According to what I was taught in Buddhism and Catholic Church, the rules of karma does exist and you can't escape. You do something good, you reap good things. You do something bad, you reap bad things. You get all the effects of what you did, it's just a matter of when. The natural law of justice in the world can't be escaped.
However, if one believe in Jesus, then there is difference. According to what I was taught, Jesus had already paid for most of your sin, you can take that gift from Him. The severity of what you have to pay for bad karma will be less, the situation will be manageable, there can be hope.
However, different group of Christian seem to believe it in different way. In my earlier years, I read and was taught that Jesus had paid for all your sin. "ALL" not just "partial." And this is something that we should believe in, something that we should hold on to and be hopeful.
However, being a member of the Church and read some materials in it and listen to some people talk on it, Jesus only paid for your "birth sin" the weight of sin on humanity that result from the act of Adam and Eve. Your personal sin are also paid for, but you still have to receive the results of sin or the temporal punishment for all those things you did right here on Earth. Except in special case that you get a "Total Indulgence" when all can be wiped out. The knowledge is new to me. And I'm still observing life, waiting for it to reveal how much I should take this in.
Well, the result so far....sadly. The Big Church is right, I guess. The suffering and misery that I am living in now, how can I blame it on anything else but my own karma? But it is also true that Jesus can lift the weight further if we ask of Him, if we are truly very sorry. The results of the sin can be lessen, because Jesus is there.That's the only hope left in this life, I think.
The rules of karma is what I hate talking about. It sadden me everytime I think about it. I got depressed because of it. How do I know how much of those "debts" I still have left to pay? With numerous past lives behind me. How do I know how much the Lord will help me pay and how much he will let me pay for it myself?
There is a dream that can never come true in my life. And now I sort of throw away all hopes that it will one day be real. Coz I hate so much to see beauty turned into illusion. Again and again and all over again. Just like it always did. Well, my karma again, I guess. I sort of surrender, lie down like a goat knowing that it will soon be fed to tiger. Just let it pour down all over me. Just let me pay the debts. And all I would focus and wait for is "death." Life contains nothing for me to hope or be happy about.
But I do pray...I still pray. What else do I have left to do? what things can be better to do than to ask for a little mercy that the Lord can give? I remember...there are twice now in my life when the tremendous pain inside my soul, the one that could drive me to suicide, was being lifted all of a sudden by the power of the Lord. He could do anything, anything at all. He could save and help in just one second. My life depends upon His mercy.
A thought that occur to me lately was. Just let "this person" did to me whatever pain he wished to cause. Just let the debts be paid and wait for death. He already turned into the monster right before my eyes on that day, with the cruel things he said. Now I'm living with a person who can turn into a monster one day and an angel the other day. There is no more "the one that I can rely on" no more... no more...no more of that dream. It can never be real in this life. I will just close my eyes, and let the rain pour all over me. Hoping that I won't create anymore debts until the day that the breath is taken from my body. Until the day...that I'm free.
But life today is still bearable...I saw my dog and my neighbor's dog smile at me. I saw a sunset and some beautiful flowers on my way to the market. I saw a man kindly led an old woman to walk. I found some food that is not too expensive for my dog to eat.
And...it was as though...I heard the Lord speak to my heart today....about the sin and the temptations that throw at me like rocks...it was as if I heard...if you withstand, this will turn into a beautiful crown.
But God, I don't want a crown. Really.
I simply want your hug.
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