Jealousy is one of the things that seem to have been around me since I was a child. It is like a black fire burning inside a person. It has many levels, starting from the little prick of pain that you feel in the heart when someone you love pay too much attention on someone else, or when someone is so happy while you are so sad, then grow into the fire that burns and burns with rage inside. If one doesn't control it, it will result into the desire to hurt another person behind their back. It will become a feeling of satisfaction when we sees someone who has always get all the luck, got blow with the big bad fortune. It will turn you into a dark monster in secret. It will make you want to curse someone with some horrible spell.
Although I can't usually make jealousy go away, I usually don't get so far to that severe condition. I've always tried to control my jealousy, containing the fire to burn only myself, not others. But it's not an easy thing to do. It depends on the condition of mind and spirit, On the days that I'm strong inside, I can almost make it go away, or I'd rather say it goes away by itself. I will feel nothing when I see the person happy. I will feel happy for him or her too. If the prick of jealousy occurs, then I will just keep it inside, smile and go along with everything and everyone. It will not have much power or influence on anything. But on the days that I'm weak, like lately, it's so hard to control. It begins to result into action, some terrible thoughts, some hurtful words that make the people I love feel uncomfortable or guilty, some plans to manipulate situations, avoidance of people and circumstances, and moments that I have to cry alone in agony.
I really don't know how to make jealousy go away. It seems to be one of those things that go away by itself when you are healthy spiritually. People with healthy spirit feel happy when they see others happy. People who feel hurt or pain when seeing others happy are sick inside. When you feel that every other human is just another version of yourself, if you really feel that we are one, then there is no reason to be jealous at all. But that sort of feeling doesn't always happen. In my weak days, like yesterday, I see my mom joyfully talking with someone that I dislike, someone that hurts me when my parents are not around, I tried to tell myself over and over "it's good that they're happy, it's good that they're peaceful and on good term with each other, the world will be a more peaceful place when more people are peaceful toward one another." But the pain will not go away and the darkness doesn't leave. All I can do is just cry, put my hands on my ears, and try to stay faraway from the scene as much as possible.
On the days that my spirit was strong, I used to love and forgive this person although she didn't look at me positively. I used to be so forgiving for I know of the hard childhood she's been through. But lately it seems that I can't do that no more. Sometimes I even have the desire to get rid of her from this neighborhood. I guess it's because of now her life is better than before, she boasts it all out and look down on me, trying to show how she has become more successful. But more than anything, it is because my spirit is in such an awful condition. I don't know how much I negatively interpret her actions. Maybe it is mostly the demon inside me.
If I can't stop jealousy inside my mind, at least I will have to stop the actions. I know that the best I can do right now is to stop myself from "doing" anything to any person that I feel jealous or envy. Lately, I finally was able to "stop" myself from doing the wrong thing; keeping some information from one of my friends so that she will not come to an event. She didn't do anything wrong, absolutely nothing. It's just that the man that I love pay too much attention on her every time and praises her so often. Imagine it, your loved one praising another woman so much while criticizing you so much. Imagine that pain.
But she really didn't do anything wrong and she is a wonderful person. I will do everything to stop the demon inside me from hurting her.
Nevertheless, no matter what I do, I cannot stop the pain of jealousy from burning me. I will have to avoid some events and circumstances, I will have to cry alone in agony. These are things that I won't be able to stop anyway. Jealousy is fire. It burns. Jealousy is knife. It stabs and cuts. Someone has to get hurt. Let it be me.
Until one day, maybe the Lord has mercy and I somehow be able to climb out of this the pit of despair and depression. Maybe one day, when I'm stronger inside....maybe it will go away. Maybe I can feel, like I used to feel some time ago, that we are all one. Their happiness is also my happiness,
No comments:
Post a Comment