Addiction, Addiction, Addiction

 I think so many things can be addicted. Actually, almost all things can be addicted, because all addictions comes from the same root:  a need to run and hide from pain and a weakened mind

For me, I've been addicted to several things: food, drink, sleep, Youtube, Netflix, and I used to be addicted to relationship and a person, too. I think it's just simply my nature. Someone can be prone to addiction more than others. I'm already thankful that I'm not addicted to things that are more dangerous like drugs or alcohol or cigarettes; otherwise my life will turn out even worse than it is right now.

Lately, I've been sitting and watching movies on my computer for hours, despite my will to break free from this cycle of Netflix addiction. I think I know why this happens. It's so easy. Once I start watching a movie or a series, I got drawn into another world, a world of excitement, romance, funny people, whatsoever. I forgot about my life, my suffering. I forgot about who I am. I forgot the whole world of reality for a while and that is a break from pain, isn't it? It's just like any other addictive things, it gives you quick joy, quick rush of dopamine, some moments of rest from worry and depression.  I think it's just the same with all kinds of addiction.

The way out? Well, I just need to build a motivation big enough to moderate the behavior or I might have to withdraw the membership. But, I know that my weakness wouldn't allow me to do the second choice soon. I really do need escapism sometimes. So I think I'll just fight it and if I can use my most longing or wishes to back up my motivation, maybe it will work? I don't know.

Just think about the hard work of quitting this addiction and the failures in the past on this matter is already a kind of suffering in itself. 

                                                                      

The picture is from the internet. I don't own it. It seems to represent me and a world I escape to. Thank you to the owner of the picture. 

Anger: An often-uncontrollable giant waves of feeling

 

I've come to noticed something strange lately.  While I was on the trip, a few days ago, a stranger deceived me by pretending to be taxi motorcycle that I called for from the application. That guy was almost sent by the devil, he got me to the wrong place first, before taking me to the right spot, it was almost intentional. When the real rider called me and said he was waiting, that deceiver just made a "well, can't help it, you gotta pay me" face. So I ended up pay both riders for that unnecessary short ride.

I wasn't angry!! How was I able to forgive that man?? My mind at the moment of arriving in front of the church was at peace although the situation was quite hectic. I decided to forgive and forget and keep myself at peace, and I was able to do it, seem easy for me that day.

But when I came back home and found that my mom moved things and changed things on my work desk and my bedroom AGAIN, I got so mad at her!!! I shouted at her and I complained and complained and complained. I ended up hurting my mom's feelings and I got myself severely depressed afterward. 

I couldn't control my anger at that moment. I don't know why. It wasn't a big thing but somehow it hurts me a lot. Why?? 

Why sometimes my mind is like a peaceful night and things that attack me seem very small and don't hurt a lot? But why sometimes my mind seem very quick to hurt and just a tiny bit of negative stimulation can be giant tidal wave, got me screaming and crying? 

I come to think of the word "TRIGGER" .   There are things that although seemed small but it could remind my subconsciousness of an event that caused me extreme pain. 

Maybe it's because some annoyance that seems small but if it keeps repeating again and again, it could be a suffering. So many times I come home and couldn't find things on desk because my mom had moved it, I was shocked while getting dressed many times because mom opened the curtain of my bedroom, which is my safe zone, and she didn't close it back. So many times that I had to open up the bag of the garbage again and again while I was in a hurry because she kept tying the bag. I had already told her many times that I didn't want my stuff to be messed around, but still....

I know it's small. It's a trivial thing. 

I know that I owed my mother so many, many things that I couldn't be able to pay back.

But still...I could not control my anger at her.

Is it because of her reaction after I complained? My mom and I got this vicious cycle of feedback reaction. My reaction feeds her anger and her reaction feeds my anger and keep going in circle. They are TRIGGERS of traumatic experience between us in the past. 

Anyway, among the things I learn that are uncontrollable about lives....uncontrollable anger is one of the worst. It destroys others, destroys me, destroy my life and even almost destroy my soul. 

And I don' t believe that only those terrible medicine is the only choice for me to get out of uncontrollable anger. (I'll talk about them later.) 

                                                                  Peaceful State of Mind

                                                    

                                                     Hit by a wave of uncontrollable anger

                                                     (And I'm NOT firm and strong like the lighthouse)

Traveling Keeps Me Alive

 I cannot explain how much I love traveling. For me, the change of place and scenery and the time to stay away from the old environment helps me to stay fresh and alert, and the state of my mind will be more peaceful than usual. I love getting familiar with a new room. I love to look out the window of the bus and just keep looking at things out there. It helps me to stay with the present instead of getting lost in the world of worry and fear or negative thoughts. 

I got a lot of work done on the last trip. Although waking up and falling asleep without a pattern is still a big problem for me, but at least I remember feeling that I didn't feel very down. I guess it's because there is no noise, no argument with anyone, no usual sound of morning quarrel downstairs. And there is always, always some places to see, some things to do, and some food to try. 

Moreover, traveling is the only time that I get to have my own room, my own bed, and stay air-conditioned for most of the time that I work. It's a great comfort for me.

On this trip, I made it to Sunday morning mass, after I hadn't been able to do so for such a long time. 

However, now I'm back. And the darkness began a few minutes right after I stepped into the house. I had a bad quarrel with mum. And all the plans that I planned to do that night collapsed because I got so very depressed that I couldn't move away from the sofa. 

I can't wait for my next trip. 

(This is a picture from the internet. I don't own it. It just gives me that sense of freedom from traveling so I put it here.)

Morning Usual Curses and Rare Blessings

 One of the most difficult thing in my life, which is probably an easy for many, is to get up in the morning and "stay awake" without falling back to bed. 

There are a lot of things that happen to me at the moment of waking up or a few minutes after waking up. The state between being awake and being asleep is really a fragile state for me. I could be waking from nightmare, hearing songs in my head that make me feel bad, getting flashes of ugly pictures behind my eyes, hearing my parents fighting downstairs and feel depressed, or feel very down and struggle to get up because my body seems to say "I don't want to get up and face another day because it's going to be more suffering." 

There are also worse state, like what I just faced this morning. It is a terrible feeling of NOT wanting to work, not wanting to go to teach. The feeling was so strong that I almost canceled the all the sessions that afternoon. I was down in my bed, knowing that I should get up, knowing that what I'm doing is wrong, but having no control over myself. It was as if there was another me inside, controlling my body to just lie there, saying "don't go to teach today, it's too much suffering.", and I'm also inside screaming "you need to get up!" to no avail. I struggled hard to get out of the house this morning. Actually, I was already sent a message to the institute trying to cancel the whole thing but received a reply that I couldn't, I must be there. 

So...that's my morning curses. The more older I am, the more I have it.

There are some blessings, though. It's just so rare but it's good. Yesterday morning I heard a very sweet song of a bird near my window when I was waking up. I felt no sleepiness and depression in me. There were some days that song of encouragement was playing in my head instead of the bad ones. 

However, if I was able to get up in such nice mornings, but I fell back to bed again, the terrible condition will return and I won't be able to get up again for a long time, maybe 3 to 4 hours. 

These are things that I don't know how to explain to people. I don't know how to explain to the doctors. They didn't understand. They just thought that pills would help but actually they don't. 

I heard that fluoxetine can make people even more depressed. And the terrible episode that got me this morning was after I took the pill. It seems that almost all medicine prescribed by psychiatrists do me more harm than good. 

Anyway, just to remind myself of the few pleasant mornings. I want to post these pictures I found on the internet. It calmed me down when I look at them. 

Back to My Resting Place

 I thought I have lost this space a long time ago. So surprised to find that it's still here, just when I need it the most. I am battling the suicide thoughts every day. I've been writing things on my Facebook but I think it's not the right space to post something long like an article. And maybe it's  it's just a garbage in feed news for some people anyway. I don't open my Facebook to public due to security reason. But here, I don't mind. Writing soothes my pain so I'm going to write here every day, to rest from the world. 

I'm so tired, body and soul. I don't know how long I would last in this world. 

I am back to my resting place now.

(The picture is from the internet. I don't own it)