In my whole life, I've experienced just depression. But in this year, I've got both depression and panic attack (and Schizophrenia is coming up). And it is occurring right now at this moment. I can hardly breathe and there is this ball of pain on my chest.
It is a strange feeling. It's like you're crying so hard that you can't breathe. It gets harder to think that the person who knows that when he does that thing, I'll get this panic attack, keeps on doing it again and again. I don't recall how many times I got this. And part of the reason for my suicide is that it will keep occurring to me for the rest of my life. It's so tiring and very, very draining physically and emotionally. I keep typing on this block just to keep my thought and fingers on something, otherwise it will get worse. And I think soon I'll put myself on some Youtube or some media just to get lost into something that helps me forget my reality right now.
It gets even harder when I looked back on the past and asked that he would help soothe my pain by doing a little something for me, stop doing what put me into panic attack. But what I got was the worse than I expected, when I showed him that I got panic attack and asked for some consolation, he shouted at me "go back and get yourself together and don't talk to me until you can be normal!!! Go away!!" And this is a person who calls himself a prophet of the Lord.
I don't know why I get myself abused. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what vicious drug keep me here and I can't go anywhere. I don't know why I can't free myself from this bondage.
And I don't know why God allows it....I heard that He is full of mercy. Or maybe I already expecting too much after all He has done.
I'll pray. I don't have much faith now, but I'll pray. I don't know if He will answer, because sometimes He does and sometimes, He doesn't.
No comments:
Post a Comment