Reasons to be hopeless

Hopelessness and suicidal death are what man should avoid and never resort to, but sometimes they are inevitable because of some factors. I have written an essay on reasons to be hopeful before. This one is a contradiction to that. At this point of my life, I have found the following reasons to be hopeless.

Inescapable situations and unsolvable problems that last for years and years can lead to hopelessness. When so much effort have been put into trying to be hopeful but then all the glimpses of hope are destroyed over and over again, the positive "might be" scenarios are erased. When a situation turned out that all the attempts to get out and find the light is crumbled into pieces and what lies ahead is full of depression and agony and suffering no matter what one decides to do. Disappointment hurts. Shattering of hope hurts. It is not just a small hurt, it hurts like Hell, especially when it happens over and over again. Consequently, the person begins to ask this question, "why should I have hope? Why should I build it up again when it will soon be completely destroyed again anyway?"

When something reveals that the person who suppose to be the most reliable and most loving in the universe turns deaf ears to your prayer when you are crying to Him in extreme pain, when you trust and believe that God will protect and guide you, but then as years pass and you have entered the open  water of danger, you found that God is unreliable and will only help you sometimes when He pleases no matter how much the situation hurt you, no matter how loud you cry out to Him, the pain from the shattering of trust is excruciating. In my situation, God allowed "the terrible thing" to happen to me again in a worsen degree than the last time. This one completely shattered all possibility for me to be healed anytime soon because it traumatized me again. Even at this moment, I still suffer traumatic conditions from abusive words and anger of a person. I woke up this morning with that suffering episode play back and those horrible and cruel words keep ring up in my ears like replay of music from Hell. I remember that I cried out in my mind for God to help when it was happening, but God let me be abused until I could not feel anything inside but numbness and then just saved me from suicide in the end. What kind of loving Father seeing a child being brutally beaten can ignore the child's cry of agony and wait until the abusive person has enough satisfaction in seeing me hurt until I have to beg, then save me. This is a question I cannot answer. What hurts deeper, however, was the fact that I asked for guidance from God some months ago, whether I should remain in the relationship or should try to gradually separate myself from this person. The answer told me to stay. Actually there were many times when I asked and I received the same answer about this. My addiction to the relationship is hard to break, it takes a long time to break, if I had begun the process a long time ago, I would have been in a better condition now. I did not try to get rid of all the hope in this relationship because the guidance I received. But look at what is happening here. I will never be able to healed and will certainly become more insane if I continue to be with someone who just said to me lately that he would hurt me whenever he wants to from now on. Throughout my recovery time  in past several weeks, the same person said to me, "God sent me to you to be your encouragement and comfort in your hard times." Yes, he was like that for quite a while. I began to put my trust on him, allow myself to love him and be myself with him, and have more respect for him as a representative of God. Then, he turned into a demon right before my eyes, the same demon that has put me into the worsen state of mental illness in the beginning. If he is a representative of God, then I would have to say that God is unreliable. How can I say any otherwise? 

A religion should be like a mattress that a person falls down to when he or she stumbles. A religion is something to rely on in hard times. A religion is something to provide guidance in life. When someone finds that his or her religion is not reliable and will have to live without anything or anyone reliable or meaningful, and life can turn into disaster at anytime, it can be absolutely be hopeless and may lead to death. 

Another factor is the inability to find the meaning of things that happen. Victor Frankl said that one should find the meaning in every situation, whether good or bad, then one will be able to use such situation for the betterment of oneself and others.  The book I have just read asks me to list 10 positive things about the bad situation that I'm facing. I really did try, even during the period that my depression was not very severe like today, but I could not find it. I see nothing good coming out of the situation that I am in right now. The thing that happened destroys my hope that I had just rebuilt and my chance to recover from mental illness. It leaves me no choice but to go through a really painful episode although the condition of my body and my heart is not ready. Staying means I will have to leave with bomb-field where I can step on one anytime and gets severely injured. Once the wound is stitched but not yet healed, I will step on another time bomb and bleed again. Separating means that I will have to through a very, very long period of severe depression, so dark and deep that I may not be able to function normally at all. I see nothing good coming out of this situation. Both choices lead to pain and agony. It only destroys me and my life and my faith. Good people in this world who can overcome the disasters in their lives were able to find the meaning from their situations. If I cannot find any in mine, it is hopeless that I can one day become like one of them. 

In conclusion, there are reasons for a person to be hopeless and want to die.