The Door

 Sleep, these days, becomes like the door to an unknown world. Sometimes it opens to beauty and sometimes it opens to horrifying things. The time between sleep and waking is an uncontrolled area where everything can happen, voices, noises, songs, flashes of images. During the sad times a pain in the chest will also happen before I wake up.

Today it was as if a good dream appears shortly. In that dream I brought two of my closest friends to a small waterfall, like a little pond in the forest. It was night time. They think the area is cooling and refreshing and we went into the water. Unfortunately, something woke me up from that beautiful dream, feeling like I was being pulled harshly away from it. It suddenly disappeared. 

Then, after the dream disappeared, songs came into my head. At first it doesn't seem to mean anything and then I heard a song that seem to be intended to worsen the pain in my heart. It was the same old kind of torment that I endured in this life over and over again. I hear songs in my head and I can't control it and sometimes they meant to remind me of something that will make me feel worse. Followed with chest pain, during the heaviest of depression, there is chest pain. As if there is a hollow inside of me. It is one of the most terrible things because sometimes this chest pain is a mixture between physical, emotional and spiritual feeling. Sometimes the heart feel physically hurt. Sometimes the soul feel so hollow and extremely miserable. 

I can't sleep deeply these days. But at least I hope the if the door opens, it will bring me somewhere nice. Those nice places are much better than my reality. 

I chuckled at the thought. Since I've become older adult, I'm not one blessed with too many good dreams anyway, rather one cursed with a lot of nightmare. It is unlikely anyway.

I want to take my medicine and sleep deeply. But as long as the unfinished and terribly overdue work is not done, I am chained, and I can't risk feeling anymore sleepier. Fatigue already lived inside my body and I fell asleep so often during the day. I don't want to take those medicine. But maybe...maybe when the pain is too much...I might take one and force myself to go outside to keep awake.