When looking back through one of the most difficult periods of life, it is useful to think back and see what helped me survive through it. I was suicidal, terribly depressed and devastated, but I did survive until the storm was over. (Thanks God it was over, at least for now.)
Here is the summary of what helped me:
- I was almost get trapped inside a mental hospital, but my parents saved me out of it. My mother asked me to promise her not to kill myself. She trusted me and she let me stay free from the hospital. And how could I possibly hurt her or betray her. I saw pain and sorrow in her eyes because she was so worried about me. So when I said I promised I really meant it.
-So many people sent their encouragement, even those who I didn't expect that they still think of me and care about me.
- I got some good anti-depression medicine and also another one for anxiety and hallucination
- Most importantly, I could not hate Jesus. I went to church on Holy Friday and was reminded of all the agony he went through during his trial and sufferings and crucifixion. Somehow I couldn't deny that it was all for me and for everyone in the world. My life was bad, but it would be much worse without his gift of salvation. I could not help but cried and said thank you to him. Somehow I still feel my love for him. Then I felt my heart melted and I felt a desire to surrender all to Jesus. I didn't really have the courage to do it all of a sudden like some people do, but I felt that deep desire to surrender, slowly and gradually, to God's will.
- God led me to two very good books. They talked about how to handle pain and fear and worry. One of the books is called "Fear" written by Thich Nhat Hanh. What I got out of the book and put into practice is how to stay with the moment and see the seed of fear and worry come up from deep within me, love it and hold it gently, and let it go back to sleep. I shouldn't be frantically pushing it away. I shouldn't be angry at it. Just let it peacefully come and go. There's something about Thich Nhat Hanh books and the way he preaches. Every time I hear his teaching, I felt a deep peace within. He must have a lot of God's light and love within him so much that it overflows to others. He is not against Jesus. He knows how universal truth is united into one. The other book was "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It teaches me how to stay deeply aware of the present moment, not to let my mind wander to the past and to the future, and create my own pain, which are all illusion. This one is helpful when I practice too.
- One of the most important factors of all, the man I love didn't leave me on the road like I fear he would. Somehow we are still together and somehow I began to notice that many times he sacrificed his own happiness for me. I prayed to God and it seemed that the prayer is slowly being answered. Maybe not all of a sudden, but he seemed to try harder not to hurt me with his anger and I was reminded by God lately that I should care more about his feelings as well. Love still carries us together on the river to the ocean. And I am still grateful...so very, very grateful..that he is in my life.
There are things that can be hard to take in a person, but it doesn't matter if love is stronger. We passed through a lot of ups and downs and I really hope that if our heart is united into the love of God, then that's the way how we can permanently be together. Our own self are so fragile and selfish. We need to hang on to God in order to learn how to love each other. And God has never left us.
That's all the things I remember when looking back...at the end of the storm.
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