We all made mistakes when we were young, but that is not as important as the willingness to fix it after realizing that we were wrong. I can't call myself a real animal lover, as long as I still have issue with a few species of them. And I guess it's time for a reconciliation.
I remember myself having an enemy when I was in primary school. The enemy was behind my grandmother's house: a colony of red weaver ants. Most of them lived on the trees and some were scattered on the ground. I don't remember when I started hating them. Maybe I was bitten by a few of them, maybe their faces looked really fierce and unfriendly and they didn't really back away when encountering people, or maybe they stinked, there could be many reasons. Anyway, several times after I came home, I went to that area and just simply stamped my foot upon these red ants, to kill as many of them as possible. When my mother saw what I did, she said "why killing them for no reason? This is not good. It's a sin." But I didn't heed her words, I was at war with these ants and I had to win.
I grew up hating most ants in general, and it seemed (to me at that time) that they hated me too. I would find them everywhere, on my rice plate, in my noodle soup, in my gloss of water, my closet, my towels, here and there..everywhere. They made me want to scream. Although most ants found in my home were the harmless black ones, I still hate them. I remember one particular event. I stared at one single ant inside my closet and poured my hatred upon it. Then I shouted at it "I hate you! I hope you feel it! Tell your friends that I hate all of them! Stop bugging me and my clothes!" That poor ant stood still. I don't know if it was able to feel the wave of hatred coming from me, but it just stood still as if it was confused or something. I didn't kill the ant. But somehow...I never forget that day.
Some weeks ago I went on a retreat in a Franciscan monastery, a very, very quiet place surrounded with one of the most peaceful gardens I had ever known. The sound of the birds were everywhere, the trees were swaying with the wind, and the air was filled with serenity. I enjoyed seeing so many creatures there, even the snake and the water monitor. During one of my stroll through the garden, I walked across a woodend bridge, going toward the church on the other side. Then I saw them....my old enemy...the red weaver ants. They were walking in a row on the rail of the bridge. I was a bit panic at first, but then I decided to talke a closer look at them, thinking that maybe I can learn to love them a bit more if I just watch them do their daily routine.
Before I continue with the story. Let me tell you that, as an adult, I still dislike ants but I don't hate them anymore. God told me in my heart that I must learn to love everyone, including the ants. So I tried. I avoided killing them on purpose, trying to brush them away with my hand or napkin, or blowing them away instead. I started telling myself that they just need food to eat and they didn't even know that they were disturbing me. I even felt sympathy toward them sometimes. Nevertheless, there are still some fear and irritation in my feelings toward the ants. But I had never thought that it would become an issue to resolve...until that day.
As I stopped and watched the row of the red ants passing by, I noticed one of the ants suddenly paused right in the middle of its march, turned it head toward my direction as if it was aware of my presence, then it stared at me. It just stared and stared at me continuously as if to say "Are you going to hurt us? Are you the enemy? I will fight you if you try to hurt us." At that moment, guilt flooded into my heart as the memory of the old days came back to me. The days that I enjoyed killing them, so many of them. The day that I stared and poured my hatred on one particular ant and annouced that ants were my enemy. I have been so mean to them, to the ants of the world, particularly to their species. And even today I could not say that I treated most ants very kindly either.
I looked at the red ant and spoke to it in my heart, as if saying a prayer "I promise that I will not do that again. I will not be cruel and hurt you like that again. I will try to be kind with ants from now on. You are not my enemy anymore."
As if acknowledging my thought, the ant turned away and continued with its march.
We cannot pass a lesson without a test. A few weeks after that event, I was praying in front of Mother Mary's grotto. Suddenly I noticed a red weaver ant standing right on my thigh. I was panic, stood up, and brushed it off quickly, feeling anxious and fearful. In just a few minutes, another red ant was on my thigh. Again, I brushed it off with fear, I could not stand the idea of letting it stay there on my jeans while I was praying. Finally, I prayed to Mother Mary "Oh...please...not the red weaver ants...another species of ants would be fine. I will try to let them be, but not this particular type, please. They scared me."
Mother Mary was so kind. There were no more red ants on my body after that. But a few harmless small black ants came crawling on my prayer book instead. So I did what I promised her, I let them be. Maybe it was the first time that I saw ants crawing on my things and I did not blow them away or brush them off. I tried to just let them be. And it brought such a good feeling afterward!
I know I have not yet fully passed the lesson. And at home, sometimes I still feel very irritated when seeing ants on my plates or bowls of food. But...just a few minutes ago, a few ants were crawling on my computer screen, and I let them be. The amazing thing is...when I decide to let them be...there is a kind of peace coming to my heart and a new thought occuring in my head. "It is really ok. Just let them be." And the feeling of irritation disappeared.
You are not my enemy anymore, little ones.
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