This episode of darkness recurs again, just what I had expected. The cycle will never end. And the Lord seemed to abandon me. I've come to think that so many people are lost souls in this world. Maybe I'm just one of them. One of those lost souls. One of those who tried her best to walk with the Lord but then failed. I don't know how many people in this world are like me. People always adore and talk about the saints. They say, look all these saints bravely endure all pain and suffering and torment and finally overcome everything. They don't talk about those who tried and failed and fallen into the dark, They don't talk about Christian who committed suicide. They only talk about the saints.
But I guess this post can be information from another side, A voice of those who live in the dark.
What hurt me the most is that... I asked God to take this particular heavy cross away from me forever, just this particular one. And God....like usual.....seems to give me that hope. It's gone...long enough to give me that hope that it will be gone forever, and then....one day...bam!! I was shot, stabbed, tortured...just like before.
This man can be a manifestation of the Lord and of the Devil, One day he be a saint, another day he can be just an abusive person who hurt another one who is weaker than him. He was possessed tonight and he tortured me with his words.
So prayers don't work. If prayers don't work...nothing else in this world will.
This time I've almost got all the equipment ready, lack only one thing. Someone was kind to give me phone number of counselor but that counselor was never there to receive my phone. But now I've got phone number of those who sell pills and drugs instead.
I think if it is a cycle, that means tormenting moments for the rest of my life. If I walked away from him, I face darkness. If I stay and he torture me, I face darkness. I've asked for other doors where I can see light, that door can never happen for me.
I found some quotes on the internet, make me feel less lonely in my agony. There are suicidal people in this world who experience this kind of torment. These are their quotes:
“I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
In my case it's worse, there are days that when I'm awake, I'm in a nightmare, and when I fall asleep I have nightmare too. Tormenting nonstop.
“I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.”
“and he suddenly knew that if she killed herself, he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. You couldn't live for very long without a heart.”
I understand exactly how she feels. I want him dead too, deep inside.
“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
Perfect answer.
“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don't kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, "He fought so hard." And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
Yes, so true. I've fought it. I fought the idea. I put it as the last idea. But then it press and press and press me until I can't stand any longer.
“I don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me.
That is what I want to say to so many people.
“Some people are just not meant to be in this world. It's just too much for them.”
“If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.” Just the right word, just how it feels, bleeding at the soul
“Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.”
Am I one who is predestined to it? It's become the main goal right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment