Once I saw a split on the road
One is well-worn, well-treaded
Almost all my friends and family walk on it
My ancestors walked on it
This is the way life should be, they said
This is how it's done
This is how life suppose to be
It's a boring, up and down road
But not too bad, we'll all make it through
But I saw another road there
The road less taken
It looked refreshing and new
It seemed to lead to a beautiful mountain
And I heard there is a rainbow on the top
And I had an adventurous spirit, back then
I was a mountain-climber back then
I had so much life in me
So much strength in me
back then.
The road was so tempting
The road was so beautiful
Then I saw a man
He said, let's walk this road together
We will journey on a new path together
We will climb that mountain
And reach that rainbow together
"Ok" I said
He gave me a hand and I took it.
He said "Let me carry your heart for you"
And I gave it to him.
But forgot to ask for his.
We start on the road less taken
Moving further and further away
From the well-worn road
At first it was fun
The wood was fascinating
The rough path was challenging
So many flowers on the way too
And our hands were in each other
All the time
But then it grew darker and darker
But then the storm began to blow
But then the thorns broke my shoes
And made my foot bleed
"Can we stop?" I asked.
"It hurt real bad
I can't keep up with your pace now"
He shook his head. "No, just keep going"
"We don't have much time to waste"
I tried to keep on walking
But the wound got worse
Infected and swollen
I began to lose my strength
My body shook in the storm
So cold, so cold, so cold
"Can we stop for a while?" I asked again
"I'm so weak now. I can't go on"
He began to get mad
"Why are you slowing me down?"
"Why can't you just keep on walking?
It's just a wound!
See, I have had many cuts and wound
but I'm ok.
You should be like me.
You should follow my example.
You know it's a dangerous road
He dragged me on through bushes and thorns
I had more cut. I lost more blood.
The road is darker, no more light
No more flowers to be seen.
I felt a dizziness
I knew I was about to faint
And then I did faint
I whispered to him "I really can't go on.
No more strength is in me.
I need rest. I need healing.
Could you help me find some herb and water?"
Unwillingly, he let me rest.
One minute, then he said,
"You know it's my goal
I want to walk this path
I want to reach that mountain
I want to see the rainbow.
I thought we share the same goal"
But now you stop walking
And I don't have much time because the road is long.
You can stay here, but I can't."
He's about to let go of my hand
So I begged, "don't leave me, please don't leave
You have my heart with you."
So he said, "here, I give it back."
And he gave me a piece of plastic
It was not my heart.
The man was not aware
That he has swallowed my heart
My heart had blended into him
And there was no way that I could take it back
And then he said,
"I can wait no longer."
"I will walk ahead, follow me if you can"
"But if you can't, then I can't help."
He began to walk away
With my heart in his body.
Not knowing that he is killing me.
I am feeling my body frozen
I am running out of blood
I am dying slowly a painful death
No traveler can travel without strength
No hiker can climb any mountain
Or find any rainbow
Without her own heart.
Then I saw people on another road
Those that I knew
My friends, family, ancestors...
They walk the usual path
They fare well and they are fine.
Their pace is slow, there is no mountain to climb
There is no fancy rainbow at the end of their road
But what matter is that they are not lost.
They are not left alone to die.
It was an icy cold night
And I was in the middle of nowhere
And the road ahead look empty, dry and long
I had come too far to turn back
I had come too far to change my path
I had come too far from the split of the road
I have picked the road less taken
There is no way of turning back
I made even a worse mistake
I chose to walk that wild and crazy road with a man
I chose to give my heart into his hand
I looked around.
No more water to be found
No more fire, blanket
My whole legs are infected
And there is no medicine.
I tried to crawl...with the last drop of my strength
Hoping to catch up with him
But his figure looked smaller and smaller
Further and further away
And I bled..and bled..and bled
So...
When the pain become too unbearable
And all the hope are dried up
I looked around and looked around
And I saw a cliff
A place to jump
A choice is there again
Plunging to the darkness
Forgetting everything
Ending the misery
Or struggle here
And die slowly and painfully
So this this the story
of a road less taken
and its tragic end.
Hope other travelers learn from me.
Friday, 18 March 2016
Friday, 11 March 2016
A Search for Peace of Mind
After I decided to have one more serious prayer for God to release me from the vicious cycle, and I am being given a period of break. I think it's good to shift my mind on something else, like some useful thoughts I found from text and books. Sometimes thinking and analyzing is the only thing that I can do to keep my mind occupied from painful negative thoughts, so I just do it,
Not long ago, I was sitting on a bus, writing my diary and crying. The lady who was sitting next to me, before she got off the bus, gave me a little piece of paper containing this:
Not long ago, I was sitting on a bus, writing my diary and crying. The lady who was sitting next to me, before she got off the bus, gave me a little piece of paper containing this:
God, give me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference
This is called the serenity prayer. So I came to thinking that someone who have these three things surely find peace in his/her life. And what about me and my life? Not surprising that I have no peace because I don't have any of them!
- First of all, I'm not so sure what are the things I can or can't change. It seems very confusing to me. Bur after thinking through for a while, I seem to see that I need to change something in myself and my life, but I have a problem doing that. And I've been trying to change something about another person, which I don't know if it's possible to change. (But I try to do it by prayer too)
- I don't have the serenity to accept the things I can't change. The vicious cycle is too painful for me. And there are some things about my life and relationship that if I decided to accept as a fact that I can't change, I will be put into a state of depression forever. That's why I'm still trying to change it, even trying to change another person's mind. I'm doing everything not to accept it as a thing I can't change because if I accepts, then I find absolutely no hope and joy in my life. I still don't know what to do with this perspective problem.
- The courage to change the thing I can, well, a depressed person don't have much of that. Things seem to be cursed as forever hopeless. However, I've been thinking that I need to change the way I think of myself, and the world and others. I need to change the way I relate to God and surrender more to His will. But there is a lack of faith going on right now and I'm afraid to trust Him. Past failures in my effort to have a more peaceful and happier life also makes me feel that no matter how I try, it would not change anyway.
So I lack all three. Period.
But no matter what, the kindness of the lady who gave me this little piece of paper would be imprinted in the depth of my heart. Simple little kindness can mean so much for a person in the dark.
Thursday, 3 March 2016
This song heals me
Today, as I was working on the computer inside a coffee shop, I thought of this song, I used to recommend it to a friend and she commented today that it was powerful and beautiful. So I decided that I would listen to it again, just simply a feel-like-to-do it feeling out of the blue.
As the song began just a few second, tears brimmed my eyes, I felt I was lifted up. And when the refrain came up, I felt a power came into my heart and wiped away the pain. I cried tears of joy. I didn't know why I cried, but it felt like I was brought into an ocean of prayers, like a prayer for humanity. We all suffer down here. We are in pain. Please help us. Let Your kingdom come.
I felt loved, I felt a presence of Love. And somehow I felt that Christ is truly the light and I didn't know why I felt that. It just happened inside my heart.
I felt like this song, this prayer, goes out to all who suffer on earth. I want to be a part of it. I want those who hurt receive healing and comfort. Then my heart begins to have a little hope for the future, a little desire to repent. And I also prayed for the one who hurt me, and I might have hurt him too.
These past few days, I struggled hard to keep my faith and trust in the Lord. When I think of the vicious cycle of darkness that kept repeating itself over and over, I thought of suicide. Actually, I've been planning carefully my suicide.
I will not say that this song can completely remove me from suicidal state. But it truly gives me something that I haven't felt for such a long time.....
The Presence of the Lord.
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