Started my day with an unfortunate incident, my phone mysteriously dropped on the ground when I woke up. It wasn't even in the room where I slept and no one touched it after I left the table. But when I saw it in the morning, it was separated in two halves on the floor, broken, nothing can be seen on the screen.
Broken...yes...just like I am. Like my life...
No miracle came up after the last episode of bad lucks.
Another episode is about to come again?
Without the incident of the phone, life is already something I can't control. I know that it is normal to unable to control accidents, stormy days, environment, economics, society, etc. But what other people can normally control....I can't. I can't control myself. That's one of the worst thing that you can experience in this life. A reason why death is so desirable for me because I foresee the doom waiting ahead.
I've lost discipline in myself. I cannot control it to work with concentration. I cannot control it to stop the distraction. I can't control it to pray. I can't control it to do good things and stop doing bad things to myself and my own life. Those people who could successfully come through the storm of life they at least have the control over themselves. They have the determination and can act according to it. They have the perseverance and discipline, but I almost have none of that.
It is so hard to explain such a weakness to anyone who hasn't experienced it. The uncontrollable laziness, uncontrollable imagination in my head, the uncontrollable addiction, the uncontrollable fatigue and sleepiness, and more. How can I get out of this vicious cycle if I can't even control myself?
No one is here to answer the question. It's been going on for years, the uncontrollable me. Really, what is the point to live for? We all need to at least be able to get ourselves to do the right thing at the right time, at least for most of the time, in order to get out of debt and have an independent life. But the way I am now...a disable person, maybe. Really feel that way.
The uncontrollable sadness and sleepiness begins again.
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