The Wall Between Me and Them

There are many good people around me who try to help. They are so nice. I want them to have a good life and have all the happiness. I want my mom and dad to know that they did their best and that I love them so much, but I just can't stop this agony and they can't stop it for me. There are friends who care, there are those who pray, I want them all to be happy with their lives.

But I want to tell them that there is a wall that lock me in and you can't come in to the place where I am tormented.

The matter is between me and this man and God himself. No one can come to resolve it.
This man, he himself has all the capabilities to free me from the pain, the only human who can, But he would try to do it for a while (when God tells him to), then strum my heart with more pain. He doesn't really try to reach out to me when I'm in the dark. While all the others...all the others....they really try to reach out but they get stuck with the wall.

And today there is another incident that seems to show that God has abandoned me.
I think I have been cheated by a criminal, they took my money away and they don't send me the drug. The last element of my equipment to set myself away from the Earth. It make me feel even worse, worse, worse that even my attempt to suicide is blocked. Moreover, all attempts to reach a counselor is also blocked. God usually comes at the right end to save me, but I guess he's already given up on me. He already have enough of his saints. Maybe God already know that I am one of those destined to the dark.

I will not stop, as long as I can, I'll try to get that drug somehow. I will get that drug someday, even if it means I have to order it from another country. My set of equipment will be complete in the end.

I have tried the left turn, I'm facing forever torment and darkness. Now I will try the right turn, I will not be able to live long, and in the end there would be darkness and death anyway. I've said it before. Both road lead to darkness. I've tried to look for other paths but there's none.

I wish those who live life with normal ups and downs would continue on happily. I wish all my friends and family to be really happy. I don't want people who love me to fall into such a darkness. I wish I could tell them, if I somehow manage to die, that I'm just finding an escape path out of misery. There is nothing they can do to help me. It's not their fault.

And I wish that in the end...I would be able to forgive him.