Glimpses of Heaven in a Song

 The night has been unpeaceful, filled with racing thoughts and worries. It is not an unusual torment, but it still makes me feel tired and depressed and gloomy. To find a way to soothe my pain, I thought of this song "Deep Peace" or Gaelic Blessing by John Rutter, the version sung by the heavenly boy choir "Libera".  I turned the music on and my eyes filled with tears again. 

There is a small peace of Heaven hidden in this song, in both the music and the lyrics. While I was listening to it my mind could imagine a land so free from pain and misery. Then I thought how wonderful it is that I don't have to live on the Earth forever. I could not wait to leave this heavy body and go flying. If God would still be merciful and keep His promise about going to Heaven through Jesus...I mean. I probably can't get there through any other ways at such a low state of spirit. 

My music teacher used to say that actually music contains colors, if you really listen you see those colors. I couldn't agree more. This song "Deep Peace" contains so much light...bright and beautiful white light. It is truly a blessing to the ears, to the heart, to the weary spirit of mine. 

One day in the future, if someone would be kind enough to play a song at my funeral...I wish it would be this song. 

The Four-Leaf Clover Lesson

 

One autumn afternoon, about 30 years ago, I was beside a small church in the United States, somewhat similar to the picture above. The area look pleasant and refreshing with grass, plants and trees around, so I took a walk just to relax. Then I began to realize that I am in the field of clovers. A lot of these pretty green plants are everywhere on the ground. Then I remember that someone told me if you find four-leaf clover you are very lucky and you can make a wish. So I began to diligently look for one. I walked here, I walked there, I looked and looked and looked....but all that I saw were the regular three-leaf ones. After some time passed, I grew tired and gave up, thinking that...well...it's a rare thing to find and I might not be the lucky one. "That's ok" I told myself, "I'll sit and rest and enjoy this pretty atmosphere." And I did just that. I sat there in the middle of the field and just enjoyed the moments of peace. After several minutes, ready to go home, I got up...and...right there between my two feet was a four-leaf clover!

I was so excited and happy, I picked it up and made a wish right there. If you ask me if my wish had come true, the answer is....partly yes and partly no. The wish was one of the most important dreams of my life it still is even now. Part of it had already come true...but not whole. I'm still waiting for the complete dream come true. 

It might sound like a small incident but I never forgot that day. What I learned was that if I intentionally look, I might not find it no matter how hard I tried. But if I just let myself be peaceful and stay with the moment, it will appear to me. 

The same message came to me again about 4 years ago, at a serene seaside town in Thailand. I was having my usual three-night holiday of the month and I was traveling by myself. I heard that one can see the sunrise from the bay so I tried so hard to get up and take some pictures of the sunrise, and I was able to get up early at dawn (that's already a miracle in itself, actually.) and walked to the beach. It was not even six o'clock yet. The sky was cloudy and the sun could not be seen. I waited there for a while. The sky had some lights in it already, but still, I could not see the sun. It was probably hidden behind some thick clouds. I felt a bit sad but then I said to myself, "That's ok. You've tried, let's just go walk along the beach and enjoyed the atmosphere." So I did just that. During my walk I saw that there were many large pieces of garbage on the beach and a thought popped up in my head that if I picked them up, I would be doing a good thing to the Earth, a good deed for this trip. I began to picked up a lot of garbage from the beach for several minutes until I sweated. I felt so good of myself. Then...after picking up the last one, I stood up, turned to the sea, and the most beautiful sunrise was in front of me! 

I took several pictures of the sunrise. (They were more beautiful than the picture above but they were trapped inside a broken phone of mine.) The message that came to me on that day was quite similar to the message on the day that I found the four-leaf clover. Just keep doing the good things, don't try to look for it, and you will find just what you are looking for. 

This message came to me again, just some minutes ago. Last night I was looking for this one picture I collected from the net. The folder was full of so many, many pictures but I am usually able to find what I look for. However, I looked and looked and looked over and over again but I could not find that one particular picture. So I thought to myself, "That's ok. I probably deleted it and I didn't remember." And today, just when I am making this post and was looking for another picture in the same folder, the one I looked for last night appear! It was right there, so easily to be seen, while last night I could not see it at all no matter how hard I tried. It was almost like a confirmation that the message I am writing about is still something that I should keep in mind. 

If you look for that very dream of yours to come true but it's just not there, stop looking or waiting. It will come to you when it's time. 

PS. So far, all the pictures on my blog are not mine. They are from the net. Thank you to the owners for sharing them. 

Small conscious moments and little steps

 

If you ever had a period of time in your life when getting up and taking a shower is already a great triumph, then you probably understand the meaning of little steps and small conscious moments.

I have read so much about being in the present. Buddhism teaches it and many other philosophical and psychological principles talk about it. The idea seems to be popular these days. But to believe in something, it must work in your life, so for a long time I wasn't really interested in being "in the present" because it did not relate to a dreamer type and a worry ward like me who is often deep in thoughts about the past and the future. Somehow the present was not so interesting. But all along I do believe there is truth in it, at least in the fact that "the present" is the only time where you can really do something. You can't change the past, you can't see the future, but you can give yourself a good future by doing the right things in the present. That always makes sense to me. 

Thinking back to what I have heard and have read, there are also deeper versions about the idea of being in the present. For example, time on Earth is made of very tiny moments connected in a long, long thread. They are so connected that we don't feel each one separately. Still, everyone can only live moment by moment because that's the way time is. 

Another deeper idea is that staying in the present moment completely can almost be like a shelter for your spirit.  When the world outside is a turmoil, come to the center of your being, come to the very present moment. Now, that's something for experienced monks and saints,  I guess. The only thing I can relate to is the peacefulness of being in the presence when I went to a meditation course and practice meditative walking and breathing meditation. I started to notice those small moments. It gave me a strange kind of peace. 

But the COVID-19 hit and my meditation courses disappeared into thin air. They never arranged such courses again. It's a sad thing indeed because I meditate best in courses for Christian and Catholic, it is easier to practice it with the blessings of the Lord and with a kind, patient and understanding teacher. A long meditation course in Vipassana, like 10 days with my phone being seized, sleeping in rough hard bed, and practicing like 10 hours a day or more...just too much for me. I loved my small one day course with the Catholic Church, but sadly....there is no more.

Anyway, since I have not meditated for years and years, my mind is a mess. Nevertheless, recently there have been moments when I decided to move and do ordinary things like pulling a tissue, closing a bag, or picking up something by being very conscious with each moment. Surprisingly, doing so somehow makes me happy.  I started to enjoy those moments. It is really like a shelter. I am not thinking about the past and the future or another fantasy world. I was just there at the "present" moment. It feels  gentle to my soul. 

Unfortunately, those moments are few. Mostly I am just one who is pathetically deep in thoughts or daydreaming. Being mindful is something so far from my character. 

Still, I think the joy I discover during those small moments when I consciously move or do something will lead me back to "being in the present time again and again,....hopefully.

All Things, All People, Subject to Change

                                              (Photo is from Internet. I do not own the credit)

Today is the end of New Year Day. It's funny how so many feelings can happen in one single day, but too bad that at the end of it...the same melancholy. 

I grew up a Buddhist and was taught three truths about existance...one of them is that everything on earth is always changing, nothing stays the same. Knowing the fact and accepting it as the truth, however, is not the same as being able to face it without pain. 

The only truly lucky aspect of my life has always been friendship. Other people may hurt me but my friends have been mostly understanding and never left me in my darkest hours. Still, even that, I know, may not last for the whole of my lifetime. People change. Best friends that once you can wholeheartedly trust may not be the same anymore. And you might not be able to to trust them in the same way or love them at the same level. It is so sad. But I think that is what happening right now. 

Fortunately, I've been telling myself to be prepared for such heartaches and not to think they will remain the same forever, so when this betrayal happened, it's just sad...but not that shocking. 

Just simply another factor that might make my death becomes an easier choice, she will not be that hurt by my departure, maybe. And if I really have no one left in this life and find no one new to be my family, the decision to die is will become even easier. Among all the sufferings on Earth, loneliness is a masterful slow killer, so I prefer go with quick death rather than slow death.

It's not that she abandons me or anything. It's just that she doesn't trust me the same anymore, I guess. She acts in a way that I don't understand, building a wall that I've never seen between us before, treating me "almost" the same, but not the same. She probably talks about me behind my back...

But I can never hate my friend. I'm just sad. The good things she has done for me in this life is too precious for me to hate her, the memory in the long past has been too beautiful. Our friendship has been too long and I should be thankful, at least for the good times. I guess I'll just accept the fact of her change, of her betrayal, as a the truth of life. I'll just simply tell myself not to rely on her much or trust her too deep, I think I'll have that space...that wall...so that I won't get hurt in the future. I'll still be a good friend. Will do my job as a good friend, still. But I will protect my heart within that wall. I can't stop my tears, but...that's the way it goes, that's the way ordinary people feel when you find that the person you trust the most....has changed. 

I hate it when the meaning of my symbolic dream comes true. That's why it's the one of the most problematic kind of nightmare. I have had the symbol of this about her in my dream just a few nights before. A symbol that says...she is acting, pretending, After the dream, we talked on the phone and it seemed as if that the dream was just nonsense, but after spending those two days and one night together. I know now...things have changed between us. 

All things are subject to change. So it is not impossible that one day I might end up being alone without all the friends I used to trust. But in effort to be as optimistic as I can for the sake of New Year Day, maybe one day I might find a new person that I can really trust, maybe life can change in a beautiful way. I don't feel that I really believe that...but they said a mustard seed of faith is enough, right?

Do I have faith as much as a mustard seed? I don't know, really.