In one of my recent posts, I asked the question "what should I do if there is no love inside us to share with others?" And it seemed to me at that time, that God sent them through other people's kindness and friendliness. Love can be sent and received. One can pour and share their love into the heart of others. When one person is loved, then that person will have love to share with others as well. It can be sent around, circulated like blood flowing. But since last night, I also realize that love is always deep within us. It has never left. It's just buried within.
Even in my dry and depressed state of mind, when I heard on the phone that my beloved is going through dark despair, suddenly my love sprang up from within, although there was much hurt from the past and much troubles in our relationship. It seems to mean nothing. All that I want to do is just love him and do anything to make him feel better.
Then memories came to my mind, that even in my depressive state, when I saw a ragged person on the street, having no home, no new clothes to wear, or not even shoes, I still pray for them anyway. Although my heart is bitter with God, after seeing someone in such painful state, I can't help praying anyway.
So, love is never really gone or dry up. It is buried deep within. It takes something to push it out. That's a good discovery. And it seems to match totally to what my beloved used to teach me and to what the book "Love Without End" (Glenda Green) is talking about.
I'm glad I learn this. I will try to remember.
Tuesday, 31 March 2015
Thursday, 26 March 2015
Messages some people share with me
I forgot to post down a couple of good messages some Godly people share with me. Although lately I've been very weak, both physical and emotional, that I don't know whether they would be much help to my spirit, I believe these messages are true.
1. The Path of The Lord is a beautiful rose surrounded with thorn. You need to go through the thorn before you can get to the rose.
2. When pain and suffering overwhem you, cast yourself down before the feet of Jesus in total surrender, then Peace beyond this world will overflow you.
3. When in pain and suffering, be thankful and let go. Trust that God knows what is best for us. Trust that God is full of love and He will never give anything bad to His children. He will give only the best things to His children. We may not see or understand, but God knows and understands all things, and He loves much more than we can ever imagine. Just "TRUST" Him.
Number 1 and number 3 is clealy supported by the Bible.
- Jesus himself said that "Carry your own cross and follow me." He never said that we can walk with Him without any burden, He just said that His "yoke and burden" that we will have to carry is rather easy and light. (Matthew 16:24; Matthew 11:30)
- God said that His Way and His Knowledge is beyond our way and our knowledge. Jesus also said that if human father knows how to give good things to his children, how much more that our Father in Heaven would give to His children. If He cares and feed each of the sparrow that worth a few pennies, He would care and provide for His children much more than that. His apostle also said that all things work out for good to those who loves the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8; Luke 11:13; Matthew 10:29-31; Roman 8:28)
I have a bit problem with message number 2, though, because in the Bible it says that all we have to do is just pray and send petition to the Lord and not worry, then Peace beyond this world will guard our heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Phillipian 4:6-9) I don't see "cast yourself down before the Lord" part anywhere in the Bible that I can remember.
Well, but any sinners who came to Jesus feet and ask for help never go without receiving help, so we can bet on that part. We can see that in many many places in the Gospels.
So, these are good things some people shared with me, so I share them here.
But I do have problems when I put them in practice. Will analyze that later.
1. The Path of The Lord is a beautiful rose surrounded with thorn. You need to go through the thorn before you can get to the rose.
2. When pain and suffering overwhem you, cast yourself down before the feet of Jesus in total surrender, then Peace beyond this world will overflow you.
3. When in pain and suffering, be thankful and let go. Trust that God knows what is best for us. Trust that God is full of love and He will never give anything bad to His children. He will give only the best things to His children. We may not see or understand, but God knows and understands all things, and He loves much more than we can ever imagine. Just "TRUST" Him.
Number 1 and number 3 is clealy supported by the Bible.
- Jesus himself said that "Carry your own cross and follow me." He never said that we can walk with Him without any burden, He just said that His "yoke and burden" that we will have to carry is rather easy and light. (Matthew 16:24; Matthew 11:30)
- God said that His Way and His Knowledge is beyond our way and our knowledge. Jesus also said that if human father knows how to give good things to his children, how much more that our Father in Heaven would give to His children. If He cares and feed each of the sparrow that worth a few pennies, He would care and provide for His children much more than that. His apostle also said that all things work out for good to those who loves the Lord. (Isaiah 55:8; Luke 11:13; Matthew 10:29-31; Roman 8:28)
I have a bit problem with message number 2, though, because in the Bible it says that all we have to do is just pray and send petition to the Lord and not worry, then Peace beyond this world will guard our heart and mind in Christ Jesus. (Phillipian 4:6-9) I don't see "cast yourself down before the Lord" part anywhere in the Bible that I can remember.
Well, but any sinners who came to Jesus feet and ask for help never go without receiving help, so we can bet on that part. We can see that in many many places in the Gospels.
So, these are good things some people shared with me, so I share them here.
But I do have problems when I put them in practice. Will analyze that later.
Wednesday, 25 March 2015
Thoughts on (blasphemous?) songs I used to sing
Almost twenty years ago, I wasn't yet a believer. I saw a music video "One Of Us" by Joan Osborne and I found it interesting. Well, I absolutely had no clue who God was back then. And the music video seemed to present pictures of imperfect human in their daily life, and the song seemed to claim that maybe God is like us, sad and lonely, we should sympathize and feel sorry for Him just as for the rest of humanity. I even sang that song with my sister sometimes. She likes it.
But now it's not back then. This song scares me. It is like a temptation to make people look that "Are you sure God is good and great?" "Are you sure he's not a slob?" "Do you really want to believe in things like Heaven and the Saints and all the prophets?"
Well, it scares me because.
1. I found out the truth that God is really good and great. And there is no way He could be a slop. Heaven is for real. (although I still have not yet totally embraced the idea of saints and prophets but I give it more than 90% for because of the examples of what I see in real life.)
2. It's nothing wrong to wonder who God is and what He's like. But why...the author of the song would thought God is a slob and a lonely old man if he or she hasn't yet known Him? Why would one sing this song out in the media so that others would question God too? I mean...they must have something a little bit...uh...against Him. When I wasn't a believer, my view of God was rather neutral. But the person who wrote this song seem to intrique other people to have negative view on God. The song seems to create an impression of God as weak being, God as pathetic being. Oh well, now that's scary.
Another song I used to like very much is "Hallelujah." originally writen by Leornard Cohen. To tell the truth, I used to like this song very much. Some performance of the song can almsot make you cry. It communicates so much sadness in the heart. However, I just read the whole lyrics last night. I was shocked. I used to think that there must be no harm in this song for it was used in "Shrek" a film for children. But I was wrong. I searched throughly on the internet, some people seemed to agree that it is bad to put this song in that particular scene for Shrek...it associates the word "Hallelujah" with sadness, broken heart, and hopelessness. Not to mention the obscene lyrics. The song is alternating scenes of sex with the words Hallelujah.
But I got more sympathy toward this song more than "One of Us." At least, there is true sadness reflected in it. The author of the song seems to admit that he views life in a depressive way. And in the end...he said that he's "not somebody who has seen the light" and his song is "a cold and broken Hallelujah." Well, heartache can be felt when you listen to this song, and it is understandable. We all went throught such periods and I went to the time when my Hallelujah was cold and broken too. To me...it is coldness toward God...but still it is almost like bitter muffled prayer.
Well, but for me, it is bad idea to put such as song in children's movie. And I just don't understand why they have to use such explicit scenes of sex with the words Hallelujah. I mean...what kind of impression it would create to those who haven't yet believed in God. Will he give himself a chance to try...after listening to this song?
But now it's not back then. This song scares me. It is like a temptation to make people look that "Are you sure God is good and great?" "Are you sure he's not a slob?" "Do you really want to believe in things like Heaven and the Saints and all the prophets?"
Well, it scares me because.
1. I found out the truth that God is really good and great. And there is no way He could be a slop. Heaven is for real. (although I still have not yet totally embraced the idea of saints and prophets but I give it more than 90% for because of the examples of what I see in real life.)
2. It's nothing wrong to wonder who God is and what He's like. But why...the author of the song would thought God is a slob and a lonely old man if he or she hasn't yet known Him? Why would one sing this song out in the media so that others would question God too? I mean...they must have something a little bit...uh...against Him. When I wasn't a believer, my view of God was rather neutral. But the person who wrote this song seem to intrique other people to have negative view on God. The song seems to create an impression of God as weak being, God as pathetic being. Oh well, now that's scary.
Another song I used to like very much is "Hallelujah." originally writen by Leornard Cohen. To tell the truth, I used to like this song very much. Some performance of the song can almsot make you cry. It communicates so much sadness in the heart. However, I just read the whole lyrics last night. I was shocked. I used to think that there must be no harm in this song for it was used in "Shrek" a film for children. But I was wrong. I searched throughly on the internet, some people seemed to agree that it is bad to put this song in that particular scene for Shrek...it associates the word "Hallelujah" with sadness, broken heart, and hopelessness. Not to mention the obscene lyrics. The song is alternating scenes of sex with the words Hallelujah.
But I got more sympathy toward this song more than "One of Us." At least, there is true sadness reflected in it. The author of the song seems to admit that he views life in a depressive way. And in the end...he said that he's "not somebody who has seen the light" and his song is "a cold and broken Hallelujah." Well, heartache can be felt when you listen to this song, and it is understandable. We all went throught such periods and I went to the time when my Hallelujah was cold and broken too. To me...it is coldness toward God...but still it is almost like bitter muffled prayer.
Well, but for me, it is bad idea to put such as song in children's movie. And I just don't understand why they have to use such explicit scenes of sex with the words Hallelujah. I mean...what kind of impression it would create to those who haven't yet believed in God. Will he give himself a chance to try...after listening to this song?
Need to RECEIVE LOVE before GIVE LOVE
A few days ago I asked this question to my teacher, and I sent it up to Heaven too.
How can I love God and love others when there is no love left inside my heart? How can I give love when I have none?
The answer came that very day. At least it is the answer for my life right now. God just simply sent me love. My heart was too gloom to receive it directly from Him, so he sent it through other people.
- I went to a confession. I didn't know the priest inside that booth. But what he said was simply very loving. There was no condemnation, no preachy words, just understanding, sympathy and cares. It was very simple things, what he said, "I understand, it must be hard for you. Just keep trying. Don't make it too hard on yourself. Take care of your health too." simple words said in a very kind tone of voice, that was just exactly what I needed to hear. It was like water pouring into the dry land.
- At a Starbuck Coffee Shop, a chubby lady who was one of the staff took my order with such politeness and sincere smile. When I forgot to take my drink, she served it to me at my table with that sweet and sincere smile again. Yes, that was a tiny thing, but it truly made my day. And I remembered it. My heart absorbed it and remembered it.
And that very day, I felt I have more love to share to others. There is more love inside me now. God gave it to me. So I did one simple thing, I smiled to a stranger and I got a freindly smile back.
Sometimes a person doesn't need any deep reflection or deep philosophical answer at all, all that he or she needs is just love, shown through simple things and simple words.
No doubt why Jesus and the Bible emphasizes "Love" very strongly. It is the most important thing. Wisdom and Hope and Faith, yes they are all important, but "LOVE" is very, very important.
How can I love God and love others when there is no love left inside my heart? How can I give love when I have none?
The answer came that very day. At least it is the answer for my life right now. God just simply sent me love. My heart was too gloom to receive it directly from Him, so he sent it through other people.
- I went to a confession. I didn't know the priest inside that booth. But what he said was simply very loving. There was no condemnation, no preachy words, just understanding, sympathy and cares. It was very simple things, what he said, "I understand, it must be hard for you. Just keep trying. Don't make it too hard on yourself. Take care of your health too." simple words said in a very kind tone of voice, that was just exactly what I needed to hear. It was like water pouring into the dry land.
- At a Starbuck Coffee Shop, a chubby lady who was one of the staff took my order with such politeness and sincere smile. When I forgot to take my drink, she served it to me at my table with that sweet and sincere smile again. Yes, that was a tiny thing, but it truly made my day. And I remembered it. My heart absorbed it and remembered it.
And that very day, I felt I have more love to share to others. There is more love inside me now. God gave it to me. So I did one simple thing, I smiled to a stranger and I got a freindly smile back.
Sometimes a person doesn't need any deep reflection or deep philosophical answer at all, all that he or she needs is just love, shown through simple things and simple words.
No doubt why Jesus and the Bible emphasizes "Love" very strongly. It is the most important thing. Wisdom and Hope and Faith, yes they are all important, but "LOVE" is very, very important.
Saturday, 21 March 2015
The Pain of the Soul
I remember asking someone "what the pain of the soul is like?"
I think I don't have to ask anymore.
It is the one that happened sometimes as a ball or as a stab of knife or sword
right at where the "heart" (not the physical heart) is. In the middle of your chest
and down to the upper part of the stomach.
It is a bit similar to emotional pain but way too strong.
Sometimes it can't be described, except for saying that
"It bleeds the life out of you."
It can happen instantly, stayed for a while, and then it's gone.
When it gets too strong, it is so unbearable that I wish for nothing but death.
But many times God would lift it off before I actually die.
It is a kind of torment.
It is a sword stabbing in the soul.
It occurs over and over again throughout my life.
It can't be understood by friends or family who haven't experienced it.
But those who have, will understand and sympathize.
This kind of pain can cause inward tears, which is worse than outward tears running down from your eyes.
That's a note for today.
Still in year 1 during my experiment.
I think I don't have to ask anymore.
It is the one that happened sometimes as a ball or as a stab of knife or sword
right at where the "heart" (not the physical heart) is. In the middle of your chest
and down to the upper part of the stomach.
It is a bit similar to emotional pain but way too strong.
Sometimes it can't be described, except for saying that
"It bleeds the life out of you."
It can happen instantly, stayed for a while, and then it's gone.
When it gets too strong, it is so unbearable that I wish for nothing but death.
But many times God would lift it off before I actually die.
It is a kind of torment.
It is a sword stabbing in the soul.
It occurs over and over again throughout my life.
It can't be understood by friends or family who haven't experienced it.
But those who have, will understand and sympathize.
This kind of pain can cause inward tears, which is worse than outward tears running down from your eyes.
That's a note for today.
Still in year 1 during my experiment.
Monday, 16 March 2015
Daily Thought: The Rule of Karma
According to what I was taught in Buddhism and Catholic Church, the rules of karma does exist and you can't escape. You do something good, you reap good things. You do something bad, you reap bad things. You get all the effects of what you did, it's just a matter of when. The natural law of justice in the world can't be escaped.
However, if one believe in Jesus, then there is difference. According to what I was taught, Jesus had already paid for most of your sin, you can take that gift from Him. The severity of what you have to pay for bad karma will be less, the situation will be manageable, there can be hope.
However, different group of Christian seem to believe it in different way. In my earlier years, I read and was taught that Jesus had paid for all your sin. "ALL" not just "partial." And this is something that we should believe in, something that we should hold on to and be hopeful.
However, being a member of the Church and read some materials in it and listen to some people talk on it, Jesus only paid for your "birth sin" the weight of sin on humanity that result from the act of Adam and Eve. Your personal sin are also paid for, but you still have to receive the results of sin or the temporal punishment for all those things you did right here on Earth. Except in special case that you get a "Total Indulgence" when all can be wiped out. The knowledge is new to me. And I'm still observing life, waiting for it to reveal how much I should take this in.
Well, the result so far....sadly. The Big Church is right, I guess. The suffering and misery that I am living in now, how can I blame it on anything else but my own karma? But it is also true that Jesus can lift the weight further if we ask of Him, if we are truly very sorry. The results of the sin can be lessen, because Jesus is there.That's the only hope left in this life, I think.
The rules of karma is what I hate talking about. It sadden me everytime I think about it. I got depressed because of it. How do I know how much of those "debts" I still have left to pay? With numerous past lives behind me. How do I know how much the Lord will help me pay and how much he will let me pay for it myself?
There is a dream that can never come true in my life. And now I sort of throw away all hopes that it will one day be real. Coz I hate so much to see beauty turned into illusion. Again and again and all over again. Just like it always did. Well, my karma again, I guess. I sort of surrender, lie down like a goat knowing that it will soon be fed to tiger. Just let it pour down all over me. Just let me pay the debts. And all I would focus and wait for is "death." Life contains nothing for me to hope or be happy about.
But I do pray...I still pray. What else do I have left to do? what things can be better to do than to ask for a little mercy that the Lord can give? I remember...there are twice now in my life when the tremendous pain inside my soul, the one that could drive me to suicide, was being lifted all of a sudden by the power of the Lord. He could do anything, anything at all. He could save and help in just one second. My life depends upon His mercy.
A thought that occur to me lately was. Just let "this person" did to me whatever pain he wished to cause. Just let the debts be paid and wait for death. He already turned into the monster right before my eyes on that day, with the cruel things he said. Now I'm living with a person who can turn into a monster one day and an angel the other day. There is no more "the one that I can rely on" no more... no more...no more of that dream. It can never be real in this life. I will just close my eyes, and let the rain pour all over me. Hoping that I won't create anymore debts until the day that the breath is taken from my body. Until the day...that I'm free.
But life today is still bearable...I saw my dog and my neighbor's dog smile at me. I saw a sunset and some beautiful flowers on my way to the market. I saw a man kindly led an old woman to walk. I found some food that is not too expensive for my dog to eat.
And...it was as though...I heard the Lord speak to my heart today....about the sin and the temptations that throw at me like rocks...it was as if I heard...if you withstand, this will turn into a beautiful crown.
But God, I don't want a crown. Really.
I simply want your hug.
However, if one believe in Jesus, then there is difference. According to what I was taught, Jesus had already paid for most of your sin, you can take that gift from Him. The severity of what you have to pay for bad karma will be less, the situation will be manageable, there can be hope.
However, different group of Christian seem to believe it in different way. In my earlier years, I read and was taught that Jesus had paid for all your sin. "ALL" not just "partial." And this is something that we should believe in, something that we should hold on to and be hopeful.
However, being a member of the Church and read some materials in it and listen to some people talk on it, Jesus only paid for your "birth sin" the weight of sin on humanity that result from the act of Adam and Eve. Your personal sin are also paid for, but you still have to receive the results of sin or the temporal punishment for all those things you did right here on Earth. Except in special case that you get a "Total Indulgence" when all can be wiped out. The knowledge is new to me. And I'm still observing life, waiting for it to reveal how much I should take this in.
Well, the result so far....sadly. The Big Church is right, I guess. The suffering and misery that I am living in now, how can I blame it on anything else but my own karma? But it is also true that Jesus can lift the weight further if we ask of Him, if we are truly very sorry. The results of the sin can be lessen, because Jesus is there.That's the only hope left in this life, I think.
The rules of karma is what I hate talking about. It sadden me everytime I think about it. I got depressed because of it. How do I know how much of those "debts" I still have left to pay? With numerous past lives behind me. How do I know how much the Lord will help me pay and how much he will let me pay for it myself?
There is a dream that can never come true in my life. And now I sort of throw away all hopes that it will one day be real. Coz I hate so much to see beauty turned into illusion. Again and again and all over again. Just like it always did. Well, my karma again, I guess. I sort of surrender, lie down like a goat knowing that it will soon be fed to tiger. Just let it pour down all over me. Just let me pay the debts. And all I would focus and wait for is "death." Life contains nothing for me to hope or be happy about.
But I do pray...I still pray. What else do I have left to do? what things can be better to do than to ask for a little mercy that the Lord can give? I remember...there are twice now in my life when the tremendous pain inside my soul, the one that could drive me to suicide, was being lifted all of a sudden by the power of the Lord. He could do anything, anything at all. He could save and help in just one second. My life depends upon His mercy.
A thought that occur to me lately was. Just let "this person" did to me whatever pain he wished to cause. Just let the debts be paid and wait for death. He already turned into the monster right before my eyes on that day, with the cruel things he said. Now I'm living with a person who can turn into a monster one day and an angel the other day. There is no more "the one that I can rely on" no more... no more...no more of that dream. It can never be real in this life. I will just close my eyes, and let the rain pour all over me. Hoping that I won't create anymore debts until the day that the breath is taken from my body. Until the day...that I'm free.
But life today is still bearable...I saw my dog and my neighbor's dog smile at me. I saw a sunset and some beautiful flowers on my way to the market. I saw a man kindly led an old woman to walk. I found some food that is not too expensive for my dog to eat.
And...it was as though...I heard the Lord speak to my heart today....about the sin and the temptations that throw at me like rocks...it was as if I heard...if you withstand, this will turn into a beautiful crown.
But God, I don't want a crown. Really.
I simply want your hug.
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