Darkest hour before dawn?

 

The thing that I hate the most and fear the most about life is the period of time when all things are going wrong and all prayers are not answered. Worse that that, the more I pray or the more I go to church, the more bad lucks come to me. I find no answer...no explanation...and every time it happens...I must admit that my faith is shaken to the core. I'm not one who is strong enough to keep holding on to a belief that one day it will all turn out good and everything has a well-intended meaning behind it. 

However, a few days ago I was reminded of a particular event that happened some months before. It was such a period. I went to church. I prayed. Then I got hit by so many terrible things in a row. I was so mad at God, I remember. But then, about one day after, a miracle happened. It was one of the most wonderful things I've been longing for. It happened so unexpectedly. And I was thinking at that time maybe all those difficult days are just what I needed to pass in order to receive such a special moment of happiness?  

The phrase "darkest hours before dawn" came to me twice last week. Part of me is thinking that if it really leads to that dream come true again then it might be worth it and things will make sense. However, that darkness, that suffering, can be so overwhelming and too hard to bear that it could turn me into monster, an angry monster that spit fire to everyone around me. Does God want that?  Does God really think that I would be able to go through such a terrible time and can still retain my faith and be a loving person until that moment of dream come true? I doubt it. I hope that God would understand that not all His people are strong and faithful like the saints. I am a particular weak one and if He sends me too much sufferings, I would just simply lose my faith. 

Secondly, not all such terrible periods in my life led to that kind of miracle. Some happened without any reason at all. Then how do I know if there will be anything worth waiting for at the end of the darkest hour?

Well, if looking at my life as a whole, I am currently in the darkest hours, really. I could only see awful fate waiting ahead if no miracle happens. No financial stability, no family of my own, no strength of mind. So the idea of the "the dawn" might seem like the only thing to hold on to, but...well....time will tell anyway. That's all I can tell myself right now.