(Photo is from Internet. I do not own the credit)
Today is the end of New Year Day. It's funny how so many feelings can happen in one single day, but too bad that at the end of it...the same melancholy.
I grew up a Buddhist and was taught three truths about existance...one of them is that everything on earth is always changing, nothing stays the same. Knowing the fact and accepting it as the truth, however, is not the same as being able to face it without pain.
The only truly lucky aspect of my life has always been friendship. Other people may hurt me but my friends have been mostly understanding and never left me in my darkest hours. Still, even that, I know, may not last for the whole of my lifetime. People change. Best friends that once you can wholeheartedly trust may not be the same anymore. And you might not be able to to trust them in the same way or love them at the same level. It is so sad. But I think that is what happening right now.
Fortunately, I've been telling myself to be prepared for such heartaches and not to think they will remain the same forever, so when this betrayal happened, it's just sad...but not that shocking.
Just simply another factor that might make my death becomes an easier choice, she will not be that hurt by my departure, maybe. And if I really have no one left in this life and find no one new to be my family, the decision to die is will become even easier. Among all the sufferings on Earth, loneliness is a masterful slow killer, so I prefer go with quick death rather than slow death.
It's not that she abandons me or anything. It's just that she doesn't trust me the same anymore, I guess. She acts in a way that I don't understand, building a wall that I've never seen between us before, treating me "almost" the same, but not the same. She probably talks about me behind my back...
But I can never hate my friend. I'm just sad. The good things she has done for me in this life is too precious for me to hate her, the memory in the long past has been too beautiful. Our friendship has been too long and I should be thankful, at least for the good times. I guess I'll just accept the fact of her change, of her betrayal, as a the truth of life. I'll just simply tell myself not to rely on her much or trust her too deep, I think I'll have that space...that wall...so that I won't get hurt in the future. I'll still be a good friend. Will do my job as a good friend, still. But I will protect my heart within that wall. I can't stop my tears, but...that's the way it goes, that's the way ordinary people feel when you find that the person you trust the most....has changed.
I hate it when the meaning of my symbolic dream comes true. That's why it's the one of the most problematic kind of nightmare. I have had the symbol of this about her in my dream just a few nights before. A symbol that says...she is acting, pretending, After the dream, we talked on the phone and it seemed as if that the dream was just nonsense, but after spending those two days and one night together. I know now...things have changed between us.
All things are subject to change. So it is not impossible that one day I might end up being alone without all the friends I used to trust. But in effort to be as optimistic as I can for the sake of New Year Day, maybe one day I might find a new person that I can really trust, maybe life can change in a beautiful way. I don't feel that I really believe that...but they said a mustard seed of faith is enough, right?
Do I have faith as much as a mustard seed? I don't know, really.
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