The Road Less Taken...And Its Tragic Result

Once I saw a split on the road

One is well-worn, well-treaded

Almost all my friends and family walk on it

My ancestors walked on it

This is the way life should be, they said

This is how it's done

This is how life suppose to be

It's a boring, up and down road

But not too bad, we'll all make it through


But I saw another road there

The road less taken

It looked refreshing and new

It seemed to lead to a beautiful mountain

And I heard there is a rainbow on the top

And I had an adventurous spirit, back then

I was a mountain-climber back then

I had so much life in me 

So much strength in me

back then.


The road was so tempting

The road was so beautiful

Then I saw a man

He said, let's walk this road together

We will journey on a new path together

We will climb that mountain

And reach that rainbow together


"Ok" I said 

He gave me a hand and I took it.

He said "Let me carry your heart for you"

And I gave it to him.

But forgot to ask for his.


We start on the road less taken

Moving further and further away 

From the well-worn road

At first it was fun

The wood was fascinating

The rough path was challenging

So many flowers on the way too

And our hands  were in each other

All the time


But then it grew darker and darker

But then the storm began to blow

But then the thorns broke my shoes

And made my foot bleed


"Can we stop?" I asked.

"It hurt real bad 
I can't keep up with your pace now"

He shook his head. "No, just keep going"

"We don't have much time to waste"



I tried to keep on walking

But the wound got worse 

Infected and swollen

I began to lose my strength

My body shook in the storm

So cold, so cold, so cold


"Can we stop for a while?" I asked again
"I'm so weak now. I can't go on"
He began to get mad
"Why are you slowing me down?"
"Why can't you just keep on walking?
It's just a wound!
See, I have had many cuts and wound
but I'm ok.
You should be like me.
You should follow my example. 
You know it's a dangerous road



He dragged me on through bushes and thorns

I had more cut. I lost more blood. 

The road is darker, no more light

No more flowers to be seen.

I felt a dizziness 

I knew I was about to faint

And then I did faint


I whispered to him "I really can't go on.

No more strength is in me.

I need rest. I need healing. 

Could you help me find some herb and water?"


Unwillingly, he let me rest.

One minute, then he said,

"You know it's my goal

I want to walk this path

I want to reach that mountain

I want to see the rainbow.

I thought we share the same goal"

But now you stop walking

And I don't have much time because the road is long.

You can stay here, but I can't."


He's about to let go of my hand

So I begged, "don't leave me, please don't leave

You have my heart with you."

So he said, "here, I give it back."

And he gave me a piece of plastic

It was not my heart.

The man was not aware 

That he has swallowed my heart

My heart had blended into him

And there was no way that I could take it back


And then he said, 
"I can wait no longer."
"I will walk ahead, follow me if you can"
"But if you can't, then I can't help." 


He began to walk away

With my heart in his body.

Not knowing that he is killing me.

I am feeling my body frozen

I am running out of blood

I am dying slowly a painful death

No traveler can travel without strength

No hiker can climb any mountain 

Or find any rainbow

Without her own heart. 


Then I saw people on another road

Those that I knew

My friends, family, ancestors...

They walk the usual path

They fare well and they are fine.

Their pace is slow, there is no mountain to climb

There is no fancy rainbow at the end of their road

But what matter is that they are not lost.

They are not left alone to die.



It was an icy cold night

And I was in the middle of nowhere

And the road ahead look empty, dry and long

I had come too far to turn back 

I had come too far to change my path 

I had come too far from the split of the road


I have picked the road less taken

There is no way of turning back

I  made even a worse mistake

I chose to walk that wild and crazy road with a man

I chose to give my heart into his hand



I looked around.

No more water to be found

No more fire, blanket

My whole legs are infected

And there is no medicine.


I tried to crawl...with the last drop of my strength

Hoping to catch up with him

But his figure looked smaller and smaller

Further and further away

And I bled..and bled..and bled


So...

When the pain become too unbearable

And all the hope are dried up

I looked around and looked around

And I saw a cliff

A place to jump

A choice is there again

Plunging to the darkness

Forgetting everything

Ending the misery

Or struggle here

And die slowly and painfully


So this this the story

of a road less taken

and its tragic end. 


Hope other travelers learn from me. 

A Search for Peace of Mind

After I decided to have one more serious prayer for God to release me from the vicious cycle, and I am being given a period of break. I think it's good to shift my mind on something else, like some useful thoughts I found from text and books. Sometimes thinking and analyzing is the only thing that I can do to keep my mind occupied from painful negative thoughts, so I just do it,

Not long ago, I was sitting on a bus, writing my diary and crying. The lady who was sitting next to me, before she got off the bus, gave me a little piece of paper containing this:

God, give me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference

             

This is called the serenity prayer. So I came to thinking that someone who have these three things surely find peace in his/her life. And what about me and my life? Not surprising that I have no peace because I don't have any of them!  

- First of all, I'm not so sure what are the things I can or can't change. It seems very confusing to me. Bur after thinking through for a while, I seem to see that I need to change something in myself and my life, but I have a problem doing that. And I've been trying to change something about another person, which I don't know if it's possible to change. (But I try to do it by prayer too)

- I don't have the serenity to accept the things I can't change. The vicious cycle is too painful for me. And there are some things about my life and relationship that if I decided to accept as a fact that I can't change, I will be put into a state of depression forever. That's why I'm still trying to change it, even trying to change another person's mind. I'm doing everything not to accept it as a thing I can't change because if I accepts, then I find absolutely no hope and joy in my life. I still don't know what to do with this perspective problem. 

- The courage to change the thing I can, well, a depressed person don't have much of that. Things seem to be cursed as forever hopeless. However,  I've been thinking that I need to change the way I think of myself, and the world and others. I need to change the way I relate to God and surrender more to His will. But there is a lack of faith going on right now and I'm afraid to trust Him. Past failures in my effort  to have a more peaceful and happier life also makes me feel that no matter how I try, it would not change anyway.

So I lack all three. Period. 

But no matter what, the kindness of the lady who gave me this little piece of paper would be imprinted in the depth of my heart. Simple little kindness can mean so much for a person in the dark.

This song heals me

Today, as I was working on the computer inside a coffee shop, I thought of this song, I used to recommend it to a friend and she commented today that it was powerful and beautiful. So I decided that I would listen to it again, just simply a feel-like-to-do it feeling out of the blue.

As the song began just a few second, tears brimmed my eyes, I felt I was lifted up. And when the refrain came up, I felt a power came into my heart and wiped away the pain. I cried tears of joy. I didn't know why I cried, but it felt like I was  brought into an ocean of prayers, like a prayer for humanity. We all suffer down here. We are in pain. Please help us. Let Your kingdom come.

I felt loved, I felt a presence of Love. And somehow I felt that Christ is truly the light and I didn't know why I felt that. It just happened inside my heart.

I felt like this song, this prayer, goes out to all who suffer on earth. I want to be a part of it. I want those who hurt receive healing and comfort. Then my heart begins to have a little hope for the future, a little desire to repent. And I also prayed for the one who hurt me, and I might have hurt him too.

These past few days, I struggled hard to keep my faith and trust in the Lord. When I think of the vicious cycle of darkness that kept repeating itself over and over, I thought of suicide. Actually, I've been planning carefully my suicide.

I will not say that this song can completely remove me from suicidal state.  But it truly gives me something that I haven't felt for such a long time.....

The Presence of the Lord.