Eyes of the Tortoise

Once, I saw an old big tortoise in Phuket. He looked like he has lived this world for so long. He was so still and calm and somehow I felt like I was in front of an old wise man. So, I looked at the tortoise and said to him in my mind "Dear Grandpa Tortoise, I love and respect you for living this Earth for so long. I want to give you love and greeting from my heart. I want you to be very happy, and know that I respect your experience on Earth."

Suddenly, the tortoise apparently stretched and lifted it up his head, and "looked back into my eyes." He really did. He looked into my eyes for a long time, as if he receives all of those unspoken message from my heart.

At first I thought I might be crazy. It could be just a coincidence. So I experimented again. This time I tried doing the same thing with a Giant Tortoise in a zoo in Europe. He was huge! The largest one I had ever seen. He must be very, very old too. So I looked at him through the glass window and said the same thing from my heart. Amazingly, the tortoise lifted up his head, opened his eyes, and stared at me a long time, as if he understood what I was saying to him. I didn't imagine it up. His action was so clear that even the person standing next to me could see it, for she said "Look, the tortoise is looking at you!"

Maybe old tortoises really represent the Ancient Spirit of the Earth? I don't know. I only want to share this experience because it's very strange. You can try, too. But you must pick a very old one. (I tried the same thing with a small young turtle, he didn't respond.)

(By the way, the picture below isn't mine. I used it because it represents the story best. In my memory, the eyes of both tortoises looking back at me were a bit wider thant this and there was more kindness shining from them.)

Two Better Than One

Many years ago, I went to visit my uncle's home in Kanchanaburi. I saw this poor stray dog called "Da." She was a white regular Thai dog, so skinny to the bones and seemed to be scared all the time. Maybe she was the weakest one around there and other stronger dogs always get the food. I didn't know if anyone had abused her before. Da seemed to be afraid of human, too.  She always kept a distance from everyone.

I felt sorry for her. That day I got a bunch of leftover fried eggs from the lunch we had at a restaurant. So I prayed to God, please let Da come and take this food. I tried approaching her very slowly and placed the bowl on the ground. But she ran away. I tried circling around her slowly, sitting here and there, and got close to her bit by bit. She ran away. I tried calling her name softly and gesturing at the food bowl. She ran away. At that time I didn't understand why this is so hard and why God didn't help me. I was trying to do a kind thing to a poor animal, usually God would help right away. I tried for like twenty minutes or so but failed to gain her trust. She just kept moving away.

Finally, I was about to give up. My sister walked pass by, so I told her briefly about what I was trying to do but fail. My sister said "Let's try again. Let's put this bowl on the ground" So we did, and we tried to call the poor dog "Come one Da, come eat this food" The skinny white dog looked at the bowl and looked at us, she still wouldn't come any closer. Then my sister said, "Hey, let us runaway from the bowl. Maybe it'll work." So we just left the bowl there and ran very fast, as if we were being chased by something. It worked like miracle! After some meters away, we turned around and saw Da quickly to the food bowl and eat the fried eggs. She seemed to enjoy it very much. Maybe it was the best meal she had that week or that month, you never know. Not even tiny bits or crumbs were left in the bowl when she finished and walked away.

But heart and my sister's heart are filled with joy. We were so happy. At that moment, an understanding dawned in my mind. God didn't want me to do this alone. He wanted my sister to also share the joy of doing kind things for others. And maybe he wanted to teach me that, here on Earth, I should not try to do everything all on my own (which is something I often do)  I should let others be a part of any good projects. Two is better than one. The joy shared is always double joy.

one with you

As tears stream down my face
As pain beats up my chest
As my heart aches as if it's about to break
As my soul grieves and sinks to the depth

I am one with you, my sorrowful friends
I am one with those who cry
I am one with those who are lonely
I am one with the broken heart
I am one with the depressed

And now as I feel my heart is torn to pieces
As I feel the knives cut deep again and again
At least I know...
I am not the only one

Millions are crying now
Some in their own little corner of their room
hidden in shame of themselves
Some on the cold and hard street
sitting all lonely and alone
Some are crying secretly amid the crowd
crying bitterly, invisibly, in a laughing party

At least I know how it hurts, my sorrowful friends
I am one with you.
I am one with you.

If you want to express love, but you don't know how
I know how it feels
If you want to be loved, but you don't know how
I know how it feels
If you want to break out from this shell, but you don't know how
I know how you feel

At least I'm crying with you tonight, my sorrowful friends
I am one with you.
I am one with you.

Migraine, my new friend

Finally, I discover the truth about all these strange symptomps that I've been having: Fatique, depression, hullicinations, getting irritated easily by sound, and chronic headache. I am a Migraine sufferer. It is as simple as that.

Somhow, there is peace and serenity upon finding out the truth. It is like knowing that from now on you are going to have a new friend that will come visit you now and then. There will be unavoidable pain, but there is also a challenge in limiting the triggers. In my case, they are irregular sleep and stress. It is almost impossible for a worry-full person like me to stop being stressed. Anxiety got the best of me when I'm trying to sleep and when I'm trying to wake up. It is a big challenge indeed.

From now on, it is necessary for me to have good habit of sleeping, eating ,exercising, and relaxing. Something I should have had long time ago but I kept failing to form such habits. Now, my friend Migraine is going to help by pressuring me to build them. Stay healthy or hurt like hell, that's my choice.

Not too bad, isn't it. I just try to be positive. That's all. The fact is I already cried twice yesterday and tonight, when some people closest to me ignore totally about what kind of pain I've been going through, not even a word of sympathy. But crying didn't help anyway. It is just the way to let a bit of overflowing pain stream down like a river. Just to stay alive, not get choked up by the feeling of hurt.