Rest in Peace, my beloved King

Since I was a child, I have heard my parents and everyone around me talk about the great King, our beloved "Nai Luang." As I grew up, I read and watched so many stories about him, about how he had labored all through his life for the well-being of his people, about the great talents and intelligence he had and how he always used them for the good of the people. I also heard about how humble he lived. How he never throw away things after they are broken. He always got them repaired  although he had plenty of money to buy new ones. He never lived luxuriously or waste money on any extravagance although he was a king. I heard about how he went through difficulties travelling to those small villages in remote area and did many things to help the people there to have better lives. I heve heard about how he stay up late at night to get the projects for his people done, how he sent urgent help right away, before anyone, to those who were hit by disasters. All through my life, the King of Thailand always did something for his people, never for himself.

I have also read his words that he tried to teach his people how to be true human being, The more I grow up, the more I could see how precious his speeches and his teachings are, and how he always be a model of what he teaches others. His simple and beautiful words always teach us to be good, to be useful for others, to be kind and generous, to live simply, to be responsible in our duties, to never give up when faced with obstacles, etc. All the things he teach us to do and to be, he could really do and he could really be. He has all those qualities within himself. My beloved King is truly one of the greatest person on earth. And I want to say it out of the bottom of my heart that I am lucky to have been born under his reign, to know what a truly great king is like and  to know what is like to have loyalty for a King. And now that he passed away, I felt an urge in my heart to be loyal to my own country and to do things for the sake of others, just to honor him,,,my beloved king.

Think about it...King Bhumibol lived his life exactly the way Jesus teaches us to live.

Now I understand why on that day....God used the King of Thailand as a symbol in my dream.
Before I became a true believer, when I was just beginning to know God, I didn't understand why Jesus could die on the cross and forgive sins of others. I just simply didn't get the idea, didn't understand how it could possibly happen that way. So I prayed to God...I didn't understand the matter of Jesus dying on the cross to forgive sins...I didn't understand, dear God...can you help me to understand.

And that very night, I had this dream. I saw King Bhumibol sitting near a window. He looked out the window and was so sad to see his people being plagued with so many diseases, so he decided to receive the diseases of his people onto his own body. I saw the King's body covered with terrible wound and scars and in my dream I understood that he want to receive that pain because he loves his people so much.

When I woke up, I understood right away, that this symbolic dream is the answer to my prayer. This is how God explains to me the matter of Jesus dying on the cross to forgive our sins.

And God uses King Bhumibol as the symbol of Jesus in my dream...because he's truly the greatest King.

Rest in Peace...my beloved King. Although I'm so sad that our country has lost you but I'm also glad that you are in Heaven now, after all the labor, after all the pain...

I promise that the little light that I have in this simple lowly heart, I will try to make it shine...for others and for this land.

This One For You...Mother Mary

For a Christian converted to Catholic, it is not easy to have much belief or much faith on Virgin Mary. Nevertheless, I have found my peace on this matter and I've come to love her quite a lot.
I should have written this post a long time ago in honor of her.

I discover that we can't use reasons or information to believe in someone unseen or invisible like God, Jesus, or Mother Mary, it has to come by experience only. Books and stories about Virgin Mary in details doesn't help me to believe at all, but now I love her because she shows me that she loves me and she is there to help. And I slowly feel her presence or existence in my life by the following:

- She answered my petitions. I don't pray to her to grant me things because I  believe that's what God and Jesus do, but I believe that she can send out her special prayer for us, like all the saints, but much much more. I do ask her to pray for me sometimes, particularly on feminine matter and small little things that women care about. I also ask her on relationship.

-When I was attacked by dark spirit, many times I heard Mother Mary songs in my head and felt that she comes to help and once I heard the deepest of me praying the rosary automatically while I was in deep spiritual trouble. Once, the demon got me in the throat and I couldn't breath. I prayed the rosary prayer and the problem at my throat disappeared at that moment.

-I had a dream that a just-pass-away person whom I know come to tell me that "if you need anything, ask Mother Mary. She'll help" And that was when I was about to translate books about her.

-I remember standing in front of her smiling statue and found the peace inside, since when I had no knowledge about her at all, even before I become a Catholic.

I just want to write this post down to honor her, because I used to plunged into a confusion and disbelief because there was a lot of information out there that I used to read about "the cult of Virgin Mary" and how it is a false belief. Those information got in my head a lot and I had a hard time for a period.

Well, to speak the truth, I don't really know how much the details of those Virgin Mary books are true about her. But it doesn't matter. I can learn all about it after I die. I don't know everything now on Earth. What I need to know I already know, Mother Mary is there and she loves me and she helps me.


Thank you...Thank you so much. I love you too, Mother Mary.

My Problem About "Carrying the Cross"

I read something and it says that if you willingly accept the cross, there will be the light of the Lord accompanying you along the way, so I do an experiment tonight.

I said 'Yes' to it, and in the beginning it was good. There seem to be some strength to carry on with my duties. But then, after a while, it's gone. All that is left for me is just sadness and fear.

There is a specific matter that I kept asking the Lord not to put the cross on me, because it hurts too much. The problem about it is that every time it happens, I'm starting to lose the faith, I fell down into the deep depression. The problem about it is that it always happen either before or after days that I receive spiritual blessing or plan to or try to. After it happened, my faith would be terribly destroyed. The problem about it is I see no lights after carrying this specific cross. Just more and more darkness and fear. Less and less faith.

The hurt caused to me from a specific person has terrible effect on my mental health. But what's worse about it is the hatred of myself and the doubt that I have toward the Lord more and more whenever this specific suffering happens.

I know that life can't be without sufferings. Never expect mine to be without them. But there is a specific matter that I wish the Lord would be kind to spare me from, I wish that the yoke on this one would be softer. I heard that the Lord won't give you too much to carry, but whenever this one happen, I have more and more doubt about that verse in the Bible. I know that my ordeal and suffering are much less in magnitude when compared to that of some other people, but I am particularly very weak in some specific spots in my heart, and this suffering keeps strumming on that pain. And I see no good in it...no...

So far, the result of the experiment that I tried tonight is that there "seem to be" some light in the beginning and then it's gone.

This event of suffering, resulting from my fault and I admitted it, but it was an accident and I already asked the Lord to forgive me, and I already said sorry to the person being harmed but it seemed that the person  intentionally did something to hurt me and refused to hear my apology.

The same vicious cycle is about to begin...

The fear and anxiety, and the heaviness and pain in the chest and the stomach, the dreadful hours before an important event I plan to make some effort for my spirituality, destroying my hope and faith and my desire to do anything good for my spirituality. The depression...The desire to die...

I think if there is no change by tomorrow. I'm gonna let the Devil win....again...

I'm gonna care nothing about the spiritual event that I am about to join, unless something would happen to revive my faith tomorrow.

I'm gonna be asking and praying the thing that Christian not suppose to do, I think  I have to....

"Take this cross away from me. Take this cross away from me."
without the ending part, "Yet thy will be done"

At least, there was a moment I did try, but I don't know whether it matters. This suffering does me no good so far,,,,the light and the strength are all gone. The negative thoughts crowded my head and the pain in my chest would prevent me from sleeping without a sleeping pill tonight.

The only positive thought I can have now is....at least there is that pill.

How can you tell me you're lonely and say for you the sunshine don't shine?

Today is another bad day. That's what I thought. I woke up depressed and the mood went on for more than half a day. There were troubles here and there all through the day.

But then, I found this song on Youtube, an old folk song that I used to listen to when I was young.
I watched and I cried and thought how far I am from being totally alone and deprived of all the good things.

I know that I won't be able to do much good to the world, if I can't find peace within myself. As long as I can't find that "water" that Jesus talked about, the water once drink, and you won't be thirst again, then I won't have a lot of peace and a lot of love to share to others. I still have a hard time trying to connect to the Lord, deep within me. If I found that deep peace, then my mission to the world might begin. If not, then I would have to continue being depressed and anxious with all the problems centering on myself and my life, instead of reaching out to others.

But tonight I found that my dreams don't die. They are just asleep. I dream that one day I could be one human being that make this world a little better place for the poor and lonely on the streets, and be someone who has a part in creating peace and harmony among the people in this world, creating the Kingdom of the Lord right here on Earth.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta's book used to touch me deeply. But I just know that the first thing I need to do now is not going out there and trying to become a volunteer by my own effort. I felt a call that I need to find this peace within me somehow, before I can start doing anything good.

It's just a dream, anyway. (Sigh)

Beware of This Movie; The Devil Wants You to Believe It Doesn't Exist

A movie can be a powerful way to send message to people. In our world full of media, we should be careful what we take in and how much we should believe it. And in my opinion, this movie is very powerful in sending the "wrong" message.

It is truly and engaging film and keep the audience stick to the screen, well-done in terms of quality of the making. I have to admit that I was drawn into it for almost the whole time. But then the twist at the end makes me realize....oh this movie is from the dark side. It just simply want to tell people that...don't worry...there's no such thing like ritual abuse or satanic worship. People make it up. The Survivors make it up. They are crazy or they have hidden agenda. This is a very dangerous message because these things are real. It happens more and more often these days. There are cases that people are killed and tortured because of satanic worship. There are evidences out there if one truly wants to do a research on it.

Moreover, they try to present God and Church as unbelievable and not trustworthy. Church was presented as a place where bad people can hide and continue their lies. The only pastor presented in this film look really unloving, stern and annoying, as if intended to make people get bad impression on pastors and priests. And in the ending,  the Bible and the cross, are thrown away or ignored by the main character. They were given to him as a protection but then the film makes the audience feel that it's all a lie, so it is actually speaking what Christian people believe about the Bible and the power of the Cross is a lie too. Very dangerous message indeed.

I must say that the film maker (director) does get a talent in producing such an engrossing thrilling film. But it's just sad that such a talent is used in sending this terrible message to people.

If you want to know more about satanic ritual abuse cases or find evidence about it, you can start with the website in the URL below and continue from there. It is truly one of the most horrible thing that human can ever done to other human being...and it is REAL. It exists. Heaven is a place of pure goodness and beauty. Hell is a place of pure darkness and horror. Satan is trying to make our earth be as close to Hell as possible. And we can't be blind to that.

May this post be written for the sake of Our Lord Jesus Christ, our true Salvation. Amen.

https://survivorship.org/ritual-abuse-evidence/

Why We Should Not Boast

It takes me so many years before I can really understand the reason why God tell us not to boast. I heard sayings like accomplishment speaks for itself, so do not boast. But it's not easy to understand why boasting is bad. What's wrong with telling others about your accomplishment when it is a reality? This used to be my question. But now I got the answer.

Often, during the time that I was depressed, heart-broken, and quite hopeless about life,  I overheard someone speaking so happily about how lucky he or she had been about love, about life. It cut like a knife. I felt like I wanted to shut my ear and scream. Sometimes it caused jealousy to happen inside. Sometimes it didn't but it made me sad anyway. Then I remember going to funeral or wedding when I had to sit at a table where people were boasting to each other  about how cool their new car was or how brilliant their future plan was going to be. They were really "boasting", it's not just their words alone. They were laughing and speaking through their eyes...see how great my life is? see how successful I am? My life is happier than yours. It was such a pain sitting at a table with them. It was like sitting with a bunch of devils who try to put people down by stamping on them with boastful words. And I remember one of my best friends saying "you know, I really can't stand people who talk like they think they are superior than everyone."

Nobody wants to be reminded of what they lack or what they have lost or what they have failed or they want but never get a chance to have. And when we boast, it's like we do just that...we remind them that they don't have what we have. We may not have the intention to hurt them but we hurt them anyway.

Now I look back and regret the times when I boasted about my success, my life, my trip, my love...etc. I thought I didn't do anything wrong but I wasn't thinking about how what I said might affect those who hear it. Now I think it's wiser to keep my happiness inside and act humbly in front of others. It's not an easy thing to do but I'm trying anyway. I admit that I'm not good at being humble at all because my heart can be hard and unbending at times and I'm a natural-born Leo. But at least I see now why I should try that.

If there is anything boastful in this blog, please forgive me and know that I didn't intentionally do it.

PS. The picture is from the internet. It's not mine.

Kindness of a Tree

Picture source : http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3069532/Hugging-trees-cures-cancer.html

I want to share this experience.  One day, after a quarrel, I had been crying. Although we already reconciled but I still felt depleted. The area was a green place with body of water,  plants and big trees. It was a very peaceful atmosphere and I felt some healing energy around. I am currently  translating Pranic Healing Book. It includes a part that says human can absorb pranic energy or life energy from trees. So I decided to try absorbing some energy from a large tree nearby. I asked permission from the tree to absorb its excess of energy and placed my hand on the trunk. It was so amazing. I felt like some electricity rushed through my hand, I felt loved, and I cried tears of joy. It was such a wonderful experience. 

Nature has been my healing source so many, many times in my life. I owe so much to her and I also said thank you to that tree by praying for it after I came home that evening.