The Door

 Sleep, these days, becomes like the door to an unknown world. Sometimes it opens to beauty and sometimes it opens to horrifying things. The time between sleep and waking is an uncontrolled area where everything can happen, voices, noises, songs, flashes of images. During the sad times a pain in the chest will also happen before I wake up.

Today it was as if a good dream appears shortly. In that dream I brought two of my closest friends to a small waterfall, like a little pond in the forest. It was night time. They think the area is cooling and refreshing and we went into the water. Unfortunately, something woke me up from that beautiful dream, feeling like I was being pulled harshly away from it. It suddenly disappeared. 

Then, after the dream disappeared, songs came into my head. At first it doesn't seem to mean anything and then I heard a song that seem to be intended to worsen the pain in my heart. It was the same old kind of torment that I endured in this life over and over again. I hear songs in my head and I can't control it and sometimes they meant to remind me of something that will make me feel worse. Followed with chest pain, during the heaviest of depression, there is chest pain. As if there is a hollow inside of me. It is one of the most terrible things because sometimes this chest pain is a mixture between physical, emotional and spiritual feeling. Sometimes the heart feel physically hurt. Sometimes the soul feel so hollow and extremely miserable. 

I can't sleep deeply these days. But at least I hope the if the door opens, it will bring me somewhere nice. Those nice places are much better than my reality. 

I chuckled at the thought. Since I've become older adult, I'm not one blessed with too many good dreams anyway, rather one cursed with a lot of nightmare. It is unlikely anyway.

I want to take my medicine and sleep deeply. But as long as the unfinished and terribly overdue work is not done, I am chained, and I can't risk feeling anymore sleepier. Fatigue already lived inside my body and I fell asleep so often during the day. I don't want to take those medicine. But maybe...maybe when the pain is too much...I might take one and force myself to go outside to keep awake.

Dead ends and death thoughts

 

    I think I've come to the same cliff again, the same abyss, the one which I hoped wouldn't return. It seems that my life is always full of dead ends. It is the labyrinth without a way out, or maybe I'm just too stupid to see one. I remember I used to stand here, feeling abandoned by God and almost everyone. And you know, the only thought that would come, the frequent visitor, the old friend, is death.

So many people kill themselves these days and without pain they wouldn't have done so. And the usual thought that popped up, probably inspired by the Father of darkness, is "you are just one of them that need to die that way, you just one who struggled and struggled and struggled and in the end there was no way out except to die anyway. All you can do is just postponing it but in the end you'll see that there are no other better alternatives. All are dead ends. All are suffering. If you don't choose death you'll end up a pathetic beggar on the street that nobody cares. You've tried so hard for other choices, other options, but one day you'll know that they will lead to the same dead end, the cliff, the abyss." And there are so many who have chosen to die, it is very likely that I can be one of them, right? Why not? I am just another depressed adult in the forties with no house of her own, no save-up money, no stable career, no partner, no children After my parents die one day I  will have nothing to live for.  No joy in life. No realistic goal I can fulfill. No way for my dream to comes true. 

I wouldn't ask the Prince of Darkness to rebuilt my life with wealth or fulfillment because I don't want to end up in the worst place of the universe: Hell. But suicide might lead to a grey and joyless, lifeless place anyway.  But there are a bunch of souls there....sometimes I want to be with others who are depressed just the same, because those who are happy and lively wouldn't understand me anyway.  Sad souls should be with sad souls. 

I don't have a dog anymore. No wagging tail and face licking when I lie down sadly on the sofa. All I can do now is feed the birds and they greet me happily everyday, but those people here just try to stop me from feeding the birds, from doing the only thing that keep me alive in my darkness. I don't want to hate those people but sometimes I can't control my anger. 

The birds eat from me and they hungry stomachs are filled. I feed the birds and my heart is soothed from pain. And these people just say..."OH bird drops are so dirty!!!" They want their cleanliness and they don't care whether a person is dying of sadness or some birds are suffering from hunger. 

My clock is still ticking away....I am still counting backward to zero...hoping to find a way out of the labyrinth before it gets to zero. 

If I find none, I will jump into the abyss, since all the paths seem to lead me there anyway.