Another Shot of Morphine

About 30-40 minutes after my prayer, God gave me the break and the emotional morphine as usual. Just like before, it had to come to the very, very end of my nerve, when I was about to break down, and the prayer would be answered. Yes, I was thankful for another shot of emotional morphine. I know I'm not healed and these torturing moments will return. And that emotional morphine is there just to keep me alive. The real disease are still all lying deep inside and the demons will come to torture me again. Just like before. Just like it has been these years. 

But first of all, I still have to say thank you. At least, the prayer was answered and that means God still hears me and still listens to prayers. At least I don't totally lose my faith.  My heart cannot feel love for the Lord deeply at this moment, but I'm still thankful. 

And actually, God answered with a little bit of surprise. At my extreme moment of agony, I was praying "Let him feel my pain. Let him feel my pain. Let him feel my pain." And it seemed that God did answer that. He felt quite a lot of pain tonight from a mistake that he made today. He didn't yell at me like before while I was having panic attack. And when I heard about it, how evil I am, I felt somehow satisfied and thanked the Lord for justice. 

The thought is evil, I know. I have a lot of negative energy inside of me now. One should not feel satisfied at the pain of another, but I did tonight. I know I'm wrong for feeling that way. I hope that my heart will be softer tomorrow. 

What I should be thinking....I should thank him for sharing with me the pain...because it helped me not to feel all alone in my pain. Maybe I should think that he is truly a prophet of the Lord, because tonight maybe God tell him not to intensify my pain, But he is also just another human being. And I can't have a lot of hope that things between us will be much better. Because all these dragging years of repeated painful and abusive moments, all of these efforts of trying to change things for the better, seemed somehow go to vain at the end. I don't have a lot of hope for the future, I can only be thankful for tonight. 

And also want to say thank you for anyone who pray for me tonight, if there are any....