Looking for that light in the darkness

I have heard people say that if you really look into the dark, you will see the light in it. These people seem to be really serious about what they say. So, I just think that I will try to look a little more carefully this time, in the new blanket of darkness  that has fallen on me. I used to see that light somewhere in the past, I need to try to remember how I was able to see it.

The pain has returned, it is a kind of unexplainable emptiness inside of me, almost unbearable, really killing. Very hard to explain where it comes from but this kind of pain grow worse in silence when you are alone. It seems to be from somewhere deep within. I guess there is no way to heal or to get rid of, just simply survive until it passes away.

I survive by lessening the time of silence. Fill it up with some conversations and works.
I survive by collecting any good little things that happen in a day, being grateful for them.

Today, one of the best thing that I can be thankful for is...the situation in my country is a bit better. No more violence today because one side decide to surrender...at least step down one more step and let the other side have what they want. I want to say that I respect that decision although I haven't been sided with the government, but I respect this decision. And I'm glad that today no more fighting, no more rubber bullets and gases. Don't know what would happen next, but I'm so thankful that today...there is a little more peace right here in Bangkok.

But I also need to have the silence whenever I feel a bit more strength inside of me, for if I'm running away from silence all the time I will never really heal.

But in the silence, I will fill it up with prayers for myself and for others and for my country and for the world.
In the silence I will cry in front of Jesus and Mother Mary. Let my tears fall down and devoted them all to the cross.
In the silence, I will learn to let go..to surrender...and to let the tears flow until there is no more of them left.

And if the light will dawn upon me again, just like two days ago in the church, when God has poured in his Love and Strength inside of me, lifting me up in spirit, helping me to say one more time "Thy will be done, I will keep on trying," I might have the strength to look within and fix whatever I've been doing wrong...if there is any.

My neck hurts today. And the emptiness inside is still there.
But there is a bit of energy left and I will continue to survive.
I will try to walk on the path again.

Dear God, whatever it is that I was born here on Earth to do...whatever mistakes I am here to fix within me...I will continue to try to find them and fix them. And I will continue to love...and love...as much as the bit of strength within me allow me to...

Because I really want to go Home.
I miss my Home.
I miss You.