The night before, God gave me a command: to fix this problem. To build a network.
Well, after the Facebook addiction problem seemed to fade, with I ended up check it once a week, more problems come in for me to fix. I guess this is what they call "spritual sickness." Something is wrong inside of me, not the body, but the mind. I need some sort of spiritual medicine, exercise, and maybe surgery. Or maybe simple psycho therapy sessions would do?
I still don't know how to get the problem fixed . All that I can do is just forcing myself to go through type of situation that I hate. But I still don't want any surprises, any shocking surprises. Like, walking into a room, expecting a casual atmosphere, but then see a whole formal seminar room with meeting table, microphones, and a bunch of strangers. Like, someone I know say "do you want a ride with me to go to this beautiful sanctuary" and I say yes, but then it isn't just me and the person I know, but the other total strangers cramp into that car, and then on the way the whole group (except me) decide...let's go eat inside a fancy restaurant. OH MANNNN! I did went crazy on that day. I felt like I was being forced to be there. I have nothing to do with anyone and I was in a non-sociable mood and why do I have to sit here forcing myself to talk to strangers! I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and made some soundless scream and asked God to help me. Otherwise I might ended up walking off from that restaurant and call a taxi home. Or just sit there grumpily and eat nothing.
Today, another social event. Fortunately I went to one of this last year so I know what to expect. A lot of people are there but the situation didn't force me to know everyone. The seats didn't face one another. Just a normal church. Nevertheless, I still had to force myself to greet the people that I already know (but not close) because it was the right thing to do and because I wanted them to know that I acknowledge their presence, that I love them all (I really do, I mean it). There were many of them and that really wore me out, I don't know why. I was gradually stressed out and at the end of the day I felt really tired and sad somehow. Thank God, my godmother and her sister sat with me the whole time and I felt a little more safe. At least someone to cling to. The last scary time, the formal seminar room, I had to cling to a lady who was almost a stranger to me. (Thank God she was kind and now I feel more comfortable around her.)
I know this is wrong. This is a problem. This has to be fixed. But how? Well, someone told me "you have to stop being self-conscious" Alright, yes, but how? "You have to learn to connect and live sociably with the community." and blah blah blah! You can say all things but none of what you say is going to help me.
Nothing can help me much in this kind of situation, except GRACE. When God blessed me with some lightness of the spirit, I would feel a lot of love in my heart and I want to share to everyone. Only with God's grace, I can smile and be really happy by the presence of several others that share a meal table with me. Only on days like that...I can pass through scary situations so smoothly and joyfully. Only God's grace can help me overcome myself and pay attention to others and love them in the present moment.
God kindly blessed me with this lightness of spirit during the two wedding ceremonies that I was invited to. I didn't feel sad like some young singles women there did. (Maybe it was because marriage and family life is not what I want anymore, really.) I didn't feel so agitated or nervous that much. I was glad to be there and see the happy face of the bride and enjoyed the company of relatives. That was really strange. The situation was an extreme difficult one for me, but when God was there, everything went smoothly.
But God's grace doesn't come everyday. So for now, please , no shocking situation.
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