breaking yourself and sharing to others

A message that I received times and times again during Lent was that I should learn to love others, serve others, and work together peacefully with other human beings to bring Heaven on earth.

The moment that I saw Filipino people inside St.Joseph church in Hong Kong holding hand together during the "Our Father who are in Heaven" prayer, I felt an urge inside of me and some deep feeling spring from within that this is the most beautiful thing and this is what God want all of us, the people on earth, to do. We have to be one. We have to unite our hopes and dreams and prayers. I felt a call to step outside myself to really do it. But I know it is going to be hard because I have been living inside a hard shell.

Again, the message was sent after I went to the 2-day spiritual retreat in Bangkok right after my Hong Kong Trip. During personal reflection prayer with the Bible, God spoke to me about His great kindness as a Father, from the parable of the prodigal son, and about the message of Hope and how we should conduct ourselves with others from the chapter of the resurrection of Christ. (But I couldn't hear his voice at all during the comtemplation on the passage about His suffering.) The priest told us that since Christ break himself and give pieces of himself to all of us. We should do the same. We should allow ourselves (ego) to be broken so tha we can share a part of us with others. After resurrection, Jesus granted peace to his disciples, he taught, he gave them bread and fish, and he gave consolation. We should also follow his example.

Another message came after I arrived home and found a DVD of award-winning Hong Kong movie called "A Simple Life." The life of the old servant was such a wonderful example of how one's whole life is lived in love and services of others. This lady didn't want anything much for herself. She just loved and gave and gave all through her life, although the film didn't give us any flashback on what she did. But the way the others treated her in return was a proof that her life had been spent in a totally unselfish way. I really respect her spirit. I wish that I could be humble, modest, gentle, and kind just like that. Meekness is a sign of a great soul. And the world is such an ironic place, because great souls are usually found in the smallest and the least significant positions in the society. All my academics success and any talent or ability that I have is nothing compare to such an ability to break oneself and give it away to God by serving others endlessly.

Traveling with God to Hong Kong

Before my 3 days 2 nights Hong Kong trip, I prayed to God to that He would accompany me all through it. Praise be to Him, that was exactly what He did.

Since the first day, I learned that I should recognize His sign about where to go and not to go. If I was stubborn to go on my way, follow my own plan, I would most likely end up in disappointing places (like Victoria Peak, spending 3 hours for the queue + the traveling up just to discover that there was a big mall and expensive café on it! And the view up there was not that grand or impressive at night. The zoological and botanical garden wasn’t that impressive, either. It was fine but it has nothing unique, just a park with some plants and animals just like other parks that I had visited in other countries). That first day’s mistake was a great lesson for the other two days. I learned that when God wanted me to go somewhere for sightseeing, He would provide ways and conveniences. Everything would flow so smoothly with all the necessary help. Things would be so easy to find. But if He didn’t want me to go, I would be circling around but couldn’t find my way, and the help from asking other people would be useless. On day 2 and 3, I learned to recognize the signs (but not without mistakes) and I felt so blessed.  There were times when He wanted me to stop all the sightseeing and went straight back to my room and pray. And when I obeyed, I was really blessed.
Going to church was a different lesson. I went to mass everyday when I was there. I couldn’t use the right signs-wrong signs technique, because going to church was something I already know that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes obstacles would be placed on my way toward mass. I would be sweating, having leg aches, and getting so exhausted finding my way there. But when I arrived, I was really blessed too. And I learned that the little suffering that came my way was His gift, so that I could suffer with Him a bit during Lent. I could offer up all of my physical pain to Him.  I went to St. Joseph church twice on this trip, and both times I was blessed with His presence. I went to St. Francis of Assisi church twice, too. And I was blessed because Mother Mary would wake me up in the morning with her song just in time to prepare myself and I would be given the enjoyment of the morning stroll in such a very peaceful area, watching Hong Kong people having their morning routine. 

Since I was traveling during Lent, I had to keep my promise not to eat or drink more than the regular meals, no snacks or favorite drink. But Hong Kong was a great place of temptation of this sort. Markets and food places are abound and you could spend hours walking around one area, seeing this and that or wanting to taste this or drink that. I admitted I slipped a bit, but most of the time I tried my best most of the time to drink and eat just enough to go on with my day, and not to order too much in restaurants. I learned that God didn’t allow me to look for any famous food places or eateries I saw in the guidebook. I had to eat at the place His spirit led me and I would be blessed. I know this may sound really crazy and some people would say it’s all in my mind, but deep inside I knew that I did the right thing when I obeyed and I was blessed with many good food at inexpensive prices.  

Another thing I learned was that the most precious thing could be so near. I don’t have to go a far distance for it. The most interesting sightseeing on this trip was the Mei Ho House heritage museum at my youth hostel. I felt so touched and impressed by the fighting spirit of some Hong Kong people in the past who suffered from the Great Fire and had to rebuild their lives all over again. It was just right inside the next building, ten steps from the hostel door. And it was free!
I also learned that when God allowed or granted me something as a blessing, although it may sound like an unreasonable request, He would show great kindness by allowing me to have them all so easily and I would have enough time for everything else that I have to do. On the last day, just before going to the airport, God was so kind to give me everything that I asked for and I still made it to the airport in time. 

And at night, my sleep sometimes would contain His message. And when I asked Him through the Bible, I was able to understand what He told me. God was really there on my trip and I had nothing to say but forever grateful to Him. The good experience that I had wasn’t at all my doing, but it was His kindness to grant my wish. And I believe that it was by the prayed of the Carmel nuns and some other people who prayed for me about this trip. 

Now…I have to confess. There was darkness on the trip. It had nothing to do with me walking around Hong Kong by myself. It was the great pain and disappointment that I felt when the person who told me that he would accompany me on my flight to and back from Hong King turned out to bring a friend whom I don’t even know and left me waiting at the airport for a long time without showing up. It was the hardest for me on the way back. I just couldn’t find the reason why he did that to me. If I didn’t want to have his company on the airport and on the flight, I wouldn’t have decided to travel this month. I would have chosen another month and kept these 3 days to my regular writing trip in Thailand. He was the one asking me if I wanted to join him during the flight and I was stupid enough to believe that he meant it.

Oh well, actually it was the spiritual wound inside my heart that hurt me. I shouldn’t blame another person. Each one of us has a dark matter or an unhealed / unresolved issue hidden within, and this is mine. To tell the truth, I was preparing my mind to be so nice to the person no matter what happened or even if he didn’t show up, but at the end I couldn’t do it. The pain was too much to bear. The old wound inside was open and kept on bleeding tears and blood and I had to pray all the time during my flight back just to keep myself together. I ended up pouring all my anger on the phone to my best friend. This big stumble destroyed the blessings inside of me that received while I was in Hong Kong. Thanks god, it was cleared away after I did the confession on Sunday, but I must say that it is still an unresolved issue. Only God can help me. Even today I still have to pray that God would protect me from bitterness when I see this person again. I really want to love him with a heart open and free like the sky, but I really can’t when something is not yet healed in my spirit.

Social Phobia

It is not something easy to tell or explain to others. But people really wear me out, naturally. I don't have anything against anyone, I really mean well to all and wish everyone to be happy. It's just that in a situation when I have to be around four or more acquaintances, I would feel stressed or even panic. And sometimes I feel depressed when I come home after a whole day full of social situations. I used to call them "the difficult days" the ones that I have to bite my lips to go through. When they come with time for me to prepare myself, mostly I made it through somehow, though weary. But when they come unexpectedly, oh God, I go crazy because they really torture me!

The night before, God gave me a command: to fix this problem. To build a network.

Well, after the Facebook addiction problem seemed to fade, with I ended up check it once a week, more problems come in for me to fix. I guess this is what  they call "spritual sickness." Something is wrong inside of me, not the body, but the mind. I need some sort of spiritual medicine, exercise, and maybe surgery. Or maybe simple  psycho therapy sessions would do?

I still don't know how to get the problem fixed . All that I can do is just forcing myself to go through type of situation that I hate. But I still don't want any surprises, any shocking surprises. Like, walking into a room, expecting a casual atmosphere, but then see a whole formal seminar room with meeting table, microphones, and a bunch of strangers. Like, someone I know say "do you want a ride with me to go to this beautiful sanctuary" and I say yes, but then it isn't just me and the person I know, but the other total strangers cramp into that car, and then on the way the whole group (except me) decide...let's go eat inside a fancy restaurant. OH MANNNN! I did went crazy on that day. I felt like I was being forced to be there. I have nothing to do with anyone and I was in a non-sociable mood and why do I have to sit here forcing myself to talk to strangers! I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and made some soundless scream and asked God to help me. Otherwise I might ended up walking off from that restaurant and call a taxi home. Or just sit there grumpily and eat nothing.

Today, another social event. Fortunately I went to one of this last year so I know what to expect. A lot of people are there but the situation didn't force me to know everyone. The seats didn't face one another. Just a normal church. Nevertheless,  I still had to force myself to greet the people that I already know (but not close) because it was the right thing to do and because I wanted them to know that I acknowledge their presence, that I love them all (I really do, I mean it).  There were many of them and that really wore me out, I don't know why. I was gradually stressed out and at the end of the day I felt really tired and sad somehow. Thank God, my godmother and her sister sat with me the whole time and I felt a little more safe. At least someone to cling to. The last scary time, the formal seminar room, I had to cling to a lady who was almost a stranger to me. (Thank God she was kind and now I feel more comfortable around her.)

I know this is wrong. This is a problem. This has to be fixed. But how? Well, someone told me "you have to stop being self-conscious" Alright, yes, but how? "You have to learn to connect and live sociably with the community." and blah blah blah! You can say all things but none of what you say is going to help me.

Nothing can help me much in this kind of situation, except GRACE. When God blessed me with some lightness of the spirit, I would feel a lot of love in my heart and I want to share to everyone. Only with God's grace, I can smile and be really happy by the presence of several others that share a meal table with me. Only on days like that...I can pass through scary situations so smoothly and joyfully. Only God's grace can help me overcome myself and pay attention to others and love them in the present moment.

God kindly blessed me with this lightness of spirit during the two wedding ceremonies that I was invited to. I didn't feel sad like some young singles women there did. (Maybe it was because marriage and family life is not what I want anymore, really.) I didn't feel so agitated or nervous that much. I was glad to be there and see the happy face of the bride and enjoyed the company of relatives. That was really strange. The situation was an extreme difficult one for me, but when God was there, everything went smoothly.  

But God's grace doesn't come everyday. So for now, please , no shocking situation.