I want to give up

Different people have different kinds of crosses....some got physical illness, some got family problem, career problem, enemies, accidents, etc.
I rather believe that, beside relationships, my cross include the following:

1. Bad dreams: I can't escape, I can't avoid, if I pray to God to bless my sleep and give me good dreams, then He might give me one, but the rest of the night would be filled with bad dreams just as the same. Good dreams, I mean ones with the Light and the Love in them, hardly find way to my sleep in my older years. My sleep is also my torment, when I have to wake 2-3 times in a day or when I cannot get up at all even late in the morning.

2. Songs in my head: there is a radio that I can hardly turn off in my head. Sometimes I was tortured by all these songs that make me feel really bad or very annoyed. Sometimes they occured out of nowhere. Sometimes they are the music that some people played in their television or radio and I overheard them, then my head would be filled with such music or songs for the rest of the day. It's a torment. Only sometimes I was blessed enough to hear a hymn or a soothing song that have good meaning.

3. Lack of mindfulness and concentration: I can't meditate. I went to meditation courses. I talked to meditation teachers. No use. During day time or during mass or whenever wherever, my thoughts would be somewhere else. It has to think about some thing. It's like a computer that I don't know how to turn off. I have suffered this for years.

My teacher taught me today about how to concentrate during the mass so that I can be with the presence of God.

But what I don't know how to tell him is that...I want to give up. I don't want to try anymore. I've been trying and trying to concentrate...but it seems that my efforts were mostly futile.

The steps he told me to try...I'm thankful for and I'm grateful that he took the time to tell me. But when I listen to these steps, I just can't imagine myself following them rightly. If I can't quiet my mind, which is Step 1, then how can I do the rest? No use to talk to me about trance. That's something far, far away from me like Bangkok to Northpole.

The only hope that I have, really. It's God's grace. I remember there were times...whether in mass or during meditaiton or whatever. God can "give" me concentration. Suddenly it would fall out of nowhere. My body can be exhausted or I might just have a terrible day, but by grace, I would still have concentration. It's a blessing. It's a gift. I can't see it any other way.

So...practice concentration during mass. Well, my teacher, I will keep on trying...but I don't know for how long...it seems that my hope to do anything like that is getting smaller and smaller. I want to give up...because lately the three crosses above feel very heavy to me.   I know they are tiny crosses compared to that of Jesus or some other people. But...I am just a weak one, you see.