I notice that lately life has led me into situations that I have to deal with my fear and panic. One thing I learned was that the first time can be very horrible but the second time can get better, which means that it is better to keep trying to face the fear instead of always running away from it. However, I also learn that facing fears is easier if I am willing to. If I am forced to or being duped to, then the situation will feel even worse and all I want to do is running away.
I am afraid of needles but I want to donate blood, so I had to try twice because the first time I chickened out just before they were about to begin the needle process. I returned to the Red Cross building on the next day. Knowing what to expect can help a lot, and my own determination to do it helped me get through to the end. I was shaking, almost fainted, but still trying to smile through it all. But the most important thing was, no one forced me to do it. I really wanted to do it although I knew that I would suffer, because God told me in my heart one night to go there and do this. I think that was the most important thing.
I hate being in a formal meeting room or a luxurious restaurant with people that I do not know well. I hate long tables that face one another, which allow the people that sit in front of you to stare right at you the whole time. I hate that kind of situation very much. Then, yesterday I had to go to a seminar without knowing in advance that the room I would be entering would look like that. I imagined a small group with a casual atmosphere, and desks that face the front of the room. I was shocked, panic, and angry once I found out what kind of situation I was in. If I knew in advance, I would have had declined the invitiation, or at least I would have prepared myself better. I was thinking that I would leave right at the lunch break. However, the lecture turned out very interesting and I remembered that the night before, I did ask, and it seemed that God want me to go. So I decided to stay, facing an even bigger shock in the restaurant of the hotel, all tables are big full of strangers facing one another. I felt angry inside and I felt very pressured and panic. But fortunately the person sitting next to me was kind, so I got better after a while.
Next day, another small group discussion in a room less formal but with a U-shape meeting table. Oh, I hate it. But the fear seems to lessen down. The second time is always better. Some sharings in the group was meaningful and useful for me, although I don't like the atmosphere at all. So I decided that I might go back again, but it is just a...might or maybe.
In conclusion,I think the most important thing of fear facing is the willingness to do it, and the biggest obstacles are the anger and the unwillingness. "Why do I have to be here?! They fooled me to come here! There's nothing for me to do here!" Once this kind of thought got in, I would try to leave the situation almost immediately. But if somehow deep down in my heart I have a reason why I should go through such suffering and I am willing to do it, the fear seems to subside after a while.
Anyway.....I still don't like such situations and will not force myself to like it. The next time this group of people asked me to go anywhere, I would be sure to check whether I really want to do it, whether it is something that I really want to participate in. I don't think there is any reason to suffer for nothing. But if the the activity or the topic interests me or if it is something I can be useful or helpful, then I will prepare my mind before I go.
I hope there will be no more of fear-facing things coming ahead...but you never know what God has in stored. (Sigh!)
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