My Reason to Live

 It might seem to be a very small thing, but the truth is that feeding the pigeons on my rooftop in the morning give me a reason to live everyday. Seriously. That is the moment when I find that my life is worth living more than any moments of the day. 

I am not a good daughter, rather useless to my parents and can help very little at home. I don't have lots of money to buy them a new house, a new car, or even a really good comfortable trip. 

I am not a very good friend. After my mental health goes down, my mood is often sound and I frequently snap and burst out in anger. I did that to some of my friends, too. I'm not useful to them like before. I used to be that calm and cool listener to all, but not anymore.

I am not a saint or someone who easily find opportunities to be kind to others. I don't know how to be helpful to any of my relatives, although I want to. I need to set a thick wall against some group of relatives because of the hurt from some traumatic events in the past so I didn't lend any helping hand to the ones whose mother was very sick. I could not step out there...they probably won't know that if I stepped out there in that area of the community, I would be triggered, my heart would race and I would feel like throwing up. So, they think I'm just a mean and distant relative, quite useless. Well, the latter is true...I'm useless. But I'm not mean, nor cold...I can't let them in but I don't hate them...trying not to. 

But the pigeons....every morning the sound of pigeons and their eager way of coming to eat the food made me feel that my life is worthwhile to them. Their hungry stomachs got filled because of me. They happily ate up the food...all of the seeds...all of them. They made happy sound while eating too. My life matters to them. At least now some lives are happier because of me. 

Yes, I'm selfish,  I admit, for the way I stubbornly continue to feed them although the neighbors are so annoyed by their sounds and their bird drops.  

But I'm telling you this....I will be selfish about this.

THEY ARE MY REASON TO LIVE.

I an rather useless with people, but when I had to work away from home for 4 months and could not feed those birds, I fed the stray dogs instead...filling hungry stomach of animals made me feel that I worth some thing on this Earth. 

Sometimes giving to the poor on the street helped me feel better about my life, too. But I can't find such opportunity every day. 

Sorry if the birds or strayed dogs annoyed you but my life has meaning because of them. 

That's why...I go crazy when it comes to this matter. I selfishly announced that I would not stop giving the food even if I would be jail for it. After I finish my prison time, I will come back and feed the birdies again no matter what anyone said. Let them hate me because when I really, really have no reason to continue living...these little winged friends saved my life.