My Problem About "Carrying the Cross"

I read something and it says that if you willingly accept the cross, there will be the light of the Lord accompanying you along the way, so I do an experiment tonight.

I said 'Yes' to it, and in the beginning it was good. There seem to be some strength to carry on with my duties. But then, after a while, it's gone. All that is left for me is just sadness and fear.

There is a specific matter that I kept asking the Lord not to put the cross on me, because it hurts too much. The problem about it is that every time it happens, I'm starting to lose the faith, I fell down into the deep depression. The problem about it is that it always happen either before or after days that I receive spiritual blessing or plan to or try to. After it happened, my faith would be terribly destroyed. The problem about it is I see no lights after carrying this specific cross. Just more and more darkness and fear. Less and less faith.

The hurt caused to me from a specific person has terrible effect on my mental health. But what's worse about it is the hatred of myself and the doubt that I have toward the Lord more and more whenever this specific suffering happens.

I know that life can't be without sufferings. Never expect mine to be without them. But there is a specific matter that I wish the Lord would be kind to spare me from, I wish that the yoke on this one would be softer. I heard that the Lord won't give you too much to carry, but whenever this one happen, I have more and more doubt about that verse in the Bible. I know that my ordeal and suffering are much less in magnitude when compared to that of some other people, but I am particularly very weak in some specific spots in my heart, and this suffering keeps strumming on that pain. And I see no good in it...no...

So far, the result of the experiment that I tried tonight is that there "seem to be" some light in the beginning and then it's gone.

This event of suffering, resulting from my fault and I admitted it, but it was an accident and I already asked the Lord to forgive me, and I already said sorry to the person being harmed but it seemed that the person  intentionally did something to hurt me and refused to hear my apology.

The same vicious cycle is about to begin...

The fear and anxiety, and the heaviness and pain in the chest and the stomach, the dreadful hours before an important event I plan to make some effort for my spirituality, destroying my hope and faith and my desire to do anything good for my spirituality. The depression...The desire to die...

I think if there is no change by tomorrow. I'm gonna let the Devil win....again...

I'm gonna care nothing about the spiritual event that I am about to join, unless something would happen to revive my faith tomorrow.

I'm gonna be asking and praying the thing that Christian not suppose to do, I think  I have to....

"Take this cross away from me. Take this cross away from me."
without the ending part, "Yet thy will be done"

At least, there was a moment I did try, but I don't know whether it matters. This suffering does me no good so far,,,,the light and the strength are all gone. The negative thoughts crowded my head and the pain in my chest would prevent me from sleeping without a sleeping pill tonight.

The only positive thought I can have now is....at least there is that pill.

How can you tell me you're lonely and say for you the sunshine don't shine?

Today is another bad day. That's what I thought. I woke up depressed and the mood went on for more than half a day. There were troubles here and there all through the day.

But then, I found this song on Youtube, an old folk song that I used to listen to when I was young.
I watched and I cried and thought how far I am from being totally alone and deprived of all the good things.

I know that I won't be able to do much good to the world, if I can't find peace within myself. As long as I can't find that "water" that Jesus talked about, the water once drink, and you won't be thirst again, then I won't have a lot of peace and a lot of love to share to others. I still have a hard time trying to connect to the Lord, deep within me. If I found that deep peace, then my mission to the world might begin. If not, then I would have to continue being depressed and anxious with all the problems centering on myself and my life, instead of reaching out to others.

But tonight I found that my dreams don't die. They are just asleep. I dream that one day I could be one human being that make this world a little better place for the poor and lonely on the streets, and be someone who has a part in creating peace and harmony among the people in this world, creating the Kingdom of the Lord right here on Earth.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta's book used to touch me deeply. But I just know that the first thing I need to do now is not going out there and trying to become a volunteer by my own effort. I felt a call that I need to find this peace within me somehow, before I can start doing anything good.

It's just a dream, anyway. (Sigh)