Kindness of a Tree

Picture source : http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3069532/Hugging-trees-cures-cancer.html

I want to share this experience.  One day, after a quarrel, I had been crying. Although we already reconciled but I still felt depleted. The area was a green place with body of water,  plants and big trees. It was a very peaceful atmosphere and I felt some healing energy around. I am currently  translating Pranic Healing Book. It includes a part that says human can absorb pranic energy or life energy from trees. So I decided to try absorbing some energy from a large tree nearby. I asked permission from the tree to absorb its excess of energy and placed my hand on the trunk. It was so amazing. I felt like some electricity rushed through my hand, I felt loved, and I cried tears of joy. It was such a wonderful experience. 

Nature has been my healing source so many, many times in my life. I owe so much to her and I also said thank you to that tree by praying for it after I came home that evening. 

Survive After the Storm

When looking back through one of the most difficult periods of life, it is useful to think back and see what helped me survive through it. I was suicidal, terribly depressed and devastated, but I did survive  until the storm was over. (Thanks God it was over, at least for now.)

Here is the summary of what helped me:

- I was almost get trapped inside a mental hospital, but my parents saved me out of it. My mother asked me to promise her not to kill myself. She trusted me and she let me stay free from the hospital. And how could I possibly hurt her or betray her. I saw pain and sorrow in her eyes because she was so worried about me. So when I said I promised I really meant it.

-So many people sent their encouragement, even those who I didn't expect that they still think of me and care about me.

- I got some good anti-depression medicine and also another one for anxiety and hallucination

- Most importantly, I could not hate Jesus. I went to church on Holy Friday and was reminded of all the agony he went through during his trial and sufferings and crucifixion. Somehow I couldn't deny that it was all for me and for everyone in the world. My life was bad, but it would be much worse without his gift of salvation. I could not help but cried and said thank you to him. Somehow I still feel my love for him. Then I felt my heart melted and I felt a desire to surrender all to Jesus. I didn't really have the courage to do it all of a sudden like some people do, but I felt that deep desire to surrender, slowly and gradually, to God's will.

- God led me to two very good books. They talked about how to handle pain and fear and worry. One of the books is called "Fear" written by Thich Nhat Hanh. What I got out of the book and put into practice is how to stay with the moment and see the seed of fear and worry come up from deep within me, love it and hold it gently, and let it go back to sleep. I shouldn't be frantically pushing it away. I shouldn't be angry at it. Just let it peacefully come and go. There's something about Thich Nhat Hanh books and the way he preaches. Every time I hear his teaching, I felt a deep peace within. He must have a lot of God's light and love within him so much that it overflows to others. He is not against Jesus. He knows how universal truth is united into one. The other book was "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It teaches me how to stay deeply aware of the present moment, not to let my mind wander to the past and to the future, and create my own pain, which are all illusion. This one is helpful when I practice too.

- One of the most important factors of all, the man I love didn't leave me on the road like I fear he would. Somehow we are still together and somehow I began to notice that many times he sacrificed his own happiness for me. I prayed to God and it seemed that the prayer is slowly being answered. Maybe not all of a sudden, but he seemed to try harder not to hurt me with his anger and I was reminded by God lately that I should care more about his feelings as well. Love still carries us together on the river to the ocean. And I am still grateful...so very, very grateful..that he is in my life.
There are things that can be hard to take in a person, but it doesn't matter if love is stronger. We passed through a lot of ups and downs and I really hope that if our heart is united into the love of God, then that's the way how we can permanently be together. Our own self are so fragile and selfish. We need to hang on to God in order to learn how to love each other. And God has never left us.

That's all the things I remember when looking back...at the end of the storm.

The Road Less Taken...And Its Tragic Result

Once I saw a split on the road

One is well-worn, well-treaded

Almost all my friends and family walk on it

My ancestors walked on it

This is the way life should be, they said

This is how it's done

This is how life suppose to be

It's a boring, up and down road

But not too bad, we'll all make it through


But I saw another road there

The road less taken

It looked refreshing and new

It seemed to lead to a beautiful mountain

And I heard there is a rainbow on the top

And I had an adventurous spirit, back then

I was a mountain-climber back then

I had so much life in me 

So much strength in me

back then.


The road was so tempting

The road was so beautiful

Then I saw a man

He said, let's walk this road together

We will journey on a new path together

We will climb that mountain

And reach that rainbow together


"Ok" I said 

He gave me a hand and I took it.

He said "Let me carry your heart for you"

And I gave it to him.

But forgot to ask for his.


We start on the road less taken

Moving further and further away 

From the well-worn road

At first it was fun

The wood was fascinating

The rough path was challenging

So many flowers on the way too

And our hands  were in each other

All the time


But then it grew darker and darker

But then the storm began to blow

But then the thorns broke my shoes

And made my foot bleed


"Can we stop?" I asked.

"It hurt real bad 
I can't keep up with your pace now"

He shook his head. "No, just keep going"

"We don't have much time to waste"



I tried to keep on walking

But the wound got worse 

Infected and swollen

I began to lose my strength

My body shook in the storm

So cold, so cold, so cold


"Can we stop for a while?" I asked again
"I'm so weak now. I can't go on"
He began to get mad
"Why are you slowing me down?"
"Why can't you just keep on walking?
It's just a wound!
See, I have had many cuts and wound
but I'm ok.
You should be like me.
You should follow my example. 
You know it's a dangerous road



He dragged me on through bushes and thorns

I had more cut. I lost more blood. 

The road is darker, no more light

No more flowers to be seen.

I felt a dizziness 

I knew I was about to faint

And then I did faint


I whispered to him "I really can't go on.

No more strength is in me.

I need rest. I need healing. 

Could you help me find some herb and water?"


Unwillingly, he let me rest.

One minute, then he said,

"You know it's my goal

I want to walk this path

I want to reach that mountain

I want to see the rainbow.

I thought we share the same goal"

But now you stop walking

And I don't have much time because the road is long.

You can stay here, but I can't."


He's about to let go of my hand

So I begged, "don't leave me, please don't leave

You have my heart with you."

So he said, "here, I give it back."

And he gave me a piece of plastic

It was not my heart.

The man was not aware 

That he has swallowed my heart

My heart had blended into him

And there was no way that I could take it back


And then he said, 
"I can wait no longer."
"I will walk ahead, follow me if you can"
"But if you can't, then I can't help." 


He began to walk away

With my heart in his body.

Not knowing that he is killing me.

I am feeling my body frozen

I am running out of blood

I am dying slowly a painful death

No traveler can travel without strength

No hiker can climb any mountain 

Or find any rainbow

Without her own heart. 


Then I saw people on another road

Those that I knew

My friends, family, ancestors...

They walk the usual path

They fare well and they are fine.

Their pace is slow, there is no mountain to climb

There is no fancy rainbow at the end of their road

But what matter is that they are not lost.

They are not left alone to die.



It was an icy cold night

And I was in the middle of nowhere

And the road ahead look empty, dry and long

I had come too far to turn back 

I had come too far to change my path 

I had come too far from the split of the road


I have picked the road less taken

There is no way of turning back

I  made even a worse mistake

I chose to walk that wild and crazy road with a man

I chose to give my heart into his hand



I looked around.

No more water to be found

No more fire, blanket

My whole legs are infected

And there is no medicine.


I tried to crawl...with the last drop of my strength

Hoping to catch up with him

But his figure looked smaller and smaller

Further and further away

And I bled..and bled..and bled


So...

When the pain become too unbearable

And all the hope are dried up

I looked around and looked around

And I saw a cliff

A place to jump

A choice is there again

Plunging to the darkness

Forgetting everything

Ending the misery

Or struggle here

And die slowly and painfully


So this this the story

of a road less taken

and its tragic end. 


Hope other travelers learn from me. 

A Search for Peace of Mind

After I decided to have one more serious prayer for God to release me from the vicious cycle, and I am being given a period of break. I think it's good to shift my mind on something else, like some useful thoughts I found from text and books. Sometimes thinking and analyzing is the only thing that I can do to keep my mind occupied from painful negative thoughts, so I just do it,

Not long ago, I was sitting on a bus, writing my diary and crying. The lady who was sitting next to me, before she got off the bus, gave me a little piece of paper containing this:

God, give me the serenity to accept the the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference

             

This is called the serenity prayer. So I came to thinking that someone who have these three things surely find peace in his/her life. And what about me and my life? Not surprising that I have no peace because I don't have any of them!  

- First of all, I'm not so sure what are the things I can or can't change. It seems very confusing to me. Bur after thinking through for a while, I seem to see that I need to change something in myself and my life, but I have a problem doing that. And I've been trying to change something about another person, which I don't know if it's possible to change. (But I try to do it by prayer too)

- I don't have the serenity to accept the things I can't change. The vicious cycle is too painful for me. And there are some things about my life and relationship that if I decided to accept as a fact that I can't change, I will be put into a state of depression forever. That's why I'm still trying to change it, even trying to change another person's mind. I'm doing everything not to accept it as a thing I can't change because if I accepts, then I find absolutely no hope and joy in my life. I still don't know what to do with this perspective problem. 

- The courage to change the thing I can, well, a depressed person don't have much of that. Things seem to be cursed as forever hopeless. However,  I've been thinking that I need to change the way I think of myself, and the world and others. I need to change the way I relate to God and surrender more to His will. But there is a lack of faith going on right now and I'm afraid to trust Him. Past failures in my effort  to have a more peaceful and happier life also makes me feel that no matter how I try, it would not change anyway.

So I lack all three. Period. 

But no matter what, the kindness of the lady who gave me this little piece of paper would be imprinted in the depth of my heart. Simple little kindness can mean so much for a person in the dark.

This song heals me

Today, as I was working on the computer inside a coffee shop, I thought of this song, I used to recommend it to a friend and she commented today that it was powerful and beautiful. So I decided that I would listen to it again, just simply a feel-like-to-do it feeling out of the blue.

As the song began just a few second, tears brimmed my eyes, I felt I was lifted up. And when the refrain came up, I felt a power came into my heart and wiped away the pain. I cried tears of joy. I didn't know why I cried, but it felt like I was  brought into an ocean of prayers, like a prayer for humanity. We all suffer down here. We are in pain. Please help us. Let Your kingdom come.

I felt loved, I felt a presence of Love. And somehow I felt that Christ is truly the light and I didn't know why I felt that. It just happened inside my heart.

I felt like this song, this prayer, goes out to all who suffer on earth. I want to be a part of it. I want those who hurt receive healing and comfort. Then my heart begins to have a little hope for the future, a little desire to repent. And I also prayed for the one who hurt me, and I might have hurt him too.

These past few days, I struggled hard to keep my faith and trust in the Lord. When I think of the vicious cycle of darkness that kept repeating itself over and over, I thought of suicide. Actually, I've been planning carefully my suicide.

I will not say that this song can completely remove me from suicidal state.  But it truly gives me something that I haven't felt for such a long time.....

The Presence of the Lord.

The Wall Between Me and Them

There are many good people around me who try to help. They are so nice. I want them to have a good life and have all the happiness. I want my mom and dad to know that they did their best and that I love them so much, but I just can't stop this agony and they can't stop it for me. There are friends who care, there are those who pray, I want them all to be happy with their lives.

But I want to tell them that there is a wall that lock me in and you can't come in to the place where I am tormented.

The matter is between me and this man and God himself. No one can come to resolve it.
This man, he himself has all the capabilities to free me from the pain, the only human who can, But he would try to do it for a while (when God tells him to), then strum my heart with more pain. He doesn't really try to reach out to me when I'm in the dark. While all the others...all the others....they really try to reach out but they get stuck with the wall.

And today there is another incident that seems to show that God has abandoned me.
I think I have been cheated by a criminal, they took my money away and they don't send me the drug. The last element of my equipment to set myself away from the Earth. It make me feel even worse, worse, worse that even my attempt to suicide is blocked. Moreover, all attempts to reach a counselor is also blocked. God usually comes at the right end to save me, but I guess he's already given up on me. He already have enough of his saints. Maybe God already know that I am one of those destined to the dark.

I will not stop, as long as I can, I'll try to get that drug somehow. I will get that drug someday, even if it means I have to order it from another country. My set of equipment will be complete in the end.

I have tried the left turn, I'm facing forever torment and darkness. Now I will try the right turn, I will not be able to live long, and in the end there would be darkness and death anyway. I've said it before. Both road lead to darkness. I've tried to look for other paths but there's none.

I wish those who live life with normal ups and downs would continue on happily. I wish all my friends and family to be really happy. I don't want people who love me to fall into such a darkness. I wish I could tell them, if I somehow manage to die, that I'm just finding an escape path out of misery. There is nothing they can do to help me. It's not their fault.

And I wish that in the end...I would be able to forgive him.

Some songs of Suicide

Hearing this song, making me less alone too. I guess this one has it worse than me, for having no one to cry for. He stood it for five years and that's a long, long time already.

And below is another beautiful song, if the man I love could love me this much, I would change my mind. This is a song of a person who loves another person so much and try everything to stop her suicide decision. And the very last verse of the song proves it. So beautiful. I wish I were that girl he loves.( Just another day dream)