Nightmare and Anxiety

There is a problem that I still cannot solve and cannot do anything about it. Nightmare.
When you have to wake up in the middle of the night because you felt like you' ve just met some ghosts or spirits, or have gone through scary situation, or before waking up you had a dream that someone you know hates you so much and want to do anything to hurt you. This problem can be quite a suffering. If you were me, you'll understand how a beautiful morning can be ruined by bad dreams.

If my whole life I've always had dreams that resulted from bad stomach, too much TV series, or stress from the day, then I wouldn't have to worry when I have nightmares. They would be just meaningless, once it's over, it's over. But in my life, I've have had different kinds of dreams, and some of them were meaningful to my life and my situation indeed. So when I have bad dreams, I can't help worrying about its significance. But the problem is, these bad dreams can be just as meaningless and may have been caused by evil spirits  just to scare and stress me out, or it may have resulted from my own troubled subconsciousness as well.

I cannot discern, still don't know how. Last night I prayed that God would bless my sleep and then I had all these nightmares, plus a message in my head saying something like "blessings can come through raindrops and tears" Well, I have no choice but to accept it as His will, and that dream has already affected my morning and a decision in my life.

Still, I don't know about tonight. After laying down my head on the pillow, what awaits me can be Heaven or Hell. I'll just have to accept it. Some people say, "pray or meditate before you sleep, and you won't have bad dreams" Well, that only works a few times, but I've had nights that I prepare my mind so well before I sleep, doing everything they advised,  and then ended up having terrible nightmares. So, it just won't matter at all.

Sometimes when something hurtful repeatedly occur to you, it is likely  that you will get used to the pain and just surrender, for it seems to be out of control anyway. I still thank God for the nightmare this morning, for at least.....I woke up early because of it.

And who knows, the change of my decision about where I should go during the New Year might be the best thing for me.

I feel tired and helpless tonight. No beautiful words or great hopes to share. Just want to live my small life and hope that God won't abandon me til the end.

Let it be

Just a quick thought about something I learned lately:

- I shouldn't let anxiety and stress clound my head with negativity in times of trouble, for that negative wave can be transmitted to others and create unpeaceful atmosphere. I should have just stayed more calm and simply find a way to solve the problem or just let go and let it be. There's no need to make those around me seeing me so stressed out and unhappy, for they might feel unhappy too. I failed this lesson twice, the last one was yesterday. (Of course, I've had it all my life but most of them didn't count as a trial because I did't even realize that it's my problem)

- I learned that I could view troubleful day as colorful day. I should be thankful to God at the end of everyday for each one is very precious, very unique day of my life on Earth. Each day has its own mixture of colors, its own lesson, its own blessings. Even the most terrible days can become blessings later in one's life, I just have to trust the Father and His plan.

Emmanuel

On the road of life
I try to walk toward the light
Try to get rid of darkness
Right here inside of me

On the road of life
The mountains are so high
And my feet are so weak
So farway is the peak

I fell again today
Just like yesterday
And many other days before

I fell and I cry
And I thought why, why, why
why I can't get any better

The night is so dark
So I stopped to rest
And I heard Him speak softly,
"The road ahead is darkness to you
but I see them through and through
Your future is in My hand,
although now you may not understand"

The night is still dark
But a tiny light is within me now
A light of faith and hope
to lift me up when I'm down

And so I sing myself to sleep
with this beautiful song

Emmanuel, Emmanuel
God is with us

Though tears still brim my eyes
Though pain still cut my heart
And weariness does remain
Yet, I sing myself this loving song

Emmanuel, Emmanuel
God is with us 

Sickness and Death

Looking back....to the moment when I stood before my sick uncle who was lying on a hospital bed, I remember the things that occurred in my mind.

- There are a lot to be thankful for in my life. At least I can still breathe, I can still walk, I don't have to feel the pain in my body every hour. All of the things I complain about in my life are trivial, comparing to the condition that my uncle was in.

- Life is so short and full of unexpected things. We can't be careless. We have to make every moment count. But at the same time we have to accept that all the dreams and plans, no matter how beautiful or how close to success they are, can come crashing down at any moment in life.

- Love and kindness matter more than lots and lots of things in life. In the end, everything else falls away and has no meaning. But memory that can soothe a heart is the memory of smiles, laughters, and love that we share with others.

- I better prepare my mind; one day it might be me lying in bed and cannot move nor communicate to anyone. Sickness has a right to visit every human being at any time.

Last night and tonight...I went to my uncle's funeral. His face is now calm, showing no more pain and suffering. The picture beside his coffin shows him smiling so happily. I don't know where he is right now but at least I'm relieved that he is now free from his weak body. And his death, as well as his sickness, give me a good lesson to learn.

- Don't postpone visiting anyone or be loving to anyone. We think that there're still time and we can do that later, but they might just be gone so soon and there's no way you can return the time.

A week before my uncle's death, the priest at my church told me "blessings go to your sick uncle" and at the moment I had a feeling that God wanted me to visit him on the next weekend, before the schedule of my trip. I wanted to say goodbye to him for the last time. But when the time came, I just let the moment slip pass me by...paying attention to other things in life and thought that I could do it later. One week after that, he passed away.

I have made this kind of mistakes twice already, what a shame.

Temptation of the "FARM"

After watching people playing all these farming games on their computer (HayDay, Harvest Moon, Plantasia, etc.) I used to wonder what it is that makes a lot of people like this type of game. It's not real anyway, all those crops, farm animals, products, and money. They are just imaginary stuff. I rather have a real one, I said to myself. For years, I've watched people playing the games but never tried it. 

But after deciding to try it once, I got myself addicted to one of these games, and now I understand what it is that pull us into this imaginary world and never want to quit.

The sense of "accomplishment" is very tempting indeed. When you do the farming in the games, there are mild challenges for you to overcome. But everything is way, way easier than real life. You plant the crops and they grow right in front of your eyes. Harvesting taking only seconds. Making products take hours but you don't have to shed any sweat, and you don't have to worry about the quality of the products for they are going to come out perfect. And the customers who bought your products will never come back and complain. The truck that delivers your product never have any troubles and the unseen driver never complains that they are tired. Yes, there are challenges, you have to plan the production and the resources. But in the game world, everything is just so easy. The sense of accomplishment is something we feel after we can successfully finish something as we plan, and that can happens so easily in a game. Look, I planted my crops and now they've fully grown I'm going to harvest them! Look, I have harvested the crops and now and I'm about to make some products in the machine! Look, my products are finished now I'm about to sell them. Look, they are sold and I earn so much money!! The sense of doing things successfully is what I felt while I was playing this type of game. I just want to keep doing it without coming back into the real world. I want to complete the orders first, for the customers are waiting. I want to earn a bit more money first because in just half an hour everything will be ready to pack and I will gain a lot of money from three orders finished in a row.

I felt like I'd accomplished things when I play the games, but in truth, all are just imaginary. Nothing is real. Nothing matters to my real life. Nothing helps me become a better person. Nothing makes me any richer. Actually, playing the game made me lose a very valuable thing in real life, "Time." Instead of finishing my work and making myself helpful to others, I was glued to the game and never wanted to stop. I wasted and wasted and wasted the precious time of my real life, just for imaginary accomplishment on the screen.

I am grateful that life has taught me to understand why people are addicted to the game, and I have had enough of that. I don't want to ruin my life any longer. And I really pray that God will help me quit forever, for I believe that trying to get rid of any addiction is impossible without God's grace.