I read somewhere that after a depressed person have got their suicide planned all done, they will feel more peaceful inside and looked more relaxed. I am now experiencing the feeling myself.
Somehow it is so nice to have the plan all arranged. Bit by bit, step by step, it actually feels like you are slowly making something successful. Like a prisoner planning an escape from a prison day by day. Like, if this planet has given me more Hell than I can take, then I have this tools to free myself from here and go ahead to some Hell in other dimension.
At least, it 's a traveling, a journey, to some new place, which I love.
At least, there are plenty of human souls over there, lots of friends in agony. I'm here on Earth, I am sad alone while surrounded with some people who are in so much happiness, who got what I never got in my life, who never understand how I feel. I better go to some dark places where there are people who have the same kind of pain. I rather be there than to be here listening everyday to some people in my house and around my house showing off their happiness in life to me.
And even my boyfriend, who seemed to understand at first, when I said please don't say more negative things to me, I need something positive. So he, out of good will I suppose, start to say all the positive things about himself and his life, and not a word about anything that is good in me or my life. Maybe he sees none.
I'm so alone here. So alone. And when I turned to start making suicide plan, I found some peace. This is strange but true.
I'll make it two round. The trial attempt and the real attempt.
The first one is a combination of three sleeping pills in lethal dose and Ethrane and plastic bag. I already got some of the pills. I know where to buy Ehtrane and at which price. Plastic bag is plenty to find. The only thing haven't got specified is the place and time.
The second round just the Ethrane and cyanide, this one is for certain. I'll go in a few seconds for sure. I know where to find the chemical at a cheap price.
I want to say thank you to all the effort of my family and friends and the man that I love (who is the practically the main reason that my life is in extreme suffering now) for all their effort to try to make me better, but none of the effort help. I'm growing more and more sick in the mind from one disorder to another. And it's all meaningless. I can't find the suppose "good" reason that God has for my life in going through this. I can't see why he allows it. And I don't want it. I'm not willing to go through this suffering but he just let it happen. Once in a while, he gave me some morphine shots to make me survive the pain just to through another episode of darkness. I'm not one of those saints who love to suffer for the sake of God. I'm at my bitter end.
Well, I'll have the plans. I'll have it for one of those days when God allows the pain to come to the extreme. If he allows, while I'm already begging for release, then there is nothing I can't do and life is already Hellish so I'll go to share Purgatory or Hell with some souls, millions of them.
Can't believe I'm talking like the devil these days.
But anyway, it's just a plan...just some spare plan...some just-in-case plan, the very very last plans that I will resort to when there is no other ways. And the point of writing here is to say that having a suicide plan can make a depressed person feel more at peace. That's an experience I want to share.
But if I really have to do it for real, I hope that my family and friends will forget my death one day and don't blame themselves. I'm just....one of those. Those who tied the rope around their neck, those who jumped down from the building. Those who feel too much pain while they are too weak inside. Those who want to leave planet Earth.
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