Another Reason To Die

 Have you ever get followed everywhere by that dark rainy cloud of bad lucks? Have you ever felt your life is cursed to feel series of bad lucks almost every day? It is normal to have some bad days once in a while. My life used to be that way, too. It used to be normal like other people. Bad days come and then they go, and once in a while it might come back. But now, it is like ALMOST EVERYDAY is a terrible day. Bad luck after bad luck after bad luck of all sorts come pouring down all day almost non-stop. You just hope that it will be for a period of time and then things will come back to normal. You pray for help from above. But nothing works. It's been months, and actually such period of time is like come every year for many months for more than ten years already. My life is Hell. 

Have you ever prayed and get shunned by God, felt so abandoned by Him when you don't even have the faith to hold on to your religion anymore? . 

Have you ever felt that if life continues like this there is every good reason to die? If every day of your life is going to be cursed non-stop with pain, accidents, sickness, bad fortune and all other bad stuff and no one can help you and this period of terrible curse keep coming back to your life.

You know this is done by the Devil. You know this comes from bad karma. But you don't know why the God who promised to be there just not there anymore. The God who said he is Love. The God who said he would protect. You don't know where that God is anymore and you don't know why bother going to church anymore. 

In conclusion, I went back to walk and then came back to the same abyss again. All roads lead back to the same abyss. I'd rather jump down because there is no other way to go anyway, is there? 

Same pain, same misery, going in loop over and over and over again all my life? Then why live?

I will not go back to church again until it stops. That's all I can say for now. If anyone want to say a prayer, then please do so. Someone is about to become a lost soul and falling down to Hell right here.

My Reason to Live

 It might seem to be a very small thing, but the truth is that feeding the pigeons on my rooftop in the morning give me a reason to live everyday. Seriously. That is the moment when I find that my life is worth living more than any moments of the day. 

I am not a good daughter, rather useless to my parents and can help very little at home. I don't have lots of money to buy them a new house, a new car, or even a really good comfortable trip. 

I am not a very good friend. After my mental health goes down, my mood is often sound and I frequently snap and burst out in anger. I did that to some of my friends, too. I'm not useful to them like before. I used to be that calm and cool listener to all, but not anymore.

I am not a saint or someone who easily find opportunities to be kind to others. I don't know how to be helpful to any of my relatives, although I want to. I need to set a thick wall against some group of relatives because of the hurt from some traumatic events in the past so I didn't lend any helping hand to the ones whose mother was very sick. I could not step out there...they probably won't know that if I stepped out there in that area of the community, I would be triggered, my heart would race and I would feel like throwing up. So, they think I'm just a mean and distant relative, quite useless. Well, the latter is true...I'm useless. But I'm not mean, nor cold...I can't let them in but I don't hate them...trying not to. 

But the pigeons....every morning the sound of pigeons and their eager way of coming to eat the food made me feel that my life is worthwhile to them. Their hungry stomachs got filled because of me. They happily ate up the food...all of the seeds...all of them. They made happy sound while eating too. My life matters to them. At least now some lives are happier because of me. 

Yes, I'm selfish,  I admit, for the way I stubbornly continue to feed them although the neighbors are so annoyed by their sounds and their bird drops.  

But I'm telling you this....I will be selfish about this.

THEY ARE MY REASON TO LIVE.

I an rather useless with people, but when I had to work away from home for 4 months and could not feed those birds, I fed the stray dogs instead...filling hungry stomach of animals made me feel that I worth some thing on this Earth. 

Sometimes giving to the poor on the street helped me feel better about my life, too. But I can't find such opportunity every day. 

Sorry if the birds or strayed dogs annoyed you but my life has meaning because of them. 

That's why...I go crazy when it comes to this matter. I selfishly announced that I would not stop giving the food even if I would be jail for it. After I finish my prison time, I will come back and feed the birdies again no matter what anyone said. Let them hate me because when I really, really have no reason to continue living...these little winged friends saved my life. 

Good Days, Bad Days: Percentage Matters

 I have noticed how my life has been processing itself. It's true that after some bad lucks, a good fortune will happen at the end. BUT...it just simply lacks equivalence in the degree. It just does not balance. In a week, I usually have 4 very bad days, 2 ordinary days, 1 very good day. How exhausting! 

In a very bad day, like yesterday, I got 5-6 bad lucks...some of them continuously happened in a row. Got overcharged by a motorcycle, forgetting my phone so more payment for another motorcycle to go back home and return again, having diarrhea, going to church but it closed, going to a restaurant that I have only one favorite dish but that dish is not available, got a taxi who didn't know the way at all and not accepting his fault, terrible noise shook my nerve before leaving the house, didn't get important things done, buying something and found out that the price tag was for another product and the real price was double of that amount. Embarrassing myself by paying sanitary napkins at Seven Eleven and left it on the counter with my drink, male staff had to pick them up and called me back. Get the picture? Now, imagine that about four days a week. Including bad day of teaching, bad day of working part-time in the office when everything goes wrong and a big mistake made. 

I know that there are good days. But isn't it so sad to think that after that short wonderful day, you'll go back to the long period of darkness and pain again. Sometimes I wonder how long it will go on like this. Do I have to keep crying for four days in order to smile for one day? 

Another reason to think of dying as a way out, I admit. If it does not stop, if it keeps continuing like this. Just simply Hell on Earth with a few breaks. It's not really life...it's a tormenting machine with breaks. 

Oh, by the way, a bad day also means that my prayer got the opposite thing as an answer. Sometimes it really feels like you ask for bread and the Father gives you a snake. Don't mind me. I just feel that way sometimes really. 

When it's Grey....

 

Lately there have been this grey thing covering my heart and I can't get rid of it.  Being grateful for little things use to make feel a little better, but this grey thing block me from feeling those little good moments. Having confidence and faith is essential for someone to move forward, get things done and feel hopeful, but this grey thing take away my ability to have all of that. A thought that very bad days often come before very good days  but this gray things make me think back that I've been having bad days for a week or more but there is still no particular good days in sight. 

This grey thing makes me sad. It makes my heartache during the day when I'm busy doing ordinary things. It's like a grey color is painted all over me and the air around me.

This grey thing is terrible. Even for an event that is unlikely to happen in a wrong way, I can imagine it going wrong anyway and feel so anxious and afraid about the future. This grey thing double the power of negative thinking. 

You may call it depression and you may say go and take your medicine. Well, that is the last thing I will use for it has bad effects on health in the long run, something most people look over.

Looking back to the past, I remember that this grey thing could disappear by itself when situation changed and really good things happened. Sometimes it even miraculously disappear....maybe someone prayed for me. Depression...maybe, but let's see how long it last first. If it goes away some time soon, it might be just a bolt of blue.

But...if it keeps covering my heart in thicker and thicker layers, I'll take those pills. If I still want to live I have to. 

Just wait and see how long it stays this time. Please pray for me if you can. It's better than chemical medicine, much much better.

Places and Memories

 

   A few days I went to walk there again....that area full of memories. It is a contrast in itself because a lot of memories there are beautiful ones...but the loss of something made them become dark and painful. On days when I feel strong or normal, I force myself to go there and face those memories in order to make myself get used to being there alone. I try to paint new memories of me and myself to replace memories of me and someone else. Of course, it does not help much but at least it might make going there a bit more bearable. Sometimes I go there with a friend or two, hoping to create new memories over it. Well, bad news is each memory has different level of power to stick on to places. Some have been imprinted so deeply that other weaker memories cannot replace them. That area contains such memories. 

I was not in a very strong state of mind that day due to stress and worries from work and other things, so waking alone in that area was like walking barefoot on thorny grass. I felt the pain each and every step of the way. Some of the spots containing newest memories of that past, I didn't even dare to visit. But still, I know that if I keep avoiding the place, I will never be able to step there at all. If I keep asking that person to come with me every time in order not to be hurt or haunted by those memories, it will be like creating more thorns for my future, putting more chains on myself. So...I just bear with the pain, like I should, and when it was getting too much I just went home. 

Beside traumatic experience, loss is something that creates such dark memories in places. When I went back to where I used to play with my cousins as a child, I didn't experience this kind of pain because the memories there did not contain painful loss. I still see those cousins of mine sometimes although we don't have time to spend together anymore. Places where I went with my close friends contain beautiful and colorful memories, also. My friends are still in my life. I have not lost them. 

That person...is still in my life, actually. But the relationship is lost. Suddenly all the wonderful and amazing moments turned dark. The places are haunted by whispers "no more, no more, you will have that happiness no more..."

I am writing this on days when I've already become much stronger and time has erased a lot of pain away. There have been darkest time of my life where such memories in places were truly "unbearable." Walking in the area would be more than just walking on thorny grass, it was more like a knife keep piercing your heart every step of the way and it hurts so much you couldn't do anything but cried. 

That evening, a few days ago, it was painful to return to the area. But I just bit my lips and carried on. I was able to walk around there a couple of hours or so. 

There are many kind of torments in adulthood. Pain from places and memories is one of them. That is one experience of being a human that I gain. 

They say that all experiences will become something good to your life one day. But I haven't found any usefulness from such torment. It is just the pain to bear. But who knows what tomorrow may bring. This is the most optimistic thought I could have. I am no longer that young little girl full of the fire of life. 

Glimpses of Heaven in a Song

 The night has been unpeaceful, filled with racing thoughts and worries. It is not an unusual torment, but it still makes me feel tired and depressed and gloomy. To find a way to soothe my pain, I thought of this song "Deep Peace" or Gaelic Blessing by John Rutter, the version sung by the heavenly boy choir "Libera".  I turned the music on and my eyes filled with tears again. 

There is a small peace of Heaven hidden in this song, in both the music and the lyrics. While I was listening to it my mind could imagine a land so free from pain and misery. Then I thought how wonderful it is that I don't have to live on the Earth forever. I could not wait to leave this heavy body and go flying. If God would still be merciful and keep His promise about going to Heaven through Jesus...I mean. I probably can't get there through any other ways at such a low state of spirit. 

My music teacher used to say that actually music contains colors, if you really listen you see those colors. I couldn't agree more. This song "Deep Peace" contains so much light...bright and beautiful white light. It is truly a blessing to the ears, to the heart, to the weary spirit of mine. 

One day in the future, if someone would be kind enough to play a song at my funeral...I wish it would be this song. 

The Four-Leaf Clover Lesson

 

One autumn afternoon, about 30 years ago, I was beside a small church in the United States, somewhat similar to the picture above. The area look pleasant and refreshing with grass, plants and trees around, so I took a walk just to relax. Then I began to realize that I am in the field of clovers. A lot of these pretty green plants are everywhere on the ground. Then I remember that someone told me if you find four-leaf clover you are very lucky and you can make a wish. So I began to diligently look for one. I walked here, I walked there, I looked and looked and looked....but all that I saw were the regular three-leaf ones. After some time passed, I grew tired and gave up, thinking that...well...it's a rare thing to find and I might not be the lucky one. "That's ok" I told myself, "I'll sit and rest and enjoy this pretty atmosphere." And I did just that. I sat there in the middle of the field and just enjoyed the moments of peace. After several minutes, ready to go home, I got up...and...right there between my two feet was a four-leaf clover!

I was so excited and happy, I picked it up and made a wish right there. If you ask me if my wish had come true, the answer is....partly yes and partly no. The wish was one of the most important dreams of my life it still is even now. Part of it had already come true...but not whole. I'm still waiting for the complete dream come true. 

It might sound like a small incident but I never forgot that day. What I learned was that if I intentionally look, I might not find it no matter how hard I tried. But if I just let myself be peaceful and stay with the moment, it will appear to me. 

The same message came to me again about 4 years ago, at a serene seaside town in Thailand. I was having my usual three-night holiday of the month and I was traveling by myself. I heard that one can see the sunrise from the bay so I tried so hard to get up and take some pictures of the sunrise, and I was able to get up early at dawn (that's already a miracle in itself, actually.) and walked to the beach. It was not even six o'clock yet. The sky was cloudy and the sun could not be seen. I waited there for a while. The sky had some lights in it already, but still, I could not see the sun. It was probably hidden behind some thick clouds. I felt a bit sad but then I said to myself, "That's ok. You've tried, let's just go walk along the beach and enjoyed the atmosphere." So I did just that. During my walk I saw that there were many large pieces of garbage on the beach and a thought popped up in my head that if I picked them up, I would be doing a good thing to the Earth, a good deed for this trip. I began to picked up a lot of garbage from the beach for several minutes until I sweated. I felt so good of myself. Then...after picking up the last one, I stood up, turned to the sea, and the most beautiful sunrise was in front of me! 

I took several pictures of the sunrise. (They were more beautiful than the picture above but they were trapped inside a broken phone of mine.) The message that came to me on that day was quite similar to the message on the day that I found the four-leaf clover. Just keep doing the good things, don't try to look for it, and you will find just what you are looking for. 

This message came to me again, just some minutes ago. Last night I was looking for this one picture I collected from the net. The folder was full of so many, many pictures but I am usually able to find what I look for. However, I looked and looked and looked over and over again but I could not find that one particular picture. So I thought to myself, "That's ok. I probably deleted it and I didn't remember." And today, just when I am making this post and was looking for another picture in the same folder, the one I looked for last night appear! It was right there, so easily to be seen, while last night I could not see it at all no matter how hard I tried. It was almost like a confirmation that the message I am writing about is still something that I should keep in mind. 

If you look for that very dream of yours to come true but it's just not there, stop looking or waiting. It will come to you when it's time. 

PS. So far, all the pictures on my blog are not mine. They are from the net. Thank you to the owners for sharing them.