A Search for Peace of Mind

After I decided to have one more serious prayer for God to release me from the vicious cycle, and I am being given a period of break. I think it's good to shift my mind on something else, like some useful thoughts I found from text and books. Sometimes thinking and analyzing is the only thing that I can do to keep my mind occupied from painful negative thoughts, so I just do it,

Not long ago, I was sitting on a bus, writing my diary and crying. The lady who was sitting next to me, before she got off the bus, gave me a little piece of paper containing this:

God, give me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference

             

This is called the serenity prayer. So I came to thinking that someone who have these three things surely find peace in his/her life. And what about me and my life? Not surprising that I have no peace because I don't have any of them!  

- First of all, I'm not so sure what are the things I can or can't change. It seems very confusing to me. Bur after thinking through for a while, I seem to see that I need to change something in myself and my life, but I have a problem doing that. And I've been trying to change something about another person, which I don't know if it's possible to change. (But I try to do it by prayer too)

- I don't have the serenity to accept the things I can't change. The vicious cycle is too painful for me. And there are some things about my life and relationship that if I decided to accept as a fact that I can't change, I will be put into a state of depression forever. That's why I'm still trying to change it, even trying to change another person's mind. I'm doing everything not to accept it as a thing I can't change because if I accepts, then I find absolutely no hope and joy in my life. I still don't know what to do with this perspective problem. 

- The courage to change the thing I can, well, a depressed person don't have much of that. Things seem to be cursed as forever hopeless. However,  I've been thinking that I need to change the way I think of myself, and the world and others. I need to change the way I relate to God and surrender more to His will. But there is a lack of faith going on right now and I'm afraid to trust Him. Past failures in my effort  to have a more peaceful and happier life also makes me feel that no matter how I try, it would not change anyway.

So I lack all three. Period. 

But no matter what, the kindness of the lady who gave me this little piece of paper would be imprinted in the depth of my heart. Simple little kindness can mean so much for a person in the dark.