I've come to noticed something strange lately. While I was on the trip, a few days ago, a stranger deceived me by pretending to be taxi motorcycle that I called for from the application. That guy was almost sent by the devil, he got me to the wrong place first, before taking me to the right spot, it was almost intentional. When the real rider called me and said he was waiting, that deceiver just made a "well, can't help it, you gotta pay me" face. So I ended up pay both riders for that unnecessary short ride.
I wasn't angry!! How was I able to forgive that man?? My mind at the moment of arriving in front of the church was at peace although the situation was quite hectic. I decided to forgive and forget and keep myself at peace, and I was able to do it, seem easy for me that day.
But when I came back home and found that my mom moved things and changed things on my work desk and my bedroom AGAIN, I got so mad at her!!! I shouted at her and I complained and complained and complained. I ended up hurting my mom's feelings and I got myself severely depressed afterward.
I couldn't control my anger at that moment. I don't know why. It wasn't a big thing but somehow it hurts me a lot. Why??
Why sometimes my mind is like a peaceful night and things that attack me seem very small and don't hurt a lot? But why sometimes my mind seem very quick to hurt and just a tiny bit of negative stimulation can be giant tidal wave, got me screaming and crying?
I come to think of the word "TRIGGER" . There are things that although seemed small but it could remind my subconsciousness of an event that caused me extreme pain.
Maybe it's because some annoyance that seems small but if it keeps repeating again and again, it could be a suffering. So many times I come home and couldn't find things on desk because my mom had moved it, I was shocked while getting dressed many times because mom opened the curtain of my bedroom, which is my safe zone, and she didn't close it back. So many times that I had to open up the bag of the garbage again and again while I was in a hurry because she kept tying the bag. I had already told her many times that I didn't want my stuff to be messed around, but still....
I know it's small. It's a trivial thing.
I know that I owed my mother so many, many things that I couldn't be able to pay back.
But still...I could not control my anger at her.
Is it because of her reaction after I complained? My mom and I got this vicious cycle of feedback reaction. My reaction feeds her anger and her reaction feeds my anger and keep going in circle. They are TRIGGERS of traumatic experience between us in the past.
Anyway, among the things I learn that are uncontrollable about lives....uncontrollable anger is one of the worst. It destroys others, destroys me, destroy my life and even almost destroy my soul.
And I don' t believe that only those terrible medicine is the only choice for me to get out of uncontrollable anger. (I'll talk about them later.)
(And I'm NOT firm and strong like the lighthouse)
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