Two Big Questions

A very nice Catholic lady who knows me from work have compassion for my depressive condition.
She shares with me some books and also asked me to consider two big questions.

Who is God to you?

What is God trying to tell you right now, through the circumstance that you're facing?

These are very big and important questions. I've been thinking about it for quite sometimes.
And...I couldn't find the answer to both.

I guess that's one of the root problems for the terrible condition that I'm in right now. I don't know who is God to me now. The picture is unclear. I don't know what He's trying to tell me through this circumstance. I really don't understand why he allows me to suffer so much.

Many, many years ago, God used to be like a very kind Father to me, someone that I can talk my heart out, I can throw my tantrum with, I can rest assure in His peace. God used to be a very strong reliable shelter for me and the source of my encouragement. I remember, one of those long-ago days, I used to lie flat out on my back and surrender it all to God and trust him completely when I was in trouble. I found so much peace and felt loved and safe and assured. God used to be so kind, He didn't punish me even sometimes that I did wrong. He was patient. He was full of Love.

God was that way to me, a long time ago.

Now? I don't know. It seems that God is a....a King. If he answer your prayer, it's good, you have to be totally grateful for it. If he doesn't help you out from sorrow, then you have to carry that sorrow because He just doesn't want to help and He's a King so you can't complain. I am afraid to talk  to God frankly and honestly the way I used to, or maybe that how the Catholic church teach me. We have to be humble, be humble, be humble. But I'm one of those having a problem being humble and being honest at the same time. I can't accept severe pain and sorrow with joyful heart like all those saints. It hurts and I want to shout out to God that it hurts! Why don't you help me? I have been praying that you would release from this pain for a long time, why it's still here? Will it go on until the last day of my life?

  I still believe that God is all powerful, He can do anything and He knows everything. He knows that I suffer. He hears my prayer. But I just don't understand that why He left me to suffer so much, again and again and again...like never ending. The help did come most of the time, but it usually came after I was badly bruised and lost all the hope.

On bad days, I feel like God is King and I'm a slave. He's kind to me when He wants to, and He can also be harsh to me whenever He wants to. I'm losing the picture that God is my forever friend that I can talk to without fear and I can rest assured that His help will be there. In the past, God used to let me know the reason why He didn't answer my prayer and it was all for the best. There were only a few questions or incidents that I had doubts about His action. But lately, I really don't know why He was so slow to answer my prayers, especially when it 's come to the very dark time.

But no, He hasn't abandoned me. He was there most of the time. Prayers were answered but it happened after I was tormented for like half an hour or many hours or many days. Then I prayed, please don't let it happen again. But then it happens again and again anyway.

Oh how I miss the old days! I really miss the time that I was close to Him and trust Him and He was so kind.

What He's trying to tell me through this circumstance? I don't know....maybe I have too much sin, I spend too little time for prayer? I don't obey Him enough? I don't do enough kindness to others?

Well, most likely, maybe there is a lesson to learn. But how can I learn anything when it hurts too much that I don't even want to learn any other lessons here on Earth, I just want to die.

After the last blog about my dark time, there was one more hit of darkness, one more abusive act of the same person, that push me to the bottom. It made me feel so hurt, angry, so revengeful, I've never felt so much hatred like that for someone in so many years and I was scared of the way I felt. Forgiveness was very hard although he treated me nicely later. In a few days after that, I live on normally and there was no wave of darkness hit me yet. Just not yet. But I know it will come just like it did before, again and again and again...until I put that poison into my body to end it all?

In my circumstance, I saw two choices: stay or leave, both leads to torment and death. I see no other choices for me.

Jesus was kind, though, when I finally get some softness of the heart, I prayed to Jesus on the day that they celebrate "Jesus who Heals the Blind," I made my prayer to Him to help me see more light or other choices that don't lead to so much pain and darkness. I also told him that I don't like sinning and want to do more good things for others, I don't want to be sided with the devil but he tries to make me more and more like him. I'm just too weak for it all. I need Jesus' help. At that moment, I felt that my spirit was lifted up and somehow my prayer was heard. It was as if Jesus heard my prayer and He will help. A small, very small moment of light....but at least I was glad that I could cry at that moment, crying to him from the bottom of my heart.

Right now the ocean is still. No darkness yet. But it was always like this, seem hopeful at first, and once when I really hope that things can really get better. It hit me, hit me hard and send me to the dark pit.

Dear God, if it's not over. If I have to suffer like this always for the rest of my life. I really want to die. I mean it. I don't want to learn any more lessons on Earth. Could you please be kind and take away my life?