Just Between Me and The Ants

We all made mistakes when we were young, but that is not as important as the willingness to fix it after realizing that we were wrong. I can't call myself a real animal lover, as long as I still have issue with a few species of them. And I guess it's time for a reconciliation.

I remember myself having an enemy when I was in primary school. The enemy was behind my grandmother's house: a colony of red weaver ants. Most of them lived on the trees and  some were scattered on the ground. I don't remember when I started hating them. Maybe I was bitten by a few of them, maybe their faces looked really fierce and unfriendly and they didn't really back away when encountering people, or maybe they stinked, there could be many reasons. Anyway, several times after I came home, I went to that area and just simply stamped my foot upon these red ants, to kill as many of them as possible. When my mother saw what I did, she said "why killing them for no reason? This is not good. It's a sin." But I didn't heed her words, I was at war with these ants and I had to win.

I grew up hating most ants in general, and it seemed (to me at that time) that they hated me too. I would find them everywhere, on my rice plate, in my noodle soup, in my gloss of water, my closet, my towels, here and there..everywhere. They made me want to scream. Although most ants found in my home were the harmless black ones, I still hate them. I remember one particular event. I stared at one single ant inside my closet and poured my hatred upon it. Then I shouted at it "I hate you! I hope you feel it! Tell your friends that I hate all of them! Stop bugging me and my clothes!" That poor ant stood still. I don't know if it was able to feel the wave of hatred coming from me, but it just stood still as if it was confused or something. I didn't kill the ant. But somehow...I never forget that day.

 Some weeks ago I went on a retreat in a Franciscan monastery, a very, very quiet place surrounded with one of the most peaceful gardens I had ever known. The sound of the birds were everywhere, the trees were swaying with the wind, and the air was filled with serenity. I enjoyed seeing so many creatures there, even the snake and the water monitor. During one of my stroll through the garden, I walked across a woodend bridge, going toward the church on the other side. Then I saw them....my old enemy...the red weaver ants. They were walking in a row on the rail of the bridge. I was a bit panic at first, but then I decided to talke a closer look at them, thinking that maybe I can learn to love them a bit more if I just watch them do their daily routine.

Before I continue with the story. Let me tell you that, as an adult, I still dislike ants but I don't hate them anymore.  God told me in my heart that I must learn to love everyone, including the ants. So I tried. I avoided killing them on purpose, trying to brush them away with my hand or napkin, or blowing them away instead. I started telling myself that they just need food to eat and they didn't even know that they were disturbing me. I even felt sympathy toward them sometimes. Nevertheless, there are still some fear and irritation in my feelings toward the ants. But I had never thought that it would become an issue to resolve...until that day.

As I stopped and watched the row of the red ants passing by, I noticed one of the ants suddenly paused right in the middle of its march, turned it head toward my direction as if it was aware of my presence, then it stared at me. It just stared and stared at me continuously as if to say "Are you going to hurt us? Are you the enemy? I will fight you if you try to hurt us." At that moment, guilt flooded into my heart as the memory of the old days came back to me. The days that I enjoyed killing them, so many of them. The day that I stared and poured my hatred on one particular ant and annouced that ants were my enemy. I have been so mean to them, to the ants of the world, particularly to their species. And even today I could not say that I treated most ants very kindly either.

I looked at the red ant and spoke to it in my heart, as if saying a prayer "I promise that I will not do that again. I will not be cruel and hurt you like that again. I will try to be kind with ants from now on. You are not my enemy anymore."

As if acknowledging my thought, the ant turned away and continued with its march.

We cannot pass a lesson without a test.  A few weeks after that event, I was praying in front of Mother Mary's grotto. Suddenly I noticed a red weaver ant standing right on my thigh. I was panic, stood up, and brushed it off quickly, feeling anxious and fearful. In just a few minutes, another red ant was on my thigh. Again, I brushed it off with fear, I could not stand the idea of letting it stay there on my jeans while I was praying. Finally, I prayed to Mother Mary "Oh...please...not the red weaver ants...another species of ants would be fine. I will try to let them be, but not this particular type, please. They scared me."

Mother Mary was so kind. There were no more red ants on my body after that. But a few harmless small black ants came crawling on my prayer book instead. So I did what I promised her, I let them be. Maybe it was the first time that I saw ants crawing on my things and I did not blow them away or brush them off. I tried to just let them be. And it brought such a good feeling afterward!

I know I have not yet fully passed the lesson. And at home, sometimes I still feel very irritated when seeing ants on my plates or bowls of food. But...just a few minutes ago, a few ants were crawling on my computer screen, and I let them be. The amazing thing is...when I decide to let them be...there is a kind of peace coming to my heart and a new thought occuring in my head. "It is really ok. Just let them be." And the feeling of irritation disappeared.

You are not my enemy anymore, little ones.

I want to give up

Different people have different kinds of crosses....some got physical illness, some got family problem, career problem, enemies, accidents, etc.
I rather believe that, beside relationships, my cross include the following:

1. Bad dreams: I can't escape, I can't avoid, if I pray to God to bless my sleep and give me good dreams, then He might give me one, but the rest of the night would be filled with bad dreams just as the same. Good dreams, I mean ones with the Light and the Love in them, hardly find way to my sleep in my older years. My sleep is also my torment, when I have to wake 2-3 times in a day or when I cannot get up at all even late in the morning.

2. Songs in my head: there is a radio that I can hardly turn off in my head. Sometimes I was tortured by all these songs that make me feel really bad or very annoyed. Sometimes they occured out of nowhere. Sometimes they are the music that some people played in their television or radio and I overheard them, then my head would be filled with such music or songs for the rest of the day. It's a torment. Only sometimes I was blessed enough to hear a hymn or a soothing song that have good meaning.

3. Lack of mindfulness and concentration: I can't meditate. I went to meditation courses. I talked to meditation teachers. No use. During day time or during mass or whenever wherever, my thoughts would be somewhere else. It has to think about some thing. It's like a computer that I don't know how to turn off. I have suffered this for years.

My teacher taught me today about how to concentrate during the mass so that I can be with the presence of God.

But what I don't know how to tell him is that...I want to give up. I don't want to try anymore. I've been trying and trying to concentrate...but it seems that my efforts were mostly futile.

The steps he told me to try...I'm thankful for and I'm grateful that he took the time to tell me. But when I listen to these steps, I just can't imagine myself following them rightly. If I can't quiet my mind, which is Step 1, then how can I do the rest? No use to talk to me about trance. That's something far, far away from me like Bangkok to Northpole.

The only hope that I have, really. It's God's grace. I remember there were times...whether in mass or during meditaiton or whatever. God can "give" me concentration. Suddenly it would fall out of nowhere. My body can be exhausted or I might just have a terrible day, but by grace, I would still have concentration. It's a blessing. It's a gift. I can't see it any other way.

So...practice concentration during mass. Well, my teacher, I will keep on trying...but I don't know for how long...it seems that my hope to do anything like that is getting smaller and smaller. I want to give up...because lately the three crosses above feel very heavy to me.   I know they are tiny crosses compared to that of Jesus or some other people. But...I am just a weak one, you see.

A Reflection After Praying the Stations of the Cross

Sometimes after doing the round of stations of the cross, a particular station would stand out and talk to the depth of my heart, bringing me to tears and understanding. I should have recorded them more; they are precious. Here are two messages that I got from the stations of the cross this evening:

"Vernonica wiping His face" this station stood out and talk to me tonight. Jesus'face must have been so bruised, so disfigured, so ugly and dirty. He was there as the lowest type of prisoner, one who was disdained and hated by the crowd. But this one woman, what courage did she have! She dared to stand out and let others know that she cared for Jesus, although He was in the lowest possible position a human being could be at that moment. She was not scared. She did not hide out in the crowd. She risked being hurt by the soldiers when she went to Jesus to wipe his face. This is a gentle and brave act that we should follow.
How many times do we really dare to stand up for God? Do we feel uncomfortable when see a poor and dirty man on the street but doesen't dare to help, fearing that other people will be watching? Do we really dare to tell people from other religions how great and how kind Jesus is? Can we admit to others unbelievers that God has really changed our lives and the fact that becoming Christian is the most important decision we ever made? Do we dare to do anything at all "for God" when that involved being lowly in honor, being small, being unimportant, being unaccepted in other people's eyes?

I admit that I am not as brave as Veronica. I am still a coward. Many times I was a coward. But I will remember the message I receive tonight, and I will remember too, the fact, that Jesus dared to take "the lowest possible position a human being could be" although He is the greatest of us all. Honor, admiration, worldly adoration and acception from other people, He shed them all like clothes, those clothes that He let the soldiers take them away. I mean, God is the greatest, but God let himself fall to the lowest position just to save us and to teach us that....it doesn't matter, my dear. All those things you think important are not matter, Love and Truth will conquer them all.

And the resurrection proved that God was right. All those torment, pain, shame, and death could not last. They passed away like illusion or maya, and there is the new life of Truth waiting for us out there.

Please help me remember always, oh Jesus, how low you let yourself fall so that we can be lifted up. Please help me to care not for fame, honor, reputation of the world. Amen.

A Yearning for Freedom

Dear God,

How I wish to shed my old self and put on the new me
How I wish to break this chain and be joyful and free
How I wish I could really love another person
Instead of being needy, instead of being clingy

Love...does not try to possess or keep someone. 
Love...does not get angry when the other person seems to ignore
Love...just simply want to give, want to share
And in time of sorrow, Love will always be there

 Love neither cling nor demand anything from the beloved. 
Love only desires to see the happy smile of the beloved. 
Love can stay that way, though years and years may pass
It does not wither like passionate feelings that do not last 

My heart is singing this song now ,dear Lord.
A song that floats up to Heaven like a prayer
Please heal me and free my heart, dear Lord.
So that I can really love another person today. 

My heart is longing to fly out there among the stars
Then spread its love everywhere, near and far
My heart is longing to rest in eternal bliss
knowing that nothing can separate Love from it 

Let me become new...I pray
Let me be healed...I pray
Let me shatter my old self into dust
And be nothing but Love today

About Faith and Trust

Tonight, after a long conversation with my teacher late at night with my head a bit dizzy and spinning, at least I've got some thoughts that I want to remember. Maybe one day it will become useful. Actually, the whole bible discussion this evening with another person included was also about this matter: belief, faith, and trust.

It has to come out from deep within you, it can't be done according to theory or dogma. All those people who were healed by Jesus believed in Him. He told them to do something, they did it right away. The Pharisees tried to figure him out by their doctrine (Man of God musn't work on the Sabbath, for example) so they ended up being so blind and could not recognize the Son of God in front of them.

So conclusion number one...faith and belief can't really come from information, knowledge, or tradition. It comes from deep within us, from our spirit.

The more faith one have, the quicker the person can be healed. The army leader believed that his son would be healed just by a word spoken by Jesus,  and it did happen just like that! A woman believed that she would be healed by touching His robe, and she was healed right away! Jesus told the lame man to get up and walk, and he did it, and he was able to walk right at that moment. Actually, Jesus can heal without even having to touch the sick person. With a lot of faith, healing can happen instantly.

Well, I just think it's true for all prayers and petitions. How much do we dare to trust God? If we ask Him for rain tomorrow, will we take an umbrella with us? If we say we believe, then the wind and wave should not discourage us like it did to Peter.

Conclusion number two is...trust means the bird that sings before the dawn. It knows that the dawn is near although it has not seen any sunlight. Without a drop of faith, no miracles can happen.


And...we should trust God like a little child trusting his or her Dad, like two lovers trusting each other so much that they become united as one. If we trust God completely, we will have no fear and the illusion of the world will disappear, and we will see the truth and the glory of God.

As my teacher was speaking about this, I saw a picture in my mind, of a dad waiting for his child to jump down from a tree or go down a slider. The dad says, "come down here, don't worry, I will catch you." I remember such faint memory from the past. It really takes a lot of trust to jump and fall into someone's arms. But it felt very good after I went down the slider and my parent's arms were there to catch me. It wasn't so scary after all and I was ready to go another round.

Then I think of St. Faustina. There is this conversation that she had with Jesus and it really touched me. Jesus told her to jump down and surrender her whole self into His ocean of mercy. Somehow that moment seemed to determine everything. That decision to jump and let go of everything  that she had, everything that defined her.

Then I think of myself. A whole mess of work overdued and past deadlines, but God still command me to do this and that or go here and there for Him. He didn't even allow me to postpone my retreat period. I was worried about my work and I didn't understand why God seem to press everything on me all at once at such a busy time. But then tonight my teacher said, "you have to put what you just learned into practice."

And he was right....

I should trust that if God told me to stop working for a couple of days, He wouldn't ruin my work life. Everything will fall into place. I really should "trust."