Lately, there seems to be a message from above sent to me to be humble. This matter is a complex one because humility is a very good quality for a person to have, yet it is not easy to acquire such quality. It is one topic that has confused me for a long time, and I find myself having it only in particular circumstances.
I have read those teachings for a long time, yet I cannot say that I truly understand what is like to be humble and be happy.
Nevertheless, I am not arguing against humility. Of course, it is a wonderful quality for a person to possess. If a person has it naturally as a part of their personality, it will allow him or her to fit into any situation and be loved by the people around them. Who does not like a humble person? A human who is truly humble will not disturb or hurt other people's ego. They will not have much expectation from others and from circumstances so they will be happy in almost any situations. Actually, we can even say that humble people are ones of the happiest people on Earth. They have nothing to lose. No fear of reputation or image being destroyed. No fear of losing in any competitions. No need to try to be the best in anything. They would not be afraid of failure either. They are quite free, indeed, I believe.
In my case, it seems that humility needs to automatically occur by itself, otherwise I would be faking it. This is not something that I can "try" to be or have. Being born a Leo, with the sun on Pisces, my personality is a contradiction in itself. I really do not understand how to think like a real humble person, but when I feel humble, it just happens automatically and I do not know why or how it happens. I cannot force myself to be humble. I can act or pretend but that is not real humility. The point is that I want to become truly humble but I just do not know how. Yet, in some situations, humility comes to me naturally. It is out of my control.
Many Christian people tell me, "Be humble. Think of yourself as nothing, We're just lowly sinners that God saves. He saves us and bless us although we do not deserve that at all." The problem is, when I try to be humble by that kind of thinking or try to view myself that way, I would fall deep into depression instead. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am bad, right? That is very depressing!
How can someone become humble and happy with that kind of thinking? This is a part that I never understand. Maybe I have always incorrectly perceived this notion.
An interesting point to consider is...I notice myself becoming humble naturally in front of people who are very humble themselves. I have met a few people in my life whose humility and loving quality are clearly shown in their personality that I cannot help but feeling sincerely humble in front of them. They are so polite, so nice, so sweet and kind, and I cannot help reacting to them that way too. It is like their humility is communicable. It seems as though if there would be someone who can teach me about being humble, that person has to be very humble. I have to learn by letting it happen naturally. I cannot use any logic because I have never understood humility in a logical way.
As for being humble before the Lord, I also have difficulty when I am told to be that way. I feel love and trust toward the Lord when I view him as my Father, but I would feel a big distance between me and the Lord if I have to see Him as a King. Viewing myself as a slave and viewing God as a King usually blocks my love that I have for Him. How can I love someone who presents himself as so much higher and greater than myself? The only way for me to view God as a King and still love Him is to imagine God being like the humblest and noblest King Bhumibol (King Rama 9) of Thailand because I naturally feel humble when I see his picture or when I see him on TV. King Bhumibol is someone so special. It is easy for me to feel both respect and love toward him. It feels natural for me to humble down before him and feel happy too.
As I mentioned before, humility happens in me randomly and I cannot control when it comes and when it goes. There are days, after mass, that I can easily fall down before the Lord and pray to him with genuine humility and love. The feeling happens by itself and I did not know what has caused it. On the other hand, there are also days that I felt hard and dry inside and did not feel like doing that at all. I just bowed my head and made a gesture of respect as manner required and then quickly got out of the church. This is the same with my reaction toward other human being. Normally, prideful and bad-temper people puffed up my ego and I wanted to react to them with anger, but there are also days that I suddenly become humble and reacted to them with humility and love and forgiveness. Again, I cannot control when I can become that way. It just happens.
So, as an assumption, I have to conclude this essay like this: I need to totally rely on God's grace for my humility because it is something I do not understand and I cannot make it happen by myself. (faking it does not count and intentionally trying to be humble makes me depressed). It seems that God has been trying to communicate this matter to me or trying to get my attention on it since yesterday. So I want to tell this to God, "Please help me. Like I told you before, I really do not know how to be humble. Please make me that way by your grace and send more humble people to me so that I may imitate them unconsciously. At least help me not to become boastful or prideful, because sometimes when I acted that way, I was not even aware of myself. Humility is a complex matter for someone like me, dear Lord. You have created me so I believe you know that very well."
***The above picture is from the internet. I do not own it.***
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