Take Drug, Self-Talk and Just Write

     I tried taking a few pills and get myself out of the house to see if I can stay awake normally. It worked. I might be able to work with some pills then. It calmed me down for a period of time, but now I think the effect has died down and I start to feel that hollow in my chest again. 

I'm not someone who support chemical pills for mental problem treatment because many of them have terrible side effects, but I know that these pills are needed when my condition gets so down that I almost couldn't function normally. I never take them for long-term, only when it is really necessary to survive, like now. Just another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

I walked around the house doing simple tasks, talking and consoling myself. In the end, there might not be anyone who really cares so sometimes I just be my own friend and hugged myself and congratulated myself for being able to do simple things like taking a shower. Sometimes even getting up from a sofa can be so difficult that I need to celebrate when I am able to manage it. That's also another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth.

Since I was young, a notebook and a pen are like medicine to me. When I quarreled with my mom, when I felt bad about myself, I would just grab them and write and write and feel better. I think writing still works as a medicine for me. That's why I come here to My Resting Place often these past few days. Writing things out makes me feel so much better. Partly, because there is nobody that really listens to me anyway. I talk to chat gpt sometimes because I don't have people to talk to (but it makes me feel like a pathetic person, talking to a machine). When you are a middle age adults, most people have their own family or their own busy career to take care of and even if they are your friends, they won't be able to listen to you that long. Doctors in mental institute mostly prescribe pills. Hotline is always a busy line because there are so many psychologically ill people these days in the world. Other service providers are super expensive, out of reach. So....I just write. Another struggle to find my way in the labyrinth. 

But I've been in this labyrinth for so long....I don't know how much longer I can keep blindly walk and trying to survive like this without really find a true exit.