On Death and Suicide

It's strange. The thought has not really left my head, although I'm much better now. I'm on pills. But death is still somehow...being kept on a shelf, as the last tool. I don't think I will use it any time soon but, still, it's there. I have also thought of another method of doing it...in a more romantic way...floating in the place that I love the most...thinking the thought that I love the most...then sleep and die. Better than being in a locked room with gas, maybe.

Today, I just want to make a reflection on death and suicide because I hear someone else talking about it, I hear another person's pain. I just happened to listen to a song called "Blue October" by Black Orchid. Truly, one of the saddest songs I ever heard.
 http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=black+orchid+blue+october

It makes me think of another Thai song, equally as sad. "Alone in the Wind" the woman is a bird with broken wing who wishes no longer to fly, she doesn't even want to see the sky, she only wants to rest forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWKb5vpgKtA

These two songs make me think of all the suicide cases in the world. Day by day, many of us just give up and let go. Life can really run out of its meaning, run out of its happiness, run out of hope. And although it's the truth that every new day, we never know what is waiting ahead of us. There can be good things, yes, but well, when a person have faced dark days connected in a row for months, for years, and the darkness actually recide in his or her soul, how can that person hope for a sunshine day?

So far, I must consider myself lucky for darkness came to me in a period but it was lifted away just in time before I fell apart. I don't know what would become of me if it didn't stop. In my life, I've talked to suicidal people before. The darkness, for them, doesn't stop. It's there everyday. It bites into their thoughts, their feelings, their soul. No words from anyone can help them come up from this pit. It's such a deep darkness. If one has not been locked in this kind of hopless darkness, one can never understand. People would say "just get up and shake the blue away." Oh...they just don't know. They really don't know what it feels like.

I think back to the days of darkness. When it's getting really dark. No advice from anyone could help. The only two things that might still help in such time is God and Love. Really.
It means that you can pray for them and you can love them. Don't try to give advice, don't try to change their thoughts, don't preach anything, just love them. Just show them love in any form understandable to them. And then pray and pray.

Many people prayed for me in my hours of darkness and I'm grateful for them.

And during my dark depressive time, one thing that could lift me up is my mother's sweet smile in the morning when she come to get me from my bed. It worked on my heart better than any medicine.

I don't know when a dark storm will come again, and actually I'm not equipped to face another battle. So many questions unanswered. My faith and trust in God are still weak. Life still posts threats on me. Some dead ends seem looming ahead in the distance. I guess I haven't got it all figured out. I hope that I will be able to, one day, before I reach up on a shelf in the back of my heart and get the 'death' tool. But I promise myself that I will use any other tools I could ever find before I use that last tool.

There is one good thing about being depressed and suicidal, in my case. I don't know if I've written about this before somewhere, but it is the truth that happens inside me. I could feel my soul connected to the souls of those who are in deep sadness, despair, and want to die. I could feel them in their ocean of darkness and my soul automatically sends out love and prayer to them in such a deep, deep way that I can't normally do. My tears would run down my cheek and the pain would churn up in my stomache but somehow...when I feel this connection, I also feel a light within. It's so strange. It can only happen sometimes. But it's so true. I'm thankful that sometimes even in darkness God gives me a chance to...love.