Traveling with God to Hong Kong

Before my 3 days 2 nights Hong Kong trip, I prayed to God to that He would accompany me all through it. Praise be to Him, that was exactly what He did.

Since the first day, I learned that I should recognize His sign about where to go and not to go. If I was stubborn to go on my way, follow my own plan, I would most likely end up in disappointing places (like Victoria Peak, spending 3 hours for the queue + the traveling up just to discover that there was a big mall and expensive café on it! And the view up there was not that grand or impressive at night. The zoological and botanical garden wasn’t that impressive, either. It was fine but it has nothing unique, just a park with some plants and animals just like other parks that I had visited in other countries). That first day’s mistake was a great lesson for the other two days. I learned that when God wanted me to go somewhere for sightseeing, He would provide ways and conveniences. Everything would flow so smoothly with all the necessary help. Things would be so easy to find. But if He didn’t want me to go, I would be circling around but couldn’t find my way, and the help from asking other people would be useless. On day 2 and 3, I learned to recognize the signs (but not without mistakes) and I felt so blessed.  There were times when He wanted me to stop all the sightseeing and went straight back to my room and pray. And when I obeyed, I was really blessed.
Going to church was a different lesson. I went to mass everyday when I was there. I couldn’t use the right signs-wrong signs technique, because going to church was something I already know that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes obstacles would be placed on my way toward mass. I would be sweating, having leg aches, and getting so exhausted finding my way there. But when I arrived, I was really blessed too. And I learned that the little suffering that came my way was His gift, so that I could suffer with Him a bit during Lent. I could offer up all of my physical pain to Him.  I went to St. Joseph church twice on this trip, and both times I was blessed with His presence. I went to St. Francis of Assisi church twice, too. And I was blessed because Mother Mary would wake me up in the morning with her song just in time to prepare myself and I would be given the enjoyment of the morning stroll in such a very peaceful area, watching Hong Kong people having their morning routine. 

Since I was traveling during Lent, I had to keep my promise not to eat or drink more than the regular meals, no snacks or favorite drink. But Hong Kong was a great place of temptation of this sort. Markets and food places are abound and you could spend hours walking around one area, seeing this and that or wanting to taste this or drink that. I admitted I slipped a bit, but most of the time I tried my best most of the time to drink and eat just enough to go on with my day, and not to order too much in restaurants. I learned that God didn’t allow me to look for any famous food places or eateries I saw in the guidebook. I had to eat at the place His spirit led me and I would be blessed. I know this may sound really crazy and some people would say it’s all in my mind, but deep inside I knew that I did the right thing when I obeyed and I was blessed with many good food at inexpensive prices.  

Another thing I learned was that the most precious thing could be so near. I don’t have to go a far distance for it. The most interesting sightseeing on this trip was the Mei Ho House heritage museum at my youth hostel. I felt so touched and impressed by the fighting spirit of some Hong Kong people in the past who suffered from the Great Fire and had to rebuild their lives all over again. It was just right inside the next building, ten steps from the hostel door. And it was free!
I also learned that when God allowed or granted me something as a blessing, although it may sound like an unreasonable request, He would show great kindness by allowing me to have them all so easily and I would have enough time for everything else that I have to do. On the last day, just before going to the airport, God was so kind to give me everything that I asked for and I still made it to the airport in time. 

And at night, my sleep sometimes would contain His message. And when I asked Him through the Bible, I was able to understand what He told me. God was really there on my trip and I had nothing to say but forever grateful to Him. The good experience that I had wasn’t at all my doing, but it was His kindness to grant my wish. And I believe that it was by the prayed of the Carmel nuns and some other people who prayed for me about this trip. 

Now…I have to confess. There was darkness on the trip. It had nothing to do with me walking around Hong Kong by myself. It was the great pain and disappointment that I felt when the person who told me that he would accompany me on my flight to and back from Hong King turned out to bring a friend whom I don’t even know and left me waiting at the airport for a long time without showing up. It was the hardest for me on the way back. I just couldn’t find the reason why he did that to me. If I didn’t want to have his company on the airport and on the flight, I wouldn’t have decided to travel this month. I would have chosen another month and kept these 3 days to my regular writing trip in Thailand. He was the one asking me if I wanted to join him during the flight and I was stupid enough to believe that he meant it.

Oh well, actually it was the spiritual wound inside my heart that hurt me. I shouldn’t blame another person. Each one of us has a dark matter or an unhealed / unresolved issue hidden within, and this is mine. To tell the truth, I was preparing my mind to be so nice to the person no matter what happened or even if he didn’t show up, but at the end I couldn’t do it. The pain was too much to bear. The old wound inside was open and kept on bleeding tears and blood and I had to pray all the time during my flight back just to keep myself together. I ended up pouring all my anger on the phone to my best friend. This big stumble destroyed the blessings inside of me that received while I was in Hong Kong. Thanks god, it was cleared away after I did the confession on Sunday, but I must say that it is still an unresolved issue. Only God can help me. Even today I still have to pray that God would protect me from bitterness when I see this person again. I really want to love him with a heart open and free like the sky, but I really can’t when something is not yet healed in my spirit.

Social Phobia

It is not something easy to tell or explain to others. But people really wear me out, naturally. I don't have anything against anyone, I really mean well to all and wish everyone to be happy. It's just that in a situation when I have to be around four or more acquaintances, I would feel stressed or even panic. And sometimes I feel depressed when I come home after a whole day full of social situations. I used to call them "the difficult days" the ones that I have to bite my lips to go through. When they come with time for me to prepare myself, mostly I made it through somehow, though weary. But when they come unexpectedly, oh God, I go crazy because they really torture me!

The night before, God gave me a command: to fix this problem. To build a network.

Well, after the Facebook addiction problem seemed to fade, with I ended up check it once a week, more problems come in for me to fix. I guess this is what  they call "spritual sickness." Something is wrong inside of me, not the body, but the mind. I need some sort of spiritual medicine, exercise, and maybe surgery. Or maybe simple  psycho therapy sessions would do?

I still don't know how to get the problem fixed . All that I can do is just forcing myself to go through type of situation that I hate. But I still don't want any surprises, any shocking surprises. Like, walking into a room, expecting a casual atmosphere, but then see a whole formal seminar room with meeting table, microphones, and a bunch of strangers. Like, someone I know say "do you want a ride with me to go to this beautiful sanctuary" and I say yes, but then it isn't just me and the person I know, but the other total strangers cramp into that car, and then on the way the whole group (except me) decide...let's go eat inside a fancy restaurant. OH MANNNN! I did went crazy on that day. I felt like I was being forced to be there. I have nothing to do with anyone and I was in a non-sociable mood and why do I have to sit here forcing myself to talk to strangers! I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and made some soundless scream and asked God to help me. Otherwise I might ended up walking off from that restaurant and call a taxi home. Or just sit there grumpily and eat nothing.

Today, another social event. Fortunately I went to one of this last year so I know what to expect. A lot of people are there but the situation didn't force me to know everyone. The seats didn't face one another. Just a normal church. Nevertheless,  I still had to force myself to greet the people that I already know (but not close) because it was the right thing to do and because I wanted them to know that I acknowledge their presence, that I love them all (I really do, I mean it).  There were many of them and that really wore me out, I don't know why. I was gradually stressed out and at the end of the day I felt really tired and sad somehow. Thank God, my godmother and her sister sat with me the whole time and I felt a little more safe. At least someone to cling to. The last scary time, the formal seminar room, I had to cling to a lady who was almost a stranger to me. (Thank God she was kind and now I feel more comfortable around her.)

I know this is wrong. This is a problem. This has to be fixed. But how? Well, someone told me "you have to stop being self-conscious" Alright, yes, but how? "You have to learn to connect and live sociably with the community." and blah blah blah! You can say all things but none of what you say is going to help me.

Nothing can help me much in this kind of situation, except GRACE. When God blessed me with some lightness of the spirit, I would feel a lot of love in my heart and I want to share to everyone. Only with God's grace, I can smile and be really happy by the presence of several others that share a meal table with me. Only on days like that...I can pass through scary situations so smoothly and joyfully. Only God's grace can help me overcome myself and pay attention to others and love them in the present moment.

God kindly blessed me with this lightness of spirit during the two wedding ceremonies that I was invited to. I didn't feel sad like some young singles women there did. (Maybe it was because marriage and family life is not what I want anymore, really.) I didn't feel so agitated or nervous that much. I was glad to be there and see the happy face of the bride and enjoyed the company of relatives. That was really strange. The situation was an extreme difficult one for me, but when God was there, everything went smoothly.  

But God's grace doesn't come everyday. So for now, please , no shocking situation.

All Because of the Birdnest

                        (This is not the birdnest on my window, just an example picture)

I have heard that sometimes good causes can drive people to commit a bad action. And this seems to be very true today.

There is a nest of the dove above one of my bedroom window. It has been there for many months. I receive so much blessings from the the birdies there. In mornings that I feel gloomy, their song would help brighten up my day and give me a little more hope to go on. I'm so glad that I can have birds to sing for me everyday without locking them in a cage. And I really pray that they will always have a happy life there on my window. I love them so much.

My parents hired some men to paint our house and today they are about to paint the side that have the birdnest. My father asked if there are any eggs in the nest, if there are none he would let the painters take it down. My mother seemed to agree. That drove me crazy! A rage was built up inside of me and then exploded. I shouted out loud that I didn't want anyone to bother the birds. It's their home, and I've seen little birds in this nest before. I let my temper got the best of me. I stamped my feet on the stairs and I yelled my opinion out.

The final outcome, the birdnest was safe, my father put his hand inside the nest and there were eggs in it, so they didn't let the painter take it down. However, I  made my mother angry so much by my shouting. Her anger stayed throughout the day and I felt really bad of myself. I knew I was wrong for expressing my opinion with such a rage and temper. I was so worried about the birds, forgetting to pray to God and believe that if it is His will, they would be safe anyway. Instead of using reason and soft-spoken words to express what I think and feel about the situation, I let the demon of anger reigned inside me and caused a damage to relationship.

Loving and caring for the birds and the animals that share our world is a good thing, but caring for the feeling of my parents is also important too. I am sorry for what happened and I will count this as a lesson learned today.

Pride Monster Luring Its Head

This is just a short note to remind myself that I need to try to be more humble.
In the meet-up group that I joined, I found that a lot of time the ego and pride in myself came out and I started to suspect and doubt a lot of things. I judged people in my mind without realizing it.  At the same time, something in my heart told me that many people here have a lot of knowlege and spiritual experience much more than I do and they earn the respect. Nevertheless, it seems that the monster in me just wouldn't let me humble my heart. So, it is a challenge for the future. I need to try being small and need to pray for it.

But actually, I can be thankful that they help me see the sin in myself. I can never grow up if I don't accept it.

Time to Face the Fears

I notice that lately life has led me into situations that I have to deal with my fear and panic. One thing I learned was that the first time can be very horrible but the second time can get better, which means that it is better to keep trying to face the fear instead of always running away from it. However, I also learn that facing fears is easier if I am willing to. If I am forced to or being duped to, then the situation will feel even worse and all I want to do is running away.

I am afraid of needles but I want to donate blood, so I had to try twice because the first time I chickened out just before they were about to begin the needle process. I returned to the Red Cross building on the next day. Knowing what to expect can help a lot, and my own determination to do it helped me get through to the end. I was shaking, almost fainted, but still trying to smile through it all. But the most important thing was, no one forced me to do it. I really wanted to do it although I knew that I would suffer, because God told me in my heart one night to go there and do this. I think that was the most important thing.

I hate being in a formal meeting room or a luxurious restaurant with people that I do not know well. I hate long tables that face one another, which allow the people that sit in front of you to stare right at you the whole time. I hate that kind of situation very much. Then, yesterday I had to go to a seminar without knowing in advance that the room I would be entering would look like that. I imagined a small group with a casual atmosphere, and desks that face the front of the room. I was shocked, panic, and angry once I found out what kind of situation I was in. If I knew in advance, I would have had declined the invitiation, or at least I would have prepared myself better. I was thinking that I would leave right at the lunch break. However, the lecture turned out very interesting and I remembered that the night before, I did ask, and it seemed that God want me to go. So I decided to stay, facing an even bigger shock in the restaurant of the hotel, all tables are big full of strangers facing one another. I felt angry inside and I felt very pressured and panic. But fortunately the person sitting next to me was kind, so I got better after a while.

Next day, another small group discussion in a room less formal but with a U-shape meeting table. Oh, I hate it. But the fear seems to lessen down. The second time is always better. Some sharings in the group was meaningful and useful for me, although I don't like the atmosphere at all. So I decided that I might go back again, but it is just a...might or maybe.

In conclusion,I think the most important thing of fear facing is the willingness to do it, and the biggest obstacles are the anger and the unwillingness. "Why do I have to be here?! They fooled me to come here! There's nothing for me to do here!" Once this kind of thought got in, I would try to leave the situation almost immediately. But if somehow deep down in my heart I have a reason why I should go through such suffering and I am willing to do it, the fear seems to subside after a while.

Anyway.....I still don't like such situations and will not force myself to like it. The next time this group of people asked me to go anywhere, I would be sure to check whether I really want to do it, whether it is something that I really want to participate in. I don't think there is any reason to suffer for nothing. But if the the activity or the topic interests me or if it is something I can be useful or helpful, then I will prepare my mind before I go.

I hope there will be no more of fear-facing things coming ahead...but you never know what God has in stored. (Sigh!)

"There is a dream" (poem)

There is a dream...lying deep under this blue water

It's been there for years and years

It's been there with hopes and fears

I can forget it for a while, dear Lord

But I can never remove it, dear Lord

Far too deep, far too long

And I have never been that strong

How sweet such a dream can be

How precious it has been to me

And now I am scared

So terribly scared

that it will come between us, my Lord

Nothing in the universe is real, but You

Nothing can truly satisfy a human soul, but You

All these, I know….

But no one ever told me

Why such a dream had to be placed so deep

If it’s something I can never own or keep

Oh…foolish me, foolish me

Every time I try to grab it

The illusion breaks me into peaces

Oh…foolish me, foolish me

Every time I try to touch it

The illusion vanishes into darkness

But have mercy, oh Heaven

For every time

That I try to forget or forsake it

A knife cuts right into the middle of my heart

And life becomes a desert of hopelessness and sorrow

Is this what some people say

It’s the way…it’s the way?

Is this what some people mean

To really live…you must die today?

But since pain can never be avoided

To reach for the dream and die from illusion

Or to let it go and die from despair

Then I should just trust You

Trust that You know me more than I do

Trust that you are the Unchanging Love

And that Your promises are always true

I will let this whirlpool of sorrow drown me

I will walk the cave of darkness

And trust You even though I cannot see

Don’t know how long, don’t know when

But one day, yes, one day

You will become everything to me

You will be my onlymy dream...at the end

My Facebook Addiction

What a shame! I've escaped "Farmville" computer game addiction for good (by God's help actually) but now I got stuck with Facebook instead! Life in the modern world is dangerous indeed.

Since I got a smart phone, Facebook has been vert easy to access all day and I began to notice my addiction to it. Now I understand why some people on the bus, on the train, or on the street just keep staring at the square screen in their hand and almost never look up to see the world or notice other people.

I think these are the main reasons that people get addict to facebook:
- To feel that someone notice us, accept us and to feel that we are not alone.
- To tell others about who we are
- To vent out our pain and anger
- To feel useful by giving advice to others.
- To forget the problems of our life (at least for a while)

Actually there are worse cases, too. Some people use facebook to compare their lives with other people's life. Some use it to attack others verbally, or to sneak-peak the life of others and talk behind their back, etc. But these are not my reasons of using facebook, so I'm not going to discuss about it.  

In my case, I began to get worried about the condition when I noticed myself using facebook so many times a day. Before I start working on my computer, while I was working on my computer, and after I was working on my computer. Then later, I used it while I was on the street, on the taxi, on the boat. Then sometimes I even let myself be late for something important just because I want to check facebook first. I check it in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, at night. And I started to think...oh God..I'm crazy!

I began to notice also that while I was using it, I totally forgot about the world. Facebook is like something that can absorb me into it. I would be so emotionally and mentally involved that for a while I did not even notice how long the time has passed. Even worse, sometimes I logged into Facebook so automatically that I was not aware while I was doing it. It seems that my hand is possessed. Keep it on the computer board for a while, it will click  facebook. Keep it on the mobile screen for a while, it will press the icon facebook. It is truly something like insanity, actually.

Then I noticed, that after I use it, I've been thinking too much it too. My head would be full of the stories from facebook, about the thing that I just post, about this person's point of view and that person's life story and all the trivial things that should not be messing around in my head.

So, I now I better admit to the truth. Posting on facebook and see if people will clik 'like' or how they would comment, in one aspect, is just a way of seeking attention. Sharing opinions and thoughts is not a bad thing, but when you start getting agitated about reaction from others, now that's a bad thing.

Clicking "like" on people's post is like a time-consuming worthless activity. Sometimes I do it just to say "hey, I'm here, I'm still your friend, I approve you so you better approve me." Sometimes I do it just to escape into another world and forget my world for a while. It is something that I can just keep on doing, although pointlessly, until so much time has passed. And I thought, isn't it great? I've got so much information today about the world and other people! But then when I came to think about it...how many times those information made me feel down or worried...how many times they are lies....how many times they are full of temptations for the worldly pleasure...how many times they caused me to sin. And even harmless information can mess around in my head for so long that it does not have any space to hear what God has to say.

But I will say...still...that facebook has its benefits too if you use it and don't get addicted to it. People share good and useful information, people helped one another, comfort and console one another through facebook. Relatives and families living faraway from one another can keep in touch through facebook and that means it is a tool that serves Love as well. Sometimes I've got inspiration from some good facebook pages that helped me a lot during the day. Sometimes I was lifted by a friend's consoling words through facebook and sometimes I helped them in their bad day through facebook as well.

Nevertheless, I am serious about my addiction condition, because it is severe. Right now I tried to reduce the time spent on it even more than before. At first I thought that two times a day (five minutes each) would help, but after a while it did not work. Now I cut it down to two times a week, and if it still does not work, I will totally withdraw myself from it, shutting down my account if I have to.

Time in life is so precious. I can't waste them any more because I've been wasting so much, I don't know how much I have left.