My father is a good artist, an experienced director, and a talented singer. However, I am not going to discuss all these abilities but I am going to describe why I feel most peaceful when my father is around. These qualities are the true wonderful things about him. My father is a happy receiver, is mostly calm and happy, is clear and straightforward in communication and is focused on his spiritual practice.
Firstly, my father always gives me the opportunity to be the giver. He is happy to receive things or help with open hand and smiling face. I have always had difficulty with those who always try to be givers but do not allow me to give anything back to them. Sometimes I miss an opportunity to be a good daughter, I postpone doing things for my parents, and I realize later that I was wrong. My father is the one who always give me the second chance to do it again. My father would be patient with a dirty bathroom or a dirty sink until I finally manage to find the time and manage to get up and clean it. He usually does not get angry, did the chore himself, and complain later. He waits for me to do it. My father does not say no to gifts or treats of meal. When he is sick, he does not keep it secretly to himself or try to "bear all the pain" bravely and alone. For me that is a good thing. My father let others know that he is sick and does not hesitate to ask for help. This means I have an opportunity to care for a sick parent. When I ask "Dad, how are you feeling now?" He would willingly let me know his condition in details and might ask gently, "can you help me do the dishes today, daughter?" And I would be willing to do it. He gives me ways to be a good daughter, to feel a little bit better about myself. I really do have difficulty with those who do not let me know that they are sick and feel bitter toward me later for not noticing it.
My father usually has calm temperament. He moves slow, not rushing with things. He enjoys eating food and expresses his joy openly when he eats something delicious. When he finishes cooking a bowl of Tom Yum Kung, he would smile, present the food proudly like a child, and share happily. When I am around him, I could talk about small things with him and forget my troubles or heartaches for a while. Nevertheless, the most important thing is that he is patient with my bad temper. Actually his anger is very scary, but he is very slow to anger. I admit that sometimes I and my sister said thing to him with such a bad mood, showing irritation openly in our voice, talking to him so disrespectfully. My father would bear with it and did not strike back with hurtful words. I am a little bit spoiled by this kindness of my dad, but it is a truly wonderful thing of him and it makes me regret my own bad behavior later. This aspect of my dad becomes the image of our "Father in Heaven" and is also part of the reason why sometimes I behave like a spoiled child toward God.
My father talks openly and directly, without sarcasm or irony in his voice. I do not have to decipher his real intention from the speech because he expresses things honestly. This is so important to me because I really have hard time with people who talk sarcastically, saying things with insulting tone of the voice. I have been hurt so many many times in my life by this way of communication that I even develop phobia of it. This is why I feel peaceful around my dad. If he likes it, he says he likes it. If he doesn't like it, he says he doesn't like it. If he wants me to do something, he asks me directly and kindly. When he wants to teach me something about life or wants to give me advice or wants to express himself that he cares, he would just say it directly and state his intention clearly. I can understand my father's intention and meaning when he communicates. I don't hear any knives hidden in his speech. It is a wonderful thing indeed.
Lastly, my father always holds fast to his spiritual belief and practice. He is a Buddhist. He usually has his daily hour of chanting prayer and "Phae Metta" or wishing happiness to all creatures. I believe that his "Phae Metta" has been sending an atmosphere of peace that covers this house and the surrounding area. I remember one day that I was so depressed and could not get out of bed. My father went into his prayer room and in just a short while the heaviness inside me was lifted and I was able to get up. My father has always been serious about his spiritual belief. He sincerely shares his spiritual experience to others; he even writes articles about them in social media. Most importantly, he does not hesitate to share his religious belief with me although I have become a believer of Christ. He did not react negatively to me or shun away when I was converted to Christianity. He was the only family member presented in my baptism ceremony. He told me that "all roads lead to one destination." Furthermore, my father and I have some spiritual experience that seem to be in common, like lucid dream and out of body experience. So when I talk to him about it, he can understand me more than those who have not had the experience.
Both my mother and my father are normal people with the good and the bad in themselves. But it makes me happy to describe only the good things about them. It is better to send more light into the world by talking positively about people around us. I don't want to write negative and dark views on this blog anymore.
Saturday, 15 September 2018
Tuesday, 11 September 2018
Very good information on preventing demonic attack
I found that the information on these websites are very helpful. It is good to prevent the risk of getting attack or noticing that one is under attack. The world is full of danger these days.
https://www.mit.edu/~rei/spir-help.html#what
https://exemplore.com/paranormal/Demonic-Hauntings-Signs-Your-Home-is-Haunted-by-a-Demon-and-Things-that-Attract-Demons
http://web.comhem.se/abzu/english/demon.html
https://www.mit.edu/~rei/spir-help.html#what
https://exemplore.com/paranormal/Demonic-Hauntings-Signs-Your-Home-is-Haunted-by-a-Demon-and-Things-that-Attract-Demons
http://web.comhem.se/abzu/english/demon.html
Friday, 7 September 2018
Wonderful Things About My Mother
It is way passed Mother Day but that does not matter. Actually, I should have written this since I was asked to write a composition for Mother Day in high school, but I was just a foolish kid back then and I was blind to see what wonderful things my mother have in herself. She is a person with many qualities that I want to imitate or take after, but unfortunately, I didn't inherit much of these traits. Anyway, although it will take time for me to build these qualities, I will try. There are four characters that I admire so much in my mother: her strength, her adaptability and practicality, her spirit of teacher, and her quality as food provider.
My mother is a strong lady. She has lived a life full of hard work and lots of obstacles but she was able to pass through them with endurance. She often tells me that problems and difficulties are very normal things of life. When I complained about work, she usually said that there's no work that is easy, why do I expect anything to be easy. My mother has worked as teacher for more than 30 years. She went through all the hard work that Thai teachers required to do, plus the terrible politics in the school. She had to fight in problematic situations that caused by selfish motive of executives and colleagues. Furthermore, after tiring long day at work, she came home and still cooked and cared for our family. It was amazing how she was able to go through all that for years and years, not to mention during our family's financial crisis. My mother would not complain when she got sick unless she got really, really sick. She has so much endurance in herself. And now as an elderly lady, she often advises me to just let things go, not to carry all the troubles within my heart or to make things worse for myself by being so emotional. I think that's her secret. She knows how to let go. She sees problems as they are; she doesn't make small problems seem like mountains the way I usually do. I admire my mother's strength so much and I hope that one day I can be like her when I get older.
My mother is a practical lady and a quick learner. She can look at the the problem in front of her and design her techniques or creative ways to get that problem solved. She is not someone who is attached to old way of doing things. She likes new gadget in the kitchen. She likes to try new recipes. She likes to learn how to use new technology. (She had learned to use smartphone and tablet way before I did) She is comfortable when adapting herself to the changing world. She catches up with news every evening. It seems funny. I am from newer generation and she is from older generation but she is usually the one saying to me "Hey, you're doing things in the outmoded way. Now the world has changed they have new way to do that even quicker. Don't you know?" I really admire the way she can fix things up with whatever resources we have. When we travel abroad together, and there is a kitchen, with some raw food, ingredients, and a few gadgets, my mother would somehow be able to fix a meal out of that quickly. If we don't have a cup but we need to use a cup, she would find something else that can be used in place of that cup. She is one of the most practical person I've ever known. She is also a fast and light packer. Her suitcase is always thin while mine is always bulky. My mother is so good at fixing problems with her hand and her brain. Unfortunately, I am a very "impractical" girl, a dreamy type. And a lot of time my mother had to worry about me. Often, when I asked, "Mommy, can you help me do this please?" She would say, "Dear, you should use your brain and try doing it yourself. I know you can do it. I won't be here on earth forever to help you, one day I'll be gone, you know." Sometimes I took it personally and felt hurt, thinking that my mother didn't care to help me. But when I look back, I know that she really wanted me to help myself because that would be good for me in a long run. She wanted to give me something more precious than just a one-time help, the ability to be practical like her.
My mother is a great teacher. No matter how terrible the politics in school are, she is always focused on teaching her students, getting them to read and write and learn. She used lots of games to make the learning fun. She was a teacher who cared about students more than her own success in career path. She used to spend her evening helping the students who fell behind academically. When I began my teaching career, I learned a lot about classroom management and teaching techniques from my mom. Today, as a retired teacher, my mother is always busy going out for meals and trips that her ex-students arranged for her. It seems that her ex-students are everywhere in town and all of them remember and love her. She was also a great teacher to me. The good English skill that I have now, the very thing that gives me my livelihood, I owe it all to my mom. She taught me to read English since I was a little girl. She bought me beautiful story books and read them together with me. She gave me expensive cassette set to help with my English speaking skill. She sat with me through homework time in my primary years. I really have to say that the strong English still that I have came from the basic that my mother taught me in my early years. And although today she no longer taught at school, she still teaches our little niece who lives nearby. She would not mind spending hours to get the little girl finished her homework. Maybe someday, when I have gained enough strength and overcome depression and anxiety permanently, I would go back to teaching career. I could feel this trait of my mother living in me although I'm not as strong and devoting as she is.
Last but not least, my mother always keeps everybody's stomach full! Through years of experience, she is a wonderful cook and I love her meals so much. Even today, I feel like old baby, but I admit that mother still cooks for me and I love it! My mother is especially caring when it comes to food. She makes sure that everyone is full after the meal. She always stock lots of food in the kitchen and refrigerator, including snacks and fruits on the table. In my house, we can eat all day long. The fact that my mother doesn't let anyone go hungry is not limited to our family. My mother makes sure that my dog get her meal every evening. When I was too busy with work, she would say, "Talew is hungry now, you better go and give her food. If you keep an animal as a pet, never let it go hungry" Actually, she often gives my dog something to eat all day long and I'm not surprised that Talew is especially fond of my mom. In addition, her generosity goes out to our neighbor. Whenever my uncle next door had to live by himself because his family had gone away on vacation or business trip, my mother sometimes invited him to join the meal or brought him some food and snacks. It seems like she has to ensure that everyone is full and not hungry. Also, she has a habit of giving quality food to others and to monks, while keeping not-so-high quality food to herself. Bigger pieces go to others, smaller pieces go to herself. This is such a wonderful thing of her and I believe that life will return it to her fully. In this life and the next, I believe that she would never go hungry.
After writing all these qualities of my mom, I feel a bit sad for not having so much of her good traits in myself. But I will try not to sink in despair because I remember what my mother used to encourage me: "You can change yourself for the better. If you think you can, then one day you will, although it takes time. If you think you can't, then you never will, because you would never begin. Don't think that I must be like this, this is me, and I can't change. No, that's not true. You can change. Everybody can."
My mother is a strong lady. She has lived a life full of hard work and lots of obstacles but she was able to pass through them with endurance. She often tells me that problems and difficulties are very normal things of life. When I complained about work, she usually said that there's no work that is easy, why do I expect anything to be easy. My mother has worked as teacher for more than 30 years. She went through all the hard work that Thai teachers required to do, plus the terrible politics in the school. She had to fight in problematic situations that caused by selfish motive of executives and colleagues. Furthermore, after tiring long day at work, she came home and still cooked and cared for our family. It was amazing how she was able to go through all that for years and years, not to mention during our family's financial crisis. My mother would not complain when she got sick unless she got really, really sick. She has so much endurance in herself. And now as an elderly lady, she often advises me to just let things go, not to carry all the troubles within my heart or to make things worse for myself by being so emotional. I think that's her secret. She knows how to let go. She sees problems as they are; she doesn't make small problems seem like mountains the way I usually do. I admire my mother's strength so much and I hope that one day I can be like her when I get older.
My mother is a practical lady and a quick learner. She can look at the the problem in front of her and design her techniques or creative ways to get that problem solved. She is not someone who is attached to old way of doing things. She likes new gadget in the kitchen. She likes to try new recipes. She likes to learn how to use new technology. (She had learned to use smartphone and tablet way before I did) She is comfortable when adapting herself to the changing world. She catches up with news every evening. It seems funny. I am from newer generation and she is from older generation but she is usually the one saying to me "Hey, you're doing things in the outmoded way. Now the world has changed they have new way to do that even quicker. Don't you know?" I really admire the way she can fix things up with whatever resources we have. When we travel abroad together, and there is a kitchen, with some raw food, ingredients, and a few gadgets, my mother would somehow be able to fix a meal out of that quickly. If we don't have a cup but we need to use a cup, she would find something else that can be used in place of that cup. She is one of the most practical person I've ever known. She is also a fast and light packer. Her suitcase is always thin while mine is always bulky. My mother is so good at fixing problems with her hand and her brain. Unfortunately, I am a very "impractical" girl, a dreamy type. And a lot of time my mother had to worry about me. Often, when I asked, "Mommy, can you help me do this please?" She would say, "Dear, you should use your brain and try doing it yourself. I know you can do it. I won't be here on earth forever to help you, one day I'll be gone, you know." Sometimes I took it personally and felt hurt, thinking that my mother didn't care to help me. But when I look back, I know that she really wanted me to help myself because that would be good for me in a long run. She wanted to give me something more precious than just a one-time help, the ability to be practical like her.
My mother is a great teacher. No matter how terrible the politics in school are, she is always focused on teaching her students, getting them to read and write and learn. She used lots of games to make the learning fun. She was a teacher who cared about students more than her own success in career path. She used to spend her evening helping the students who fell behind academically. When I began my teaching career, I learned a lot about classroom management and teaching techniques from my mom. Today, as a retired teacher, my mother is always busy going out for meals and trips that her ex-students arranged for her. It seems that her ex-students are everywhere in town and all of them remember and love her. She was also a great teacher to me. The good English skill that I have now, the very thing that gives me my livelihood, I owe it all to my mom. She taught me to read English since I was a little girl. She bought me beautiful story books and read them together with me. She gave me expensive cassette set to help with my English speaking skill. She sat with me through homework time in my primary years. I really have to say that the strong English still that I have came from the basic that my mother taught me in my early years. And although today she no longer taught at school, she still teaches our little niece who lives nearby. She would not mind spending hours to get the little girl finished her homework. Maybe someday, when I have gained enough strength and overcome depression and anxiety permanently, I would go back to teaching career. I could feel this trait of my mother living in me although I'm not as strong and devoting as she is.
Last but not least, my mother always keeps everybody's stomach full! Through years of experience, she is a wonderful cook and I love her meals so much. Even today, I feel like old baby, but I admit that mother still cooks for me and I love it! My mother is especially caring when it comes to food. She makes sure that everyone is full after the meal. She always stock lots of food in the kitchen and refrigerator, including snacks and fruits on the table. In my house, we can eat all day long. The fact that my mother doesn't let anyone go hungry is not limited to our family. My mother makes sure that my dog get her meal every evening. When I was too busy with work, she would say, "Talew is hungry now, you better go and give her food. If you keep an animal as a pet, never let it go hungry" Actually, she often gives my dog something to eat all day long and I'm not surprised that Talew is especially fond of my mom. In addition, her generosity goes out to our neighbor. Whenever my uncle next door had to live by himself because his family had gone away on vacation or business trip, my mother sometimes invited him to join the meal or brought him some food and snacks. It seems like she has to ensure that everyone is full and not hungry. Also, she has a habit of giving quality food to others and to monks, while keeping not-so-high quality food to herself. Bigger pieces go to others, smaller pieces go to herself. This is such a wonderful thing of her and I believe that life will return it to her fully. In this life and the next, I believe that she would never go hungry.
After writing all these qualities of my mom, I feel a bit sad for not having so much of her good traits in myself. But I will try not to sink in despair because I remember what my mother used to encourage me: "You can change yourself for the better. If you think you can, then one day you will, although it takes time. If you think you can't, then you never will, because you would never begin. Don't think that I must be like this, this is me, and I can't change. No, that's not true. You can change. Everybody can."
Saturday, 1 September 2018
Dream Records
Sometimes dreams are just meaningless mess of images and impressions in our head, but sometimes they carry deeper meaning and symbols. I rarely have spiritual dreams these days (I usually have bad dreams or nightmares), but once I do, I better record them before I forget. It should be like some guidance for me.
- Back to school again, I realized that I have been skipping all of the art classes. Now the other students have produced some pictures in their drawing books but I have none. I began to worry a little and thought that I should submit some work before it affects my grade. I had no idea how the teacher would be thinking of me, a never-show-up student. Art has never been my favorite class because I lack skill in it but it seems that the work required in this art class is rather elementary and I should be able to catch up if I try.
School/examination/grade dreams occur to me sometimes, reminding that this life I'm living is actually a spiritual school and I'm here for some lessons. After I had this latest dream, I wonder what "art" subject symbolizes. Then I began to have an impression in my mind that it is about being connected with my inner voice, spiritual side of myself. Maybe I have been focused too much on worldly tasks lately. I've had big symbolic dreams about this many years ago. God gave me a vision, a bird-eye-view of a whale swimming in the ocean below. I once received a command to join the "whale" people once all the mess on the Earth is finished. A few days ago I looked up symbolic meaning of whales and it says "inner voice, peace, creativity, history of the Earth." It seems that my life's destiny has something related to that.
- I flied. I was able to fly again so once I gained that ability back I just kept on flying forward. Then after moving forward for a while in quite a good speed, I saw that I had come outdoor and there was a sky above me. I could choose to keep flying forward into the city or going up to the sky. I had a feeling then that it had something to do with spiritual progress. I chose going up. I began to fly upward and my body was lifted to about the level of a high building and then it stopped. I wondered what it would be like to fly even higher, to see the world from the above heaven, to be closer to the clouds, so I decided to fly further upward. However, I felt myself being pulled toward in the opposite direction, I gradually fell downward until I got back on the ground. I then realized that God did not allow me to do that. And I asked him the question "why?"
The above dream was very spiritual, I call it a deeper level of dream. When it was finished, I slipped out to a shallower level of dream. I hadn't waken up yet. In this second dream, I was walking and wondering about my spiritual dream, wanting to find a Bible to ask God why I couldn't fly up higher. Then I found my old diary that I had left outside. I opened it and saw some drawings and pictures. I began to pray and ask God, "Why? What's wrong about wanting to see the view from up above?" Then the pictures on the diary start moving and it stopped on a cartoon picture. It was animated. Two lovely bees (like Mascot bees) were standing in front of an entrance. They were smilingly watching the lines of snails and down-to-earth animals crawling pass them by. The bees were happy. There was no different between them that can fly and those that cannot fly. I then realized that I must learn to really let go of pride and learn how to be humble. I must "truly" see that there is no one above anyone. We are all the same in unity and love. Maybe one day when I really learned to have that attitude, I would be allowed to fly higher.
- I was washing the dishes, trying to gather positive attitude back after getting some setback experience but I was wondering if speaking positively to myself like that would work effectively. I turned around and found that the whole house was in darkness. No light was on. I felt scared. Suddenly I prayed that repetitive pray again, I did it almost automatically "Jesus please have mercy on me". I said it over and over again while struggling to get to the light switch. Saying that prayer gave me some inner strength and somehow helped me to keep trying, to not be afraid, to go through the experience and trust God. Then, all of a sudden, I saw that my parents just arrived home. Nothing was scary anymore. I wasn't home alone anymore.
This dream seemed to communicate directly to me that I should keep on using this repetitive prayer. It can protect me and can help me more than I am aware of. I learned this pray from a book about a Russian pilgrim and his adventure. He said the prayer was to be repeatedly chanted over and over again countless of time until it became one with our spirit. This dream helped me to realize that when I say the prayer, I feel a little stronger and safer. After this dream, I decided that I will say this prayer more often during the day, and especially when I was under trial. The dream also showed that if I trust God, the scary experience will be shorten. It's not that bad, not too terrible, not like what I imagined in the beginning.
Like I said, spiritual dreams are rare for me these days. The fact that I had the above dreams is already a blessing in itself. I feel more free in my spiritual form. I am being reminded that this world is not my final place and that God is still there to guide my way. I don't know how long I would have to wait until I have spiritual dreams again. But what's more important is that I should take the message from them and put it in practice.
- Back to school again, I realized that I have been skipping all of the art classes. Now the other students have produced some pictures in their drawing books but I have none. I began to worry a little and thought that I should submit some work before it affects my grade. I had no idea how the teacher would be thinking of me, a never-show-up student. Art has never been my favorite class because I lack skill in it but it seems that the work required in this art class is rather elementary and I should be able to catch up if I try.
School/examination/grade dreams occur to me sometimes, reminding that this life I'm living is actually a spiritual school and I'm here for some lessons. After I had this latest dream, I wonder what "art" subject symbolizes. Then I began to have an impression in my mind that it is about being connected with my inner voice, spiritual side of myself. Maybe I have been focused too much on worldly tasks lately. I've had big symbolic dreams about this many years ago. God gave me a vision, a bird-eye-view of a whale swimming in the ocean below. I once received a command to join the "whale" people once all the mess on the Earth is finished. A few days ago I looked up symbolic meaning of whales and it says "inner voice, peace, creativity, history of the Earth." It seems that my life's destiny has something related to that.
- I flied. I was able to fly again so once I gained that ability back I just kept on flying forward. Then after moving forward for a while in quite a good speed, I saw that I had come outdoor and there was a sky above me. I could choose to keep flying forward into the city or going up to the sky. I had a feeling then that it had something to do with spiritual progress. I chose going up. I began to fly upward and my body was lifted to about the level of a high building and then it stopped. I wondered what it would be like to fly even higher, to see the world from the above heaven, to be closer to the clouds, so I decided to fly further upward. However, I felt myself being pulled toward in the opposite direction, I gradually fell downward until I got back on the ground. I then realized that God did not allow me to do that. And I asked him the question "why?"
The above dream was very spiritual, I call it a deeper level of dream. When it was finished, I slipped out to a shallower level of dream. I hadn't waken up yet. In this second dream, I was walking and wondering about my spiritual dream, wanting to find a Bible to ask God why I couldn't fly up higher. Then I found my old diary that I had left outside. I opened it and saw some drawings and pictures. I began to pray and ask God, "Why? What's wrong about wanting to see the view from up above?" Then the pictures on the diary start moving and it stopped on a cartoon picture. It was animated. Two lovely bees (like Mascot bees) were standing in front of an entrance. They were smilingly watching the lines of snails and down-to-earth animals crawling pass them by. The bees were happy. There was no different between them that can fly and those that cannot fly. I then realized that I must learn to really let go of pride and learn how to be humble. I must "truly" see that there is no one above anyone. We are all the same in unity and love. Maybe one day when I really learned to have that attitude, I would be allowed to fly higher.
- I was washing the dishes, trying to gather positive attitude back after getting some setback experience but I was wondering if speaking positively to myself like that would work effectively. I turned around and found that the whole house was in darkness. No light was on. I felt scared. Suddenly I prayed that repetitive pray again, I did it almost automatically "Jesus please have mercy on me". I said it over and over again while struggling to get to the light switch. Saying that prayer gave me some inner strength and somehow helped me to keep trying, to not be afraid, to go through the experience and trust God. Then, all of a sudden, I saw that my parents just arrived home. Nothing was scary anymore. I wasn't home alone anymore.
This dream seemed to communicate directly to me that I should keep on using this repetitive prayer. It can protect me and can help me more than I am aware of. I learned this pray from a book about a Russian pilgrim and his adventure. He said the prayer was to be repeatedly chanted over and over again countless of time until it became one with our spirit. This dream helped me to realize that when I say the prayer, I feel a little stronger and safer. After this dream, I decided that I will say this prayer more often during the day, and especially when I was under trial. The dream also showed that if I trust God, the scary experience will be shorten. It's not that bad, not too terrible, not like what I imagined in the beginning.
Like I said, spiritual dreams are rare for me these days. The fact that I had the above dreams is already a blessing in itself. I feel more free in my spiritual form. I am being reminded that this world is not my final place and that God is still there to guide my way. I don't know how long I would have to wait until I have spiritual dreams again. But what's more important is that I should take the message from them and put it in practice.
Friday, 24 August 2018
Good Examples from Mother Mary
I thought about writing this on the Feast of Mother Mary Assumption, but it was way passed. Nevertheless, better late than never. I find that the story of her life, as found in the Bible, contains several things that we can learn from. As a woman, she has outstanding characters that we can use as a model for our lives.
First of all, she had such a great courage and faith to do what the Lord asked her to. I think this is one of her strongest virtues, and the most important one too. Just imagine how much courage it took to become pregnant before getting married in that period of time. She could have been stoned to death by the public if her fiancee decided to punish her. Yet, she decided to trust that God will somehow give her a way to survive and made His will completed. So she said yes. This might seem like a simple thing but it is not always easy to do, "saying yes to God." Difficulty, inconvenience, fear, busyness with the world, and many other things can block us from wanting to do what God requests. In situations when the future is unknown and seems quite dark and gloomy, it would be great if we can have the faith like Mary's and trust that God will give us a way and then proceed and do what He asks of us.
Secondly, she was quite humble. The words she said in response to the angel was "I am the servant of the Lord, let it be done unto me as you have said." And in the Magnificat, she said, referring to herself, as "the lowliness of his handmaid". She always viewed herself as as servant to God, not anyone powerful or important. As I have written before in another post, humility has many advantages. It keeps us away from the sin of Pride and actually makes life easier to live. So this is also a virtue that we can learn from her.
Thirdly, she always pondered things in her mind after important events or after hearing significant things. She thought about what Priestess Anna said to her about the Sword that would pierce her soul. She thought about the event when young Jesus said, "Don't you know that I have to be in Father's house?" when he disappeared on the way back from Jerusalem and she found him talking to the temple teachers. We can take Mother Mary as an example and learn from experiences in our life. Think deeply about how events teach us and what God is talking to us from those events.
Fourthly, she was kind and helpful to other people and respond to their needs. Mother Mary stayed with Elizabeth (Mother of John the Baptist) who was much older than her for three months and she was being helpful to Elizabeth, taking care of chores in her house during the time that she stayed there. When she joined the wedding ceremony in Cana, she noticed that they were running of wine and she decided to help without anyone asking. We can imagine that Mother Mary was one very kind woman who was nice and loving to other fellow human beings. This is a great example and a good virtue that we should learn from her.
Fifthly, she gives us a very good example of how to pray and make petition to the Lord. In Cana, at first Jesus did not say yes to her request for he said "my time has not yet come." However, her faith was so strong and she ordered the servant to follow Jesus' command right away. She did not give up after hearing "no" but she acted right away as if knowing that the Lord will surely help those in need and grant her this request. This is a clear example of very strong faith and persistence in prayer. In addition, she never expected God to do anything specific, she let God be God. She firstly asked Jesus to "Do something." She did not ask him to "find them more wine" or "make the wine double itself." She knew that God knows best and so she let the method be up to God. She also said to the servant, "whatever he asked you to do, do it." This is definitely a great example we can learn from when we pray. Be persistent in our request for help , yet we have to let God do what is best and not thinking that our way is best.
The last and most difficult one to follow is that Mother Mary never left Jesus even in the darkest and the most suffering moments. She followed him along the way that he carried the cross. She stood by his side as he was being crucified. No doubt, her heart was broken, her agony was extreme, and her soul was pierced yet she accepted all that and stayed with Jesus to the very end. The most difficult thing about being Christian is that we have to accept hard times and sufferings, yet not letting of our faith. I think Mother Mary has shown this clearly in her life, but it is up to us whether we can follow her to that very end.
My patron name is Mary. If I wan to take her life as a model, I should (1) Have "a lot" of faith and obey whatever God requests of me. (2) Be humble, (3) Be reflective and thoughtful about the experience in my life, (4) Be kind to other human being and respond to their needs, (5) Be persistent in prayer yet let the answer be up to God because He knows best, and (6) Accept suffering quietly but never let go of faith
These sound like the critical core of walking the Christian path. Well, they are not easy to do, actually. Please help me Mother Mary. All I can promise you is that I will try.
Saturday, 18 August 2018
The Life I Want to Live
Some wise people say that if you can see the picture of what you want very clearly in your mind, it can be the beginning of that picture becoming reality. It is good to know what one wants in life or what one is seeking or trying to achieve. Here is the picture perfect of the ideal life I am longing for.
I want a life that is meaningful and joyful in everything that I do. I want a work that I can serve other people and serve God, living everyday with happiness in doing what I love to do. I want to be able to share my love to the world in my own way. I want to care for the poor, the sick, the animals, and I want to help the children and youth find their own way in the world. My job is not something I do only for money but also for the meaning of it and for the joy of it. A job that I can continue until old age. A job that will not tie me to a chair in an office everyday with routine schedule,bossy manager and boring meetings. This kind of work suffocate me and almost made me die inside many times in my life. In my perfect life, I want to be truly happy and fulfilled from my work. It should respond to the destiny of my life.
I want a life free of financial burden, free to travel, free to read and write and free to meditate and pray. Life is a cage if I have to worry every month whether I would have enough to get by. If I have to keep pleasing customers and employers and keep saying yes to every job that don't really have meaning for me in order to have enough, I would find very little time and very little inspiration to do meaningful things that I love. So, in my perfect life, I have enough spare money that I can feel secure and have plenty of free time to do my favorite things in life: travel, writing, spiritual practice. Also, I can spend a lot of time with friends, family and the person that I love. In my perfect life, every moment is not in a hurry and is spent with seeds of love being sowed into this world. I don't have to be a billionaire or live luxurious kind of life all the time, but I don't want to live in poverty either. Just have enough to enjoy life without worrying about debts, enough to pay all the necessities of life, (an averagely comfortable life), enough to travel near and far every month and every year, and enough to give away to the needy and maybe set up a shelter for stray cats and dogs or a free-food giveaway shelter for the homeless.
I want a life that is not alone, yet not too crowded. I want to have a little home in a country area not too far from the city. I want to live with the person that I love. Having or not having children is not much of a big deal because I can go out to nearby schools or orphan homes and teach the children there anytime. I want to live by the side of the person who love me for who I am and our dreams and ways of life can support and uplift each other. I want the person to be kind, loving, unselfish, and funny because I plan to become that kind of person myself. The person by my side would be someone that I can also share the spiritual side with. We can love and serve the Lord in our own way without forcing each other to do the same thing. I appreciate what he does and he appreciates what I do. We just keep supporting and encouraging each other along the way. I want to have close-knitted relationship with this person. In my perfect life, I do go out to see other people from time to time yet most of the time I spend with the person I love and we enjoy our neighbors. It is not a super-socialized kind of life. Rather warm and quiet.
Writing about this perfect life can sound like daydreaming but I think it is like a lantern pointing to me the direction that I should move forward to. I don't know if I will be able to have this kind of life in reality before I die. Nevertheless, it is still good to try as long as I still live. At least, one can keep on walking until one cannot walk anymore. One can keep on swimming although there is no sight of shore.
Saturday, 21 July 2018
Hardship of making friends
One thing in my life that I'm blessed is friendship. However, I must say that fortunately I met the best friends that I'm having in my life when I was young and in school. If I had to start making new friends when I'm already an adult, out in the working world, and sick with depression and anxierty, I would have no friends at all, only acquaintances. Here are the reasons why.
The world of working is not like school. There are profits, benefits, power, and positions for people to grab. I learned the hard way that people have something behind their back although they maybe smiling to me. When we were young, we just study. Each person makes his or her own grade. It is very easy to make friends because nothing drive us to step on each other's head in order to win. Insincerity that I have experienced in my adult life somehow made me distrust people and I realize later that I have not made any new friends after I graduated from university.
I believe many other people have similar experience. They learn not to trust. So, it is not surprising that they do not trust me or they may have reasons to run away from me once they hear or see something about me that they find disturbing. The things they hear maybe true or not true, but people tend to avoid other people that they do not understand. Maybe it's a part of playing-it-safe strategy in this society. It could be possible too that the lack of trust in me brings out the lack of trust in other people. I don't blame them.
My mental illness also drives other away. I have mild social phobia that lurks its head from time to time and it is not surprising that people don't understand why I tend to withdraw myself from the community. And I don't know how to explain it to them. My anxiety makes me doubt their motives and many times little things people do, like an acting cold or ignoring or a few uncaring words, can make me feel hurt for days or even have bad dream.
Finally, I have to say that it hurts to trust. Although I learned a lot of hard lesson about people, but I'm still somehow gullible. I let myself get hurt again and again. There are moments, sometimes in my life, that I want to open up and talk about me, the real me, my real problems, to those who seem as though they are sincerely care and want to help. The latest incident was last month. There was this group of people that I saw sometimes but not close to. One day, all of a sudden, they acted caring toward me, asking me to tell them my problems, offering many advice and opinions. I trusted them and I opened up about my problems and my view of life (which is rather dark, of course). They seemed ok about it on that day. One month later, I met them again at the same place. Most of them just gave me a faint smile and then walked away. One of them evidently tried to avoid me. It hurts really badly. I felt stupid trusting and telling my problems to them. Maybe they are just curious about what is going on in the mind of this weird-looking person. Once they are satisfied, they have no reason to care about me anymore. Their coldness put me to tears today and made me unable to sleep tonight. I wish I had not trusted people so easily. This is another event that I should learn from.
Nevertheless, deep inside of me, I wish one day I could have a new friend, a real friend, just like the best of friends that I have since I was a youth. I know that people are not all bad. There are many good people out there. If I could make friends in my adult life, I would be so happy. Life would be more beautiful and I might have more courage to do something important about this life I'm living. Sadly...I really don't know what to do with my lack of trust and I really don't know who I should trust, except the old friends who have been with me through thick and thin for like 20 years. Maybe what I should put more effort on is to preserve their friendship because it worth much more than gold.
The world of working is not like school. There are profits, benefits, power, and positions for people to grab. I learned the hard way that people have something behind their back although they maybe smiling to me. When we were young, we just study. Each person makes his or her own grade. It is very easy to make friends because nothing drive us to step on each other's head in order to win. Insincerity that I have experienced in my adult life somehow made me distrust people and I realize later that I have not made any new friends after I graduated from university.
I believe many other people have similar experience. They learn not to trust. So, it is not surprising that they do not trust me or they may have reasons to run away from me once they hear or see something about me that they find disturbing. The things they hear maybe true or not true, but people tend to avoid other people that they do not understand. Maybe it's a part of playing-it-safe strategy in this society. It could be possible too that the lack of trust in me brings out the lack of trust in other people. I don't blame them.
My mental illness also drives other away. I have mild social phobia that lurks its head from time to time and it is not surprising that people don't understand why I tend to withdraw myself from the community. And I don't know how to explain it to them. My anxiety makes me doubt their motives and many times little things people do, like an acting cold or ignoring or a few uncaring words, can make me feel hurt for days or even have bad dream.
Finally, I have to say that it hurts to trust. Although I learned a lot of hard lesson about people, but I'm still somehow gullible. I let myself get hurt again and again. There are moments, sometimes in my life, that I want to open up and talk about me, the real me, my real problems, to those who seem as though they are sincerely care and want to help. The latest incident was last month. There was this group of people that I saw sometimes but not close to. One day, all of a sudden, they acted caring toward me, asking me to tell them my problems, offering many advice and opinions. I trusted them and I opened up about my problems and my view of life (which is rather dark, of course). They seemed ok about it on that day. One month later, I met them again at the same place. Most of them just gave me a faint smile and then walked away. One of them evidently tried to avoid me. It hurts really badly. I felt stupid trusting and telling my problems to them. Maybe they are just curious about what is going on in the mind of this weird-looking person. Once they are satisfied, they have no reason to care about me anymore. Their coldness put me to tears today and made me unable to sleep tonight. I wish I had not trusted people so easily. This is another event that I should learn from.
Nevertheless, deep inside of me, I wish one day I could have a new friend, a real friend, just like the best of friends that I have since I was a youth. I know that people are not all bad. There are many good people out there. If I could make friends in my adult life, I would be so happy. Life would be more beautiful and I might have more courage to do something important about this life I'm living. Sadly...I really don't know what to do with my lack of trust and I really don't know who I should trust, except the old friends who have been with me through thick and thin for like 20 years. Maybe what I should put more effort on is to preserve their friendship because it worth much more than gold.
Friday, 6 July 2018
Two Ways to Stay Alive
Suicide is something that I have to avoid because my parents live, I must find way to stay alive when there is nowhere to place my hope and no working solution is found. I will discuss the techniques that I sometimes automatically use in such circumstances, in order to live.
First, it is to think that life is a prison and a kind of Hell. This perspective may sound gloomy but it helps a person to feel numb and cold and easier to accept the pain. Having expectations that turn into disappointments or having hope and then losing it can hurt very much, therefore, to think that life is some sort of Hell is to prepare oneself for more pain ahead. There will be no disappointments because there is no expectation for things to be good. There will be no hope, just live on and be tormented. It does not reduce the pain but it is a way to accept them, like "you're in Hell, so of course, there will be things coming to torment you everyday. Don't be surprise." I will also think that if I commit suicide I might fall into a more horrible kind of Hell, so it is better to serve my term of prison here. A life sentence in prison of torment. Yet, in the world there are "tiny" corners of happiness left to be found in little things. Just simply very tiny and very rare to find. I would be thinking that it is better than living in the dark Hell below where the Devil has full control.
The above method has its downside, of course. But it does work to keep me alive. There will be no positive thinking or expectations. The heart will feel very cold and dry and the person become cynical. Yet, it is a coping method, the only way to feel hurt so much and still live my life when faith is not there. There will be no planning for a better future, better life. There will be no allowing myself to have any kind of hopeful thinking that things will become better. It is sort of against the recommended general advice to stay positive in most advice forum for depression. Yet it works. I wake up and pain rushes to my chest, I would be thinking, "Oh, of course, I wake up in Hell, and this is what Hell does." This method will not make me become a better person or find any enlightenment, just stay, just live. Live like a zombie. Live with expressionless eyes and dry spirit.
The second way is to use my imagination. It seems that the only thing that I have to hold on in the moment of extreme sadness is my imagination. I have had an imaginary brother since I was young, and I still have him now. I call him my brother and my angel. He always come around to whisper nice things, to comfort me, to help me get out of bed. He holds me when I cry. And there is "Dear Love" the one who will always love me no matter how I am or what I do, will always love me eternally. Dear Love is always keeping his eyes on me from out there somewhere in the universe. Dear Love wants to be with me but there is something obstruct our path. One day he will find a way to get to me and we will never part again. Dear Love feels all my pain and feel sad with me whenever I am sad, cry with me when I cry. I have not had a vivid picture of dear love in my imagination, only a transparent body form, but I can feel that love in my imagination many times. Thinking of Dear Love makes me "feel" again. It is like a stone cold heart will be able to cry again and become alive again, with a small ray of hope that maybe Dear Love will come get me when I die. He will find the way somehow. It is a belief and imagination I blindly hold on to no matter what. I want to hold on to my imagination of my brother and Dear Love even on my last breath.
As I am writing this, I feel my imaginary brother holding me and smile.
This method is like drops of rain on my dry heart. The only way to keep my sanity and my consciousness, the only way to feel anything positive or any hope at all. But of course, this is just a girl's imagination, not any Biblical belief or anything that has been confirmed by the world of religion. It is there in my world of dream, not in the real physical world.
In conclusion, the above methods are just my way to cope and to survive. They are working in helping me stay alive so far. I do not know how much longer they will work, but I think that if I am unable to use these two ways, I will choose death. People who suffer the severest state of depression would understand that sometimes there can be no light and absolutely no hope at all. At least if one day I decide to die, there will be some notes stating how far and how hard I have tried not to.
First, it is to think that life is a prison and a kind of Hell. This perspective may sound gloomy but it helps a person to feel numb and cold and easier to accept the pain. Having expectations that turn into disappointments or having hope and then losing it can hurt very much, therefore, to think that life is some sort of Hell is to prepare oneself for more pain ahead. There will be no disappointments because there is no expectation for things to be good. There will be no hope, just live on and be tormented. It does not reduce the pain but it is a way to accept them, like "you're in Hell, so of course, there will be things coming to torment you everyday. Don't be surprise." I will also think that if I commit suicide I might fall into a more horrible kind of Hell, so it is better to serve my term of prison here. A life sentence in prison of torment. Yet, in the world there are "tiny" corners of happiness left to be found in little things. Just simply very tiny and very rare to find. I would be thinking that it is better than living in the dark Hell below where the Devil has full control.
The above method has its downside, of course. But it does work to keep me alive. There will be no positive thinking or expectations. The heart will feel very cold and dry and the person become cynical. Yet, it is a coping method, the only way to feel hurt so much and still live my life when faith is not there. There will be no planning for a better future, better life. There will be no allowing myself to have any kind of hopeful thinking that things will become better. It is sort of against the recommended general advice to stay positive in most advice forum for depression. Yet it works. I wake up and pain rushes to my chest, I would be thinking, "Oh, of course, I wake up in Hell, and this is what Hell does." This method will not make me become a better person or find any enlightenment, just stay, just live. Live like a zombie. Live with expressionless eyes and dry spirit.
The second way is to use my imagination. It seems that the only thing that I have to hold on in the moment of extreme sadness is my imagination. I have had an imaginary brother since I was young, and I still have him now. I call him my brother and my angel. He always come around to whisper nice things, to comfort me, to help me get out of bed. He holds me when I cry. And there is "Dear Love" the one who will always love me no matter how I am or what I do, will always love me eternally. Dear Love is always keeping his eyes on me from out there somewhere in the universe. Dear Love wants to be with me but there is something obstruct our path. One day he will find a way to get to me and we will never part again. Dear Love feels all my pain and feel sad with me whenever I am sad, cry with me when I cry. I have not had a vivid picture of dear love in my imagination, only a transparent body form, but I can feel that love in my imagination many times. Thinking of Dear Love makes me "feel" again. It is like a stone cold heart will be able to cry again and become alive again, with a small ray of hope that maybe Dear Love will come get me when I die. He will find the way somehow. It is a belief and imagination I blindly hold on to no matter what. I want to hold on to my imagination of my brother and Dear Love even on my last breath.
As I am writing this, I feel my imaginary brother holding me and smile.
This method is like drops of rain on my dry heart. The only way to keep my sanity and my consciousness, the only way to feel anything positive or any hope at all. But of course, this is just a girl's imagination, not any Biblical belief or anything that has been confirmed by the world of religion. It is there in my world of dream, not in the real physical world.
In conclusion, the above methods are just my way to cope and to survive. They are working in helping me stay alive so far. I do not know how much longer they will work, but I think that if I am unable to use these two ways, I will choose death. People who suffer the severest state of depression would understand that sometimes there can be no light and absolutely no hope at all. At least if one day I decide to die, there will be some notes stating how far and how hard I have tried not to.
Reasons to be hopeless
Hopelessness and suicidal death are what man should avoid and never resort to, but sometimes they are inevitable because of some factors. I have written an essay on reasons to be hopeful before. This one is a contradiction to that. At this point of my life, I have found the following reasons to be hopeless.
Inescapable situations and unsolvable problems that last for years and years can lead to hopelessness. When so much effort have been put into trying to be hopeful but then all the glimpses of hope are destroyed over and over again, the positive "might be" scenarios are erased. When a situation turned out that all the attempts to get out and find the light is crumbled into pieces and what lies ahead is full of depression and agony and suffering no matter what one decides to do. Disappointment hurts. Shattering of hope hurts. It is not just a small hurt, it hurts like Hell, especially when it happens over and over again. Consequently, the person begins to ask this question, "why should I have hope? Why should I build it up again when it will soon be completely destroyed again anyway?"
When something reveals that the person who suppose to be the most reliable and most loving in the universe turns deaf ears to your prayer when you are crying to Him in extreme pain, when you trust and believe that God will protect and guide you, but then as years pass and you have entered the open water of danger, you found that God is unreliable and will only help you sometimes when He pleases no matter how much the situation hurt you, no matter how loud you cry out to Him, the pain from the shattering of trust is excruciating. In my situation, God allowed "the terrible thing" to happen to me again in a worsen degree than the last time. This one completely shattered all possibility for me to be healed anytime soon because it traumatized me again. Even at this moment, I still suffer traumatic conditions from abusive words and anger of a person. I woke up this morning with that suffering episode play back and those horrible and cruel words keep ring up in my ears like replay of music from Hell. I remember that I cried out in my mind for God to help when it was happening, but God let me be abused until I could not feel anything inside but numbness and then just saved me from suicide in the end. What kind of loving Father seeing a child being brutally beaten can ignore the child's cry of agony and wait until the abusive person has enough satisfaction in seeing me hurt until I have to beg, then save me. This is a question I cannot answer. What hurts deeper, however, was the fact that I asked for guidance from God some months ago, whether I should remain in the relationship or should try to gradually separate myself from this person. The answer told me to stay. Actually there were many times when I asked and I received the same answer about this. My addiction to the relationship is hard to break, it takes a long time to break, if I had begun the process a long time ago, I would have been in a better condition now. I did not try to get rid of all the hope in this relationship because the guidance I received. But look at what is happening here. I will never be able to healed and will certainly become more insane if I continue to be with someone who just said to me lately that he would hurt me whenever he wants to from now on. Throughout my recovery time in past several weeks, the same person said to me, "God sent me to you to be your encouragement and comfort in your hard times." Yes, he was like that for quite a while. I began to put my trust on him, allow myself to love him and be myself with him, and have more respect for him as a representative of God. Then, he turned into a demon right before my eyes, the same demon that has put me into the worsen state of mental illness in the beginning. If he is a representative of God, then I would have to say that God is unreliable. How can I say any otherwise?
A religion should be like a mattress that a person falls down to when he or she stumbles. A religion is something to rely on in hard times. A religion is something to provide guidance in life. When someone finds that his or her religion is not reliable and will have to live without anything or anyone reliable or meaningful, and life can turn into disaster at anytime, it can be absolutely be hopeless and may lead to death.
Another factor is the inability to find the meaning of things that happen. Victor Frankl said that one should find the meaning in every situation, whether good or bad, then one will be able to use such situation for the betterment of oneself and others. The book I have just read asks me to list 10 positive things about the bad situation that I'm facing. I really did try, even during the period that my depression was not very severe like today, but I could not find it. I see nothing good coming out of the situation that I am in right now. The thing that happened destroys my hope that I had just rebuilt and my chance to recover from mental illness. It leaves me no choice but to go through a really painful episode although the condition of my body and my heart is not ready. Staying means I will have to leave with bomb-field where I can step on one anytime and gets severely injured. Once the wound is stitched but not yet healed, I will step on another time bomb and bleed again. Separating means that I will have to through a very, very long period of severe depression, so dark and deep that I may not be able to function normally at all. I see nothing good coming out of this situation. Both choices lead to pain and agony. It only destroys me and my life and my faith. Good people in this world who can overcome the disasters in their lives were able to find the meaning from their situations. If I cannot find any in mine, it is hopeless that I can one day become like one of them.
In conclusion, there are reasons for a person to be hopeless and want to die.
Wednesday, 4 July 2018
On Humility
Lately, there seems to be a message from above sent to me to be humble. This matter is a complex one because humility is a very good quality for a person to have, yet it is not easy to acquire such quality. It is one topic that has confused me for a long time, and I find myself having it only in particular circumstances.
I have read those teachings for a long time, yet I cannot say that I truly understand what is like to be humble and be happy.
Nevertheless, I am not arguing against humility. Of course, it is a wonderful quality for a person to possess. If a person has it naturally as a part of their personality, it will allow him or her to fit into any situation and be loved by the people around them. Who does not like a humble person? A human who is truly humble will not disturb or hurt other people's ego. They will not have much expectation from others and from circumstances so they will be happy in almost any situations. Actually, we can even say that humble people are ones of the happiest people on Earth. They have nothing to lose. No fear of reputation or image being destroyed. No fear of losing in any competitions. No need to try to be the best in anything. They would not be afraid of failure either. They are quite free, indeed, I believe.
In my case, it seems that humility needs to automatically occur by itself, otherwise I would be faking it. This is not something that I can "try" to be or have. Being born a Leo, with the sun on Pisces, my personality is a contradiction in itself. I really do not understand how to think like a real humble person, but when I feel humble, it just happens automatically and I do not know why or how it happens. I cannot force myself to be humble. I can act or pretend but that is not real humility. The point is that I want to become truly humble but I just do not know how. Yet, in some situations, humility comes to me naturally. It is out of my control.
Many Christian people tell me, "Be humble. Think of yourself as nothing, We're just lowly sinners that God saves. He saves us and bless us although we do not deserve that at all." The problem is, when I try to be humble by that kind of thinking or try to view myself that way, I would fall deep into depression instead. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am bad, right? That is very depressing!
How can someone become humble and happy with that kind of thinking? This is a part that I never understand. Maybe I have always incorrectly perceived this notion.
An interesting point to consider is...I notice myself becoming humble naturally in front of people who are very humble themselves. I have met a few people in my life whose humility and loving quality are clearly shown in their personality that I cannot help but feeling sincerely humble in front of them. They are so polite, so nice, so sweet and kind, and I cannot help reacting to them that way too. It is like their humility is communicable. It seems as though if there would be someone who can teach me about being humble, that person has to be very humble. I have to learn by letting it happen naturally. I cannot use any logic because I have never understood humility in a logical way.
As for being humble before the Lord, I also have difficulty when I am told to be that way. I feel love and trust toward the Lord when I view him as my Father, but I would feel a big distance between me and the Lord if I have to see Him as a King. Viewing myself as a slave and viewing God as a King usually blocks my love that I have for Him. How can I love someone who presents himself as so much higher and greater than myself? The only way for me to view God as a King and still love Him is to imagine God being like the humblest and noblest King Bhumibol (King Rama 9) of Thailand because I naturally feel humble when I see his picture or when I see him on TV. King Bhumibol is someone so special. It is easy for me to feel both respect and love toward him. It feels natural for me to humble down before him and feel happy too.
As I mentioned before, humility happens in me randomly and I cannot control when it comes and when it goes. There are days, after mass, that I can easily fall down before the Lord and pray to him with genuine humility and love. The feeling happens by itself and I did not know what has caused it. On the other hand, there are also days that I felt hard and dry inside and did not feel like doing that at all. I just bowed my head and made a gesture of respect as manner required and then quickly got out of the church. This is the same with my reaction toward other human being. Normally, prideful and bad-temper people puffed up my ego and I wanted to react to them with anger, but there are also days that I suddenly become humble and reacted to them with humility and love and forgiveness. Again, I cannot control when I can become that way. It just happens.
So, as an assumption, I have to conclude this essay like this: I need to totally rely on God's grace for my humility because it is something I do not understand and I cannot make it happen by myself. (faking it does not count and intentionally trying to be humble makes me depressed). It seems that God has been trying to communicate this matter to me or trying to get my attention on it since yesterday. So I want to tell this to God, "Please help me. Like I told you before, I really do not know how to be humble. Please make me that way by your grace and send more humble people to me so that I may imitate them unconsciously. At least help me not to become boastful or prideful, because sometimes when I acted that way, I was not even aware of myself. Humility is a complex matter for someone like me, dear Lord. You have created me so I believe you know that very well."
***The above picture is from the internet. I do not own it.***
Tuesday, 3 July 2018
Reasons to be hopeful
At this moment in my life, I still have not found the answers or solutions to many of the issues that I am facing. Nevertheless, I think it is important to have hope because without hope I cannot really move on. It is unknown what awaits me in the future or whether I would fall down into the dark pit again. No matter what, at this point of my life I have the following reasons to become a little bit more hopeful.
I have heard of people who have fallen down into the dark pit of depression or condition that is utterly hopeless, but they were able to get up and use whatever they experience to become the light that shines for other people. Some people were so broke, without a penny left and with a terribly heavy burden of debt, yet they were able to clear away those debts and become a millionaire who help other people in need. Some have been on the brink of suicide, yet regain faith and hope in life, able to see clearly the way to do things right, and become the happiest and most fruitful person on Earth. There are also those who have been so lost in the world, not knowing what they are meant to do or what their lives are for, yet as time passes, they discovered exactly what they are here to do and their lives were totally changed and became so meaningful. I am not saying that I will definitely end up like those people, but there is still "probability " that I could be one of them. In other word, it is still impossible that I can become one of them. Why not? My life was in such a darkness, but these people's lives were in darkness too, some for a long time, before they found the light and become part of it.
Another reason is that God is still somewhat reliable to me. I am not saying that I have very strong faith. Actually, the same questions that hovered over me during the dark crisis of my life still hang there at the same spot. However, I have to admit that God still answers some of my prayer and still send some happy or joyful moments to my life sometimes. There were some guidance and some encouragement sent to me in various ways: though books, people's advice and kindness, dreams, sudden thoughts, etc. God is still in contact with me. Even if I must say that I am still reluctant to love Him the way I used to love and trust Him earlier in my life, I cannot deny that there are reasons that I should continue praying and seeking for God's help. Not all prayers were answers, but some were, so it is better than not praying anyway.
Most importantly, God has answered the prayer that is most important to my present life. He takes away "the terrible thing" that used to put me into insanity and hopelessness. The first time the period of peace lasted for a month than the attack began again. Yet, after some people were so kind to pray for me continuously, it disappeared again and I really hope that this time the peace can last for a year. Although nothing can guarantee it and I admit that I still have a lot of fear, the disappearance of "the terrible thing" helps me to regain much of the hope back and I can begin, although gradually, to heal.
To summarize, I cannot say that this hope I am finding will not be lost one more time. But I have the reasons to be hopeful that it "might" not end up that way. Many people have been in the darker pit, yet they were able to get out of that and fly away in the end. Maybe, just maybe, I might end up that way one day. If God is still kind to me from time to time, even after I shout horrible things to His face and blame him for so many things, then I have some reasons to believe that maybe He is really kind and that maybe He is the love that is above all kinds of love. Well, I do not believe that wholeheartedly now, I admit. But I give myself a chance to believe it, to wait and find out more. So, after all, I have the reasons to be hopeful.
I have heard of people who have fallen down into the dark pit of depression or condition that is utterly hopeless, but they were able to get up and use whatever they experience to become the light that shines for other people. Some people were so broke, without a penny left and with a terribly heavy burden of debt, yet they were able to clear away those debts and become a millionaire who help other people in need. Some have been on the brink of suicide, yet regain faith and hope in life, able to see clearly the way to do things right, and become the happiest and most fruitful person on Earth. There are also those who have been so lost in the world, not knowing what they are meant to do or what their lives are for, yet as time passes, they discovered exactly what they are here to do and their lives were totally changed and became so meaningful. I am not saying that I will definitely end up like those people, but there is still "probability " that I could be one of them. In other word, it is still impossible that I can become one of them. Why not? My life was in such a darkness, but these people's lives were in darkness too, some for a long time, before they found the light and become part of it.
Another reason is that God is still somewhat reliable to me. I am not saying that I have very strong faith. Actually, the same questions that hovered over me during the dark crisis of my life still hang there at the same spot. However, I have to admit that God still answers some of my prayer and still send some happy or joyful moments to my life sometimes. There were some guidance and some encouragement sent to me in various ways: though books, people's advice and kindness, dreams, sudden thoughts, etc. God is still in contact with me. Even if I must say that I am still reluctant to love Him the way I used to love and trust Him earlier in my life, I cannot deny that there are reasons that I should continue praying and seeking for God's help. Not all prayers were answers, but some were, so it is better than not praying anyway.
Most importantly, God has answered the prayer that is most important to my present life. He takes away "the terrible thing" that used to put me into insanity and hopelessness. The first time the period of peace lasted for a month than the attack began again. Yet, after some people were so kind to pray for me continuously, it disappeared again and I really hope that this time the peace can last for a year. Although nothing can guarantee it and I admit that I still have a lot of fear, the disappearance of "the terrible thing" helps me to regain much of the hope back and I can begin, although gradually, to heal.
To summarize, I cannot say that this hope I am finding will not be lost one more time. But I have the reasons to be hopeful that it "might" not end up that way. Many people have been in the darker pit, yet they were able to get out of that and fly away in the end. Maybe, just maybe, I might end up that way one day. If God is still kind to me from time to time, even after I shout horrible things to His face and blame him for so many things, then I have some reasons to believe that maybe He is really kind and that maybe He is the love that is above all kinds of love. Well, I do not believe that wholeheartedly now, I admit. But I give myself a chance to believe it, to wait and find out more. So, after all, I have the reasons to be hopeful.
Better to write in essay format
During the most recent crisis period of my life, I wrote in this blog with feelings and emotions. I let these two things lead my words. However, after regaining some sense, I came to think that it is better to write everything in essay format because it can bring many benefits.
First, it helps me to think before writing. Essay requires writer to have logical thinking and to clearly state opinions and thoughts with supporting reasons. This way, I will benefit from forcing myself to think with reasons instead of writing everything out of my emotion all the time. Being reasonable helps a person see things more clearly. Being under control of negative emotions can make a person become blind and do things impulsively, particularly saying stupid things that the person will regret later.
Second, I need to sharpen my essay writing skill because I teach people how to do this as a living. I used to be very good at it but recently I think I need to brush up a lot of vocabulary and expressions. It is good to practice the skill so that I can regain the strength in my writing and be more fit for teaching.
Finally, writing an essay rekindles the fire for writing in my heart. Writing has always been my passion since I was young. I always write when I'm sad, happy, angry, dreamy, etc. I always wanted to write my own book, an important book that is the mission for this life of mine, one that I need to write before I die. The passion for writing is still with me, but whenever I write something important, that work would be totally destroyed (by virus in computer or by computer being stolen) before it became a real book or get published anywhere. This made me become more and more hopeless in writing. Nevertheless, once I start teaching or writing essays, the fire seems to spark again and I feel the passion running in my heart and want to write more and more. This is what I am feeling right now.
In conclusion, I think I will mostly write the content of this blog in essay format. I feel a determination to do so, and believe that it would bring benefits to my life and maybe to the readers too.
First, it helps me to think before writing. Essay requires writer to have logical thinking and to clearly state opinions and thoughts with supporting reasons. This way, I will benefit from forcing myself to think with reasons instead of writing everything out of my emotion all the time. Being reasonable helps a person see things more clearly. Being under control of negative emotions can make a person become blind and do things impulsively, particularly saying stupid things that the person will regret later.
Second, I need to sharpen my essay writing skill because I teach people how to do this as a living. I used to be very good at it but recently I think I need to brush up a lot of vocabulary and expressions. It is good to practice the skill so that I can regain the strength in my writing and be more fit for teaching.
Finally, writing an essay rekindles the fire for writing in my heart. Writing has always been my passion since I was young. I always write when I'm sad, happy, angry, dreamy, etc. I always wanted to write my own book, an important book that is the mission for this life of mine, one that I need to write before I die. The passion for writing is still with me, but whenever I write something important, that work would be totally destroyed (by virus in computer or by computer being stolen) before it became a real book or get published anywhere. This made me become more and more hopeless in writing. Nevertheless, once I start teaching or writing essays, the fire seems to spark again and I feel the passion running in my heart and want to write more and more. This is what I am feeling right now.
In conclusion, I think I will mostly write the content of this blog in essay format. I feel a determination to do so, and believe that it would bring benefits to my life and maybe to the readers too.
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