Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Find a new home
Thoughts.com seems like a good home to me. Got myself a new name. Got my own space to write. Get to see some people with crazy thoughts like me. Already feel much at peace with my new home. My resting place...from now one...will be only for the general topic. All personal and complicated one will be moved there. At least, my post wouldn't look so weird up there.
MOVE MY BLOG
I think I will move my blog now. I somehow feel weird to see all these posts appearing on other people's pages. I shouldn't have connected it with the google account. Sorry if I have disturbed you with some of my very personal thoughts.
On Death and Suicide
It's strange. The thought has not really left my head, although I'm much better now. I'm on pills. But death is still somehow...being kept on a shelf, as the last tool. I don't think I will use it any time soon but, still, it's there. I have also thought of another method of doing it...in a more romantic way...floating in the place that I love the most...thinking the thought that I love the most...then sleep and die. Better than being in a locked room with gas, maybe.
Today, I just want to make a reflection on death and suicide because I hear someone else talking about it, I hear another person's pain. I just happened to listen to a song called "Blue October" by Black Orchid. Truly, one of the saddest songs I ever heard.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=black+orchid+blue+october
It makes me think of another Thai song, equally as sad. "Alone in the Wind" the woman is a bird with broken wing who wishes no longer to fly, she doesn't even want to see the sky, she only wants to rest forever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWKb5vpgKtA
These two songs make me think of all the suicide cases in the world. Day by day, many of us just give up and let go. Life can really run out of its meaning, run out of its happiness, run out of hope. And although it's the truth that every new day, we never know what is waiting ahead of us. There can be good things, yes, but well, when a person have faced dark days connected in a row for months, for years, and the darkness actually recide in his or her soul, how can that person hope for a sunshine day?
So far, I must consider myself lucky for darkness came to me in a period but it was lifted away just in time before I fell apart. I don't know what would become of me if it didn't stop. In my life, I've talked to suicidal people before. The darkness, for them, doesn't stop. It's there everyday. It bites into their thoughts, their feelings, their soul. No words from anyone can help them come up from this pit. It's such a deep darkness. If one has not been locked in this kind of hopless darkness, one can never understand. People would say "just get up and shake the blue away." Oh...they just don't know. They really don't know what it feels like.
I think back to the days of darkness. When it's getting really dark. No advice from anyone could help. The only two things that might still help in such time is God and Love. Really.
It means that you can pray for them and you can love them. Don't try to give advice, don't try to change their thoughts, don't preach anything, just love them. Just show them love in any form understandable to them. And then pray and pray.
Many people prayed for me in my hours of darkness and I'm grateful for them.
And during my dark depressive time, one thing that could lift me up is my mother's sweet smile in the morning when she come to get me from my bed. It worked on my heart better than any medicine.
I don't know when a dark storm will come again, and actually I'm not equipped to face another battle. So many questions unanswered. My faith and trust in God are still weak. Life still posts threats on me. Some dead ends seem looming ahead in the distance. I guess I haven't got it all figured out. I hope that I will be able to, one day, before I reach up on a shelf in the back of my heart and get the 'death' tool. But I promise myself that I will use any other tools I could ever find before I use that last tool.
There is one good thing about being depressed and suicidal, in my case. I don't know if I've written about this before somewhere, but it is the truth that happens inside me. I could feel my soul connected to the souls of those who are in deep sadness, despair, and want to die. I could feel them in their ocean of darkness and my soul automatically sends out love and prayer to them in such a deep, deep way that I can't normally do. My tears would run down my cheek and the pain would churn up in my stomache but somehow...when I feel this connection, I also feel a light within. It's so strange. It can only happen sometimes. But it's so true. I'm thankful that sometimes even in darkness God gives me a chance to...love.
Today, I just want to make a reflection on death and suicide because I hear someone else talking about it, I hear another person's pain. I just happened to listen to a song called "Blue October" by Black Orchid. Truly, one of the saddest songs I ever heard.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=black+orchid+blue+october
It makes me think of another Thai song, equally as sad. "Alone in the Wind" the woman is a bird with broken wing who wishes no longer to fly, she doesn't even want to see the sky, she only wants to rest forever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWKb5vpgKtA
These two songs make me think of all the suicide cases in the world. Day by day, many of us just give up and let go. Life can really run out of its meaning, run out of its happiness, run out of hope. And although it's the truth that every new day, we never know what is waiting ahead of us. There can be good things, yes, but well, when a person have faced dark days connected in a row for months, for years, and the darkness actually recide in his or her soul, how can that person hope for a sunshine day?
So far, I must consider myself lucky for darkness came to me in a period but it was lifted away just in time before I fell apart. I don't know what would become of me if it didn't stop. In my life, I've talked to suicidal people before. The darkness, for them, doesn't stop. It's there everyday. It bites into their thoughts, their feelings, their soul. No words from anyone can help them come up from this pit. It's such a deep darkness. If one has not been locked in this kind of hopless darkness, one can never understand. People would say "just get up and shake the blue away." Oh...they just don't know. They really don't know what it feels like.
I think back to the days of darkness. When it's getting really dark. No advice from anyone could help. The only two things that might still help in such time is God and Love. Really.
It means that you can pray for them and you can love them. Don't try to give advice, don't try to change their thoughts, don't preach anything, just love them. Just show them love in any form understandable to them. And then pray and pray.
Many people prayed for me in my hours of darkness and I'm grateful for them.
And during my dark depressive time, one thing that could lift me up is my mother's sweet smile in the morning when she come to get me from my bed. It worked on my heart better than any medicine.
I don't know when a dark storm will come again, and actually I'm not equipped to face another battle. So many questions unanswered. My faith and trust in God are still weak. Life still posts threats on me. Some dead ends seem looming ahead in the distance. I guess I haven't got it all figured out. I hope that I will be able to, one day, before I reach up on a shelf in the back of my heart and get the 'death' tool. But I promise myself that I will use any other tools I could ever find before I use that last tool.
There is one good thing about being depressed and suicidal, in my case. I don't know if I've written about this before somewhere, but it is the truth that happens inside me. I could feel my soul connected to the souls of those who are in deep sadness, despair, and want to die. I could feel them in their ocean of darkness and my soul automatically sends out love and prayer to them in such a deep, deep way that I can't normally do. My tears would run down my cheek and the pain would churn up in my stomache but somehow...when I feel this connection, I also feel a light within. It's so strange. It can only happen sometimes. But it's so true. I'm thankful that sometimes even in darkness God gives me a chance to...love.
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Religions and God
During this time of faith crisis, I have to separate between God and religions. I don't mix them anymore. God will always be the same and He doesn't reside in only one religion and this thought brings me peace.
I am still considering whether to go back to The Church or to try back up to the main Christian line. I guess I will let God lead me. At least I still find some peace now with Him. I have come to realize and trust that God will continue to love me even when I don't go to church. Something inside me says that I must not try to believe anything that my heart doens't naturally find peace with it. I will stop believing most of the private revelations in the Catholic church for now. It brought me to the criss of my faith. I might continue to go Church but I will not believe whatever my heart doesn't want to. I will not join most special devotions from now on unless I really want to. And I will consider leaving all the rosaries and statues and chaplets...for deep inside I find that it is similar to idolatry somehow. Well, I have not made up my mind yet. Maybe I'll use them as tools if God tells me so. But to tell the truth...I miss the simplicity when God is the Eternal Love that resides in my heart and needs no object to locate Himself...the time when God is not in any statues or rosaries. I miss that simplicity and I long for it.
Jesus will continue to be my only Saviour. Certainly I will never go back to Buddhism, at least not the main line of Buddhism in my country. I've lived with it all through my childhood and teenage years, I didn't get much help from it although the theory and teachings sound very reasonable and real. I don't say that it's bad, though. It's just that I can't profit from it. I need a saviour and Jesus will continue to be the one I rely on for His grace alone can save me.
I love reading NDE accounts that shows God as a great love with no boundary. God that most people experience at their time of temporary death seem to be very neutral and have no religion preference at all. And they all said His love is truly "unconditinnal." I have problem reading some NDE accounts that seem to promote a specific religion or doctrines of a religion and I choose not to believe them. And I will not believe anyone who told me that GOd the Father is a beared old man with a globe in his hand, either.
My spiritual conditions are very bad these days. I feel weak after I haven't taken communion for 2 weeks. I stopped going to church, going to devotions, going to confessions...just to find out if God still loves me even when I do that. And it turns out that He still loves me indeed. Now, that brings much more peace and I can go back to church on the day that I've planned, if I choose to continue experiment with this religion. If God said that it's good for me, then I'll go. But I will not return as the same person. I will not believe all the things they told me, I will choose to believe only what my heart believes, or until God really did change my mind so.
I am still considering whether to go back to The Church or to try back up to the main Christian line. I guess I will let God lead me. At least I still find some peace now with Him. I have come to realize and trust that God will continue to love me even when I don't go to church. Something inside me says that I must not try to believe anything that my heart doens't naturally find peace with it. I will stop believing most of the private revelations in the Catholic church for now. It brought me to the criss of my faith. I might continue to go Church but I will not believe whatever my heart doesn't want to. I will not join most special devotions from now on unless I really want to. And I will consider leaving all the rosaries and statues and chaplets...for deep inside I find that it is similar to idolatry somehow. Well, I have not made up my mind yet. Maybe I'll use them as tools if God tells me so. But to tell the truth...I miss the simplicity when God is the Eternal Love that resides in my heart and needs no object to locate Himself...the time when God is not in any statues or rosaries. I miss that simplicity and I long for it.
Jesus will continue to be my only Saviour. Certainly I will never go back to Buddhism, at least not the main line of Buddhism in my country. I've lived with it all through my childhood and teenage years, I didn't get much help from it although the theory and teachings sound very reasonable and real. I don't say that it's bad, though. It's just that I can't profit from it. I need a saviour and Jesus will continue to be the one I rely on for His grace alone can save me.
I love reading NDE accounts that shows God as a great love with no boundary. God that most people experience at their time of temporary death seem to be very neutral and have no religion preference at all. And they all said His love is truly "unconditinnal." I have problem reading some NDE accounts that seem to promote a specific religion or doctrines of a religion and I choose not to believe them. And I will not believe anyone who told me that GOd the Father is a beared old man with a globe in his hand, either.
My spiritual conditions are very bad these days. I feel weak after I haven't taken communion for 2 weeks. I stopped going to church, going to devotions, going to confessions...just to find out if God still loves me even when I do that. And it turns out that He still loves me indeed. Now, that brings much more peace and I can go back to church on the day that I've planned, if I choose to continue experiment with this religion. If God said that it's good for me, then I'll go. But I will not return as the same person. I will not believe all the things they told me, I will choose to believe only what my heart believes, or until God really did change my mind so.
ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
Thinking back to some of my childhood's sorrowful moments, I remember myself many times wishes to be away from my house, to live somewhere else and never have to return. I think one of the reasons is that I could not find privacy in my own house. It is so connected to other people's houses and no matter what I talked or did, other people would know because we have no space in between.
The same situation still continues. And that is the reason why leaving the house to stay somewhere else on my own every month at least for 3 nights is like the most precious thing to me. It's claustophobic around here. People just talked about other people's business and some people judged me in depth of my personality even they don't even know me or hardly ever talked to me at all.
Privacy is important to a child, I guess. When it was deprived, she will always keep on seeking for it even when she's already an adult. Maybe that is why I seem to have some kinds of wall between myself and others most of the time. Something inside of me just keeps screaming "let me be alone and let my business be my business!". Years of my letters being opened before it reaches my hand, my phone being listened to on the other side of the line, my private diary being read without permission, those years...I guess....still haunt me.
Last night I felt that someone close to my house tried to listen to what I was doing again. And it felt so horrible...really.
And I can here myself making this wishes into the sky again "One day I'll fly away...one day I'll be be out of here."
For now...I will build more walls. Can't help it. I have to.
The same situation still continues. And that is the reason why leaving the house to stay somewhere else on my own every month at least for 3 nights is like the most precious thing to me. It's claustophobic around here. People just talked about other people's business and some people judged me in depth of my personality even they don't even know me or hardly ever talked to me at all.
Privacy is important to a child, I guess. When it was deprived, she will always keep on seeking for it even when she's already an adult. Maybe that is why I seem to have some kinds of wall between myself and others most of the time. Something inside of me just keeps screaming "let me be alone and let my business be my business!". Years of my letters being opened before it reaches my hand, my phone being listened to on the other side of the line, my private diary being read without permission, those years...I guess....still haunt me.
Last night I felt that someone close to my house tried to listen to what I was doing again. And it felt so horrible...really.
And I can here myself making this wishes into the sky again "One day I'll fly away...one day I'll be be out of here."
For now...I will build more walls. Can't help it. I have to.
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
Feeling like the "Brazil" today!
My heart went out in sympathy for all the people of Brazil today, particularly the football players and the coach. It must be a shame they have to bear, a feeling that they have let their whole country down gravely.
Coincidentally, today I am also a big loser. I made another terrible mistake, which I had already made twice before in the recent past weeks, making myself look like one of the most irresponsible people. I feel so embarrassed and guilty and then I think of them...the Brazilian football team. They must feel so terrible but the game must go on, and the match for third place still wait for them. They did their best, but they couldn't make it. I did my best and I couldn't make it too.
No matter what, life still goes on. What has been done is done and I can't go back to fix anything in the past. I have to accept the shame, carry the embarrassment, saying to them that I am sorry and that it was my mistake, and I must try again. I must complete the course although it means a lot more suffering waiting ahead.
My heart goes out to you...the Brazilian. Keep going. Keep trying.
Coincidentally, today I am also a big loser. I made another terrible mistake, which I had already made twice before in the recent past weeks, making myself look like one of the most irresponsible people. I feel so embarrassed and guilty and then I think of them...the Brazilian football team. They must feel so terrible but the game must go on, and the match for third place still wait for them. They did their best, but they couldn't make it. I did my best and I couldn't make it too.
No matter what, life still goes on. What has been done is done and I can't go back to fix anything in the past. I have to accept the shame, carry the embarrassment, saying to them that I am sorry and that it was my mistake, and I must try again. I must complete the course although it means a lot more suffering waiting ahead.
My heart goes out to you...the Brazilian. Keep going. Keep trying.
Sunday, 6 July 2014
A Letter from A Sheep to The Shepherd
Dear Shepherd,
First of all, I'm still grateful that you went all the way to pick me up when I was lost that day. However, lately I have been doubting your promise that you will always keep me safe from the wolves and you will always feed me. The path that you have led me these past few weeks seem very dry and very scary, and I can't see your hand at all.
So, you may think that I am doing a very stupid thing, but I will do it anyway. I am now going toward the edge of a fence, near where the wolves are. I want to see if you will come and pick me up again. I want to know that your love and your promises are real. So I am not going to move anywhere until you come. I will wait here. And if you won't come, I will go off the fence and let the wolves kill me.
Dear Shepherd, I am doing all of this because I want to hear one you say one more time that you love me. I want to know that if I am lost again will you really find me. I promise that if you come for me, next time, I will try to have more patience to walk on dry mountains when you lead me. I will try to join the other sheep, too, although I am not used to living in a flock at all. I've been living alone for so long.
So I will wait here...please come to find me, save me, and feed me....and tell me one more time that you love me.
From a silly, spoiled, and stubborn sheep in your flock
P.S. Please tell my teacher that I'm still angry at him.
First of all, I'm still grateful that you went all the way to pick me up when I was lost that day. However, lately I have been doubting your promise that you will always keep me safe from the wolves and you will always feed me. The path that you have led me these past few weeks seem very dry and very scary, and I can't see your hand at all.
So, you may think that I am doing a very stupid thing, but I will do it anyway. I am now going toward the edge of a fence, near where the wolves are. I want to see if you will come and pick me up again. I want to know that your love and your promises are real. So I am not going to move anywhere until you come. I will wait here. And if you won't come, I will go off the fence and let the wolves kill me.
Dear Shepherd, I am doing all of this because I want to hear one you say one more time that you love me. I want to know that if I am lost again will you really find me. I promise that if you come for me, next time, I will try to have more patience to walk on dry mountains when you lead me. I will try to join the other sheep, too, although I am not used to living in a flock at all. I've been living alone for so long.
So I will wait here...please come to find me, save me, and feed me....and tell me one more time that you love me.
From a silly, spoiled, and stubborn sheep in your flock
P.S. Please tell my teacher that I'm still angry at him.
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