One thing in my life that I'm blessed is friendship. However, I must say that fortunately I met the best friends that I'm having in my life when I was young and in school. If I had to start making new friends when I'm already an adult, out in the working world, and sick with depression and anxierty, I would have no friends at all, only acquaintances. Here are the reasons why.
The world of working is not like school. There are profits, benefits, power, and positions for people to grab. I learned the hard way that people have something behind their back although they maybe smiling to me. When we were young, we just study. Each person makes his or her own grade. It is very easy to make friends because nothing drive us to step on each other's head in order to win. Insincerity that I have experienced in my adult life somehow made me distrust people and I realize later that I have not made any new friends after I graduated from university.
I believe many other people have similar experience. They learn not to trust. So, it is not surprising that they do not trust me or they may have reasons to run away from me once they hear or see something about me that they find disturbing. The things they hear maybe true or not true, but people tend to avoid other people that they do not understand. Maybe it's a part of playing-it-safe strategy in this society. It could be possible too that the lack of trust in me brings out the lack of trust in other people. I don't blame them.
My mental illness also drives other away. I have mild social phobia that lurks its head from time to time and it is not surprising that people don't understand why I tend to withdraw myself from the community. And I don't know how to explain it to them. My anxiety makes me doubt their motives and many times little things people do, like an acting cold or ignoring or a few uncaring words, can make me feel hurt for days or even have bad dream.
Finally, I have to say that it hurts to trust. Although I learned a lot of hard lesson about people, but I'm still somehow gullible. I let myself get hurt again and again. There are moments, sometimes in my life, that I want to open up and talk about me, the real me, my real problems, to those who seem as though they are sincerely care and want to help. The latest incident was last month. There was this group of people that I saw sometimes but not close to. One day, all of a sudden, they acted caring toward me, asking me to tell them my problems, offering many advice and opinions. I trusted them and I opened up about my problems and my view of life (which is rather dark, of course). They seemed ok about it on that day. One month later, I met them again at the same place. Most of them just gave me a faint smile and then walked away. One of them evidently tried to avoid me. It hurts really badly. I felt stupid trusting and telling my problems to them. Maybe they are just curious about what is going on in the mind of this weird-looking person. Once they are satisfied, they have no reason to care about me anymore. Their coldness put me to tears today and made me unable to sleep tonight. I wish I had not trusted people so easily. This is another event that I should learn from.
Nevertheless, deep inside of me, I wish one day I could have a new friend, a real friend, just like the best of friends that I have since I was a youth. I know that people are not all bad. There are many good people out there. If I could make friends in my adult life, I would be so happy. Life would be more beautiful and I might have more courage to do something important about this life I'm living. Sadly...I really don't know what to do with my lack of trust and I really don't know who I should trust, except the old friends who have been with me through thick and thin for like 20 years. Maybe what I should put more effort on is to preserve their friendship because it worth much more than gold.
Saturday, 21 July 2018
Friday, 6 July 2018
Two Ways to Stay Alive
Suicide is something that I have to avoid because my parents live, I must find way to stay alive when there is nowhere to place my hope and no working solution is found. I will discuss the techniques that I sometimes automatically use in such circumstances, in order to live.
First, it is to think that life is a prison and a kind of Hell. This perspective may sound gloomy but it helps a person to feel numb and cold and easier to accept the pain. Having expectations that turn into disappointments or having hope and then losing it can hurt very much, therefore, to think that life is some sort of Hell is to prepare oneself for more pain ahead. There will be no disappointments because there is no expectation for things to be good. There will be no hope, just live on and be tormented. It does not reduce the pain but it is a way to accept them, like "you're in Hell, so of course, there will be things coming to torment you everyday. Don't be surprise." I will also think that if I commit suicide I might fall into a more horrible kind of Hell, so it is better to serve my term of prison here. A life sentence in prison of torment. Yet, in the world there are "tiny" corners of happiness left to be found in little things. Just simply very tiny and very rare to find. I would be thinking that it is better than living in the dark Hell below where the Devil has full control.
The above method has its downside, of course. But it does work to keep me alive. There will be no positive thinking or expectations. The heart will feel very cold and dry and the person become cynical. Yet, it is a coping method, the only way to feel hurt so much and still live my life when faith is not there. There will be no planning for a better future, better life. There will be no allowing myself to have any kind of hopeful thinking that things will become better. It is sort of against the recommended general advice to stay positive in most advice forum for depression. Yet it works. I wake up and pain rushes to my chest, I would be thinking, "Oh, of course, I wake up in Hell, and this is what Hell does." This method will not make me become a better person or find any enlightenment, just stay, just live. Live like a zombie. Live with expressionless eyes and dry spirit.
The second way is to use my imagination. It seems that the only thing that I have to hold on in the moment of extreme sadness is my imagination. I have had an imaginary brother since I was young, and I still have him now. I call him my brother and my angel. He always come around to whisper nice things, to comfort me, to help me get out of bed. He holds me when I cry. And there is "Dear Love" the one who will always love me no matter how I am or what I do, will always love me eternally. Dear Love is always keeping his eyes on me from out there somewhere in the universe. Dear Love wants to be with me but there is something obstruct our path. One day he will find a way to get to me and we will never part again. Dear Love feels all my pain and feel sad with me whenever I am sad, cry with me when I cry. I have not had a vivid picture of dear love in my imagination, only a transparent body form, but I can feel that love in my imagination many times. Thinking of Dear Love makes me "feel" again. It is like a stone cold heart will be able to cry again and become alive again, with a small ray of hope that maybe Dear Love will come get me when I die. He will find the way somehow. It is a belief and imagination I blindly hold on to no matter what. I want to hold on to my imagination of my brother and Dear Love even on my last breath.
As I am writing this, I feel my imaginary brother holding me and smile.
This method is like drops of rain on my dry heart. The only way to keep my sanity and my consciousness, the only way to feel anything positive or any hope at all. But of course, this is just a girl's imagination, not any Biblical belief or anything that has been confirmed by the world of religion. It is there in my world of dream, not in the real physical world.
In conclusion, the above methods are just my way to cope and to survive. They are working in helping me stay alive so far. I do not know how much longer they will work, but I think that if I am unable to use these two ways, I will choose death. People who suffer the severest state of depression would understand that sometimes there can be no light and absolutely no hope at all. At least if one day I decide to die, there will be some notes stating how far and how hard I have tried not to.
First, it is to think that life is a prison and a kind of Hell. This perspective may sound gloomy but it helps a person to feel numb and cold and easier to accept the pain. Having expectations that turn into disappointments or having hope and then losing it can hurt very much, therefore, to think that life is some sort of Hell is to prepare oneself for more pain ahead. There will be no disappointments because there is no expectation for things to be good. There will be no hope, just live on and be tormented. It does not reduce the pain but it is a way to accept them, like "you're in Hell, so of course, there will be things coming to torment you everyday. Don't be surprise." I will also think that if I commit suicide I might fall into a more horrible kind of Hell, so it is better to serve my term of prison here. A life sentence in prison of torment. Yet, in the world there are "tiny" corners of happiness left to be found in little things. Just simply very tiny and very rare to find. I would be thinking that it is better than living in the dark Hell below where the Devil has full control.
The above method has its downside, of course. But it does work to keep me alive. There will be no positive thinking or expectations. The heart will feel very cold and dry and the person become cynical. Yet, it is a coping method, the only way to feel hurt so much and still live my life when faith is not there. There will be no planning for a better future, better life. There will be no allowing myself to have any kind of hopeful thinking that things will become better. It is sort of against the recommended general advice to stay positive in most advice forum for depression. Yet it works. I wake up and pain rushes to my chest, I would be thinking, "Oh, of course, I wake up in Hell, and this is what Hell does." This method will not make me become a better person or find any enlightenment, just stay, just live. Live like a zombie. Live with expressionless eyes and dry spirit.
The second way is to use my imagination. It seems that the only thing that I have to hold on in the moment of extreme sadness is my imagination. I have had an imaginary brother since I was young, and I still have him now. I call him my brother and my angel. He always come around to whisper nice things, to comfort me, to help me get out of bed. He holds me when I cry. And there is "Dear Love" the one who will always love me no matter how I am or what I do, will always love me eternally. Dear Love is always keeping his eyes on me from out there somewhere in the universe. Dear Love wants to be with me but there is something obstruct our path. One day he will find a way to get to me and we will never part again. Dear Love feels all my pain and feel sad with me whenever I am sad, cry with me when I cry. I have not had a vivid picture of dear love in my imagination, only a transparent body form, but I can feel that love in my imagination many times. Thinking of Dear Love makes me "feel" again. It is like a stone cold heart will be able to cry again and become alive again, with a small ray of hope that maybe Dear Love will come get me when I die. He will find the way somehow. It is a belief and imagination I blindly hold on to no matter what. I want to hold on to my imagination of my brother and Dear Love even on my last breath.
As I am writing this, I feel my imaginary brother holding me and smile.
This method is like drops of rain on my dry heart. The only way to keep my sanity and my consciousness, the only way to feel anything positive or any hope at all. But of course, this is just a girl's imagination, not any Biblical belief or anything that has been confirmed by the world of religion. It is there in my world of dream, not in the real physical world.
In conclusion, the above methods are just my way to cope and to survive. They are working in helping me stay alive so far. I do not know how much longer they will work, but I think that if I am unable to use these two ways, I will choose death. People who suffer the severest state of depression would understand that sometimes there can be no light and absolutely no hope at all. At least if one day I decide to die, there will be some notes stating how far and how hard I have tried not to.
Reasons to be hopeless
Hopelessness and suicidal death are what man should avoid and never resort to, but sometimes they are inevitable because of some factors. I have written an essay on reasons to be hopeful before. This one is a contradiction to that. At this point of my life, I have found the following reasons to be hopeless.
Inescapable situations and unsolvable problems that last for years and years can lead to hopelessness. When so much effort have been put into trying to be hopeful but then all the glimpses of hope are destroyed over and over again, the positive "might be" scenarios are erased. When a situation turned out that all the attempts to get out and find the light is crumbled into pieces and what lies ahead is full of depression and agony and suffering no matter what one decides to do. Disappointment hurts. Shattering of hope hurts. It is not just a small hurt, it hurts like Hell, especially when it happens over and over again. Consequently, the person begins to ask this question, "why should I have hope? Why should I build it up again when it will soon be completely destroyed again anyway?"
When something reveals that the person who suppose to be the most reliable and most loving in the universe turns deaf ears to your prayer when you are crying to Him in extreme pain, when you trust and believe that God will protect and guide you, but then as years pass and you have entered the open water of danger, you found that God is unreliable and will only help you sometimes when He pleases no matter how much the situation hurt you, no matter how loud you cry out to Him, the pain from the shattering of trust is excruciating. In my situation, God allowed "the terrible thing" to happen to me again in a worsen degree than the last time. This one completely shattered all possibility for me to be healed anytime soon because it traumatized me again. Even at this moment, I still suffer traumatic conditions from abusive words and anger of a person. I woke up this morning with that suffering episode play back and those horrible and cruel words keep ring up in my ears like replay of music from Hell. I remember that I cried out in my mind for God to help when it was happening, but God let me be abused until I could not feel anything inside but numbness and then just saved me from suicide in the end. What kind of loving Father seeing a child being brutally beaten can ignore the child's cry of agony and wait until the abusive person has enough satisfaction in seeing me hurt until I have to beg, then save me. This is a question I cannot answer. What hurts deeper, however, was the fact that I asked for guidance from God some months ago, whether I should remain in the relationship or should try to gradually separate myself from this person. The answer told me to stay. Actually there were many times when I asked and I received the same answer about this. My addiction to the relationship is hard to break, it takes a long time to break, if I had begun the process a long time ago, I would have been in a better condition now. I did not try to get rid of all the hope in this relationship because the guidance I received. But look at what is happening here. I will never be able to healed and will certainly become more insane if I continue to be with someone who just said to me lately that he would hurt me whenever he wants to from now on. Throughout my recovery time in past several weeks, the same person said to me, "God sent me to you to be your encouragement and comfort in your hard times." Yes, he was like that for quite a while. I began to put my trust on him, allow myself to love him and be myself with him, and have more respect for him as a representative of God. Then, he turned into a demon right before my eyes, the same demon that has put me into the worsen state of mental illness in the beginning. If he is a representative of God, then I would have to say that God is unreliable. How can I say any otherwise?
A religion should be like a mattress that a person falls down to when he or she stumbles. A religion is something to rely on in hard times. A religion is something to provide guidance in life. When someone finds that his or her religion is not reliable and will have to live without anything or anyone reliable or meaningful, and life can turn into disaster at anytime, it can be absolutely be hopeless and may lead to death.
Another factor is the inability to find the meaning of things that happen. Victor Frankl said that one should find the meaning in every situation, whether good or bad, then one will be able to use such situation for the betterment of oneself and others. The book I have just read asks me to list 10 positive things about the bad situation that I'm facing. I really did try, even during the period that my depression was not very severe like today, but I could not find it. I see nothing good coming out of the situation that I am in right now. The thing that happened destroys my hope that I had just rebuilt and my chance to recover from mental illness. It leaves me no choice but to go through a really painful episode although the condition of my body and my heart is not ready. Staying means I will have to leave with bomb-field where I can step on one anytime and gets severely injured. Once the wound is stitched but not yet healed, I will step on another time bomb and bleed again. Separating means that I will have to through a very, very long period of severe depression, so dark and deep that I may not be able to function normally at all. I see nothing good coming out of this situation. Both choices lead to pain and agony. It only destroys me and my life and my faith. Good people in this world who can overcome the disasters in their lives were able to find the meaning from their situations. If I cannot find any in mine, it is hopeless that I can one day become like one of them.
In conclusion, there are reasons for a person to be hopeless and want to die.
Wednesday, 4 July 2018
On Humility
Lately, there seems to be a message from above sent to me to be humble. This matter is a complex one because humility is a very good quality for a person to have, yet it is not easy to acquire such quality. It is one topic that has confused me for a long time, and I find myself having it only in particular circumstances.
I have read those teachings for a long time, yet I cannot say that I truly understand what is like to be humble and be happy.
Nevertheless, I am not arguing against humility. Of course, it is a wonderful quality for a person to possess. If a person has it naturally as a part of their personality, it will allow him or her to fit into any situation and be loved by the people around them. Who does not like a humble person? A human who is truly humble will not disturb or hurt other people's ego. They will not have much expectation from others and from circumstances so they will be happy in almost any situations. Actually, we can even say that humble people are ones of the happiest people on Earth. They have nothing to lose. No fear of reputation or image being destroyed. No fear of losing in any competitions. No need to try to be the best in anything. They would not be afraid of failure either. They are quite free, indeed, I believe.
In my case, it seems that humility needs to automatically occur by itself, otherwise I would be faking it. This is not something that I can "try" to be or have. Being born a Leo, with the sun on Pisces, my personality is a contradiction in itself. I really do not understand how to think like a real humble person, but when I feel humble, it just happens automatically and I do not know why or how it happens. I cannot force myself to be humble. I can act or pretend but that is not real humility. The point is that I want to become truly humble but I just do not know how. Yet, in some situations, humility comes to me naturally. It is out of my control.
Many Christian people tell me, "Be humble. Think of yourself as nothing, We're just lowly sinners that God saves. He saves us and bless us although we do not deserve that at all." The problem is, when I try to be humble by that kind of thinking or try to view myself that way, I would fall deep into depression instead. I am worthless. I am nothing. I am bad, right? That is very depressing!
How can someone become humble and happy with that kind of thinking? This is a part that I never understand. Maybe I have always incorrectly perceived this notion.
An interesting point to consider is...I notice myself becoming humble naturally in front of people who are very humble themselves. I have met a few people in my life whose humility and loving quality are clearly shown in their personality that I cannot help but feeling sincerely humble in front of them. They are so polite, so nice, so sweet and kind, and I cannot help reacting to them that way too. It is like their humility is communicable. It seems as though if there would be someone who can teach me about being humble, that person has to be very humble. I have to learn by letting it happen naturally. I cannot use any logic because I have never understood humility in a logical way.
As for being humble before the Lord, I also have difficulty when I am told to be that way. I feel love and trust toward the Lord when I view him as my Father, but I would feel a big distance between me and the Lord if I have to see Him as a King. Viewing myself as a slave and viewing God as a King usually blocks my love that I have for Him. How can I love someone who presents himself as so much higher and greater than myself? The only way for me to view God as a King and still love Him is to imagine God being like the humblest and noblest King Bhumibol (King Rama 9) of Thailand because I naturally feel humble when I see his picture or when I see him on TV. King Bhumibol is someone so special. It is easy for me to feel both respect and love toward him. It feels natural for me to humble down before him and feel happy too.
As I mentioned before, humility happens in me randomly and I cannot control when it comes and when it goes. There are days, after mass, that I can easily fall down before the Lord and pray to him with genuine humility and love. The feeling happens by itself and I did not know what has caused it. On the other hand, there are also days that I felt hard and dry inside and did not feel like doing that at all. I just bowed my head and made a gesture of respect as manner required and then quickly got out of the church. This is the same with my reaction toward other human being. Normally, prideful and bad-temper people puffed up my ego and I wanted to react to them with anger, but there are also days that I suddenly become humble and reacted to them with humility and love and forgiveness. Again, I cannot control when I can become that way. It just happens.
So, as an assumption, I have to conclude this essay like this: I need to totally rely on God's grace for my humility because it is something I do not understand and I cannot make it happen by myself. (faking it does not count and intentionally trying to be humble makes me depressed). It seems that God has been trying to communicate this matter to me or trying to get my attention on it since yesterday. So I want to tell this to God, "Please help me. Like I told you before, I really do not know how to be humble. Please make me that way by your grace and send more humble people to me so that I may imitate them unconsciously. At least help me not to become boastful or prideful, because sometimes when I acted that way, I was not even aware of myself. Humility is a complex matter for someone like me, dear Lord. You have created me so I believe you know that very well."
***The above picture is from the internet. I do not own it.***
Tuesday, 3 July 2018
Reasons to be hopeful
At this moment in my life, I still have not found the answers or solutions to many of the issues that I am facing. Nevertheless, I think it is important to have hope because without hope I cannot really move on. It is unknown what awaits me in the future or whether I would fall down into the dark pit again. No matter what, at this point of my life I have the following reasons to become a little bit more hopeful.
I have heard of people who have fallen down into the dark pit of depression or condition that is utterly hopeless, but they were able to get up and use whatever they experience to become the light that shines for other people. Some people were so broke, without a penny left and with a terribly heavy burden of debt, yet they were able to clear away those debts and become a millionaire who help other people in need. Some have been on the brink of suicide, yet regain faith and hope in life, able to see clearly the way to do things right, and become the happiest and most fruitful person on Earth. There are also those who have been so lost in the world, not knowing what they are meant to do or what their lives are for, yet as time passes, they discovered exactly what they are here to do and their lives were totally changed and became so meaningful. I am not saying that I will definitely end up like those people, but there is still "probability " that I could be one of them. In other word, it is still impossible that I can become one of them. Why not? My life was in such a darkness, but these people's lives were in darkness too, some for a long time, before they found the light and become part of it.
Another reason is that God is still somewhat reliable to me. I am not saying that I have very strong faith. Actually, the same questions that hovered over me during the dark crisis of my life still hang there at the same spot. However, I have to admit that God still answers some of my prayer and still send some happy or joyful moments to my life sometimes. There were some guidance and some encouragement sent to me in various ways: though books, people's advice and kindness, dreams, sudden thoughts, etc. God is still in contact with me. Even if I must say that I am still reluctant to love Him the way I used to love and trust Him earlier in my life, I cannot deny that there are reasons that I should continue praying and seeking for God's help. Not all prayers were answers, but some were, so it is better than not praying anyway.
Most importantly, God has answered the prayer that is most important to my present life. He takes away "the terrible thing" that used to put me into insanity and hopelessness. The first time the period of peace lasted for a month than the attack began again. Yet, after some people were so kind to pray for me continuously, it disappeared again and I really hope that this time the peace can last for a year. Although nothing can guarantee it and I admit that I still have a lot of fear, the disappearance of "the terrible thing" helps me to regain much of the hope back and I can begin, although gradually, to heal.
To summarize, I cannot say that this hope I am finding will not be lost one more time. But I have the reasons to be hopeful that it "might" not end up that way. Many people have been in the darker pit, yet they were able to get out of that and fly away in the end. Maybe, just maybe, I might end up that way one day. If God is still kind to me from time to time, even after I shout horrible things to His face and blame him for so many things, then I have some reasons to believe that maybe He is really kind and that maybe He is the love that is above all kinds of love. Well, I do not believe that wholeheartedly now, I admit. But I give myself a chance to believe it, to wait and find out more. So, after all, I have the reasons to be hopeful.
I have heard of people who have fallen down into the dark pit of depression or condition that is utterly hopeless, but they were able to get up and use whatever they experience to become the light that shines for other people. Some people were so broke, without a penny left and with a terribly heavy burden of debt, yet they were able to clear away those debts and become a millionaire who help other people in need. Some have been on the brink of suicide, yet regain faith and hope in life, able to see clearly the way to do things right, and become the happiest and most fruitful person on Earth. There are also those who have been so lost in the world, not knowing what they are meant to do or what their lives are for, yet as time passes, they discovered exactly what they are here to do and their lives were totally changed and became so meaningful. I am not saying that I will definitely end up like those people, but there is still "probability " that I could be one of them. In other word, it is still impossible that I can become one of them. Why not? My life was in such a darkness, but these people's lives were in darkness too, some for a long time, before they found the light and become part of it.
Another reason is that God is still somewhat reliable to me. I am not saying that I have very strong faith. Actually, the same questions that hovered over me during the dark crisis of my life still hang there at the same spot. However, I have to admit that God still answers some of my prayer and still send some happy or joyful moments to my life sometimes. There were some guidance and some encouragement sent to me in various ways: though books, people's advice and kindness, dreams, sudden thoughts, etc. God is still in contact with me. Even if I must say that I am still reluctant to love Him the way I used to love and trust Him earlier in my life, I cannot deny that there are reasons that I should continue praying and seeking for God's help. Not all prayers were answers, but some were, so it is better than not praying anyway.
Most importantly, God has answered the prayer that is most important to my present life. He takes away "the terrible thing" that used to put me into insanity and hopelessness. The first time the period of peace lasted for a month than the attack began again. Yet, after some people were so kind to pray for me continuously, it disappeared again and I really hope that this time the peace can last for a year. Although nothing can guarantee it and I admit that I still have a lot of fear, the disappearance of "the terrible thing" helps me to regain much of the hope back and I can begin, although gradually, to heal.
To summarize, I cannot say that this hope I am finding will not be lost one more time. But I have the reasons to be hopeful that it "might" not end up that way. Many people have been in the darker pit, yet they were able to get out of that and fly away in the end. Maybe, just maybe, I might end up that way one day. If God is still kind to me from time to time, even after I shout horrible things to His face and blame him for so many things, then I have some reasons to believe that maybe He is really kind and that maybe He is the love that is above all kinds of love. Well, I do not believe that wholeheartedly now, I admit. But I give myself a chance to believe it, to wait and find out more. So, after all, I have the reasons to be hopeful.
Better to write in essay format
During the most recent crisis period of my life, I wrote in this blog with feelings and emotions. I let these two things lead my words. However, after regaining some sense, I came to think that it is better to write everything in essay format because it can bring many benefits.
First, it helps me to think before writing. Essay requires writer to have logical thinking and to clearly state opinions and thoughts with supporting reasons. This way, I will benefit from forcing myself to think with reasons instead of writing everything out of my emotion all the time. Being reasonable helps a person see things more clearly. Being under control of negative emotions can make a person become blind and do things impulsively, particularly saying stupid things that the person will regret later.
Second, I need to sharpen my essay writing skill because I teach people how to do this as a living. I used to be very good at it but recently I think I need to brush up a lot of vocabulary and expressions. It is good to practice the skill so that I can regain the strength in my writing and be more fit for teaching.
Finally, writing an essay rekindles the fire for writing in my heart. Writing has always been my passion since I was young. I always write when I'm sad, happy, angry, dreamy, etc. I always wanted to write my own book, an important book that is the mission for this life of mine, one that I need to write before I die. The passion for writing is still with me, but whenever I write something important, that work would be totally destroyed (by virus in computer or by computer being stolen) before it became a real book or get published anywhere. This made me become more and more hopeless in writing. Nevertheless, once I start teaching or writing essays, the fire seems to spark again and I feel the passion running in my heart and want to write more and more. This is what I am feeling right now.
In conclusion, I think I will mostly write the content of this blog in essay format. I feel a determination to do so, and believe that it would bring benefits to my life and maybe to the readers too.
First, it helps me to think before writing. Essay requires writer to have logical thinking and to clearly state opinions and thoughts with supporting reasons. This way, I will benefit from forcing myself to think with reasons instead of writing everything out of my emotion all the time. Being reasonable helps a person see things more clearly. Being under control of negative emotions can make a person become blind and do things impulsively, particularly saying stupid things that the person will regret later.
Second, I need to sharpen my essay writing skill because I teach people how to do this as a living. I used to be very good at it but recently I think I need to brush up a lot of vocabulary and expressions. It is good to practice the skill so that I can regain the strength in my writing and be more fit for teaching.
Finally, writing an essay rekindles the fire for writing in my heart. Writing has always been my passion since I was young. I always write when I'm sad, happy, angry, dreamy, etc. I always wanted to write my own book, an important book that is the mission for this life of mine, one that I need to write before I die. The passion for writing is still with me, but whenever I write something important, that work would be totally destroyed (by virus in computer or by computer being stolen) before it became a real book or get published anywhere. This made me become more and more hopeless in writing. Nevertheless, once I start teaching or writing essays, the fire seems to spark again and I feel the passion running in my heart and want to write more and more. This is what I am feeling right now.
In conclusion, I think I will mostly write the content of this blog in essay format. I feel a determination to do so, and believe that it would bring benefits to my life and maybe to the readers too.
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