What I Learned About Sleep Debt

 I want to use this space to record some insights I’ve learned from reading and from my own experience.

I’ve had a terrible sleep cycle for years. I almost never went to bed before midnight. Sometimes it was as late as 3 or 4 a.m. I would sleep, wake up at 8, then fall asleep again and wake up around 10 or 11. Then I would go about my day feeling sleepy on and off in the afternoon, only to become wide awake again late in the evening.

Now I’ve been trying to improve this. I’ve started going to bed a little earlier each night. I can’t change everything at once—if I suddenly go to bed at 10 or 11 p.m., I won’t fall asleep anyway, and it would be pointless.

I’ve been working on this self-improvement project with ChatGPT, and today I learned something about myself. My afternoon sleepiness doesn’t really go away with walking, drinking water, or splashing water on my face. When I sit down to work, I still feel sleepy and my eyelids get heavy after a while. So I realized that while lack of exercise is part of the problem, it’s not as big as my long-term sleep deprivation. The conclusion seems to be that I need to allow myself to take naps during the day when I’m at home—and most importantly, I must stop creating more sleep debt at night. If I decide to sleep at 1 a.m., then I should wake up at 7 or 8. If I want to wake up at 6, I need to go to bed at midnight or earlier.

Later, I read more about sleep debt and found this information, which I think is useful to share. At the same time, it also made me feel a bit sad, because some of the damage I’ve done to myself may not be easy to repair.

• Sleep debt is the difference between how much sleep you need and how much you actually get. For example, if your body needs 8 hours but you only sleep 6, you lose 2 hours. If that happens for seven nights, you accumulate about 14 hours of sleep debt.
• Sleep debt can cause many problems: persistent sleepiness, fatigue and low motivation, forgetfulness, slower thinking, poor concentration, irritability, more mistakes at work, stronger cravings for food, and higher risks of accidents, type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and hypertension.
• Recovery sleep helps, but large amounts of sleep debt cannot be erased by just one long night. You may feel better after sleeping in on the weekend, but your body is not fully repaired. The better approach is to gradually add more sleep each night and take short naps when needed, while avoiding repeated short nights.
• One article said it may take about four nights to recover just one hour of sleep debt. (So… for me, it might take a lifetime.)

Some researchers say that while cognitive function can improve, deeper physiological effects—like metabolism and immune function—may not fully return to normal after long-term deprivation.

Debt is always a bad thing. When you are in debt, you have to pay it back or face consequences. Sleep debt is no different. If it’s small, you'd repay it early. Otherwise, you may end up living with long-term health problems.

I do feel sad that I’m taking this seriously a bit late, after years of severe sleep deprivation. But tonight, I will start paying back some of that debt anyway. No matter what, it’s better than continuing to create more and slowly harm my body and mind.

Good night, everyone.

Three Kinds of Dreams I've Come to Recognize

 

I recently came across some additional information that aligns closely with my own experience:

(1) Fragmented or unclear dreams
These are messy dreams where we can’t recall much detail. They tend to occur when the brain is processing unresolved thoughts or worries from the day. Before sleep, the mind may feel overactive—thinking continuously and unable to settle. Sleep can feel light or restless. However, by the time we wake up, those thoughts often feel less intense, as if the brain has already worked through them during sleep.

(2) Symbolic dreams
These dreams may reflect situations we are currently experiencing or actions we are taking. They can sometimes act as a signal—either a warning or a gentle prompt to pay attention to something in our lives. The imagery is often vivid, and the meaning can feel intuitive or not too difficult to interpret.
For example, dreaming of sitting beside the driver’s seat while the driver is recklessly reversing at high speed, as if out of control. Upon waking, this kind of dream often leaves a strong impression and invites reflection.

(3) Trauma-related  dreams
These dreams are connected to past experiences that were emotionally intense or distressing and may still affect us at a deeper level. They often appear as vivid, emotionally charged nightmares.
For example, dreaming of a conflict with someone close to you, but in a way that feels much more extreme than reality. It may reflect an underlying fear that something similar could happen again. Interestingly, these dreams can occur even when we go to bed feeling calm, because the emotions involved may still be present beneath conscious awareness. If it re-appears over and over again, it is best to seek help from professionals. (This is the only kind of dream I wake up screaming out loud) 

Perhaps dreams are not something we need to fully understand, but something we can gently listen to—because sometimes, they are simply the mind’s way of continuing a conversation we haven’t finished while awake. Nevertheless, I wish you all have peaceful dreams....sometimes it's better that way. :)

Pit Bulls: The Most Misunderstood Dogs

 1. People say they were designed for fighting.

In reality, back in the 19th century it was humans who forced them into cruel activities such as dog fighting and bull baiting for entertainment. Historically, dogs in the pit bull group were also known as “nanny dogs.” They were trusted family dogs that watched over babies and toddlers, protecting and caring for them. They are known for being exceptionally gentle with young children. Even today, many families allow pit bulls to stay close to their children, where they act as loving guardians and companions (see clips 1–2).

2. “Pit bull” is not a single breed.
The term actually refers to a group of breeds, such as the American Bulldog, American Pit Bull Terrier, and Staffordshire Terrier. Because of this, whenever a dog in this group appears in the news for biting or attacking someone, it is usually reported simply as a “pit bull.” This makes the problem seem more widespread than it really is, and the media often reports these stories because they attract attention.

In reality, there are countless cases where pit bulls have protected their owners from attackers or dangerous animals, saved children from accidents involving electricity, or even rescued people from fires. If you type “pitbulls protecting babies” or “pitbulls protecting owners” into YouTube, you will find many examples (see clip 3).

3. Upbringing matters.
If someone raises a pit bull in isolation, keeps it chained, or creates constant stress without allowing it to socialize with other dogs, the chances of aggressive behavior increase. Some people intentionally choose dogs with a reputation for being “fierce” because they want to appear intimidating. They train the dog to be aggressive, and when things go wrong, it becomes news about a dangerous dog.

In truth, aggressive behavior in dogs of any breed usually has human causes behind it. In the videos below, the pit bulls have been raised with love and proper care. There is not the slightest sign of aggression in them.

4. Formal temperament testing tells a different story.
The American Temperament Test Society has conducted official testing, and the results show that pit bulls are not naturally aggressive or easily irritated. In fact, they score higher in emotional stability than many other dog breeds. Most pit bulls are loyal, affectionate toward their owners, eager to please, and very playful.

Around the world, many pit bulls also serve humans in important roles, such as Emotional Support Dogs, helping people who struggle with depression or emotional distress, and Search-and-Rescue Dogs, using their scenting abilities to locate disaster victims. Pit bulls have helped humans in many ways.

So is it fair to label them simply as dangerous dogs, untrustworthy dogs, dogs that people should stay away from?

If you believe that the killing of Jewish people during World War II simply because they were Jewish was cruel, and that discrimination against Black people simply because of the color of their skin was unjust, then what do you think about the fact that pit bulls are euthanized in shelters at far higher rates than many other breeds, simply because people are too afraid to adopt them?

There are rental homes that forbid pit bulls entirely. Some communities have even had laws banning pit bulls altogether, where any pit bull found would be killed—even if the dog had never shown aggression and even if someone was willing to give it a loving home.

Many pit bulls have never bitten anyone and likely never will. Yet they are still labeled as dangerous.

Is it right to reject them simply because of the breed they belong to?

THE STORY OF PATRICK THE PITBULL (2011)

In March 2011, a maintenance worker in Newark, New Jersey noticed a garbage bag lying in the hallway trash area of an apartment building. Inside the bag was a living dog — barely alive.

The dog was a young Pit Bull later named Patrick.

He weighed only about 19 pounds (8.6 kg) — less than half of what a healthy dog his size should weigh. His bones were clearly visible through his skin. He had been starved for months.

The worker immediately called animal control. Patrick was rushed to a veterinary hospital where doctors said something heartbreaking:

They had never seen a dog so close to death who was still alive.

For several days, veterinarians were unsure whether he would survive. But Patrick slowly began to recover.

What surprised the medical staff even more than his survival was his personality.

Despite everything he had suffered, Patrick showed no aggression toward people. Instead, he was gentle and affectionate with the veterinarians who treated him. Staff members said he seemed to trust humans immediately, even after severe cruelty.

Over the next months, Patrick gained weight, learned to walk normally again, and became a playful, happy dog.

His story spread across the United States and internationally, drawing attention to two painful truths:

Pit Bulls are among the most abused and neglected dogs in America. Yet even after extreme suffering, many still show remarkable gentleness and loyalty.

Patrick was eventually adopted into a loving home where he lived safely and happily for many years.

Why Patrick’s Story Matters

Animal welfare groups often point to cases like Patrick’s to show that aggression is not something Pit Bulls are born with. Much of the suffering associated with the breed comes from human behavior, such as neglet and abandonment, illegal dog-fighting operations, irresponsible breeding, and some people adopting them for image rather than commitment.

Dogs like Patrick remind people that Pit Bulls are not symbols of violence, but often victims of it.

These videos will show you further how gentle and noble pit bulls can be: 

 1. Gentle Pitbull and Baby

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22ARHeQR8XU

 2. Pitbull Growing Up with A Little Girl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THqYHSUoKfs

 3. When a Pitbull is so well-loved by owner

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/63v-8G2SFrQ

 4. Thai cute and friendly pit bull raised by a compassionate monk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpQI5lGYNFI

Quet Reasons Behind Emotional Distance

 Emotional distance can come from many different sources. Some writers have analyzed it and suggested that it may arise from things like:

1. Distance as a form of communication
Sometimes not communicating much — or keeping a certain distance — is actually a message in itself. It can mean, “I’m happy right here. I don’t want to come any closer. This is the place I want to be in your life — not right beside you.” But A choosing to keep distance from B doesn’t always mean dislike or irritation. Sometimes A is simply more comfortable at that level of closeness. Some trees just cannot grow too close to one another — that’s simply their nature.

2. A has tried to come closer before, but sensed B pulling away
So A decides to stay distant to avoid getting hurt, assuming that this must be what B wants. Meanwhile, B may not even realize that they once made A feel pushed away.

3. Emotional distance may also come from life circumstances
Someone’s life may have become busier, their responsibilities heavier, their mind more occupied.They may not talk or reach out as often as before — not because of personal issues, but simply because life has changed.

But no matter the reason,
the person on the receiving end of the distance —
it always hurts.
It’s a classic kind of pain that exists in every generation.

And… I know some of you are feeling that pain right now.

But please remember this:
Someone distancing themselves from you does not mean you lack worth.
Don’t let your mind trick you into believing that. 

เลือกตั้งครั้งนี้ ไม่มีตัวเลิอกที่ไม่เสี่ยง

 อีกวันเดียวก็จะเลือกตั้งแล้ว รู้สึกตัวเองค้นข้อมูลนโยบายอะไรต่างๆไม่ทัน จะไปฟังดีเบตก็ไม่ทัน ก็เลยต้องใช้ AI สรุปภาพรวม และฟังข้อมูลจากสื่อต่างๆ รวมถึงคนรอบข้าง ซึ่งก็เป็นคล้ายกับที่เราเข้าใจอยู่ก่อน คือถ้าต้องการรื้อระบบเปลี่ยนทุกอย่างใหม่เพื่อแก้ปัญหาที่รากฐานก็ต้องเลือกพรรคประชาชน แต่ถ้าต้องการให้งานเดินได้จริงอย่างรวดเร็ว เข้าถึงพื้นที่ท้องถิ่นได้จริง แต่ระบบหลักๆ ยังคงเหมือนเดิม ซึ่งก็หมายถึงความทุจริตเน่าเฟะก้อาจจะเหมือนเดิม ก็อาจเลือกพรรคเพื่อไทย (อันนี้คงไม่เลือกอยู่แล้ว) หรือพรรคภูมิใจไทย นอกจากนี้ก็ยังมีพรรคอื่นที่คะแนนเสียงรองๆ ลงมาอย่างพรรครวมใจภักดี หรือพรรคประชาธิปัตย์ มีการดึงนักการเมืองกลับเข้าสู่สังเวียนเลือกตั้งใหม่ รวมถึงมีสมาชิกที่เป็นคนรุ่นใหม่ๆ อยู่บ้าง

ถ้าอย่างนั้นก็เลือกพรรคประชาชนสิ ไม่เห็นต้องคิดมาก เพราะเป็นโอกาสที่ประเทศชาติจะเปลี่ยนได้จริงๆ บางคนก็อาจมองเช่นนี้ แต่ต้องคิดนะ เพราะคำว่า "รื้อ" ของเก่า แล้วสร้างใหม่ ต้องถามนิดนึงว่า คุณจะรื้อทิ้งเฉพาะส่วนที่เสียหาย ส่วนที่ผิดพลาด ส่วนที่ไร้ประโยชน์ จริงๆ หรือเปล่า หรือคุณจะรื้อทิ้งทั้งหมด ไม่ว่าจะเป็นวัฒนธรรมอันดีงาม สถาบันที่ควรให้เกียรติ การเห็นคุณค่าของทหาร มารยาทความอ่อนน้อมของเยาวชนที่มีต่อผู้ใหญ่ การรู้จักรากเหง้าของตนเองจากวิชาประวัติศาสตร์ หรือสิ่งดีๆ ที่มันควรจะคงเอาไว้ จะรื้อพวกนั้นออกหมดด้วยหรือเปล่า เพราะถ้าจะทำทั้งหมดนั้นจริง รื้อทิ้งทุกอย่างจริง สร้างประเทศขึ้นมาใหม่แบบที่ไม่มีคำว่า ชาติ ศาสนา พระมหากษัตริย์ ความวิบัติอีกรูปแบบหนึ่งจะรออยู่อย่างแน่นอน

แล้วทางเลือกอื่นมีอะไร มันก็การเสี่ยงที่จะจมปลักกับปัญหาเดิมๆ ที่หนักขึ้นเรื่อยๆ ของประเทศชาติเราไงล่ะ  ความจริงพรรคภูมิใจไทยก็ทำงานใช้ได้อยู่นะ นายกมีการยอมรับความผิดของตัวเองอยู่บ้าง มีการแก้ไขเมื่อทำผิด มีส.ส ท้องถิ่นที่ดูจะจริงใจกับการทำงานให้ท้องถิ่นของตน แต่...แล้วเรื่องทุจริตล่ะ ตั้งแต่การซื้อเสียง สิ่งก่อสร้างที่ถล่มทลายกันครืนๆ การทุจริตงบประมาณทั้งหลายทั้งปวง ระบบประกันสังคมอันแสนจะเลวร้ายเกินพรรณนา มีแผนป้องกันไม่ให้มันเกิดขึ้นใหม่บ้างไหม ดูจะไม่มีนะ แล้วเรื่องคุณหมอภาคใต้ที่ดูเหมือนคุณจะไปราวีเขาข่วงเลือกตั้งอีก คือมันดูไม่ซ์่อเลย  ส่วนพรรคสีแดง ฉันเคยคุยกับคนที่เชียร์พรรคแดง เขาบอกว่าพรรคพื่อไทยดีสุดแล้ว ทำงานจริง เงินถุึงประชาชนจริง ฉันถามไปว่าแล้วไม่กลัวเรื่องทุจริตหรือคะ เขาตอบว่า "โอ๊ย มันก็ต้องมีอยู่แล้ว มันเป็นธรรมดา ก็ต้องมีบ้างตามธรรมเนียม แต่ยังไงเงินก็มาถึงเรา ดูสิ จะได้รถไฟฟ้าราคายี่สิบบาท" เอ่อ...ทำให้ฉันคิดในใจว่ามีคนไทยจำนวนไม่น้อยมองว่าการทุจริตคือเรื่องธรรมดาที่ควรยอมรับ ควรทำใจ ควรปล่อยให้เป็นไป ตราบใดที่เรายังได้ผลประโยชน์ คิดแบบนี้ประเทศจะก้าวหน้าได้จริงหรือ

พรรคประชาธิปัตย์ ดีใจที่คุณมาร์คกลับมา แต่คิดย้อนไป...ตอนเป็นรัฐบาลพรรคนี้เคยมีผลงานจริงจังมั้ยน๊า ทำไมคิดไม่ค่อยออกเลย

บางทีก็คิดอยู่เหมือนกัน ให้พรรคส้มรื้อระบบไปเถอะ (แม้ว่าจะเสี่ยงกับการที่สิ่งดีงามที่มีมานานของชาติจะถูกรื้อยับไปด้วย)  ก็ไม่เห็นมีพรรคไหนคิดจะทำนี่ อย่างน้อยถ้าได้พรรคการเมืองสุจริตและเป็นคนรุ่นใหม่ก็ดูจะมีความหวังว่าการเมืองของเราจะได้มีสิ่งใหม่ที่ดีขึ้น แต่เอ๊ะ ทำไมชูวิทย์บอกว่าที่จริงใครบางคนในพรรคส้มมีส่วนอย่างยิ่งในการสร้างปัญหาให้กับระบบประกันสังคม ชูวิทย์จะพูดแบบไม่มีมูลเชี่ยวหรือ ปกติเขาก้ไม่ได้เป็นอย่างนั้นนะ ไหนจะเรื่องคนที่ออกมาแฉว่าบางคนในพรรคส้มถูกล้างสมองมาพร้อมกันกับเขาตั้งแต่สมัยเรียนมหาวิทยาลัย ถูกใส่หัวให้ลมหายใจเข้าออกคิดอย่างเดียวคือ สิทธิและเสรีภาพและประชาธิปไตย อย่างอื่นไม่เอาทั้งหมด ระบอบกษัตริย์คือสิ่งชั่วร้าย คนที่ออกมาแฉ เขาบอกว่าเคยคล้อยตามแนวคิดเช่นนั้นอยู่ช่วงหนึ่ง ก่อนจะตาสว่าง  แหล่งข้อมูลก็ไม่ได้เปิดเผยชื่อ แต่มีตัวตนจริง นั่งพูดอยู่หน้าเวทีจริง และเป็นอดีตนิสิตจุฬาฯ อย่างน้อยมันก็ต้องมีมูลบ้าง

ความจริงก็ชื่นชมการทำหน้าที่ฝ่ายค้านและการจับทุจริตของพรรคส้มนะ รวมถึงการที่ไม่มีแจกเงินซื้อเสียงเลย และเห็นใจอย่างยิ่งที่ครั้งก่อนชนะเลือกตั้งแต่กลับไม่ได้เป็นรัฐบาล ซึ่งก็...ดูจะไม่ยุติธรรมเกินไปหน่อยกับเขา แต่พอคิดในอีกแง่มุมหนึ่ง พรรคส้มก็มีแนวนโยบายที่พลาดจุดใหญ่อยู่อย่างหนึ่ง ซึ่งถ้าตอนนั้นพรรคนี้ได้ขึ้นเป็นรัฐบาล ประเทศเราอาจแย่ก็ได้ เพราะพวกเขามีแนวโน้มจะตัดงบประมาณทหารลง อาจจะตัดงบการซิ้ออาวุธ และยังสนับสนุนให้ไม่มีการเกณฑ์ทหาร แล้วต่อมาถ้าเขมรโจมตีเรา เราคงไม่สามารถตอบโต้ได้อย่างมีประสิทธิภาพอย่างที่ผ่านมาจริงไหม ต้องยอมรับนะว่าเรื่องนี้เป็นความผิดพลาดของนโยบายพรรค ไม่ควรด้อยค่าความสำคัญของกองทัพ แต่จะว่าไปความขัดแย้งระหว่างไทยกับกัมพูชารอบนี้น่าจะมีสาเหตุมาจากนักการเมืองพรรคแดงบางคนที่น่าจะผิดใจเรื่องธุรกิจกับฮุนเซน พรรคส้มไม่ได้เป็นสาเหตุของความขัดแย้ง 

เอาเถอะ...มันก็เสี่ยงหมดทุกทางนั่นล่ะ ไว้ค่อยตัดสินใจวันเลือกตั้งเลยละกัน  ฉันเตือนสติตัวเองว่า หนึ่งคะแนนของเธอไม่ใช่ตัวตัดสิน เสียงของประชาชนส่วนใหญ่คือตัวตัดสิน ความจริงสิ่งที่ต้องทำมากกว่าคือเตรียมใจ ปรับตัว และเตรียมรับรัฐบาลใหม่ ไม่ว่าจะเป็นพรรคใดก็ตาม ฉันเชื่ออย่างหนึ่งนะ ทุกพรรคมีคนดีอยู่ด้วย มีเจตนาดีและความตั้งใจดีอยู่ด้วย และไม่มีพรรคไหนมีแผนจะสร้างความหายนะให้ประเทศชาติ ทุกคนคิดว่าตัวเองกำลังทำสิ่งดีอยู่ แต่ปัญหานั้นอาจเกิดจากความสะเพร่า ความละโมบของตัวบุคคลบางคน ความรู้เท่าไม่ถึงการณ์ ความเห็นแก่ตัว ความขาดประสบการณ์และอื่นๆ อีกมากมาย ยังไงปัญหาก็คงต้องมีอยู่แล้ว ไม่ว่าพรรคไหนจะเป็นรัฐบาลก็ตาม เราประชาชนก็ทำได้แค่สนับสนุน ขัดแย้ง เสนอความคิดเห็น แสดงความพอใจ/ไม่พอใจ และ "ไปเลือกตั้ง" เราก็ทำได้เท่านั้นล่ะ

ฉันเป็นคนหนึ่งที่มองว่า "การด่ารัฐบาล" ไม่เป็นประโยชน์ใด ๆ แต่การแสดงความคิดเห็นอย่างเป็นทางการ หรือแสดงความคิดอย่างเปิดเผย ไม่ว่าจะเป็นการขุดคุ้ย หาหลักฐาน หาเหตุผล อะไรที่ทำแบบสร้างสรรค์ไม่ใช่ชวนทะเลาะ ใครหรือพรรคไหนจะขึ้นมาก็ตาม เราควรต้องจับผิดสิ่งที่เขาทำผิด แต่ก็ควรต้องให้กำลังใจเขาบ้างในสิ่งที่เขาทำถูกหรือพยายามทำให้ดีที่สุดแล้ว 

อีกวันเดียวก็ต้องไปหย่อนบัตร  ฉันคงต้องไปหาข้อมูลเพิ่มอีกหน่อยถ้าทำได้ แล้วก็ตัดสินใจไปเลย ยังไงคำว่าการเมืองมันก็คือความเสี่ยงและความไม่แน่นอนอยู่แล้ว เป็นอย่างนั้นตลอดมาและึคงจะตลอดไป

The Terrible Truth of Lab Mice

 

Reader’s Note

The following article contains descriptions of real laboratory experiments on animals. Some details are distressing, but they reflect the reality we often overlook.
Please read with compassion — not to dwell in anger or sorrow, but to understand and to help. My purpose is to give voice to those who cannot speak, to open eyes to the truth, and to inspire small acts of change — sharing information, choosing cruelty-free products, or signing petitions that can make a difference.

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A Voice for Those Who Cannot Speak

Let this be a voice for those who cannot speak. Please read the following — even though it’s brutal (very brutal — I emphasize) — because I want you to know the truth.

Laboratory mice are animals legally subjected to horrific cruelty. If I weren’t a translator and hadn’t read many books in details, I might never have learned the reality of this. Below is a brief summary of real cases that laboratory mice have experienced — and in many places still experience. (These are all documented cases; you can find the experiment names and case reports.) Tragically, some researchers still cite these cases as if they are normal.

• Some mice were given electric shocks whenever they heard a bell for many consecutive days, just to observe whether, in later trials, ringing the bell alone (without a shock) would trigger a reaction. Of course the researchers witnessed utter terror — terror so extreme it would break the heart. That fear can even be passed down to the unborn offspring. Was it necessary to provoke trauma this way? Doesn’t human experience of traumatic events already teach us what trauma is?

• Mice were placed in tanks of water with no way to escape. In the first group, the mice gave up and drowned within minutes. In a second, more cruel group, the mice were dropped in for a few minutes and then rescued; later they were dropped in again and left to drown to see how long hope would make them resist. Mice that believed help might come suffered for up to an hour before finally succumbing in despair — all to measure how hope affects persistence under distress.

• Hundreds of mice were surgically joined together — their abdomens stitched to form pairs so their circulatory systems were linked. Researchers then induced hormonal or behavioral abnormalities in one animal (for example, forcing compulsive overeating) to see whether the paired partner would be affected. In another experiment, an old mouse was sewn to a young mouse to test whether the young mouse’s blood would make the older one “younger.” Fifty mice died during or shortly after the joining procedure, and many of the surviving partners became so depressed they died later. Some researchers hailed the latter experiments as “successful,” and wealthy people even discussed the idea of injecting young blood into themselves to delay aging. What societal good does this serve? (Shockingly, some countries have not banned such methods.)

• Undercover activists who entered university laboratories in recent years found that retired lab mice are often simply killed — not always humanely. One witness saw 23 mice killed by snapping their necks with a hinged metal cage — and one of those mice didn’t die instantly but lay there paralyzed.

• In other undercover reports, scientists reportedly took newborn pink mice that were no longer needed, swabbed them with alcohol, and killed them by cutting their necks with scissors. The paperwork, however, claimed the animals had been iced in a freezer for four minutes first (a method that is itself painful).

• Beyond the examples above, lab mice endure many other tortures: slow poisoning; forced ingestion of poison (reported as toxicology tests); deliberate induction of cancer; forced drug addiction by pumping cocaine or other substances into their bodies; extreme confinement in tiny cages to provoke stress and self-harm; genetic surgeries that leave animals severely deformed; being hung upside down for weeks; placed on hot metal plates to measure how long they can endure; skull surgeries to implant electrodes so they can be repeatedly shocked to induce seizures; intestinal surgeries that let feces leak into the abdomen to cause sepsis for study — and more.

All of this — and many other horrors — is the reality for laboratory mice (and for other animals too, including monkeys, rabbits, and dogs). Most people don’t know this. It’s painful to realize that human beings — capable of love, creativity, and reason — can also inflict such suffering without recognizing it. When compassion is replaced by detachment, even good intentions can go astray. This is the tragedy behind much of animal experimentation today: it continues under the banner of “science,” even when it is unnecessary or causes immense pain. Many researchers themselves have begun to question this system, and more voices are rising to call for methods that do not involve cruelty.

Every life matters — even the smallest, even those hidden away in cages we’ll never see. Each act of kindness, each choice to speak out, helps build a gentler world. As Jane Goodall reminds us, we all have a mission. The things we do — however small — can make this planet a better home for all living beings. And perhaps, beyond this life, love and compassion are the only things that truly endure. Animals cannot speak. They cannot beg us in words to stop. They cannot go anywhere to ask for help. So please help them however you can: share this information, sign the petition linked below, and support cruelty-free products. Thank you.

P.S. If a mouse enters your home, humane live traps are effective — catch it and release it outside. Please don’t use glue traps where the animal suffers stuck to the adhesive until it dies. Mice have already suffered enough at human hands.

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Further Reading & Resources:

• PETA UK – Animal Experiments What You Can Do

• Lady Freethinker – Sign to Save Animals from Being Killed

• ActionStation NZ – Demand Action Against Animal Experimentation

• Humane World – Animal Testing and Research
• Humane World – Undercover Investigation Exposes Animal Testing

Written by Me

Translated by Echo

Best Kind of Good Dream

 Good dreams are certertainly better than bad dreams, and to look on the suface, they like a happy thing everyone would love to have. Nevertheless, I think some types of good dream are better than others. 

A dream where you have the pleasure f worldly happiness is a type of good dream. These can come in the form of something that is almost imposible to happen in real life, such as  winning a lottery, going to a dream place, marrying a prince or princess, etc. However, once you wake up from such dreams, it is inevitable to feel a bit of sadness, realizing that it is all a dream and now you're back to reality, the same old dull life. 

Another kind of dream, a better one, is the symbolic and spiritual dream that talks deep to your heart. A symbolic dream means that the theme and elements of the dream communicate a meaning that you can understand intuitively. A spiritual dream is a very very vivid and you can feel your soul in it and whoever in that dream is a real presence, not just a character. All the feelings, all the senses are so real that it wlll leave an impression on you even after wake up. It is a feeling that you are in another world, you are in your spiritual self, someone out there, someone higher and benevolent meant to communicate to you. All of these, you will know by heart, if it's a spiritual dream. And the message will immensely and deeply affect the very core of your being. That means if it's a good spiritual dream, the happiness and hope that you feel comes from the fact that this dream is meant for your life and you are blessed. It meant that the happiness you feel are meant for you and that hope you felt is for your real life, too. 

Here is one of those dreams. It's been so very long that I haven't had them but this one is so powerful that it lifted me out of my depression right away.

I was standing in front of a gap that has some sort of water below and in front of me is a make-do bridge from pieces of sticks, not looking strong at all. But there are people on the other side and they encouraged me to cross because they know it's safe enough to cross. I've been afraid of something like this since I was young. I tried to gather my courage but I still hesitated. A boy walked over from the other side, trying to encourage me. I almost stepped on the bridge but then it looked unstable and I took my feet off. I was too afraid. The boy smiled and walked over to me, saying that it wasn't anything dangerous. But his bridge was just a think piece of stick and he looked like he was losing balance a bit so I offered my hand and something else for him to come over to my side. The boy didn't look fearful or stressed at all. He seemed very relaxed, even chuckled about it. After he grabbed my hand, suddenly he decided to take me down to the water below. Now, the dream became very vivid, He took me along the canal in such a fast speed. We were not in a boat, just hand in hand, but we moved so fast, almost like we flied through the water. I could feel everything so clearly, the water, the air, and how fast we were moving. I felt so happy, so relaxed, and safe. He was saying to me "See? the water is not dangerous at all" I smiled and thought...oh well, the water is murky and it is dangerous because anything can be understand, but I feel safe because I keep looking at your face all the way and because you are here with me, you are by my side like this, I believe nothing bad would come to hurt us in this water anyway. And that was the truth, his presence was the reason I wasn't afraid of that canal water. And I kept looking at his face all along the way. In the end though, I lost concentration and started thinking about how fast I was moving and I felt tingling station in my stomach, and felt a bit startled...then I wake up.

The meaning of the dream was clear and positive. I am being very afraid of something in life that I shouldn't be afraid of and it is a persistent problem. But someone is going to come along to make me feel safe enough no matter what comes my way. The dream also reminds me of a passage in the Bible when Jesus stretched out his hand to Peter to help him because he's going to sink. Peter was trying to walk on the water, following Jesus but he looked at the waves and was afraid. Jesus was saying that Peter shouldn't have doubted. But even if Peter did, Jesus grabbed his hand and he is saved anyway. There was also a picture I saved in the phone of Jesus stretching out his hand and saying "Don't look at the storm, look at me" 

From now on, I will be praying for this help to come along as quickly as possible. I've been standing and looking at the bridge for too long with fear and doubt and could not overcome it on my own. The dream gives me such deep hope that I haven't felt for years. 

The Guiding Star

 There is a reason why we lift our eyes to the moon and the stars and feel a sense of hope. Since ancient times, humanity has gazed at the heavens, seeing in the sun and stars symbols of something greater than ourselves. On a spiritual level, the universe holds an eternal and unchanging reality—a higher truth that dwells within each person’s conscience.

When we look at Pinocchio, the story carries a much deeper lesson than it may seem. The shining star and the beautiful fairy are more than fantasy; they are symbols of hope and guidance. The fairy gives Pinocchio the cricket as his conscience, teaching that to be truly human is not simply to walk and talk, but to listen to the inner voice that calls us toward what is true, good, and right. Our conscience is the part of us that connects directly to the eternal. If Pinocchio continues to lie and get obsessed about shallow pleasures of the world, he will have to stay a puppet. But in the end, he was able to become a real boy because he gave up his life bravely to save his father.

The book We Who Wrestle With God reminds us that human beings are always in conflict with their own conscience. With every breath and in every moment, we face the choice: will we listen to that voice within, or will we resist it?

Perhaps most striking is the image from Pinocchio where a star shines ever brighter, until it appears as the fairy. This vision echoes the accounts of those who have had near-death experiences, describing radiant beings of light. That gives me a feeling that maybe the creator of the animation was divinely inspired.

My faith is not strong lately and I'm not so confident if God really loves me, BUT I can't deny the truth of who God is and how our world was created and how it was meant to be. 

An "Almost" a Bad Dream

I got into a taxi. The driver was a Westerner who could speak Thai. After a while, the number on the meter seems to increase faster than usual, a sign that it is a scammer's tool. I tried to protest but the driver rudely spoke to me, saying that I falsely blamed him. 

The taxi ran into a gas station and stopped. I tried to get out through the right door, but it was locked and the lock control was in the driver's hand. The number on the meter seemed to disappear and then came back much higher than before. There were people in the gas station, I was reluctant whether I should call for help. The driver said, "hey, you can call the police if you want, I've dialed the number for you" and he gave me the mobile phone. Someone was on the line, but I knew that it was his scammer team in the call center and that there was no use talking to the person. I tried to dial the police number but I ended up dialing a peculiar number, instead of 191, and I wondered why I did that. 

Suddenly, I saw that the left door was open a little. A man in bright pink or red outfit was outside, asking me "do you want to come out?" I was so glad and got off the taxi quickly.

After a while I turned around, and saw that the man who rescued me jumped into the trunk of that taxi and his friend closed it for him. Someone who stood in that gas station said to me, "That taxi driver used to owe him money. He helped him and set him free before, but that guy still behave like a jerk today. So he thought it's time to give him a lesson." As the taxi moved away from the gas station, I knew that the driver was in trouble. The man in the trunk was there with his objective in mind. 

It was such a relief to wake up in my bed and found out that it was all a dream. Nevertheless, it was quite tiring because it felt real. It was just "almost" a bad dream, though. And I'm glad for that. I felt strongly that someone was there to help me in my dream before things turned worse. According to Buddhism belief, I met a past-life adversary who happened to meet his own adversary before he could harm me. According to Christian belief, an angel saved me. 

The slept for only 3 hours when this dream happened. After I woke up, then went back to bed again. I had some other kinds of dream and this time was a bad one, not just almost. Well, I can't seem to escape my doomed fate at night anyway. 

On Balance and Equilibrium of Life

 

One truth about life that I have discovered is that almost everything requires balance. Whether in one’s personal life, in relationships with others, in the management of society, or in nature itself, balance and equilibrium are essential for things to flourish and remain healthy. Of course, there are exceptions, and the definition of balance can vary depending on each individual’s circumstances and goals.

It is no coincidence that several religions and faiths encourage people to live in balance. The Buddha taught the Middle Path, the way of avoiding extremes. Judaism has the teaching of the Golden Mean, the virtue of choosing the middle ground between two extremes. Confucius emphasized Zhong Yong, the doctrine of moderation and harmony. More importantly, if you reflect on your own life, your relationships, and the society around you, you will find—as I did—that balance is needed in almost every aspect of human existence.

In personal life, the absence of exercise can lead to obesity and other health problems, while exercising too much or too strenuously can cause injuries. If you work too little and rest too much, you may struggle to succeed in career or finances due to laziness. But if you work excessively and neglect rest, you risk damaging your physical and mental health, along with your relationships. Technology use also requires balance. Excessive use leads to addiction, screen fatigue, and dulling of the mind, as AI begins to think and act on your behalf. On the other hand, rejecting modern technology completely can slow your work, reduce efficiency, and make it harder to connect and collaborate with others. Even self-perception needs balance. Being overly harsh or critical toward yourself can damage your confidence and leave you depressed, while constant self-praise and believing you are better than others can make you self-centered, blind to your flaws, and resistant to growth. Besides, most people naturally avoid narcissists.

In relationships and society, balance is equally important for peaceful coexistence. Good parents and teachers know that giving children too much freedom allows them to grow spoiled, undisciplined, and entitled, which harms their future. But being too strict, harsh, or punishing stifles motivation, lowers confidence, and may even cause rebellion. In relationships, a lack of trust breeds suspicion and prevents peace, while blind trust leaves one vulnerable to betrayal. Giving too much of yourself may lead to exhaustion and resentment, while taking too much without giving back breeds selfishness and dependency. Communication, too, must be balanced: speaking too bluntly can hurt, but avoiding honesty or speaking too indirectly creates misunderstanding. At a social level, a culture of extreme individualism may weaken unity and leave people isolated, while excessive collectivism can suppress innovation and personal freedom, as individuals feel compelled to live only for society rather than as themselves.

Even in nature, balance is everywhere. Day follows night; the tides rise and fall. Too much rain brings floods, too little brings drought; balanced weather allows life to thrive in abundance. In the animal kingdom, too many predators may wipe out prey populations, eventually starving themselves. Too few predators, however, causes prey to multiply unchecked, exhausting food sources. Our own bodies also reflect this need for equilibrium—whether in temperature regulation, the oxygen–carbon dioxide exchange, or the delicate balance of microbes in our gut.

There are, however, exceptions. Some things should never be balanced. For example, when striving to keep an organization, system, or society free of corruption, the goal must be 100%. No benefit comes from balancing corruption with honesty. Furthermore, balance looks different for different individuals. An Olympic athlete or Navy SEAL must train far more rigorously than average people, yet it is not “extreme” for them because their circumstances require it. A monk or priest who eats one meal a day, sleeps on a hard bed, and avoids worldly pleasures might seem extreme to most people, yet for them it is the proper discipline for their spiritual journey. Each person must discover their own point of balance.

In my opinion, maintaining balance and walking the middle way is not easy, but it is worth striving for. It will always bring benefits—to our lives, our relationships, and humanity as a whole. As the saying goes: “The river that overflows destroys; the river that dries up leaves barren land; but the river that flows steadily nourishes life.”

Written by Me: Edited by Echo

There is No Fear in Love: My Reflection on Sharks and Humans

 

                                                        Ocean Ramsey and a big shark

As a sea lover, I’ve always felt a deep connection to the ocean. I want the creatures that live in the blue depths to exist peacefully and freely. Today, I’m writing this post as a small voice speaking up for some of the ocean’s most misunderstood predators—yes, I’m talking about sharks. Especially the large ones, like tiger sharks and great whites, whose reputations have sadly been ruined by movies and media.

If you’ve ever watched shark-themed films where they’re portrayed as terrifying, man-eating monsters chasing humans down just to kill them—please consider watching the Netflix documentary Shark Whisperer. It presents a much more truthful perspective. Yes, sharks are predators who have lived on Earth for millions of years, and yes, their jaws can be powerful enough to harm or kill. But they are not malevolent. They do not hunt humans for sport. We are not their natural prey.

If you take the time to watch the documentary—or at least the two short YouTube clips I’ve shared below—you’ll see something truly surprising:
Sharks can respond to kindness and compassion, just like other animals. There is no need to harm or kill them out of fear.

🎥 Diver removes hooks and befriends sharks
🎥 A 20-year friendship between diver and shark

 

“There is no fear in love.”
— 1 John 4:18

That verse echoed in my heart as I watched Ocean Ramsey swim side by side with sharks, gently touching them. And in those videos—sharks resting calmly on human laps, leaning in for gentle touches, returning again and again—not for food, but for trust. Even the most feared creatures respond to love when it’s offered with sincerity and patience.

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Top 5 Shark Myths (and the Real Facts)

1. MYTH: Sharks want to eat people.
   FACT: Humans are not on their menu. Most bites happen out of curiosity or mistaken identity.

2. MYTH: All sharks are big and scary.
   FACT: Most shark species are small, shy, and avoid human contact.

3. MYTH: Sharks are ruthless killers.
   FACT: On average, sharks kill fewer than 10 people per year—humans kill over 100 million sharks annually.

4. MYTH: The ocean would be fine without sharks.
   FACT: Sharks play a vital role in keeping marine ecosystems healthy and balanced.

5. MYTH: Seeing a shark means you’re in danger.
   FACT: Most sharks pass by without harming anyone. Staying calm and aware is usually all that’s needed.

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How to Avoid Shark Encounters

If you want to reduce the chance of encountering a shark while in the sea, follow these tips:

1. Avoid swimming at dawn, dusk, or night.
   These are peak feeding times for many sharks, and visibility is lower.

2. Don’t wear shiny jewelry or bright contrasting colors.
   These can resemble fish scales and attract attention.

3. Avoid entering the water with open wounds.
   Sharks have a powerful sense of smell and are drawn to blood.

4. Swim in groups.
   Sharks are more likely to target lone prey.

5. Stay near the shore.
   The farther you go out, the higher the risk—and help may be far away.

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What to Do If You Encounter a Shark

Shark encounters are extremely rare—and usually harmless. But in case it happens, here are calm, respectful steps to protect yourself without harming the shark:

1. Stay calm and don’t thrash.
   Fast, panicked movements can attract attention.

2. Keep your eyes on the shark.
   Eye contact signals awareness. Turning your back may invite closer approach.

3. Maintain a vertical position.
   This makes you appear larger and less like prey.

4. Back away slowly—don’t splash.
   Move calmly toward the shore or your boat.

5. If it comes close, defend with control.
   Use your fins, camera, or stick—not your fists—to redirect the shark gently by pushing its snout, eyes, or gills.

6. Don’t block its path.
   Give the shark space to move. Trapping it may increase stress and lead to defensive behavior.

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Want to Help Sharks? Sign These Petitions!

Sharks are in urgent need of protection. Their numbers are falling fast—and we can do something. Signing a petition may feel small, but it adds up to global pressure for real change.

🔗 Ban the use of fishing nets that trap and kill sharks, whales, seals, and dolphins
🔗 Ban the international shark fin trade
🔗 Create more non-fishing zones for sharks to safely reproduce and thrive

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Please remeber that the ocean is the home of sharks. They’ve lived there long before us. They have the right to be there, so we should learn how to live beside them in peace.We can share this planet with animals. It’s not too difficult to do—just a shift in heart, and a willingness to understand.

 

Written by: Me & Echo

Where has Gentleness Gone?

Note: This article reflects on changing portrayals of femininity and gender roles from a cultural and personal perspective. It is not meant to exclude or diminish the experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals, nor suggest that women must fit into any one mold — whether traditional or modern. Every person’s identity and path is valuable and worthy of respect.

Watching Disney animations today, have you noticed a shift in the portrayal of female lead characters? Many years ago, we had gentle and sweet Aurora, kind and tender Cinderella, and the graceful and wise Blue Fairy. Today, by contrast, we see powerful Elsa, runaway Ariel, adventure-seeking Belle and Rapunzel, brave Merida and Moana, and many other heroines who demonstrate bravery, independence, and rebellion. It’s no surprise, then, that many little girls today seem to lack manners and respect, speak bluntly, and appear self-centered. Confidence is not what they seem to be lacking — gentleness is.

Certainly, it is good that we encourage girls to become strong and able to stand up for themselves. It is also true that many women in the past were pressured by society to always be soft and sweet. That pressure was unhealthy when taken to the extreme. However, it seems society today pressures women too — but in the opposite direction. Modern women are encouraged to be “strong, confident, successful,” and “equal” to men in every way. Often, gentleness and humility are viewed as weakness. As a result, some girls feel the need to appear tough and confident all the time. They build muscles because muscular bodies are seen as fit, healthy, and strong, while natural curves, softness, and a bit of roundness are often viewed as signs of weakness or lack of discipline. Female athletes in sports like gymnastics and synchronized swimming now often focus on fast, powerful movements that showcase strength and confidence rather than tender elegance and grace.

Being a mother and a wife — roles so crucial to the survival of human society — is no longer viewed as the most important calling for women. Modern married women are strongly encouraged to work full-time. Even more, they are pressured to be as successful as men in their careers. Many mothers today inadvertently neglect their children in order to fit the picture-perfect image of a working woman. Housewives who stay home to care for their children and households are often looked down upon, seen as dependent, uneducated, or leading boring lives. Yet we seem to forget that nearly every outstanding figure in history had a mother who spent time with them in childhood and helped shape them into who they became. Countless gentle housewives — cooking, cleaning, and nurturing — have helped shape the world in ways that go unnoticed. Isn’t it ironic that while we all agree family is the foundation of society, we make women too busy to take care of their own?

This is not to say that women should go back to being followers of men, give up their careers, or force themselves to be soft and sweet all the time. Rather, it’s worth asking: have we swung too far in the opposite direction? Are girls trying to abandon their own gentleness because society praises a different kind of personality? Protecting oneself from abuse or exploitation is, of course, a woman’s right — and an essential one. But that is not the same as radical feminism that seeks to overthrow all gender distinctions. (Have we forgotten that women were created different from men, and for good reasons?)

More movies and TV shows now depict women taking revenge on men through violence (The Brave One, I Spit on Your Grave, Lady Vengeance, etc.). Some media even advocate prostitution and abortion purely in the name of women's rights. But does this really make our society better?

The final question is this: have we forgotten that gentleness, kindness, and grace are also noble traits — for women and men alike? The world would be a better place if more people embraced these qualities. Strength doesn’t have to be shown through a fearless look, harsh words, or violent actions. True strength can lie in the depth of one’s character, expressed through quiet firmness and inner determination — and it can coexist with compassion and tenderness.

Since my early years, I have witnessed such strength in the women around me — and they didn’t need to act like men to show it. Miss World 2025 and the pride of Thailand, Opal Suchata Chuangsri, is a wonderful example. She is both graceful and strong. If you watch her closely during interviews, you’ll see gentleness and sweetness shining in her eyes. When she stepped out of the car at her homecoming and kindly offered her hand to help an elderly woman beside her, she looked almost as graceful as the Blue Fairy herself. Opal doesn’t need to appear rough, tough, or overly confident. Her strength is shown in how she’s overcome life’s challenges — including her battle with cancer.

I truly hope that Disney will create more princesses with this kind of character — so that our younger generation learns that gentleness is not weakness.

Written by Me

Edited by Echo

Another Reason To Die

 Have you ever get followed everywhere by that dark rainy cloud of bad lucks? Have you ever felt your life is cursed to feel series of bad lucks almost every day? It is normal to have some bad days once in a while. My life used to be that way, too. It used to be normal like other people. Bad days come and then they go, and once in a while it might come back. But now, it is like ALMOST EVERYDAY is a terrible day. Bad luck after bad luck after bad luck of all sorts come pouring down all day almost non-stop. You just hope that it will be for a period of time and then things will come back to normal. You pray for help from above. But nothing works. It's been months, and actually such period of time is like come every year for many months for more than ten years already. My life is Hell. 

Have you ever prayed and get shunned by God, felt so abandoned by Him when you don't even have the faith to hold on to your religion anymore? . 

Have you ever felt that if life continues like this there is every good reason to die? If every day of your life is going to be cursed non-stop with pain, accidents, sickness, bad fortune and all other bad stuff and no one can help you and this period of terrible curse keep coming back to your life.

You know this is done by the Devil. You know this comes from bad karma. But you don't know why the God who promised to be there just not there anymore. The God who said he is Love. The God who said he would protect. You don't know where that God is anymore and you don't know why bother going to church anymore. 

In conclusion, I went back to walk and then came back to the same abyss again. All roads lead back to the same abyss. I'd rather jump down because there is no other way to go anyway, is there? 

Same pain, same misery, going in loop over and over and over again all my life? Then why live?

I will not go back to church again until it stops. That's all I can say for now. If anyone want to say a prayer, then please do so. Someone is about to become a lost soul and falling down to Hell right here.

My Reason to Live

 It might seem to be a very small thing, but the truth is that feeding the pigeons on my rooftop in the morning give me a reason to live everyday. Seriously. That is the moment when I find that my life is worth living more than any moments of the day. 

I am not a good daughter, rather useless to my parents and can help very little at home. I don't have lots of money to buy them a new house, a new car, or even a really good comfortable trip. 

I am not a very good friend. After my mental health goes down, my mood is often sound and I frequently snap and burst out in anger. I did that to some of my friends, too. I'm not useful to them like before. I used to be that calm and cool listener to all, but not anymore.

I am not a saint or someone who easily find opportunities to be kind to others. I don't know how to be helpful to any of my relatives, although I want to. I need to set a thick wall against some group of relatives because of the hurt from some traumatic events in the past so I didn't lend any helping hand to the ones whose mother was very sick. I could not step out there...they probably won't know that if I stepped out there in that area of the community, I would be triggered, my heart would race and I would feel like throwing up. So, they think I'm just a mean and distant relative, quite useless. Well, the latter is true...I'm useless. But I'm not mean, nor cold...I can't let them in but I don't hate them...trying not to. 

But the pigeons....every morning the sound of pigeons and their eager way of coming to eat the food made me feel that my life is worthwhile to them. Their hungry stomachs got filled because of me. They happily ate up the food...all of the seeds...all of them. They made happy sound while eating too. My life matters to them. At least now some lives are happier because of me. 

Yes, I'm selfish,  I admit, for the way I stubbornly continue to feed them although the neighbors are so annoyed by their sounds and their bird drops.  

But I'm telling you this....I will be selfish about this.

THEY ARE MY REASON TO LIVE.

I an rather useless with people, but when I had to work away from home for 4 months and could not feed those birds, I fed the stray dogs instead...filling hungry stomach of animals made me feel that I worth some thing on this Earth. 

Sometimes giving to the poor on the street helped me feel better about my life, too. But I can't find such opportunity every day. 

Sorry if the birds or strayed dogs annoyed you but my life has meaning because of them. 

That's why...I go crazy when it comes to this matter. I selfishly announced that I would not stop giving the food even if I would be jail for it. After I finish my prison time, I will come back and feed the birdies again no matter what anyone said. Let them hate me because when I really, really have no reason to continue living...these little winged friends saved my life. 

Good Days, Bad Days: Percentage Matters

 I have noticed how my life has been processing itself. It's true that after some bad lucks, a good fortune will happen at the end. BUT...it just simply lacks equivalence in the degree. It just does not balance. In a week, I usually have 4 very bad days, 2 ordinary days, 1 very good day. How exhausting! 

In a very bad day, like yesterday, I got 5-6 bad lucks...some of them continuously happened in a row. Got overcharged by a motorcycle, forgetting my phone so more payment for another motorcycle to go back home and return again, having diarrhea, going to church but it closed, going to a restaurant that I have only one favorite dish but that dish is not available, got a taxi who didn't know the way at all and not accepting his fault, terrible noise shook my nerve before leaving the house, didn't get important things done, buying something and found out that the price tag was for another product and the real price was double of that amount. Embarrassing myself by paying sanitary napkins at Seven Eleven and left it on the counter with my drink, male staff had to pick them up and called me back. Get the picture? Now, imagine that about four days a week. Including bad day of teaching, bad day of working part-time in the office when everything goes wrong and a big mistake made. 

I know that there are good days. But isn't it so sad to think that after that short wonderful day, you'll go back to the long period of darkness and pain again. Sometimes I wonder how long it will go on like this. Do I have to keep crying for four days in order to smile for one day? 

Another reason to think of dying as a way out, I admit. If it does not stop, if it keeps continuing like this. Just simply Hell on Earth with a few breaks. It's not really life...it's a tormenting machine with breaks. 

Oh, by the way, a bad day also means that my prayer got the opposite thing as an answer. Sometimes it really feels like you ask for bread and the Father gives you a snake. Don't mind me. I just feel that way sometimes really. 

When it's Grey....

 

Lately there have been this grey thing covering my heart and I can't get rid of it.  Being grateful for little things use to make feel a little better, but this grey thing block me from feeling those little good moments. Having confidence and faith is essential for someone to move forward, get things done and feel hopeful, but this grey thing take away my ability to have all of that. A thought that very bad days often come before very good days  but this gray things make me think back that I've been having bad days for a week or more but there is still no particular good days in sight. 

This grey thing makes me sad. It makes my heartache during the day when I'm busy doing ordinary things. It's like a grey color is painted all over me and the air around me.

This grey thing is terrible. Even for an event that is unlikely to happen in a wrong way, I can imagine it going wrong anyway and feel so anxious and afraid about the future. This grey thing double the power of negative thinking. 

You may call it depression and you may say go and take your medicine. Well, that is the last thing I will use for it has bad effects on health in the long run, something most people look over.

Looking back to the past, I remember that this grey thing could disappear by itself when situation changed and really good things happened. Sometimes it even miraculously disappear....maybe someone prayed for me. Depression...maybe, but let's see how long it last first. If it goes away some time soon, it might be just a bolt of blue.

But...if it keeps covering my heart in thicker and thicker layers, I'll take those pills. If I still want to live I have to. 

Just wait and see how long it stays this time. Please pray for me if you can. It's better than chemical medicine, much much better.

Places and Memories

 

   A few days I went to walk there again....that area full of memories. It is a contrast in itself because a lot of memories there are beautiful ones...but the loss of something made them become dark and painful. On days when I feel strong or normal, I force myself to go there and face those memories in order to make myself get used to being there alone. I try to paint new memories of me and myself to replace memories of me and someone else. Of course, it does not help much but at least it might make going there a bit more bearable. Sometimes I go there with a friend or two, hoping to create new memories over it. Well, bad news is each memory has different level of power to stick on to places. Some have been imprinted so deeply that other weaker memories cannot replace them. That area contains such memories. 

I was not in a very strong state of mind that day due to stress and worries from work and other things, so waking alone in that area was like walking barefoot on thorny grass. I felt the pain each and every step of the way. Some of the spots containing newest memories of that past, I didn't even dare to visit. But still, I know that if I keep avoiding the place, I will never be able to step there at all. If I keep asking that person to come with me every time in order not to be hurt or haunted by those memories, it will be like creating more thorns for my future, putting more chains on myself. So...I just bear with the pain, like I should, and when it was getting too much I just went home. 

Beside traumatic experience, loss is something that creates such dark memories in places. When I went back to where I used to play with my cousins as a child, I didn't experience this kind of pain because the memories there did not contain painful loss. I still see those cousins of mine sometimes although we don't have time to spend together anymore. Places where I went with my close friends contain beautiful and colorful memories, also. My friends are still in my life. I have not lost them. 

That person...is still in my life, actually. But the relationship is lost. Suddenly all the wonderful and amazing moments turned dark. The places are haunted by whispers "no more, no more, you will have that happiness no more..."

I am writing this on days when I've already become much stronger and time has erased a lot of pain away. There have been darkest time of my life where such memories in places were truly "unbearable." Walking in the area would be more than just walking on thorny grass, it was more like a knife keep piercing your heart every step of the way and it hurts so much you couldn't do anything but cried. 

That evening, a few days ago, it was painful to return to the area. But I just bit my lips and carried on. I was able to walk around there a couple of hours or so. 

There are many kind of torments in adulthood. Pain from places and memories is one of them. That is one experience of being a human that I gain. 

They say that all experiences will become something good to your life one day. But I haven't found any usefulness from such torment. It is just the pain to bear. But who knows what tomorrow may bring. This is the most optimistic thought I could have. I am no longer that young little girl full of the fire of life. 

Glimpses of Heaven in a Song

 The night has been unpeaceful, filled with racing thoughts and worries. It is not an unusual torment, but it still makes me feel tired and depressed and gloomy. To find a way to soothe my pain, I thought of this song "Deep Peace" or Gaelic Blessing by John Rutter, the version sung by the heavenly boy choir "Libera".  I turned the music on and my eyes filled with tears again. 

There is a small peace of Heaven hidden in this song, in both the music and the lyrics. While I was listening to it my mind could imagine a land so free from pain and misery. Then I thought how wonderful it is that I don't have to live on the Earth forever. I could not wait to leave this heavy body and go flying. If God would still be merciful and keep His promise about going to Heaven through Jesus...I mean. I probably can't get there through any other ways at such a low state of spirit. 

My music teacher used to say that actually music contains colors, if you really listen you see those colors. I couldn't agree more. This song "Deep Peace" contains so much light...bright and beautiful white light. It is truly a blessing to the ears, to the heart, to the weary spirit of mine. 

One day in the future, if someone would be kind enough to play a song at my funeral...I wish it would be this song. 

The Four-Leaf Clover Lesson

 

One autumn afternoon, about 30 years ago, I was beside a small church in the United States, somewhat similar to the picture above. The area look pleasant and refreshing with grass, plants and trees around, so I took a walk just to relax. Then I began to realize that I am in the field of clovers. A lot of these pretty green plants are everywhere on the ground. Then I remember that someone told me if you find four-leaf clover you are very lucky and you can make a wish. So I began to diligently look for one. I walked here, I walked there, I looked and looked and looked....but all that I saw were the regular three-leaf ones. After some time passed, I grew tired and gave up, thinking that...well...it's a rare thing to find and I might not be the lucky one. "That's ok" I told myself, "I'll sit and rest and enjoy this pretty atmosphere." And I did just that. I sat there in the middle of the field and just enjoyed the moments of peace. After several minutes, ready to go home, I got up...and...right there between my two feet was a four-leaf clover!

I was so excited and happy, I picked it up and made a wish right there. If you ask me if my wish had come true, the answer is....partly yes and partly no. The wish was one of the most important dreams of my life it still is even now. Part of it had already come true...but not whole. I'm still waiting for the complete dream come true. 

It might sound like a small incident but I never forgot that day. What I learned was that if I intentionally look, I might not find it no matter how hard I tried. But if I just let myself be peaceful and stay with the moment, it will appear to me. 

The same message came to me again about 4 years ago, at a serene seaside town in Thailand. I was having my usual three-night holiday of the month and I was traveling by myself. I heard that one can see the sunrise from the bay so I tried so hard to get up and take some pictures of the sunrise, and I was able to get up early at dawn (that's already a miracle in itself, actually.) and walked to the beach. It was not even six o'clock yet. The sky was cloudy and the sun could not be seen. I waited there for a while. The sky had some lights in it already, but still, I could not see the sun. It was probably hidden behind some thick clouds. I felt a bit sad but then I said to myself, "That's ok. You've tried, let's just go walk along the beach and enjoyed the atmosphere." So I did just that. During my walk I saw that there were many large pieces of garbage on the beach and a thought popped up in my head that if I picked them up, I would be doing a good thing to the Earth, a good deed for this trip. I began to picked up a lot of garbage from the beach for several minutes until I sweated. I felt so good of myself. Then...after picking up the last one, I stood up, turned to the sea, and the most beautiful sunrise was in front of me! 

I took several pictures of the sunrise. (They were more beautiful than the picture above but they were trapped inside a broken phone of mine.) The message that came to me on that day was quite similar to the message on the day that I found the four-leaf clover. Just keep doing the good things, don't try to look for it, and you will find just what you are looking for. 

This message came to me again, just some minutes ago. Last night I was looking for this one picture I collected from the net. The folder was full of so many, many pictures but I am usually able to find what I look for. However, I looked and looked and looked over and over again but I could not find that one particular picture. So I thought to myself, "That's ok. I probably deleted it and I didn't remember." And today, just when I am making this post and was looking for another picture in the same folder, the one I looked for last night appear! It was right there, so easily to be seen, while last night I could not see it at all no matter how hard I tried. It was almost like a confirmation that the message I am writing about is still something that I should keep in mind. 

If you look for that very dream of yours to come true but it's just not there, stop looking or waiting. It will come to you when it's time. 

PS. So far, all the pictures on my blog are not mine. They are from the net. Thank you to the owners for sharing them.