Places and Memories

 

   A few days I went to walk there again....that area full of memories. It is a contrast in itself because a lot of memories there are beautiful ones...but the loss of something made them become dark and painful. On days when I feel strong or normal, I force myself to go there and face those memories in order to make myself get used to being there alone. I try to paint new memories of me and myself to replace memories of me and someone else. Of course, it does not help much but at least it might make going there a bit more bearable. Sometimes I go there with a friend or two, hoping to create new memories over it. Well, bad news is each memory has different level of power to stick on to places. Some have been imprinted so deeply that other weaker memories cannot replace them. That area contains such memories. 

I was not in a very strong state of mind that day due to stress and worries from work and other things, so waking alone in that area was like walking barefoot on thorny grass. I felt the pain each and every step of the way. Some of the spots containing newest memories of that past, I didn't even dare to visit. But still, I know that if I keep avoiding the place, I will never be able to step there at all. If I keep asking that person to come with me every time in order not to be hurt or haunted by those memories, it will be like creating more thorns for my future, putting more chains on myself. So...I just bear with the pain, like I should, and when it was getting too much I just went home. 

Beside traumatic experience, loss is something that creates such dark memories in places. When I went back to where I used to play with my cousins as a child, I didn't experience this kind of pain because the memories there did not contain painful loss. I still see those cousins of mine sometimes although we don't have time to spend together anymore. Places where I went with my close friends contain beautiful and colorful memories, also. My friends are still in my life. I have not lost them. 

That person...is still in my life, actually. But the relationship is lost. Suddenly all the wonderful and amazing moments turned dark. The places are haunted by whispers "no more, no more, you will have that happiness no more..."

I am writing this on days when I've already become much stronger and time has erased a lot of pain away. There have been darkest time of my life where such memories in places were truly "unbearable." Walking in the area would be more than just walking on thorny grass, it was more like a knife keep piercing your heart every step of the way and it hurts so much you couldn't do anything but cried. 

That evening, a few days ago, it was painful to return to the area. But I just bit my lips and carried on. I was able to walk around there a couple of hours or so. 

There are many kind of torments in adulthood. Pain from places and memories is one of them. That is one experience of being a human that I gain. 

They say that all experiences will become something good to your life one day. But I haven't found any usefulness from such torment. It is just the pain to bear. But who knows what tomorrow may bring. This is the most optimistic thought I could have. I am no longer that young little girl full of the fire of life.