Addiction, Addiction, Addiction

 I think so many things can be addicted. Actually, almost all things can be addicted, because all addictions comes from the same root:  a need to run and hide from pain and a weakened mind

For me, I've been addicted to several things: food, drink, sleep, Youtube, Netflix, and I used to be addicted to relationship and a person, too. I think it's just simply my nature. Someone can be prone to addiction more than others. I'm already thankful that I'm not addicted to things that are more dangerous like drugs or alcohol or cigarettes; otherwise my life will turn out even worse than it is right now.

Lately, I've been sitting and watching movies on my computer for hours, despite my will to break free from this cycle of Netflix addiction. I think I know why this happens. It's so easy. Once I start watching a movie or a series, I got drawn into another world, a world of excitement, romance, funny people, whatsoever. I forgot about my life, my suffering. I forgot about who I am. I forgot the whole world of reality for a while and that is a break from pain, isn't it? It's just like any other addictive things, it gives you quick joy, quick rush of dopamine, some moments of rest from worry and depression.  I think it's just the same with all kinds of addiction.

The way out? Well, I just need to build a motivation big enough to moderate the behavior or I might have to withdraw the membership. But, I know that my weakness wouldn't allow me to do the second choice soon. I really do need escapism sometimes. So I think I'll just fight it and if I can use my most longing or wishes to back up my motivation, maybe it will work? I don't know.

Just think about the hard work of quitting this addiction and the failures in the past on this matter is already a kind of suffering in itself. 

                                                                      

The picture is from the internet. I don't own it. It seems to represent me and a world I escape to. Thank you to the owner of the picture. 

Anger: An often-uncontrollable giant waves of feeling

 

I've come to noticed something strange lately.  While I was on the trip, a few days ago, a stranger deceived me by pretending to be taxi motorcycle that I called for from the application. That guy was almost sent by the devil, he got me to the wrong place first, before taking me to the right spot, it was almost intentional. When the real rider called me and said he was waiting, that deceiver just made a "well, can't help it, you gotta pay me" face. So I ended up pay both riders for that unnecessary short ride.

I wasn't angry!! How was I able to forgive that man?? My mind at the moment of arriving in front of the church was at peace although the situation was quite hectic. I decided to forgive and forget and keep myself at peace, and I was able to do it, seem easy for me that day.

But when I came back home and found that my mom moved things and changed things on my work desk and my bedroom AGAIN, I got so mad at her!!! I shouted at her and I complained and complained and complained. I ended up hurting my mom's feelings and I got myself severely depressed afterward. 

I couldn't control my anger at that moment. I don't know why. It wasn't a big thing but somehow it hurts me a lot. Why?? 

Why sometimes my mind is like a peaceful night and things that attack me seem very small and don't hurt a lot? But why sometimes my mind seem very quick to hurt and just a tiny bit of negative stimulation can be giant tidal wave, got me screaming and crying? 

I come to think of the word "TRIGGER" .   There are things that although seemed small but it could remind my subconsciousness of an event that caused me extreme pain. 

Maybe it's because some annoyance that seems small but if it keeps repeating again and again, it could be a suffering. So many times I come home and couldn't find things on desk because my mom had moved it, I was shocked while getting dressed many times because mom opened the curtain of my bedroom, which is my safe zone, and she didn't close it back. So many times that I had to open up the bag of the garbage again and again while I was in a hurry because she kept tying the bag. I had already told her many times that I didn't want my stuff to be messed around, but still....

I know it's small. It's a trivial thing. 

I know that I owed my mother so many, many things that I couldn't be able to pay back.

But still...I could not control my anger at her.

Is it because of her reaction after I complained? My mom and I got this vicious cycle of feedback reaction. My reaction feeds her anger and her reaction feeds my anger and keep going in circle. They are TRIGGERS of traumatic experience between us in the past. 

Anyway, among the things I learn that are uncontrollable about lives....uncontrollable anger is one of the worst. It destroys others, destroys me, destroy my life and even almost destroy my soul. 

And I don' t believe that only those terrible medicine is the only choice for me to get out of uncontrollable anger. (I'll talk about them later.) 

                                                                  Peaceful State of Mind

                                                    

                                                     Hit by a wave of uncontrollable anger

                                                     (And I'm NOT firm and strong like the lighthouse)

Traveling Keeps Me Alive

 I cannot explain how much I love traveling. For me, the change of place and scenery and the time to stay away from the old environment helps me to stay fresh and alert, and the state of my mind will be more peaceful than usual. I love getting familiar with a new room. I love to look out the window of the bus and just keep looking at things out there. It helps me to stay with the present instead of getting lost in the world of worry and fear or negative thoughts. 

I got a lot of work done on the last trip. Although waking up and falling asleep without a pattern is still a big problem for me, but at least I remember feeling that I didn't feel very down. I guess it's because there is no noise, no argument with anyone, no usual sound of morning quarrel downstairs. And there is always, always some places to see, some things to do, and some food to try. 

Moreover, traveling is the only time that I get to have my own room, my own bed, and stay air-conditioned for most of the time that I work. It's a great comfort for me.

On this trip, I made it to Sunday morning mass, after I hadn't been able to do so for such a long time. 

However, now I'm back. And the darkness began a few minutes right after I stepped into the house. I had a bad quarrel with mum. And all the plans that I planned to do that night collapsed because I got so very depressed that I couldn't move away from the sofa. 

I can't wait for my next trip. 

(This is a picture from the internet. I don't own it. It just gives me that sense of freedom from traveling so I put it here.)

Morning Usual Curses and Rare Blessings

 One of the most difficult thing in my life, which is probably an easy for many, is to get up in the morning and "stay awake" without falling back to bed. 

There are a lot of things that happen to me at the moment of waking up or a few minutes after waking up. The state between being awake and being asleep is really a fragile state for me. I could be waking from nightmare, hearing songs in my head that make me feel bad, getting flashes of ugly pictures behind my eyes, hearing my parents fighting downstairs and feel depressed, or feel very down and struggle to get up because my body seems to say "I don't want to get up and face another day because it's going to be more suffering." 

There are also worse state, like what I just faced this morning. It is a terrible feeling of NOT wanting to work, not wanting to go to teach. The feeling was so strong that I almost canceled the all the sessions that afternoon. I was down in my bed, knowing that I should get up, knowing that what I'm doing is wrong, but having no control over myself. It was as if there was another me inside, controlling my body to just lie there, saying "don't go to teach today, it's too much suffering.", and I'm also inside screaming "you need to get up!" to no avail. I struggled hard to get out of the house this morning. Actually, I was already sent a message to the institute trying to cancel the whole thing but received a reply that I couldn't, I must be there. 

So...that's my morning curses. The more older I am, the more I have it.

There are some blessings, though. It's just so rare but it's good. Yesterday morning I heard a very sweet song of a bird near my window when I was waking up. I felt no sleepiness and depression in me. There were some days that song of encouragement was playing in my head instead of the bad ones. 

However, if I was able to get up in such nice mornings, but I fell back to bed again, the terrible condition will return and I won't be able to get up again for a long time, maybe 3 to 4 hours. 

These are things that I don't know how to explain to people. I don't know how to explain to the doctors. They didn't understand. They just thought that pills would help but actually they don't. 

I heard that fluoxetine can make people even more depressed. And the terrible episode that got me this morning was after I took the pill. It seems that almost all medicine prescribed by psychiatrists do me more harm than good. 

Anyway, just to remind myself of the few pleasant mornings. I want to post these pictures I found on the internet. It calmed me down when I look at them. 

Back to My Resting Place

 I thought I have lost this space a long time ago. So surprised to find that it's still here, just when I need it the most. I am battling the suicide thoughts every day. I've been writing things on my Facebook but I think it's not the right space to post something long like an article. And maybe it's  it's just a garbage in feed news for some people anyway. I don't open my Facebook to public due to security reason. But here, I don't mind. Writing soothes my pain so I'm going to write here every day, to rest from the world. 

I'm so tired, body and soul. I don't know how long I would last in this world. 

I am back to my resting place now.

(The picture is from the internet. I don't own it)

God Belongs to the Driver's Seat

Sometimes God speaks through a book and, occasionally, through many books at the same time. Lately, I was reading a near-death experience account of a doctor named Mary McNeal and I came across a few sentences that struck me hard. It was when she talked about how she was living her life before the NDE happened.

It was as if I consigned God to the backseat of my car;

I wanted him to be present, but didn't want Him to distract me

and I certainly didn't want Him to drive the car.

Thankfully, God is patient and God is faithful. 

He sits in the backseat just waiting for our invitation to move up to the front

so that He can steer and press the pedals.

If we give him the car key,

He will take us on an unbelievable ride. 

I think I've been doing the same thing. I want God to be in my life. I want to follow his advice. However, I have lost some courage that I used to have...the courage to allow God to tell me where to go and what to do with my life...the courage to totally surrender the wheel. Yes, I did ask for advice.  I ask Him a lot in terms of my career path. I want him to guide that part of my life. However, I admit that if I heard Him tell me to do something crazy, something that put me at risk of bankrupting or losing my chance to travel, I wouldn't do it. It's like I said to God "No, no...not vow of poverty. I'm not a nun. I walked away from that goal many years ago and actually you told me to do so. Please get my saving account back to where it used to be" I sort of fix the main destination by myself and ask God to take me to that destination. 

Several days ago, I watched a clip of Joyce Mayor speaking to her audience. The last sentence she said was "I'm telling you this...being a Christian is a Full-Time Job."

That got me thinking. Yes, I am a freelance, but I often view my worldly work as the main tasks that I have to do everyday. I often view God and His assignments as second. Many times the worldly work consume so much of my time that I forget to pray and postpone being loving to the people around me. Only on some of my self-retreat trips that I managed to keep God as the first priority. Actually, I don't want it that way. I used to ask God to be my employer, doing everything for him, and get payment from Him. But after my lack of self-discipline kicked him, I just didn't dare to do that anymore. I'm afraid that God would want to fire me and He wouldn't be paying me because I wasn't a worthy employee anyway. And another thing, there were major events that made me lose much faith in Him and sometimes I'm afraid that God will not take care of me and my financial well-being. (Well, he let me get totally broke once, what if He would do it again?). 

Overall...I can just summarize that I lack faith. 

Nevertheless, Joyce made me consider this matter again. She's the one who worked full-time for God and God didn't let her starve or become broke. Yet, she's not someone who is afraid of difficulty or pain or obstacle; she faced them all and kept on placing her trust in God. She said in her book "Trusting God Day by Day" that we should not keep postponing God's request by saying that we're not ready or it's not convenient time. An example is also found in the Old Testament. Let me quote a part of what she said.

When the Israelites were traveling through the wilderness, they were led by cloud during the day and a pillar of fire by night. When the cloud moved, they had to move. And when it hovered, they stayed where they were (See Num. 9:15-23)...I seriously doubt that at night they hung Do Not Disturb signs on the opening of their tents to let God know they did not want to be inconvenienced. When He decided it was time to go, they packed up and followed Him. So when God decides that it is time for us to move the next level of our journey, we should never say "This is just not a good time!"

I know that I've been doing that for the past few years. I just keep telling God that it's not the right time for me to surrender to Him the driver's seat. It's not the right time for the world to get into the Great Tribulation in which the whole civilization is so completely damaged that it needs to be rebuilt again because I'm just not ready. My main reason is that I'm afraid...afraid of pain, of hardship, of losing my own identity, of losing my comfort zone, of losing the chance to make my dreams come true, of losing control of everything and falling down into nowhere. If only I gain my faith and trust back, I might be able to let God drive the car again. The way I did many years ago. I'm waiting for myself to be ready. I'm searching for some reasons to make me trust God more so I can give him the steering wheel. 

It was as if the book can read my thought. The next paragraph Joyce said exactly the thing that I need to hear.

God knows best, and His timing is always right. The fact that I don't feel ready to deal with something in my life doesn't mean that I'm not ready. God's timing is perfect, and His ways are not our ways, but they are higher and better than our ways (see Isa. 55:9).  

Joyce also mentioned example of the disciples: Peter, James, and John. When Jesus said, "Follow Me." They left everything and followed Jesus right away. 

The disciples didn't ask how long they would be gone or what the salary package would be. They didn't ask about benefits, compensation, time for travel, or what kind of hotel they would be staying in. They didn't even ask Jesus what their job description would be. They simply left everything behind and followed Him. 

Joyce also mentioned a teaching from the book of Ecclesiastes, and also other examples from the Old Testament. 

King Solomon said if we wait for all conditions to be favorable before we sow, we will never reap (see Eccl. 11:4) In other words, we must give and obey God when it is not convenient and when it is costly if want to reap our reward...

Abraham had to leave his country, his relatives, and his home and go to a place God would not even tell him about until he went there. Joseph saved a nation from starvation, but not before he was violently removed from his comfortable home and put in an inconvenient place for many years...

These people we read about were inconvenienced so that someone else's life could be easier. Jesus died so we could have life and have it abundantly. Soldiers die so that civilians can remain safe at home. Fathers go to work so their families can have nice lives, and mothers go through pain of childbirth to bring another life into the world. It seems quite obvious that someone usually has to experience pain or inconvenience for anyone to gain anything...If you make a decision that you don't mind inconvenience or interruption, then God  can use you. You can make a difference to the world. But if you remain addicted to your comfort, God will have to pass you by for someone who is more willing to endure the hard things in life in order to do God's will. 

After I read the last sentence, I felt so sad. I think it's the kind of sadness that the rich young man felt while walking away after Jesus told him to sell everything, give money to the poor, and follow Him. 

On the same day, I also came across a text in the middle of the book Confessions by Saint Augustine, there is a part that I happened to read on the same day that I read the above passage from Joyce Meyer's book. It showed that, at one point in his life, Saint Augustine himself used to get trapped between the desire for the full and complete truth of God and the comfort of this world. In the below quote he was talking about the condition of himself, torn between the two worlds.

(So far, I have only the translated version of the book, so I will have to put it in Thai language here for now.)

...ฉะนี้แล้ว ทำไมเราจึงยังรีรออยู่อีกเล่า ทำไมจึงยังไม่ทิ้งความหวังแบบโลกๆ และมอบถวายตนเองทั้งกายและใจ ทุ่มเทให้แก่การแสวงหาองค์พระผู้เป็นเจ้า  และการแสวงหาชีวิตดีอันมีสุขแท้จริงเล่า แต่ช้าก่อน ชีวิตโลกนี้เองก็หวานชื่นไม่น้อย ชีวิตมันก็มีเสน่ห์ของมันเอง เสน่ห์เหล่านี้ไม่เล็กน้อยนิดหน่อยเลย และที่สำคัญ เราคงไม่อาจรีบร้อนถอนไถ่จิตใจตนเองหลุดพ้นจากเสน่ห์เหล่านั้นไปได้ง่ายๆ...

...ดวงใจข้าก็โลดเต้นไปทางโน้นทีทางนี้ที ตามแรงลมซึ่งหอบพัดมาจากทิศต่างๆกัน  กาลเวลาก็ล่วงเลยไป แต่ข้าก็ยังรีรอลังเลที่จะกลับใจมาหาพระองค์ วันแล้ววันเล่าที่ข้าผัดผ่อนการหันมาดำเนินชีวิตอยู่ในพระองค์...ข้าเฝ้าใฝ่ฝันชีวิตที่มีความสุข แต่กลับตระหนกตกใจกลัวที่จะเข้าใกล้สถานที่แท้จริงแห่งชีวิตที่ดียิ่งกว่า...

The messages from these books seem to be a way that God talks to me. Maybe where I am is where many people have been. Maybe one day God will help me move away from the illusions of this life further. Bit by bit and day by day, I will try to build up my trust in the Lord again. I will try to face more conveniences and try to let go of the steering wheel of my life a little more. Trust God a little more. I can't be sure or guarantee that tomorrow I will be able to say this because I know how weak I am. But I am still hoping that God knows me well and will guide me to walk each baby step and protect me from the kind of storm that will corrupt my faith. 

Wonderful Things About My Father

My father is a good artist, an experienced director, and a talented singer. However, I am not going to discuss all these abilities but I am going to describe why I feel most peaceful when my father is around. These qualities are the true wonderful things about him. My father is a happy receiver, is mostly calm and happy, is clear and straightforward in communication and is focused on his spiritual practice.

Firstly, my father always gives me the opportunity to be the giver. He is happy to receive things or help with open hand and smiling face. I have always had difficulty with those who always try to be givers but do not allow me  to give anything back to them. Sometimes  I miss an opportunity to be a good daughter, I postpone doing things for my parents, and I realize later that I was wrong. My father is the one who always give me the second chance to do it again. My father would be patient with a dirty bathroom or a dirty sink until I finally manage to find the time and manage to get up and clean it. He usually does not get angry, did the chore himself, and complain later. He waits for me to do it. My father does not say no to gifts or treats of meal. When he is sick, he does not keep it secretly to himself or try to "bear all the pain" bravely and alone. For me that is a good thing. My father let others know that he is sick and does not hesitate to ask for help. This means I have an opportunity to care for a sick parent. When I ask "Dad, how are you feeling now?" He would willingly let me know his condition in details and might ask gently, "can you help me do the  dishes today, daughter?" And I would be willing to do it. He gives me ways to be a good daughter, to feel a little bit better about myself. I really do have difficulty with those who do not let me know that they are sick and feel bitter toward me later for not noticing it.

My father usually has calm temperament. He moves slow, not rushing with things. He enjoys eating food and expresses his joy openly when he eats something delicious. When he finishes cooking a bowl of Tom Yum Kung, he would smile, present the food proudly like a child, and share happily. When I am around him, I could talk about small things with him and forget my troubles or heartaches for a while. Nevertheless, the most important thing is that he is patient with my bad temper. Actually his anger is very scary, but he is very slow to anger. I admit that sometimes I and my sister said thing to him with such a bad mood, showing irritation openly in our voice, talking to him so disrespectfully. My father would bear with it and did not strike back with hurtful words. I am a little bit spoiled by this kindness of my dad, but it is a truly wonderful thing of him and it makes me regret my own bad behavior later. This aspect of my dad becomes the image of our "Father in Heaven" and is also part of the reason why sometimes I behave like a spoiled child toward God.

My father talks openly and directly, without sarcasm or irony in his voice. I do not have to decipher his real intention from the speech because he expresses things honestly. This is so important to me because I really have hard time with people who talk sarcastically, saying things with insulting tone of the voice. I have been hurt so many many times in my life by this way of communication that I even develop phobia of it. This is why I feel peaceful around my dad. If he likes it, he says he likes it. If he doesn't like it, he says he doesn't like it. If he wants me to do something, he asks me directly and kindly. When he wants to teach me something about life or wants to give me advice or wants to express himself that he cares, he would just say it directly and state his intention clearly. I can understand my father's intention and meaning  when he communicates. I don't hear any knives hidden in his speech. It is a wonderful thing indeed.

Lastly, my father always holds fast to his spiritual belief and practice. He is a Buddhist. He usually has his daily hour of chanting prayer and "Phae Metta" or wishing happiness to all creatures. I believe that his "Phae Metta" has been sending an atmosphere of peace that covers this house and the surrounding area. I remember one day that I was so depressed and could not get out of bed. My father went into his prayer room and in just a short while the heaviness inside me was lifted and I was able to get up. My father has always been serious about his spiritual belief. He sincerely shares his spiritual experience to others; he even writes articles about them in social media. Most importantly, he does not hesitate to share his religious belief with me although I have become a believer of Christ. He did not react negatively to me or shun away when I was converted to Christianity. He was the only family member presented in my baptism ceremony. He told me that "all roads lead to one destination." Furthermore, my father and I have some spiritual experience that seem to be in common, like lucid dream and out of body experience. So when I talk to him about it, he can understand me more than those who have not had the experience.

Both my mother and my father are normal people with the good and the bad in themselves. But it makes me happy to describe only the good things about them. It is better to send more light into the world by talking positively about people around us. I don't want to write negative and dark views on this blog anymore.