what my mother used to encourage me: "You can change yourself for the better. If you think you can, then one day you will, although it takes time. If you think you can't, then you never will, because you would never begin. Don't think that I must be like this, this is me, and I can't change. No, that's not true. You can change. Everybody can."   

Dream Records

Sometimes dreams are just meaningless mess of images and impressions in our head, but sometimes they carry deeper meaning and symbols. I rarely have spiritual dreams these days (I usually have bad dreams or nightmares), but once I do, I better record them before I forget. It should be like some guidance for me.

- Back to school again, I realized that I have been skipping all of the art classes. Now the other students have produced some pictures in their drawing books but I have none. I began to worry a little and thought that I should submit some work before it affects my grade. I had no idea how the teacher would be thinking of me, a never-show-up student. Art has never been my favorite class because I lack skill in it but it seems that the work required in this art class is rather elementary and I should be able to catch up if I try.
      School/examination/grade dreams occur to me sometimes, reminding that this life I'm living is actually a spiritual school and I'm here for some lessons. After I had this latest dream, I wonder what "art" subject symbolizes. Then I began to have an impression in my mind that it is about being connected with my inner voice, spiritual side of myself. Maybe I have been focused too much on worldly tasks lately. I've had big symbolic dreams about this many years ago. God gave me a vision, a bird-eye-view of a whale swimming in the ocean below. I once received a command to join the "whale" people once all the mess on the Earth is finished. A few days ago I looked up symbolic meaning of whales and it says "inner voice, peace, creativity, history of the Earth." It seems that my life's destiny has something related to that.

- I flied. I was able to fly again so once I gained that ability back I just kept on flying forward. Then after moving forward for a while in quite a good speed, I saw that I had come outdoor and there was a sky above me. I could choose to keep flying forward into the city or going up to the sky. I had a feeling then that it had something to do with spiritual progress. I chose going up. I began to fly upward and my body was lifted to about the level of a high building and then it stopped. I wondered what it would be like to fly even higher, to see the world from the above heaven, to be closer to the clouds, so I decided to fly further upward. However, I felt myself being pulled toward in the opposite direction, I gradually fell downward until I got back on the ground. I then realized that God did not allow me to do that. And I asked him the question "why?"
       The above dream was very spiritual, I call it a deeper level of dream. When it was finished, I slipped out to a shallower level of dream. I hadn't waken up yet. In this second dream, I was walking and wondering about my spiritual dream, wanting to find a Bible to ask God why I couldn't fly up higher. Then I found my old diary that I had left outside. I opened it and saw some drawings and pictures. I began to pray and ask God, "Why? What's wrong about wanting to see the view from up above?" Then the pictures on the diary start moving and it stopped on a cartoon picture. It was animated. Two lovely bees (like Mascot bees) were standing in front of an entrance. They were smilingly watching the lines of snails and down-to-earth animals crawling pass them by. The bees were happy. There was no different between them that can fly and those that cannot fly. I then realized that I must learn to really let go of pride and learn how to be humble. I must "truly" see that there is no one above anyone. We are all the same in unity and love. Maybe one day when I really learned to have that attitude, I would be allowed to fly higher.

- I was washing the dishes, trying to gather positive attitude back after getting some setback experience but I was wondering if speaking positively to myself like that would work effectively. I turned around and found that the whole house was in darkness. No light was on. I felt scared. Suddenly I prayed that repetitive pray again, I did it almost automatically "Jesus please have mercy on me". I said it over and over again while struggling to get to the light switch. Saying that prayer gave me some inner strength and somehow helped me to keep trying, to not be afraid, to go through the experience and trust God. Then, all of a sudden, I saw that my parents just arrived home. Nothing was scary anymore. I wasn't home alone anymore.
      This dream seemed to communicate directly to me that I should keep on using this repetitive prayer. It can protect me and can help me more than I am aware of. I learned this pray from a book about a Russian pilgrim and his adventure. He said the prayer was to be repeatedly chanted over and over again countless of time until it became one with our spirit. This dream helped me to realize that when I say the prayer, I feel a little stronger and safer. After this dream, I decided that I will say this prayer more often during the day, and especially when I was under trial. The dream also showed that if I trust God, the scary experience will be shorten. It's not that bad, not too terrible, not like what I imagined in the beginning.

Like I said, spiritual dreams are rare for me these days. The fact that I had the above dreams is already a blessing in itself. I feel more free in my spiritual form. I am being reminded that this world is not my final place and that God is still there to guide my way. I don't know how long I would have to wait until I have spiritual dreams again. But what's more important is that I should take the message from them and put it in practice.

Good Examples from Mother Mary

I thought about writing this on the Feast of Mother Mary Assumption, but it was way passed. Nevertheless, better late than never.  I find that the story of her life, as found in the Bible, contains several things that we can learn from. As a woman, she has  outstanding characters that we can use as a model for our lives.

First of all, she had such a great courage and faith to do what the Lord asked her to. I think this is one of her strongest virtues, and the most important one too. Just imagine how much courage it took to become pregnant before getting married in that period of time. She could have been stoned to death by the public if her fiancee decided to punish her. Yet, she decided to trust that God will somehow give her a way to survive and made His will completed. So she said yes. This might seem like a simple thing but it is not always easy to do, "saying yes to God." Difficulty, inconvenience, fear, busyness with the world, and many other things can block us from wanting to do what God requests. In situations when the future is unknown and seems quite dark and gloomy, it would be great if we can have the faith like Mary's and trust that God will give us a way and then proceed and do what He asks of us.

Secondly, she was quite humble. The words she said in response to the angel was "I am the servant of the Lord, let it be done unto me as you have said." And in the Magnificat, she said, referring to herself, as "the lowliness of his handmaid". She always viewed herself as as servant to God, not anyone powerful or important. As I have written before in another post, humility has many advantages. It keeps us away from the sin of Pride and actually makes life easier to live. So this is also a virtue that we can learn from her.

Thirdly, she always pondered  things in her mind after important events or after hearing significant things. She thought about what Priestess Anna said to her about the Sword that would pierce her soul. She thought about the event when young Jesus said, "Don't you know that I have to be in Father's house?" when he disappeared on the way back from Jerusalem and she found him talking to the temple teachers. We can take Mother Mary as an example and learn from experiences in our life. Think deeply about how events teach us and what God is talking to us from those events.

Fourthly, she was kind and helpful to other people and respond to their needs. Mother Mary stayed with Elizabeth (Mother of John the Baptist) who was much older than her for three months and she was being helpful to Elizabeth, taking care of chores in her house during the time that she stayed there. When she joined the wedding ceremony in Cana, she noticed that they were running of wine and she decided to help without anyone asking. We can imagine that Mother Mary was one very kind woman who was nice and loving to other fellow human beings. This is a great example and a good virtue that we should learn from her.

Fifthly, she gives us a very good example of how to pray and make petition to the Lord. In Cana, at first Jesus did not say yes to her request for he said "my time has not yet come." However, her faith was so strong and she ordered the servant to follow Jesus' command right away. She did not give up after hearing  "no" but she acted right away as if knowing that the Lord will surely help those in need and grant her this request. This is a clear example of very strong faith and persistence in prayer. In addition, she never expected God to do anything specific, she let God be God. She firstly asked Jesus to "Do something." She did not ask him to "find them more wine" or "make the wine double itself." She knew that God knows best and so she let the method be up to God. She also said to the servant, "whatever he asked you to do, do it." This is definitely a great example we can learn from when we pray. Be persistent in our request for help , yet we have to let God do what is best and not thinking that our way is best.

The last and most difficult one to follow is that Mother Mary never left Jesus even in the darkest and the most suffering moments. She followed him along the way that he carried the cross. She stood by his side as he was being crucified. No doubt, her heart was broken, her agony was extreme, and her soul was pierced yet she accepted all that and stayed with Jesus to the very end. The most difficult thing about being Christian is that we have to accept hard times and sufferings, yet not letting of our faith. I think Mother Mary has shown this clearly in her life, but it is up to us whether we can follow her to that very end.

My patron name is Mary. If I wan to take her life as a model, I should (1) Have "a lot" of faith and obey whatever God requests of me. (2) Be humble, (3) Be reflective and thoughtful about the experience in my life, (4) Be kind to other human being and respond to their needs, (5) Be persistent in prayer yet let the answer be up to God because He knows best, and (6) Accept suffering quietly but never let go of faith

These sound like the critical core of walking the Christian path. Well, they are not easy to do, actually. Please help me Mother Mary. All I can promise you is that I will try.

The Life I Want to Live

Some wise people say that if you can see the picture of what you want very clearly in your mind, it can be the beginning of that picture becoming reality. It is good to know what one wants in life or what one is seeking or trying to achieve. Here is the picture perfect of the ideal life I am longing for.

I want a life that is meaningful and joyful in everything that I do. I want a work that I can serve other people and serve God, living everyday with happiness in doing what I love to do. I want to be able to share my love to the world in my own way. I want to care for the poor, the sick, the animals, and I want to help the children and youth find their own way in the world. My job is not something I do only for money but also for the meaning of it and for the joy of it. A job that I can continue until old age. A job that will not tie me to a chair in an office everyday with routine schedule,bossy manager and boring meetings. This kind of work suffocate me and almost made me die inside many times in my life. In my perfect life, I want to be truly happy and fulfilled from my work. It should respond to the destiny of my life.

I want a life free of financial burden, free to travel, free to read and write and free  to meditate and pray. Life is a cage if I have to worry every month whether I would have enough to get by. If  I have to keep pleasing customers and employers and keep saying yes to every job that don't really have meaning for me in order to have enough, I would find very little time and very little inspiration to do meaningful things that I love. So, in my perfect life, I have enough spare money that I can feel secure and have plenty of free time to do my favorite things in life: travel, writing, spiritual practice. Also, I can spend a lot of time with friends, family and the person that I love. In my perfect life, every moment is not in a hurry and is spent with seeds of love being sowed into this world. I don't have to be a billionaire or live luxurious kind of life all the time, but I don't want to live in poverty either. Just have enough to enjoy life without worrying about debts, enough to pay all the necessities of life, (an averagely comfortable life), enough to travel near and far every month and every year, and enough to give away to the needy and maybe set up a shelter for stray cats and dogs or a free-food giveaway shelter for the homeless.

I want a life that is not alone, yet not too crowded. I want to have a little home in a country area not too far from the city. I want to live with the person that I love. Having or not having children is not much of a big deal because I can go out to nearby schools or orphan homes and teach the children there anytime. I want to live by the side of the person who love me for who I am and our dreams and ways of life can support and uplift each other. I want the person to be kind, loving, unselfish, and funny because I plan to become that kind of person myself. The person by my side would be someone that I can also share the spiritual side with. We can love and serve the Lord in our own way without forcing each other to do the same thing. I appreciate what he does and he appreciates what I do. We just keep supporting and encouraging each other along the way. I want to have close-knitted relationship with this person. In my perfect life, I do go out to see other people from time to time yet most of the time I spend with the person I love and we enjoy our neighbors. It is not a super-socialized kind of life. Rather warm and quiet.

Writing about this perfect life can sound like daydreaming but I think it is like a lantern pointing to me the direction that I should move forward to. I don't know if I will be able to have this kind of life in reality before I die. Nevertheless, it is still good to try as long as I still live. At least, one can keep on walking until one cannot walk anymore. One can keep on swimming although there is no sight of shore.