A Truly Touching Performance...

Having been in quite a particularly long episode of chronic depression, part of my survival technique is to give myself simple things that it can enjoy  so I watched some singing performances from show like "The Voice Thailand" and went through the last year's show as well. Then I found this performance, singing by a transexual lady. It was a sad song. And the way she performed it, I could feel the sadness and suffering coming out of her soul. It flowed like a river and touched everyone's heart. A deep, deep sympathy occurred inside of me. I could never imagine what she went through in her life, as well as  the lives of millions women in the world who have received cruel treatment from men, terrible betrayal and severe heartache that almost drive them to insanity.My own pain would be so tiny comparing to theirs. I am one who is afraid to love wholeheartedly, always shielding myself inside the wall so that when the pain comes it will not be too overwhelming. Some women, when they love, they love with their whole heart and soul, they gave their everything. And when that love was trampled under someone's foot...I could not imagine the suffering inside their soul.

Then, I felt the light. Throughout yesterday and today, I didn't feel any light inside of me until that moment. It appeared inside my soul. It appeared because of that deep sympathy and because my soul prayed for this lady and those like hers all around the world.

I hate it when people try to counsel me with words like "hey, my pain is bigger than yours" or "hey, you are not the only one suffering so stop complaining." Yes, it may be true but it is a cruel thing to say to one who is in agony. You don't have to say it. It is better not to say it. But...an expression of real sadness, extreme sadness, can uplift another acheful heart...this is a strange way that the world works. But it's so true.


Many years ago, I wouldn't have imagined that one day I would be in a position that I wish some memory to be totally erased from my brain. The whole memory of something. For it is like a dark cancer inside of me, biting away everything. I need to treat them every now and them before it spread all over and bring myself to death.

I didn't imagine, either, that one day I would understand what is like...to totally wish that you had never known some people, wishing that you could go back to the day that you have never known them....

To really see, and feel, and understand (but not by being told or preached to) that there are many who also feel this suffering...is a comforting thought. 


I wasn't the only one touched by this performance. It was one of the winning performances of the night. It wasn't "the voice" that wins, but it was "the heart."

Click here if you want to see this performance.

A Poem of Misery

One good thing about pain and suffering is...they attract the muse of poetry. They guide your hand and your heart to write... write in order to survive.

Haven't written a poem for so many years, so glad that I can still do it.

*********************************************************************

Must survive the day
and the silence
and the aching of the heart
and the internal tears
(oh dear, they're not internal anymore

my cheek is wet.)

Must tell myself
to wait and wait
until my weak heart become stone
unti the tears turn into ice
until all the hopes and dreams
struggling to survive
like fishes in the net out of the sea
become totally dead and dried

illusion must die, illusion must die
there is no reason to stay
admit that life is a song of misery
and hopes are foolish as always.

Now get up, get up
for some people are not worthty enough
for you to care
they will never be there

But look around, look and see
you can make some other people
happy today.
Learn to never trust again
Learn from this betrayal and pain
But  remember also
that you must stick to your role
that you must keep the rule of gold
to continue loving
to continue giving
to continue living and breathing
For Someone is really waiting at the door
When the story ends
When the story ends

important questions to consider

 So far, after a few breaks from this current terrible period of depression, I think I need to consider these questions carefully.

1. What really makes life happy?

2. Is being happy is truly the goal of life? Or is it paying the debts and accepting the misery and expecting to be happy in the next life is truly the goal of life?

3. Is accepting that life is miserable the right way to live?

4. Are there any alternatives other than accepting the misery?

5. Are there ways to accept sufferings in life with peace in our heart? (very important)

6. Instead of accepting that life is suffering, can we believe instead that life is truly beautiful in every aspect if we know how to look at it?

7. Instead of accepting that life will always be full of sufferings, can we keep on believing that one day it will get better and we will be happy at last? Or is that a foolish wish?

I found that the path of Protestant Christianity and Catholic are different in this matter. And now I really want to find these answers out. It should be helpful in deciding what kind of life I want to live and what kind of view I should take for my life. And for question no.5, I think some Buddhism teachings might be needed.

The reason that number 5 is important is because...lately I think I can't escape sufferings. Some of them, I can accept with peace of mind, but some are just...unbearable. The second group of sufferings, I really need to find ways to deal with them, because I think that I am not any useful, whether to God or to other people, when my heart is down and depressed. I can remember that my prayer and my physical self worked more effectively for others when there is peace and joy inside my heart.

On my trip to Lourdes, I found moments when there was peace in my heart in the midst of sufferings. And I could feel that my prayer for others were effective in that moment. But now, here in my home land, in my same old life, there is another kind of suffering that I can't bear. It means that I can't find any peace or joy inside my heart. I almost can't pray or do my regular work. That's why I need to find peace inside of me while I'm taking these suffereings or otherwise I need to find ways to remove or transform these sufferings. I can't go on like this.

From my experience, there are those whose life are full of blessings. They have sufferings only from time to time. Their life are full of love and good deeds for others. Their life are full of joy and peace most of the time. These people believe that God meant for human to be happy, even right here on Earth. Life is full of God's love which are expressed in so many things surrounding us, in the joy of children's laughter, in the sunlight, in the love that we share with one another.

And there are those saints, their life are full of so much of extreme sufferings. They do it for penance, paying their own debts and the debts of sin for others. Some say that this is the best way to live. For you won't have to go purgatory afterward for you pay it all here in this life, and you can help a lot of suffering  souls. People who believe in this path seem to say...don't expect happiness on Earth. Expect it only after you die.

The question is....hmm...so which way is correct?

It is really confusing to me because so far...I have had experience when God answered me that both are correct!  But I just don't understand....

I wish someone would answer this post...all comments are welcomed. I'm at dead end.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One day has passed after the above was written, and I received an answer about something. God gave me a prove I can't deny that suffering in order to do penance for souls in purgatory is real. The prove was given directly to me as an experience and it was very clear. I also remember that another prove had already been given to me in Lourdes, and another one was given to me some months ago. Now I can't deny this truth and I want to be a witness of it for the Lord Jesus Christ and for the Catholic Church.

Now I just realize from experience that the Lord can take away or add pain / suffering into our body and mind any time that He wishes to. When it was too much to bear, He can remove all of the suffering inside of you in just an instance, like magic. When you want to do penance and ask to the Lord to let you have the chance to suffer, He gave it hard and long...and in a way that you know that it comes from God, not just your usual physical pain.


I realize now that I can only take some physical pain, not emotional one. People have different threshold for different kind of pain.