Suicide is something that I have to avoid because my parents live, I must find way to stay alive when there is nowhere to place my hope and no working solution is found. I will discuss the techniques that I sometimes automatically use in such circumstances, in order to live.
First, it is to think that life is a prison and a kind of Hell. This perspective may sound gloomy but it helps a person to feel numb and cold and easier to accept the pain. Having expectations that turn into disappointments or having hope and then losing it can hurt very much, therefore, to think that life is some sort of Hell is to prepare oneself for more pain ahead. There will be no disappointments because there is no expectation for things to be good. There will be no hope, just live on and be tormented. It does not reduce the pain but it is a way to accept them, like "you're in Hell, so of course, there will be things coming to torment you everyday. Don't be surprise." I will also think that if I commit suicide I might fall into a more horrible kind of Hell, so it is better to serve my term of prison here. A life sentence in prison of torment. Yet, in the world there are "tiny" corners of happiness left to be found in little things. Just simply very tiny and very rare to find. I would be thinking that it is better than living in the dark Hell below where the Devil has full control.
The above method has its downside, of course. But it does work to keep me alive. There will be no positive thinking or expectations. The heart will feel very cold and dry and the person become cynical. Yet, it is a coping method, the only way to feel hurt so much and still live my life when faith is not there. There will be no planning for a better future, better life. There will be no allowing myself to have any kind of hopeful thinking that things will become better. It is sort of against the recommended general advice to stay positive in most advice forum for depression. Yet it works. I wake up and pain rushes to my chest, I would be thinking, "Oh, of course, I wake up in Hell, and this is what Hell does." This method will not make me become a better person or find any enlightenment, just stay, just live. Live like a zombie. Live with expressionless eyes and dry spirit.
The second way is to use my imagination. It seems that the only thing that I have to hold on in the moment of extreme sadness is my imagination. I have had an imaginary brother since I was young, and I still have him now. I call him my brother and my angel. He always come around to whisper nice things, to comfort me, to help me get out of bed. He holds me when I cry. And there is "Dear Love" the one who will always love me no matter how I am or what I do, will always love me eternally. Dear Love is always keeping his eyes on me from out there somewhere in the universe. Dear Love wants to be with me but there is something obstruct our path. One day he will find a way to get to me and we will never part again. Dear Love feels all my pain and feel sad with me whenever I am sad, cry with me when I cry. I have not had a vivid picture of dear love in my imagination, only a transparent body form, but I can feel that love in my imagination many times. Thinking of Dear Love makes me "feel" again. It is like a stone cold heart will be able to cry again and become alive again, with a small ray of hope that maybe Dear Love will come get me when I die. He will find the way somehow. It is a belief and imagination I blindly hold on to no matter what. I want to hold on to my imagination of my brother and Dear Love even on my last breath.
As I am writing this, I feel my imaginary brother holding me and smile.
This method is like drops of rain on my dry heart. The only way to keep my sanity and my consciousness, the only way to feel anything positive or any hope at all. But of course, this is just a girl's imagination, not any Biblical belief or anything that has been confirmed by the world of religion. It is there in my world of dream, not in the real physical world.
In conclusion, the above methods are just my way to cope and to survive. They are working in helping me stay alive so far. I do not know how much longer they will work, but I think that if I am unable to use these two ways, I will choose death. People who suffer the severest state of depression would understand that sometimes there can be no light and absolutely no hope at all. At least if one day I decide to die, there will be some notes stating how far and how hard I have tried not to.
No comments:
Post a Comment